Will you want your parents' stuff when they die?

[OneWorthyLemonCat]

I'm a big declutterer, and now live pretty minimally. I have a one in, one out policy on new possessions, and try to only buy quality items that I really love.

I've just been thinking about my parents and in laws. They often make reference to DH and me and our siblings having their "stuff" when they die.

We'll barely wany any if it though.

Of my mums, I'd love her Ercol sideboard. Of my inlaws, we would love my MIL's collection of LeCreuset pans.

That's it. EVERYTHING else that they own will go to charity, or in a skip.

We don't share the same taste, and although DH and I have plenty of space, I know so many people have much smaller homes now. We also live differently to them - I would never use fine China, or serve cakes on a glass cake stand, or poach a whole salmon in a fish kettle, or serve drinks in crystal glasses, or use solid silver cutlery!

Which of your parents' possessions would you want? How do you think it will feel taking their worldly possessions to a charity shop? (I wonder if shops will be so inundated in 5-10 years that they stop taking donations anyway. I know many have stopped already). Does it make you live or think differently about your own approach to acquiring "stuff" through your lifetime?

DH and I dont have kids, and I'm very comfortable with the idea that our much loved possessions will have brought us happiness through our lives, but will end up at the rubbish tip when we're no longer here!

Sometimes it's about timing. 20 years ago I would have absolutely fought for a couple of mid century design classics that MIL had.
Now, not fussed. I'm 50, got a home full of stuff and the. PIL have been pretty awful over the years so it's kind of tainted by association. I don't think I'd want them.

With the PIL there's so much, in a big house, it's hard to actually work out what was important.
I'm sure there's crockery that was bought new by great, great grandparents. But then it's overwhelmed by car boot bargains, the 80s country house wave, plus the updates, then the house clearances from relatives and a set of friends.

MIL also gets jealous of others getting new stuff but then doesn't act on it. She's just visited and was sniffing around, looking at the labels on the towels but she has every set of worn out, washed out towelling that's ever crossed the threshold looking sadder and sadder. There will be an entire estate car boots worth to dispose of and she will have spent decades rotating through a fairly grim, vast selection.
We have enough per person plus for two extra people. Not enough for an entire school class.

My Mum has lots of art. Some of which she’s painted herself so I think I would struggle to throw that away. She also has some lovely original art by other artists that I really would like. One is by an artist who is deceased and quite well known now, that I keep asking her to get valued. If it is worth anything then we will probably sell it and split it between my brother and me.

As a fourteen year old, when my Grandparents passed away, I insisted on having her Royal Albert china and display cabinet. My parents were very keen to ensure I took them with me when I got my first home. Now I wish we didn’t have them as they don’t really fit with the rest of the decor but I don’t think I could get rid of it especially whilst my Mum is still around. I’ve definitely learned my lesson not to take stuff just for sentimental reasons.

I will also have some of my Mums jewellery but that it all bequeathed individually in her will to me, plus grandchildren , daughter in law, cousins etc so there will only be a couple of items coming my way.

I’m going through the process now. It was our family home. I feel sick at the speed it’s been gone through and the decisions made by others over what I’d find sentimental or not. Some people need a chance to say goodbye and some plough through as a project. The unnecessary pressure at a difficult time, the knowledge that I’d have given my siblings an opportunity to take a tiny breath if they’d asked and what that says about our relationship, the not knowing it was going to happen as it did and seeing black sacks everywhere has been a grieving process of its own. I feel so incredibly hurt.

A few things but more small momento things rather than any furniture or collections. They keep on saying things are valuable, don't just give them to charity but when you look them up online they're just not. £10 for an antique plate for example. I'm not spending hours listing online, storing it, packing and posting it and then the same with 400 other things.

The reality is they have so much stuff and I work full time so we will likely have to let house clearers loose on it otherwise I'd have to quit work for 6 months.

What’s currently frustrating me is DM wanting us to have things that she doesn’t want herself. Her walls are covered in cheap art- mainly mediocre, non specific pictures that she’s acquired over the years. She has piles more in boxes. She’s trying to get everyone to take group photographs of the kind you get done at studios. We all have those pictures already. We all bought them at the same time. They are identical, bar the sizes. She’s massively offended with everyone who won’t take them, but…. She has none on her walls or on display at all. So she wants us to have multiple copies of things she doesn’t value enough to display. She doesn’t have recent photos on display either.

Bonkers. Swedish death cleaning all the way.

