Annoyed by lack of children’s birthday gift

[Gambino1726]

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit miffed by this? My DD (9) has a close friend who has attended her birthday party two years in a row without bringing a gift. To be clear, my annoyance is with the mum, certainly not the child!

Last year, they arrived and the mum mentioned they’d forgotten the gift but would bring it into school. We never heard another word about it. This year, they turned up empty-handed again and haven't mentioned it at all.

I’m a solo parent and I’ve spent hundreds on venue hire, food, and party bags to make the day special for everyone. While we definitely don’t need more 'tat' in the house, my daughter gets so excited about the tradition of opening gifts. She’s quite confused why her close friend didn't bring anything again. I’ve explained to her that nobody is obligated to give a gift and that some families might be struggling financially, but it still feels a bit stingy given the circumstances. AIBU to think a small token would have been appropriate?

I remember turning up to my best mates 10th birthday party with just a card. He lived in the nicer part of town and he was from a 2 parent middle class family, I was from a single parent low income family and lived in the council house side of the neighbourhood.

I’ll never forgot how him, his older sibling and parents reacted to the birthday card (no present).

They were like “wow that’s such a lovely card!!” and smiled the same way they did to others who brought presents.

I was touched even then because I could see they were going out of their way to show appreciation as they realised me/my mum didn’t have much to give.

I felt really comfortable after that. His family were always very kind to me and I wonder how they’re doing sometimes. They moved away to another part of town about a couple of years after that and I lost contact since we were also in different schools. Kindness is not over-rated!

That said it was the 90s and I feel - at least in my predominantly working class town - there was less of thing about presents then. I remember there was even one uninvited guest from our class, a girl who randomly dropped by the party completely empty handed and I doubt anyone thought anything of it. Things are a lot more proper nowadays with children being dropped off by parents etc

But no I wouldn’t say YABU as such as long as you don’t make the child feel awkward, and I would also think YANBU if you don’t give a gift if your child goes to her party. But other than that I wouldn’t give it much thought.

Pretty big budget if you can spend hundreds on a party

maybe one of the birthday activities should be card making for the birthday girl ? perhaps that should be A Thing?!

“your child is invited to xxx’s birthday party on x date at xvenue. We have crafting materials here and will be making our own birthday cards for the birthday girl on the day, so no need to buy a card prior, entirely up to you. Im sure the birthday girl would very much appreciate presents or sweets, but again it’s entirely up to you. look forward to seeing you there”

I threw my DD (8) a party recently.
14 in attendance and I spent:

Entertainment (2 hours and amazing with a character experience although I didn't get charged full price for the character) and sweet cones £275

Decorations £15ish? All K-Pop Demon Hunters

Hall hire £75 for three hours

Food was about £130-£140.
I didn't do loads as it never all gets eaten.

Quite pleased with the cost and the party was a great success 💪🏼 🙌🏼

Meant to say not everyone came with something and DD couldn't care less because I have raised her to know that presents aren't everything.
Time is a far bigger gift.

We do not give in order to receive! You are giving your child a poor example to follow. Why spend all that money in the first place?

Unless you're living in biblical times, there is no child that doesn't expect a gift in their birthday

Come on

Congratulations on being an amazing parent

I wouldn’t exclude the child over a gift. I’m not upset with the child at all. And I’m no longer miffed about the grownup either now. I think she’s a weird women in general, and this gift thing is just another weird thing she has going on

You can have good manners without being a doormat or a people pleaser. Letting someone know you are displeased because they didn’t bring a present is rude. It also turns what is meant to be a celebration into something transactional. Play dates are meant to encourage friendships, not guarantee you an invite back!

I have good enough manners to not say anything if somebody didn’t bring a gift, but I wouldn’t invite them again. Nobody does that here, despite many not being well off. If I genuinely thought somebody could not afford a gift that’s acceptable, but anyone can make a homemade card. I have actually found it’s people who absolutely can afford a gift who are the rudest/weirdest about basic etiquette, and I don’t gel with people who can’t be bothered.

No, it is rude. One-sided is not good, of course if somebody invites my children to play then my natural response is to teach my own children manners and said they was really kind of your friend, next time it is our turn to host them. I would never dream of continually sending my children to play at the same person’s without offering back, how incredibly rude!

