Will you want your parents' stuff when they die?

[OneWorthyLemonCat]

I'm a big declutterer, and now live pretty minimally. I have a one in, one out policy on new possessions, and try to only buy quality items that I really love.

I've just been thinking about my parents and in laws. They often make reference to DH and me and our siblings having their "stuff" when they die.

We'll barely wany any if it though.

Of my mums, I'd love her Ercol sideboard. Of my inlaws, we would love my MIL's collection of LeCreuset pans.

That's it. EVERYTHING else that they own will go to charity, or in a skip.

We don't share the same taste, and although DH and I have plenty of space, I know so many people have much smaller homes now. We also live differently to them - I would never use fine China, or serve cakes on a glass cake stand, or poach a whole salmon in a fish kettle, or serve drinks in crystal glasses, or use solid silver cutlery!

Which of your parents' possessions would you want? How do you think it will feel taking their worldly possessions to a charity shop? (I wonder if shops will be so inundated in 5-10 years that they stop taking donations anyway. I know many have stopped already). Does it make you live or think differently about your own approach to acquiring "stuff" through your lifetime?

DH and I dont have kids, and I'm very comfortable with the idea that our much loved possessions will have brought us happiness through our lives, but will end up at the rubbish tip when we're no longer here!

My parents moved from a 3 bed with garage to a flat a couple of years ago and did a massive declutter (mainly with me shrieking "do not keep that") but when we went to see their new house there were still things that should have been thrown out decades ago (I present, for edification, tequila miniature with worm, from 1980).

At my own house I only have one cupboard full of gift bags and handy sized envelopes / packaging, and another of shopping bags. Everything else is essential. ISH.

My PILs have already downsized - they sold the family home a couple of years ago and moved into a small flat in a retirement accommodation block. DH sorted through their stuff at the time (neither of them were in a physical state to do so) and kept some stuff (a couple of bits of furniture, his dad's tools), and some stuff moved to their new place with them, but he got rid of a lot of it. Their collection of decorative plates has moved to the new place and is sitting in a box there because they couldn't believe that we didn't want them and they weren't worth much.

My parents are not hoarders so going through their stuff shouldn't be too bad when that time comes. They have a lot of books and art and I'll want to keep some of that. My mum doesn't have much jewellery but I would like to have her engagement and wedding rings.

My dad has kept a journal every day for the past 70 odd years. What on earth will I do with that? I can't just chuck them but I'll never get around to reading them all!

Take photo frames for example. People used to put photos in frames and put them all over the house. Now this has gone out of fashion and the shops are inundated with frames with no one wanting to buy them.

I’m surprised by the photo frames since they can be used to put art in them. Find some art you like, print it and place it in a frame and done or get a white sheet of paper, some transparent stickers of flowers, dried flowers, pressed flowers, or leaves, stick them on however you like and put a frame around it. Or, go the ‘Friends’ route and just find a frame take out the back and glass and put that on the wall, or paint it and then put it on the wall.

Cheap way to decorate walls if you don’t have the money to buy art.

It shows we should all bebuying second hand stuff as much as possible rather than buying new.

Keep the journal a while and maybe read on important days ? Like Christmas , birthdays , holidays ? It would be weird to read someone's diary but a journal would be more documenting .

My Dad put all appointments and events on his calendar (one in his room , one in the lounge )
Things like "Grandson Birthday" on the date and "Send Grandson Card" a couple of weeks before , no problems with his memory but he wanted things in print .

It sounds fantastic. Could you give it to a museum, perhaps a museum of rural life? Then you'd know that it would continue to be kept and maintained - and they would put your Grandfather's name on the description, I'm sure, which would honour him.

You may be surprised at what you do want when the time comes.

I always said I didn’t want anything from my parents and that I’d get a skip for the lot. And yet when the time came I found that there were odd bits I wanted. Some sentimental, some practical.

DDad also send Grandaughter cards as well but as her Birthday is just after mine , he organised and sent them together .
Woe betide , he never would forget his grandaughters birthday , but I was here first

"My dad has kept a journal every day for the past 70 odd years. What on earth will I do with that? I can't just chuck them but I'll never get around to reading them all!"