Why not sell the pieces of jewellery and then buy one piece in her memory? Something that when you wear it, you'll think of her because her combined bits paid for it?

No, none of it. But that's because I don't get on with them, so there is no sentimental attachment.
In fact, some "old-fashioned" household stuff is lovely, and really good quality. Some of my own stuff is old-fashioned, to be honest, but it's all been collected over a lifetime, and I like it. I know that once we've shuffled off, it will all end up in a charity shop or a skip, and that's fine too.

I’m sorry, that’s really tough. A friend has supported her DC through the process of grieving for their dad (many years divorced). One DC needed to go through everything at speed and get it all resolved so they could move forward, the other wanted to pore over every item and process the grief slowly. They have ended up with storage units to accommodate both. I’m really pleased they had their mum to mediate- they needed her perspective.

It’s hard to look past our own needs when we are grieving- we tend to assume what works for us will work for other people.

I would want things for sentimental value, because they reminded me of my parents or my childhood. The lampshade that was in my grandparents front room is now in my front room, not because I particularly coveted it but I ended up with it and it feels like continuity. I have my grandmother's sewing box even though I don't sew, it smelt of her house for many years after her death.
Not everything, obviously, and probably not big items of furniture, beds, tables, sofas etc. Yes to plates and cups and things that have been around since I was a child, no to anything they have picked up in the last 30 years!

My parents downsized to a very small apartment a couple of years ago and my mum ruthlessly got rid of most of their possessions via the charity shop or the tip so there is not much stuff to be worrying about. My in laws on the other hand.....I'm assuming that won't be my problem though.

My siblings and I cleared my Dads house after he died last year. Apart from photos and a few keepsakes the whole lot went in a skip! He wasn't very materialistic so everything was ancient,( not in a good way!) . It has made me think a lot about decluttering my own house as my kids will have to deal with it after we gone. Point is I am undisciplined and if I like something and can afford it,I get it. One in one out policy sounds like a start! My Dad was very apologetic about leaving us with the house to clear, so I am going to try not to do the same to my kids. I am 61 and these issues are starting to become a consideration.

My Dad is 86 and keeps everything. I am dreading the day he passes and it will be me who has to sort through everything. Now my children have left home I have started to go through the cupboards to minimise my clutter, only keeping things with good memories. I ask them first if they want it, if they dont it goes out.

Apart from little sentimental bits there are two big things that I can't bear to get rid of, but I don't have the room to keeo. My dad made quite a large wooden coffee table in the early 70's. On top of that they used to keep a large, hand made, wooden log cart, made by my grandad. The type a lot of people had with ornamental shire horses. My grandad was very skilled carpenter & the detail is exquisite. What we'll do with it I do not know! It"s too old fashioned for the look of our house. Can't imagine anyone wanting it. Stick it in the loft cos i can't bear to part with it & pass the burden onto dc? It will mean nothing to them as they did not know him & they don't have the spsce either

My parents and in-laws died many years ago. There was nothing I wanted from their houses and I’ve never regretted it. I have a couple of small things that I loved as a child from my grandmothers, in both cases given to me not long before they died.

We have been through our stuff with our kids and a couple of close friends, and they’ve chosen what they would like to keep - books, art and tools mostly. I will do the same with my oldest grandchildren soon. If I have any warning of my death, I will hand stuff over in advance, otherwise their choices are in a letter of wishes with my Will. Either way, it should make it straightforward: take what they’ve chosen, get a house clearance company for everything else.

For decades, I had planned to buy my sister out of her share of our father's house (abroad) and retire to it myself. Everyone knew this and was on board with it, so the question of what to do with stuff never really came up, except when discussing sentimental items that she might want to keep for herself.

When he died, the value of the house had increased so much I couldn't afford to do what we'd planned for. My sister's sole contribution to dealing with our Dad's estate was one car trip to a skip where she threw out all the things I'd expressed an interest in keeping - a few books, his CD collection, sentimental Christmas decorations - and all of the things that were needed to maintain an empty house while the probate was sorted and the house sold, so things like dehumidifiers. She managed to deliberately target the stuff I wanted or needed, took the few things she wanted, but left all the rest of the clutter for me to deal with.

In truth, if it were up to me there would be some items of furniture I'd happily keep but the cost of bringing them to the UK, the lack of space we have here, and my wife's total refusal to have any of it in the house anyway all means that most of the stuff will have to be binned or chopped up for firewood.

