Annoyed by lack of children’s birthday gift

[Gambino1726]

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit miffed by this? My DD (9) has a close friend who has attended her birthday party two years in a row without bringing a gift. To be clear, my annoyance is with the mum, certainly not the child!

Last year, they arrived and the mum mentioned they’d forgotten the gift but would bring it into school. We never heard another word about it. This year, they turned up empty-handed again and haven't mentioned it at all.

I’m a solo parent and I’ve spent hundreds on venue hire, food, and party bags to make the day special for everyone. While we definitely don’t need more 'tat' in the house, my daughter gets so excited about the tradition of opening gifts. She’s quite confused why her close friend didn't bring anything again. I’ve explained to her that nobody is obligated to give a gift and that some families might be struggling financially, but it still feels a bit stingy given the circumstances. AIBU to think a small token would have been appropriate?

I wouldn't do it, but I wouldn't mind. There will be a reason somewhere in-between the parent being secretly broke and/or highly overwhelmed and disorganised.

I wouldn't do it, but I wouldn't mind. There will be a reason somewhere in-between the parent being secretly broke and/or highly overwhelmed and disorganised.

OP are you suggesting that a parent who can't afford a present should tell their child they can't go to the party?

We always take presents to parties BUT I don't ever want attendance to celebrate a special day to be dependent on having a present to give. When we have parties we don't check who sent what, there is a pile of presents/cards from those who were able (more than enough stuff!) and my kids get to share their day with the people they want there. You can let this go.

….and I’m on a budget 🤣

do you know how much food is these days? And venue hire at any kids place has a minimum spend? It’s not consumerism. It’s 2026 you daft bint.

Honestly, there are so many reasons why someone wouldnt bring a gift and I think all are fine. Its a good lesson for kids to learn that everyone lives their life differently, and that someone not getting a gift doesnt mean that person is rude or doesnt like them.
Even if the reason is that they dont want to. Who wants to receive a gift that the gift giver has only bought because social rules dictate that they will be seen as rude if they dont?

I think what you spent on the party is totally irrelevant and your choice. It would be just as rude to turn up to a smaller cheaper party without a gift, or a 50p card (or a homemade card - just a folded bit of A4 with a written message) if a gift is financially difficult.

I wonder if some people see the party they invite other children back to - in return - as erasing the need for the gift?

But yet they happily take presents at their own parties and don’t say ‘no presents please’.

This wouldn’t bother me, it’s nice the DC went to the party.

Someone’s presence is always better than their presents. I’d rather someone’s child come to my DC’s party than a present.

Would I send my DC with a gift? Yes
Would I be annoyed if someone’s DC turned up without a gift? No

I do think a card is a nice token though and people are financially struggling but home made gifts cost nothing so that’s always an option if anyone wants to send a gift but has no money to do so.

Its normal these days, ds has had a few parties no gifts or cards noticed the same at other kids parties.. and theres me feeling stingy with a £5 note in a card 😂

I could not do what this woman has done.... I think i might actually die of mortification
😅😅😅

Yanbu but I'd try and let it go.
The bit I wouldn't be okay with was my dds hurt so I think next year I'd prepare an extra gift in advance and quickly produce it and give it to the little girl to give to your dd.
The dd probably is sad at having no gift to give

At the other extreme my DS went to a party when he was about 12 and the birthday girl stood at the door took presents off people as they arrived, opened them and if she deemed them not good enough, didn't let the kid into her party.

I think it’s rude of the parents.

On the other hand, if you’re short of money, spending hundreds on a birthday party for. 9 year old is silly. You could still have made her birthday lovely and special on a smaller budget.

You just made yourself look 100 times ruder than the parent who didn’t bring a gift.

@Gambino1726. You are not obliged to hire a venue, or just hire a cheap place - the hall I manage is £20 an hour, few sandwiches and crisps, mini sausages and make jellies in plastic cups, 99p book each plus bag of haribo, traybake cake from the supermarket. Far cheaper than party venues

I would assume they either couldn't afford it or something going on at home that has made it difficult to get organised for one.

If you are able to be certain that is not the case I guess you can do the same next time it's the girl's birthday if you want to. But I'd let it go and encourage my DD to do the same..

I wouldn’t let my children attend a party without a card and gift. Even if the gift is a packet of sweets or something with a 99p card or homemade even. There’s no way you should turn up empty handed, it’s just fucking rude.

You're rude, this kids mum may be rude but you are the one who chose to spend a certain amount for your childs birthday party no one else, at least they attended.
You sound a bit grabby remembering they didn't buy one last year, who does that?

Yanbu as there is clearly a lack of effort from the parents.

A home made card, perhaps with some art work by the child added, costs nothing and is a way of showing care.

I don't have if guests don't give presents, but I would find not even going to the effort of a card quite rude. In my experience guests almost always give gifts as well to children's parties. As you say the kids get very excited receiving gifts.

No daft bint about it - you don't HAVE to hire a venue, etc. Many of DS's parties were at home, with 5-10 guests and a theme -Lego, Star Wars, Octonauts. We did also have a few venue ones (soft play, bowling, Ninja) but if money was an issue I wouldn't have.

nobody is obligated to give a gift and that some families might be struggling financially - I mean exactly.

The definition of a "party" is: A party is a social gathering for celebration, entertainment, or conversation, often featuring food and drinks.
Yes, I know, birthdays typically mean presents for the one whose birthday it is.
Also children are typically for sure the ones that get presents; cos they're kids.
I can't speak to why the mum didn't send her child without a card, or say, even a little token gift of some kind.
Perhaps she too has too much useless tat around and didn't want to add to the commercialism aspect and extra stuff that gets re-gifted or donated away?
Your child, I'm sure, wouldn't go without, meanwhile it's up to you if you wish to turn your child's birthday into a transactional occasion.

The fact that 47 % think you're unreasonable suggests that a lot more people don't think need to take a card and gift to a child's birthday party. Interesting! I think it's really rude but nothing trumps my experience of a mum of dd's classmate dropping her child and his two teenage siblings off at dd's party (no card or gift) and watching them eat and drink everything in sight. I kind of admire how some people do not give a shit.

Has it occurred to you that some people have too small a home/an unsuitable home for a party? Not everyone has a big home.

For many, hiring a venue is the only option for a winter party. (In warmer times of the year it could be held in a park)

I think it's very strange to turn up at a child's birthday party without a gift. But you shouldn't equate that with how much the party cost
The two things are separate