Check with your father what he wants to happen to his journal. Philip Larkin's diaries were famously destroyed as he requested, while his literary executors were were attempting to find a way to publish at least part of them. Diaries can contain personal thoughts and opinions about people (mine certainly do) that the author may not want shared. Museums and archives are always interested in documents that offer an insight into normal life and social history, you can put conditions on access or request that the documents are "closed" until a date in the future. My mothers account of her childhood (she was born in 1919), schooling, first job, her military service during WW2, meeting and marrying my father then having children was well received by the local museum, my brother did remove the section from 1955 onwards, where she was quite unpleasant about some members of the extended family, I wasn't that bothered, they are all dead now anyway, so won't be offended and in any case much of it was fair comment in my opinion.

I've got a hoarder DM (with large, stuffed house...) and there's a real mis-mash of stuff in there. The mid-century modern furniture (that she probably values least) is probably the most interesting for further use at present. Then there's a lot of 1980s mahogany repro, and some actual antiques. None of the furniture is desirable to me as I've set up home in the era of oak and I'm already comfortably furnished.

Nothing textile is worth saving between furniture fire regulations, smoking and a hoardy cat owner...

Being raised by a hoardy "this could be useful/ valuable" war child, I've had to manually learn to be pragmatic about stuff. Emotionally, I want to hold on, but I have to talk myself through pragmatism. Recently I had to get rid of my lovely, partially leather old work bag. The sides were delaminating and flaking and it also wasn't suitable for my current job with active commute. I was appologising to it as I put it in a large carrier bag to not sully it and put it into the wheelie bin, but objectively it had no further useful life and it will have had to have been disposed of at some point, and better now than my DCs doing it in 40+ years! Normally I feel better after than the dilemma stage of letting go.

I need to be mindful about what I can reasonably accomodate and enjoy. Jewellery is an easier one, although I'm more minimalist than DM. Photos are also more meaningful but would need weeding through.

What concerns me about the sorting point calling in house clearance is that she has no logical systems. Some rooms are more likely to contain meaningful items and documents than others. Some layers of stuff are so deep/ old that even if something was of value, it will not be 20-35 years later. Most of what has come in in the last 15 years is unlikely to be of value; she's aquired a fair bit from friends' deceased parent clearouts and charity shops.

She's from a generation that was sold a myth about collectables and antiques. Own what brings you joy, but monetary value is transient, and a generational clearout of "collectables" crashes the market. On programmes like Bargain Hunt, so many of the items are relatively low value, and when someone owns a lot, that becomes unmanagable for the next generation to manage especially at a stressful, emotional time.

When my turn comes, I'm no minimalist, but I hope that it is all relatively orderly for my DCs to sort through, and there isn't too much in the way of ancient junk (broken, past use). I own things that I value for their use, not imposing an inflated value on to my DCs. I've tried not to keep things "for best" and have things that aesthetically please me while being useful; not that I have space for fragile best china sets anyway! If my things serve them or others past my lifespan, that's great, but their real value is in what serves me while I use it.

One particular thing I would like to find is the letter written by the surviving friend of my great, great, great uncle after the war detailing their experiences. It was a heart-breaking read, but it's an important piece of family social history and possibly the only surviving personal piece of proof of a young life cut brutally and cruelly short rather than him just being a name in archive lists of legal documents. I'm hoping it's been stored sensibly...

Well if it’s gold I would have it and sell it, gold is at an all time high at the moment.

I dread having to sort my DFs house - he’s quite a hoarder and I wouldn’t want 99% of it.

huge book collection and music collection but DH and I have already cleared out our books and music and gone fully digital with both, so I really don’t want to gain a whole new load.

DB might want some of it possibly.

I’d keep photos and maybe his band T-shirts… whenever we went to gigs he’d get a tshirt but as a souvenir and not to wear. Whereas I always wore mine til they fell apart. So it’d be cool to have those to wear.