Your Husband expects the tax payer to empty his parents house? How selfish is that.

My parents had all of their cupboards and bookshelves built in so they would have to be sold with the house. The other furniture is absolutely not my taste and would look daft in my house even though its all expensive.
I collect specific antiques do I dont want any of their things. The only things Id like are photos of my grandparents and other relatives. But Ill have to fight my sisters for those.

My mum has loads of framed embroideries, some are hers, some my Grandmother's, others were done by my great Grandmother and one of my Great Aunts. I'd definitely keep some of those.

My inlaws have some paintings that dh would like.

Both have books that I couldn't throw away (and a lot I can't see us keeping).

Furniturewise, my mother's dressing table, a side table of my dad's, a carved desk that my mum inherited and a marble topped cupboard that was my great grandmother's are probably the only furniture I'd take. Dc2 wants her Russian doll collection and her jewellery.

My inlaws have a dresser I'd happily have if my sister in laws don't want.

Both have Christmas decorations that we would keep (and Easter and Halloween).

That's a tiny fraction of their belongings though.

I have a few things. My mum’s dresser which is an heirloom piece, belonged to her mother and is 100 years old. Her Portmeirion Botanic Garden dinner service. And her engagement ring. All the colour slides my dad took. We also have a rocking chair from my ILs house plus some mugs and wine glasses.

We don’t have children but my DN may want the dresser and the ring.

I kept oddments, little things we use in daily life. Eg her sewing cottons, cooking spoons, a few towels, the clothes pegs. That might seem silly to some people but when I use them, I think of her. I kept her wedding ring and jewellery (none valuable but I can’t part with it) and photos. Everything else has gone.

I kept 2 or 3 cut glass serving dishes. My sisters and son kept some jewellery but that was it. Everything else was got rid of.

Very very little. I got some bits and bobs from my grandparents, mostly sentimental stuff which I keep. My parents took on a huge amount of furniture and art that they are still sorting through and starting to get rid of now (last grandparent died 6 years ago). I've said quite plainly there is very little I want - some of my mum's jewellery if she'll leave it to me, and a painting I have fond memories of. Everything else can go to my siblings or to charity.

My parents are thinking about downsizing in the next couple of years so are now starting to clear stuff out. I got first refusal on a piano last week. I hope they are able to part with some stuff, but they are quite hoardery and sentimental, and I fear there will still be loads of stuff to sort out once they go.

PILs downsized a couple of years ago and we now have some pieces that are not to my taste but sentimental to DH. I am a total buzzkill though and will not tolerate the grandfather clock actually running as it makes a bloody awful noise every hour and I work from home. I would lose my mind. Looks ok in the corner of the dining room though.

I’m an only child so all the decisions will be down to me. Mum is already trying to pass things to me in a ‘do you want this or shall I take it to the chazza’ kind of way, but there’s little she has that I will keep, once they’ve passed away. Jewellery and photos and some lovely Christmas ornaments - she has ones from her own childhood in the 50s- and they have some antiquey ornaments that will probably raise a few grand at auction but aren’t to my taste. Everything else will go through a house clearance firm, I imagine.

I also have an aunt who has A LOT of stuff. She’s not in the hoarder category in that she doesn’t have piles of useless tat, but she has a lot of ornaments and Knick knacks and art that I suspect are worth quite a bit.

She has no children and I will be her closest relative once the time comes ( assuming my parents have died by this point, otherwise the task will pass to my mother). I suspect she has a lot of family heirlooms stashed away ( that she has denied inheriting over the years, but have mysteriously ‘disappeared’ ) and I fully expect a lot of those may come to light once she has gone.

I don’t dwell on it, but DH and I have no children either and am very aware that the family line ends with me - his brother has a son but I doubt very much he will want photos of people he’s never met from a family he is not related to.

I know there are a lot of photos from a place where my family come from - a town in the UK - if there is anything of historical interest there I may see if a local historical society would want them, otherwise they will get skipped I imagine. I just don’t have the bandwidth to take all this on.

When my Mum died I wanted her breadboard. I recalled so many evenings with Mum spreading butter on the list then cutting on the breadboard. My sister wanted the cake tin. None of us wanted the larger furniture items because we already had furniture if our own.

I'm a very sentimental person and I will struggle to get rid of any of my parents stuff. They have a lot of things. My Mam is an artist and I can't see me being able to throw out any of her artwork, or even her art supplies. I actually don't know how I'm going to handle it because there's no way we'll have room for it all.