Annoyed by lack of children’s birthday gift

[Gambino1726]

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit miffed by this? My DD (9) has a close friend who has attended her birthday party two years in a row without bringing a gift. To be clear, my annoyance is with the mum, certainly not the child!

Last year, they arrived and the mum mentioned they’d forgotten the gift but would bring it into school. We never heard another word about it. This year, they turned up empty-handed again and haven't mentioned it at all.

I’m a solo parent and I’ve spent hundreds on venue hire, food, and party bags to make the day special for everyone. While we definitely don’t need more 'tat' in the house, my daughter gets so excited about the tradition of opening gifts. She’s quite confused why her close friend didn't bring anything again. I’ve explained to her that nobody is obligated to give a gift and that some families might be struggling financially, but it still feels a bit stingy given the circumstances. AIBU to think a small token would have been appropriate?

My DD6 had a party recently and I was really surprised how many people turned up without a gift…it did baffle me as I don’t think I’d be able to do it.

the cost of living is very high atm so it may be an extra expense they can’t afford? Thats what I decided anyway!

my DD didn’t notice and I didn’t mention it to her.

did she bring a card?

No card. Nada. Zilch.

I know it's quite normal these days, but I think spending "hundreds" on a kids party is nuts, especially if by stating you're a solo parent you mean that money is tight.

Having said that, I voted YANBU as I'd notice that as well although I'd let it go pretty quickly. The mum apparently bullshitting you last year would particularly piss me off.

I’ve just learned over the years that some people genuinely don’t seem to have been raised with the etiquette that you take a gift to a birthday party, a housewarming, a wedding etc. They aren’t mean or tight with money in any other regard, it just doesn’t seem to have been something they were taught to do, or taught that some other people will expect it rather than see it as optional. There’s not much point feeling miffed about it.

You need to separate the money you spent on the party from gifts. You spent money on the party to benefit your own DD and make her happy, because it’s what she wanted, and because you wanted to appear a generous host. Your DD had her party, so it’s job done in those regards.

I would just stop taking the friend a gift on her birthdays.

People will say don’t punish the child but it’s her mother punishing her.

Give a box of Maltesers if you feel you can’t send dd empty handed.

I just would do the same if your DD gets an invite to her childs birthday. It's rude of her imo. Even a very small token gift for a couple of pounds just means that they were being thoughtful. I wonder how they felt seeing the other gifts being given. Is this the same to all parties or just your DDs?

Even if someone is struggling financially, a card, some chocolates or something for under a fiver from the toy shop would be something. It is rude to not bring anything.

I suspect the parents think they got away with it last year so can do it every year now.

A homemade card and a bar of your daughter’s favourite chocolate, or bag of favourite sweets would be fine, as it shows thought. So it’s not about the money. I would never send my DC to a birthday party without a card and gift, but I would definitely prefer my DC’s friend to be able to attend their party than stay home because they didn’t have a gift.

Maybe her parents are really broke and a few pounds is all they have at the moment or maybe they are just rude.

When I was a single parent, it really was tight to get a child a gift even a fiver sometimes was hard, that could have been bread and milk.

Either way your daughter and the little girl are friends and she came and both had a good time thats all that matters.

Maybe she literally just forgot? It's just a present. Etiquette is great to teach your child, but you shouldn't play the game of offsetting party costs vs what has been received.

I’m a solo parent and I’ve spent hundreds on venue hire, food, and party bags

Then you’re the unreasonable one. Just stop this silly consumerism.

I'm not sure I'd remember the missing gift a year later. I'm certain DC wouldn't have noticed one child didn't bring one and therefore wouldn’t remember a year later.

Perhaps thye really can't afford it, does that mean they shouldn't have accepted the invitation. Perhaps the parents are flaky and often forget to find the time for these things, Perhaps theyre environmental warriors determined bit to create more landfil.

Don't spend more than you're happy with on a party.

I'd have been sad she didn't make DD a birthday card but I wouldn't care about a gift.

It's shit. The parents know it's shit.

That's it.

This is a thing now?!?! What the hell.

YANBU.
But also YANBU to consider the gifts as offsetting and also spending silly amounts on the party anyway.

I know the annoyance... My son's party had one parent who didn't prepare a gift, which was particularly annoying because firstly we gave their son a gift on at his party, and secondly they are by a long distance the richest friend in the group.

Really did feel like a lack of care, but then again so what? My son was very lucky and loved his gifts, he didn't even notice, so no one is hurt... no need to ruin a friendship over it. (but it did change my impression of the parents a bit...)

Does your dd enjoy this girl’s company? Is she a good friend to her? Then don’t tally keep. That way madness lies.

I'd be grateful as too many toys are overwhelming. Not even a card is poor form though, as is lying about bringing the gift to school.
I have one very generous friend who is so disorganised that she genuinely means to get gifts and cards but it never materialises. I once received a backlog of several tears of gifts in one go.

All of this

To turn up with nothing is rude, as you can purchase a card for less than £1 in some shops.

I’m in two minds here. I have twins and the constant birthday parties are actually killing me financially. They are usually whole class parties so costing hundreds of pounds - why does a child then need 30 gifts which are likely going to be things they already have. I find it incredibly wasteful and just teaching your child about materialism. I’ve heard a few stories where the parents book large parties as the actual “gift” to their kid as they know they’ll get so many presents from it they then don’t have to

it’s your choice to give your child a party and have guests there should be zero expectation to then bring anything at that age

TBH if I ever decided to do a bday party for the twins then I’d request no presents or request toys are donated to the local children’s hospital/women’s shelter - the places that actually need toys

My DS has a friend like this, his parents take him to every party and he never brings a gift or card. It’s obviously not his fault but they could at least send/ make a card and a bar of chocolate.

They have a big house, go on a lot of holidays and when it’s been the child’s birthday he’s had 2 big parties where hundreds must have been spent so I don’t think money is an issue.

Many parents at my DCs school are genuinely poor. One is a single mum of 4 who hasn’t bought herself new clothes in 10 years. But she still bought my DD some lovely bits from B & M for her 4th birthday party. The poorer parents here actually give and give to their own and other people’s children, they get that of course the birthday child is excited to receive a gift, they would never upset a child or be rude and entitled enough to attend a party without so much as a homemade card, which costs nothing. Lovely people.

Some unreasonable comments on here: No, don’t turn up at the child’s birthday party with no gift. That’s taking g it out on the child. You turn up with a modest beautifully wrapped gift and card to set an example.
Upbringing can’t always be blamed. Adults have had plenty of time to learn etiquette and societal norms
You have done the right thing, OP by explaining financial difficulties to your DD. She has had a lovely party and gifts from other friends so don’t be miffed on her behalf.
Just let it go.