To struggle forgiving a friend who wasn’t there when I really needed them?

[MyCosyHare]

I’m not talking about small stuff. I mean a genuinely hard period where I could have used support and they disappeared. Now they want to carry on like normal. I’m torn between keeping the peace and feeling like something fundamental shifted. How do you move past that or do you?

Cut them out, I’d say. Sorry to be blunt, but that’s true colours.

Depends why they weren't there.

I don't think like that. I accept people for what they can give and allow that they might be overwhelmed in their own lives or unable to step up in the way I might like. However we have no context here, so you could be very reasonable to be unable to forgive. Maybe give it more time and see if the feeling subsides?

Yup. I did this for the same reason.

I don't move past someone shitting on me.

I couldn’t move past it when it happened to me.

Made me completely reevaluate the friendship and realised it wasn’t worth it any more.

I had this and I did get over it, but she was put in a category of ‘fun night out, good at organising stuff’ rather than someone I would ever rely on emotionally.

I accepted what she could offer.

However years later I’m feeling angry about it all over again as she’s still very self-centred and I’m getting tired of it.

You don't - the relationship has shifted and won't get back to the.previous"normal" because you now know something unpleasant about this person that you didn't before.

Give yourself time and space from this person to recalibrate the relationship at a level you can rise to. If you can be bothered.

It’s a no for me….you really see someone’s true personality when you need support.

Sort of torn really as I’ve been a friend who pulled back from people over the years due to trying to quietly deal with trauma and not wanting to share. Some things have happened that only dh and I know about and I haven’t even felt able to share with my closest friends. As a result I’ve definitely not been as present as a friend as I had always been until then.
And now I’m in a stronger place to have picked back up all the social things and hanging out with friends again almost as if nothing ever happened.
I’d have been devastated if any of my friends had cut me off but equally it’s their prerogative and you have to put number one first.
You can end the friendship if you want, you don’t need permission.

Depends what support you needed and why they couldn’t give it to you.

It's no one's job support us in a way we see fit. Your friend gave as much as she was able or wanted. That's it. If it's changed your relationship that's fine. Move on.

We would need to hear the friend’s side of the story to be able to decide. What was going on in her life? How did you treat her?
There is always 2 sides to every story.

I don’t think you can expect help from friends. If they give it, all well and good. But there isn’t a bottom line they have to adhere to.

This, why do you feel entitled to be able to decide what she does with her life and time?

It’s not entitlement.

It’s realising that a relationship isn’t what you thought it was.

This, I had a friend who had your opinion of friendship during her breakup with her boyfriend. She wanted to sit for hours and dissect every nuance of their relationship, then go out partying to “get over him”…
I’d just had a baby so couldn’t do this level of support, and despite the multiple calls, texts and meet ups, it still wasn’t enough… she only wanted what she’d decided I had to do.

Is your username from Princess And The Frog? I've had the songs from that as earworms for 2 weeks, especially Dig A Little Deeper.

@MyCosyHare I agree - friends aren't your support humans. We all have to manage as best we can. If others can or will be there, that's brilliant. But my emotional load is not my friends' burden.

They give what they are ok with. Everyone is struggling with things we don't know or is tired in ways we don't appreciate.

So a relationship is only if you do what you’re told?

A friend pulled back from me so I let them be as I didn’t want to be that person and assumed they would come back if they needed me. All it took was them not replying to a couple of my messages but I didn’t want to encroach or impose. Could this be like you op? Just giving another perspective, I hope you’re ok x

Thing is, everyone has problems. Perhaps they were at capacity or had their own issues to manage. And some people are self interested and not that close to us as we think. I’d keep it low level and in the fun friend category which is still pretty good

Not enough info or context. You needing support doesn’t mean they have to give it. Maybe they felt unable to provide what you needed. Maybe they felt you were demanding too much attention. Maybe they had things going on in their life which you did or didn’t know about, and didn’t have the mental bandswidth to give to others.

if you don’t want be friends with her, that’s fine.

It is entitled - imposing certain standards on others - it’s not the definition of friendship - you need to be flexible and understanding and communicate rather than trying to control others

you also
dont know what may have been going on for her

speak to her about it - she might not even know where you are coming from

It is! Watched on first night home with ds1 while up feeding at daft o’clock and sobbed uncontrollably at Rays love for her…

I agree with PP that friends are not bound to give support in difficult times. People do what they can. And people have their own battles going on which others might not be aware of.