Annoyed by lack of children’s birthday gift

[Gambino1726]

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit miffed by this? My DD (9) has a close friend who has attended her birthday party two years in a row without bringing a gift. To be clear, my annoyance is with the mum, certainly not the child!

Last year, they arrived and the mum mentioned they’d forgotten the gift but would bring it into school. We never heard another word about it. This year, they turned up empty-handed again and haven't mentioned it at all.

I’m a solo parent and I’ve spent hundreds on venue hire, food, and party bags to make the day special for everyone. While we definitely don’t need more 'tat' in the house, my daughter gets so excited about the tradition of opening gifts. She’s quite confused why her close friend didn't bring anything again. I’ve explained to her that nobody is obligated to give a gift and that some families might be struggling financially, but it still feels a bit stingy given the circumstances. AIBU to think a small token would have been appropriate?

Some children at my kids school live in temporary accomodation with no lounge at all, or live with family in shared and overcrowded accomodation and there cannot invite people. A council house is a luxury that lots of people don't have now.

A hall and providing catering yourself might be cheaper than taking a bunch to soft play too. The soft plays are absolutely extortionate around here.

I agree with this

My son's best friend has never bought a gift to parties. I don't think the parents are particularly broke (or particularly tight actually) but I just don't think they believe in gift giving...I suspect they think it's just increasing the amount of tat. My son has never really noticed or commented (if he did I'd slip him a fiver and say it was from friend) so it doesn't bother me - each to their own - it does mean I'm off the hook when getting gifts for their son. I do still get a gift because I want to (and my son wants to, more importantly) but I let me son choose sweets or whatever and don't worry about it.

Yes buying gifts is normal we buy gifts but no we dont wonder why people dont buy us gifts or have some points system of not inviting someone or not on whether they have bought us a gift the previous year or anything like it

It’s not grabby at all, it’s about thought and effort. My Dd has received a few home made/craft type presents and loved them as her friends had taken the time to make her something. She’s now 12 and still has some of the home made presents in her room from when she was 5/6

Yeah. I think you get off on shaming strangers. Makes you feel all glowy inside. Whatever. My rudeness is my gift to you. Enjoy 🎁

I would love to tell parents not to bring gifts all all, as my kids already have enough stuff, but my younger kids look forward to gifts. I would be quietly thankful if someone didn't bring one.

I had two friends who didn't bring wedding presents, and surprisingly I didn't cut them off.

No card and no present is rude behaviour.

But, then, I'm late 60's. Perhaps this is the new normal.

It's not, but on occasion some parents don't bring a present for whatever reason - but kids go to so many parties now and all the other kids would bring gifts to theirs, so it's really not a big deal if the odd kids doesn't have a gift.

I did this once. I was so broke, and didn’t drive. The coins in my pocket would do the bus to the party or a small gift. I chose the bus.

I lied and said I’d forgotten it.

couple of years later, we’d got to know each other and I finally admitted the truth over a glass of wine and she laughed. Apparently had I been honest they would have come and collected my daughter so I could hold on to my money. Never forgotten her kindness. Also learned to just be honest if things are tough.

You never got a birthday present 😢

No excuse for no card or token gift.
Teach your child to live and let live not keep score.

*Hate the word etiquette

Context matters though.

Or be rude about the party in general!! So many are. So many people are so critical of other people but don’t think about the impact of their own behaviour - especially on kids

My son has a friend like this. Dad made such a big deal first year about bringing it round later, would we be in, he will definitely come. He didn't. Second year I took the conversation with a pinch of salt. He didn't come. I don't know them enough to know the reason. But my son likes the kid - still hangs with him even though they are now too old for mum arranged parties. It's not the kids fault so don't penalise them. Just move on. We give our kids parties for their benefit. Not for the presents.

That’s very sad @Fatandknowit

But I do have to point out that the OP is not being in the slightest bit cruel. She’s talking about events that have already happened and the child in question was not excluded. The party happened last year and has already happened this year. The question is: would it have been appropriate to bring a small gift.

And I doubt the child’s family is so poor that they can’t afford a homemade card and a bag of chocolate buttons.

I agree with all of that.

You've spent hundreds on a party. I'm sure DC has loads of toys and doesn't need anything. I agree that it would be polite to bring a gift, even if it's just a token, but I wouldn't make a big thing out of it. Maybe there are valid reasons why she didn't bring one, and I wish we all stopped buying so much stuff.

My children are past the party stage now but there was an unspoken £5 limit rule on gifts for class parties

next party have it at home or in your local community centre with pass the parcel and moving statues as games

I would assume they couldn’t afford to bring a gift (even if they outwardly appear solvent) and would say nothing about it to anyone.

I would continue to take presents to their parties. I would teach your child that it is greater to give than receive and that friendship is its own gift.

You see, I wouldn’t. I’m teaching my children not to be people pleasers or doormats, and to interact with people who treat them equally. My children have already started to notice and question why we keep hosting but some don’t invite back. I have stopped inviting people to play dates or parties who do not reciprocate. It’s not about money, but effort. They absolutely could arrange something at home or at the park, one family did a lovely party in a flat- some simply cannot be bothered. I don’t want my children to grow up thinking they have to give and give and make effort with those who are entitled enough to keep on taking.

Cast your mind back to being an actual child…how would you have felt if your little friends never gave you a birthday present? Disappointed and upset, obviously. Children also love writing cards, picking and handing a present to their friends. They are children and allowed to be excited 1 day a year on their birthday! What is wrong with people?! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Oh I completely understand the OPs point, dont get me wrong. I guess my point is that regardless of whether the mum is skint or just a really tight and rude cow, dont ever exclude the child or think to uninvite in the future over the lack of a present etc...

I don’t think it’s the gift per say it’s more of a lack of acknowledgment from the mum, she could have had her daughter create a birthday card from paper, or a thank you note, I don’t think there’s an excuse