My Mum had loads of ornaments and nik-naks . Trying to get her to dispose of things ......... for her own safety really . Clutter so it wouldn't gather dust and create an extra job for my Dad.
"Oh but Mary gave me that " she'd protest .
Is Mary going to come over and demand "where's that straw hat with the dried flowers on it that I got you from Majorca"?

My Nana made rag rugs (horrible things ) but my Mum insisted on having them dotted all over . Bloody trip hazard. My Nana only made them to keep herself busy . They weren't meant to be an heirloom.

I honestly think she found it funny to have so much tat .
To persuade her to part with things was a challenge . Then we had to hide the bags in the car as she emptied them to make sure I hadn't sneaked anything in.

I am 100% not subjecting my DC to this !

I feel so hurt by the relentless speed and pressure my brothers have placed on me - absolutely blindsided.

I will take some of my parents' things. I have a sister and so will wait and see what she wants.

I would definitely take some of their kitchen and dining items. Mum has a lot of craft and art stuff, so I would take some of that. Some of the artwork was commissioned, so I'd probably want to keep that or for my sister to have it, and sentimental items such as photos and old letters etc. Then I'd go through the knick knacks and be selective and mindful of what I already have.

What strikes me as slightly funny is that within in my parents' home, they have some things they inherited off their parents. So I will then have to decide if I want those things.

Also, they have so many things they no longer use, such as fine china and crystal glasses.

I am really into constantly decluttering. I don't have a big home. Mum has been watching me having a big declutter recently and is now thinking to do the same again at hers, which given the amount of stuff they have, I think is a good idea.

My mum died a couple of years ago, the last of either of our parents , although they just sit in a box in a bedroom, there is no way I could have just thrown out the small wine glasses she received as a wedding present, or the cut crystal ones Dad had when he left a job many years ago, nor many other small personal items,particularly the set of encyclopaedias they had that are so old, they didn’t even mention WW2,it just didn’t seem right, everyone is different though, I know my son wouldn’t think twice about binning them, which is why they will go to my daughter in the future

My brother was sole executor. I live hundreds of miles away and had driven up for the funeral and had a couple of days to go through the house and see what I could fit in the car as he made it clear i wasn't getting back in.

That’s a good idea thanks but even having it makes me shudder!

I’m so sorry. It’s another grieving process of its own when feelings are trampled like that. There are ways of meeting in the middle.

Another afternoon packing stuff for eBay for me.

Maybe 40 boxes came from my mum's into my loft 4 years ago and have just sat there until I could face dealing with it. And that's on top of getting rid of stuff at the time via FB/Freecycle-type pages/charity shop furniture collection, so so many trips to the tip....

I'm £300 up so far so...

We have a fairly minimal , modern house but we have a small bookcase that my late dad made at school , it’s in what we call my husbands ‘playroom’ and I wouldn’t part with it as it’s been part of my life forever.

Only today we went through a huge box containing every single instruction booklet for every appliance purchased since 1974.

decluttering my mothers house is a nightmare and is making me MUCH less sentimental about any of it!

I'm the opposite- even if it's not my style i'll have my parents furniture. It's far better quality than anything I can afford. Same goes for a lot of stuff. Plus even if I don't love it I'll store it in the garage as I have young adult kids who will soon need furniture.

"Oh but Mary gave me that " she'd protest .
Is Mary going to come over and demand "where's that straw hat with the dried flowers on it that I got you from Majorca"?

My Mum can be a bit like that and she always accuses me of being unsentimental about gifts. But then I'll mention a gift she gave me years before that I still use and she says 'Did I? I can't remember that!' and will scurry away to check in her gift book (she keeps a record of what gifts she gives people for Christmas and birthdays so she doesn't end up giving someone a scarf two years in a row).

So now we’re faced with the actual situation of cleaning out DPs house because they are moving into a care home, I have realised there is something I want ! It is their G-tech vacuum and hand held one which I have been lusting after since I started having to do their hoovering about a year ago. They now have a cleaner but I still use it for in between needs and it’s so good. The rest of it DH is going to systematically work through and see if anything worth selling to put towards the fees.