My children do not expect gifts.
They are 8 and 11 (8yr old just had a birthday party two weeks ago) and I've raised them to not expect anything from anyone ever because if you do, you'll be disappointed a lot in life because people don't necessarily do what you do and that's ok.

I didn't say it to be superior or anything.
It's just personal preference that my children learn from early years how not everyone thinks the same or does the same as we do and that it's ok.
Compassion, understanding, courtesy and less entitlement.

You seriously wouldn't invite someone to a further event because they didn't bring a gift??

Yes, why should I? It’s very rude and upsetting to a young child, adults should know better. Nobody we know would ever do this. Only exception would be if a parent privately explained they could not afford to attend if not and they were genuinely destitute. Similarly, a child who was very rough and hit repeatedly two of my son’s friends at his last party- he won’t be getting an invite or upsetting anyone else this year.

To add to this, it’s all part of a long list of rudeness I’ve encountered hosting parties:

• People not turning up on the day- fine if you’re ill, life happens, but to not even send a cancellation message is awful. Really disappointing for the birthday child who is looking out for their friend to arrive, and their place could be offered to someone else.
• People arriving over an hour late- I’ve paid almost £20 for your child to attend, and such lateness really throws off entertainer timings, etc.
• People turning up with uninvited siblings.
• People openly critiquing the party venue/timings/location/layout whilst gossiping with other parents in earshot of the host! So beyond rude!

Why on earth would we keep inviting rude people when plenty of others get basic etiquette: RSVP yes or no, let us know if you can’t then make it, turn up on time, only bring who’s name is on the invite, don’t moan about our child’s choice of party (it’s about a child today, not you) and yes, do bring a gift, obviously!

We've had this a few times. My son invites the same child to his party most years and he sometimes doesn't turn up at all, sometimes he does turn up but the parents never say hello. They did wave when they collected him the last time which was good or I would've been a bit concerned if he just disappeared! Anyway, he never brings a present, but I think there is more going on with that family.

Yanbu to find it odd as it is rude to turn up empty handed, or to not show up at a party you've rsvp'ed yes to, or to show up with extra children etc. But these things do happen when hosting class parties ime. I imagine secondary school parties are a lot more casual.

The people in my life don't do that 🤷🏼‍♂️
Maybe be more selective and not so greedy/expecting?

Fair enough for the hitting child but to not invite someone because they didn't bring a gift the time before is just 🤯 to me

I absolutely hate this ridiculous notion that people should bring presents to birthday parties. First of all, when they do, it's often tat because nobody wants that additional expense. I do bring a present because I can afford it and know it is the done thing but I wouldn't mind one bit if people didn't bring them to my child's party. I would explain to my child that some people have more money than others for extra presents and that it's nice if she gets some but that the party is a nice opportunity to spend time with her friends and not about presents. They get so much anyway, does it really matter? Yes, the mum BSing you isn't ideal but she obviously knows she should have and for whatever reason hasn't. Parties should not be transactional. You don't arrange a party in exchange for a gift - that's like charging.

I think it’s really rude. You can get a card in the card factory for 30p and a bag of haribo for £1 so there’s no excuse really. I think we would know if a family was genuinely struggling for money and couldn’t afford anything which would be fine but for the majority it’s just rude.

We’ll have to agree to disagree- I cannot fathom how anyone could be rude enough to not bring a gift for a young, excited child. I would never embarrass my own child like that letting them turn up empty handed as a guest. That’s not preparing them for real life…you get invited to dinner at someone’s home then you take a bottle of wine/flowers, you get invited to a wedding you take a gift, you get invited to a christening then you buy the baby a gift!

It is greedy and expecting actually to turn up to a party a host has spent a lot of time/money organising, eat their food, take a party bag, whilst not bring a gift or ever hosting back yourself. So selfish and take, take, take.

I think this is class division because I asked on Facebook about this and whether people would reinvite a child who didn't bring a present last time they attended the same childs party and NO ONE would single a child out just because they didn't bring a gift.

You are discriminating and quite frankly it's disgusting and although I'm sure you are far more wealthy, educated blah blah than I am, I'd still rather be me with my open heart and care for all than you with your closed cold heart and mind.

So selfish and entitled to expect expect expect.

I raise my children to not expect anything from anyone because if you do, you'll be very disappointed a lot in your life because not everyone does as you do. And that's ok, let them do them. Just always be kind and know who you are.

You should take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself, do I like what I see?