Annoyed by lack of children’s birthday gift

[Gambino1726]

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit miffed by this? My DD (9) has a close friend who has attended her birthday party two years in a row without bringing a gift. To be clear, my annoyance is with the mum, certainly not the child!

Last year, they arrived and the mum mentioned they’d forgotten the gift but would bring it into school. We never heard another word about it. This year, they turned up empty-handed again and haven't mentioned it at all.

I’m a solo parent and I’ve spent hundreds on venue hire, food, and party bags to make the day special for everyone. While we definitely don’t need more 'tat' in the house, my daughter gets so excited about the tradition of opening gifts. She’s quite confused why her close friend didn't bring anything again. I’ve explained to her that nobody is obligated to give a gift and that some families might be struggling financially, but it still feels a bit stingy given the circumstances. AIBU to think a small token would have been appropriate?

This. Exactly. DC's birthday is in February. It's been freezing rain on the day of their party every year, and we've never lived anywhere with a sitting room that would hold more than two invited friends and a parent each. Some Party !
We can't afford a bigger home, but we can afford to hire a venue once a year and sort some food, a big homemade cake, and some decorations. They don't get lavish gifts, but they do get a nice party cos if you can't make a fuss of someone on their birthday, when they're a child, then really when can you?

OK, true, and I apologise. I grew up in a council house and we always had parties at home, or later on me and two friends would do swimming and Wimpy, but I see that if you are in a really tiny flat you wouldn't be able to. I suppose it is another example of when you have more money you actually have to pay less for things (eg you can afford the better quality things that don't have to be replaced so often).

Of course you don't have to hire a whole venue - you could take four or five kids to soft play, or swimming, or bowling. Still expensive though.

I agree although not expected it’s rude. This happened once at my sons birthday and it wound me up no end 😂

Another colouring book and some pens etc isn’t really worth getting wound up over.

This is just rude, you can buy a card for 50p, doing it twice isn’t forgetful, it’s deliberate and ignorant.

Can I tell you that Caroline S didn’t bring a present to my 9th birthday party, that was in 1969. Not that I bear a grudge 😁.
Sorry op that doesn’t help you but I feel better getting it off my chest.

I think you can get like 15 for £1 in card factory! It’s just bad manners to turn up empty handed to a child’s party, especially two years running. Even if you genuinely couldn’t afford a gift the kid could make a card, it’s just pure laziness.

To not even bring a card is a poor show

you can buy cheap ones via card factory or even draw one

some people don’t bring pressies - maybe they can’t afford to - who knows

but if your dc and the girl get on well and like each others company then that’s all that matters

When I was a child, I was made to decline birthday invitations because my parents couldn't afford a present. I never got a birthday present myself, never mind them buying for someone else's child.

I used to feel punished for their financial situation and would miss out on the fun. I could only ever dream of a party bag and one year, my friend brought one in to school for me on the Monday. I can't tell you how much I felt that kindness and inclusion.

With that in mind - I voted YABU. Purely because I know how cruel it is to exclude the child based on a financial situation, and for the fact that throwing a party shouldn't be about receiving gifts, but for celebrating together with friends.

Always do what you think is right,
let others do the same. and waste no time thinking about it.

Your child has had a lovely birthday , a party, fun, a cake, friends, no doubt presents from you and others.

Why are you focussed on one parent with poor social skills, your daughter doesn’t care and by moaning either on Mumsnet or elsewhere you aren’t going to change the other parents thinking. Let it go.

YANBU
How incredibly rude. We’ve received a few cheap token gifts over the years - the cheapest being a big bag of haribo but never not had anyone not turn up with a gift at all. Especially a close friend. It’s quite a hostile move from the other mother - and I say this as someone who is in poverty and not obvious to it at all.

Although the party cost is irrelevant, one year I booked soft play for my son's birthday. But after booking decided to make it a joint party with a friend's son, so got half the money back.

My son almost got enough money in £5 and £10 notes to cover the party costs. Obviously I didn't take his money away from him though!!!

It wouldn't be good enough though, some people would still complain about lack of present.
Did the children have a good time, really that's all that matters.
The post comes across as grabby. I'm sure the birthday girl didn't go without.

Best not to have parties then.

Depending on how the gifts were given you could always text the mum asking if they had given your daughter x as there wasn’t a card / label etc. I would only suggest that if you definitively know they’re not struggling financially

I have a friend who is so stingy, I wouldn't be surprised if she arrived empty handed.

I think it's just the way our friendship works now, and I think you just need to accept how they are.

I think you should continue to invite their kid, and know that they arrive empty handed. When they have a party, just arrive with a card.

They are a close friend to your child, so I think you just need to decide on whether to be upset with the parent's stingyness

I just dont get it we buy presents for people but my child nor I have any idea who bought them what or didn't

Why are people so grabby these days? Don't people have enough on of they spend time worrying about possessions

It's a bit unusual but not really worth stressing about.

And I just wanted to say, don't ever feel obliged to put yourself into any financial hardship organising parties etc. it's simply not worth it. Children can have a great birthday without too much expense - it's just important that they are surrounded by loving family and friends showing they care for them, really - but there can be a lot of pressure to throw a party that "matches up" to other ones you might have been invited to.

And honestly, it's not necessary.

At my DC last birthday party a child turned up with a gift and then decided they wanted it themselves and took it home with them! I was gobsmacked. The mum is a bit of an odd one.

We often find there’s a few kids that don’t bring a gift. I assume they’re short of cash or simply forgot and I’d hate for a child not to come at all simply because they didn’t have a gift. I don’t mind at all, although I prefer to make sure DS turns up with a gift.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to equate not giving a gift with “struggling financially“. It’s always possible to give a card and a small present and, quite honestly, many of us enjoy small knickknacks and small presents just as much as larger, expensive ones.

My suggestion is that you use this as an opportunity to discuss with your daughter what giftgiving means and why people do it. The subject is fascinating and you could have some interesting discussions about this. There are many threads on MN about gifts or the lack of them or the cost of them or why somebody does or doesn’t like what they’ve been given. Loads of thoughts on here. It’s a rich source for thinking about what’s really going on when someone gives a gift to someone else, and whether that creates an obligation in return and why that matters. Because it does matter.

Historians, for example, investigate who gave what in Tudor and Elizabethan times: some people kept detailed records, and it’s possible to trace the hierarchy of gifts and obligations that was maintained. In the same way, people get very exercised, for example, about the exchanges of gifts between our Prime Ministers and QE2 and the various Presidents of the US.

It IS consumerism.

We had this years ago from a really good friend. We always got a nice gift. Not expensive but something we knew they’d like (I often asked for ideas so it wasn’t that). When we invited friend the first year they didn’t have any gift at all. Next year - oh forgot and wil be b to school - nope. Third year - same again and said money in card. No card given.

I wouldn’t mind except we had given to them, good friends and they were loaded. They’d turn up with others giving gifts and look a bit sheepish but that was it.

my child was quite hurt and couldn’t understand it and thought they didn’t want to be friends anymore. As they got older they just got used it. But it’s a funny one for a group of friends all from the same culture etc. They loved the gifts we got!! And I couldn’t bring myself not to get them one.

It’s not grabby! It’s what usually happens at parties to small kids. The attendees usually bring a gift and go home with a party bag. Good old British culture!!

some may not partake but I don’t think it’s “grabby” for a child to wonder where a gift is. 🙄

I agree entirely, people who are bad mannered enough to not even bring a card trying to justify that by turning it round as being ‘grabby’, laughable!

I do hope all these people who don’t bring gifts/who can’t be bothered/who are anti-consumerism aren’t hypocritical enough to then expect a party bag? I definitely would not give them one.