To struggle forgiving a friend who wasn’t there when I really needed them?

[MyCosyHare]

I’m not talking about small stuff. I mean a genuinely hard period where I could have used support and they disappeared. Now they want to carry on like normal. I’m torn between keeping the peace and feeling like something fundamental shifted. How do you move past that or do you?

Same here...you can't pretend you weren't/aren't hurt and continue to have a close friendship.

You haven't given enough detail in your post. What were you going through and what support did you ask for and how did they respond? If you were going through something really difficult like illness or abuse and needed someone to drive you to appointments or come over to yours at crisis points and your friend ignored your messages/calls then yes that is shitty behaviour. However if you were just feeling down in the dumps and expected her to know this and magically give you what you needed without you asking her then there isn't really anything to forgive.

It is not possible to have regret not disclosing as it was not a choice. I was too traumatised to fully understand let alone speak about it. It would have been like asking a person with an open fracture to hop on it. Over 2 decades later I am still processing what happened in that period.

It was before #MeToo. I do regret my employers and colleagues (at that point I thought they were friends) who saw what was happening did nothing to support me.

My DH died in an accident suddenly and unexpectedly. I found his body. You can bet I've had trauma flashbacks! In the midst of it all, I never forgot there are other people having a hard time and checked in with them.

I met a friend at a widow's support group who lost her husband the same time I did. She didn't manage quite as well and was admitted to a mental health facility. I know she wasn't in a state to let me know but I knew she was having a hard time and she asked her son to let me know what was happening as soon as she could.

I think most people would forgive the first time. Then maybe just give them a heads up that sometimes you're having a hard time so don't respond or contact during that time? At least then they'll know it's not that you don't care but are dealing with stuff and unavailable.

Anyone who didn't contact me to see how I was in the 18 months after my husband's death was gone from my life. That tells me all I need to know about their care for me.

Sometimes they line they've crossed is too big, so it's not worth the effort.

We lost a child in the family last year and the people I expected to be there pretty much blanked me, I got the standard thinking of you text and after that there's been nothing. One messaged the other week saying we must meet up for coffee but has ignored me since I replied. My circle has actually got dramatically smaller, but the same time I don't have the energy to make small talk either way. I definitely see people differently now, and really don't think any of these relationships will be the same.

I didn’t. I told her in no uncertain terms where she could take her behaviour and go! It really hurt me

I'm sorry for your loss. Making friends with people who have 'been there' is often the best way to have friends who understand. With my friend, we don't even have to talk about it. We know the life subtext.

I'm terrible at asking for support. I really don't. I also don't expect people to read minds, but I do think that a message after the funeral period is over isn't a big thing to expect. That should just be intuitive.

I’m very sorry for your loss. What you went through sounds devastating, and I understand why consistent checking-in became so important to you.

I think where we differ is that people’s nervous systems respond to trauma in very different ways. Some stay outward-facing and communicative. Others withdraw and lose access to communication altogether, particularly autistic people or those with complex trauma (both friend and I are diagnosed autistic and have significant childhood trauma. We met at DBT sessions). Neither reflects the depth of care, just capacity in that moment.

Then maybe just give them a heads up that sometimes you're having a hard time so don't respond or contact during that time? At least then they'll know it's not that you don't care but are dealing with stuff and unavailable.

As a rule, this is how I function. Very occasionally, in extremely difficult times, I can't. If there's a friendship pattern of poor communication and demonstrative care, then I agree with your stance, but I wouldn't cut someone off for a blip. We’re unlikely to agree, but I appreciate you sharing your perspective.

This exact thing happened to me too, I posted here about it but yours is far more articulately written ❤️ wishing you all the best for treatment and recovery.

I cut a friend out of my life after 35 years. It was only then I realised she had never been a true friend. Best thing I ever did.

I'm autistic and withdraw in general, so if someone checks in with me, "I'm just fine, thanks". The checking in is important though. I understand the traumatic childhood too. I stayed home from events twice this week as I just needed my own space. That's actually my biggest battle - wanting to hermit vs. knowing it's not good to live that way all the time. I will always be there and reach out to other people going through a hard time.

In the end, what is normal for your friendships will prevail. Everyone has blips from time to time. As long as everyone understands the other and that there is care, it would be okay.

I'm not going to consider not asking how I am in 18 months a blip though. That's much bigger and I'm not even interested in taking the relationship any further.

Thank you for answering with such grace.

honestly if she’s a good friend id speak to her over coffee.

it could be she says ‘i didjt want to worry you when you were going through abc but i was going through xyz at the time and it was awful’

at least then you’d understand. if she’s a good was a good friend i’d say it in the way of ‘i was wondering if everything was ok with you because you’re usually around for me and i for you, but when i was dealing with abc you weren’t really available and i was wondering if it was because something was wrong?’

and if she says no all was fine id be going on to say ‘im glad to hear it but honestly i was a little lost and when i was asking for help you vanished, what was that all about, did i annoy you or something. it really upset me.’

depending on what she replied i’d be ‘busy’ a lot when she messaged in future or back to normal with her.

There isn’t enough information.

Did they know you needed support? Did they understand the severity? Why were they not there?

If you have been open with them about needing support and being low and they pulled back then no - I wouldn’t forgive.

Ive had this. Years ago I had a ‘best’ friend who knew I was going through the worst time. I was so open and honest with her about it all. She messaged and called me lots but was weirdly cagey about meeting up, having a bit of a girlie night etc. Like she was ok to message and chat but not actually see me or give me a hug. I figured at the time it was just a case of plans never leaving the chat, having kids and jobs etc

She then had a ‘birthday weekend’ spa day a couple of weeks later with ‘the girls’ which I only found out about through her social media post - same ‘girls’ I’ve been out with with her a number of times - which back then would have been a great distraction to the crap I was going through. It then transpired this was her hen party as she got married a few weeks later which she also hadn’t told me about and same girls were at the wedding. Small registry office, small meal afterwards.

I was utterly floored. My ‘best’ friend got married and hadn’t actually mentioned a thing about it to me. It turned out the entire issue was her ‘best’ friend had taken a dislike to me so I’d been sidelined for her - she chose her over me.

I have never spoken to her again. I wish her no ill feelings but she will never be a part of my circle ever again.

I've a friend that dropped me when I became I'll and unable to drive anymore .
I also used to do odd jobs for her .
However she is quick enough to invite me to hers to help out ( aka do ) when it comes to online form filling / admin or searching online for stuff like insurance quotes / changing banks / setting up Direct Debits etc.
I'm much more unavailable to her .

A couple of close friends of mine disappeared/ didn’t check in after I had a pregnancy loss a few years back and it took a lot of time and upset for me to move on from it and build our friendships up again. I definitely don’t see them the same as before but I tried to give them some grace as I know sometimes people don’t know what to say.

Depends why they weren't there. A few years ago I know I wasn't there for a friend who needed support. I was dealing with stuff myself - bereavement and my own mental health issues- and I didn't have anything to give. I was honest with her about it. I had previously been there to support her over many many years. She pulled back and I've since felt really conflicted about it, as it seemed like I was only wanted if I was 'useful'. We are still friends but not as close as we were.

Sometimes people pull back because they think you need space or know you’re struggling so think that leaving you to it is helpful, even though it’s not always. Maybe tell her how you feel?

Weird, third thread in as many days near enough about friends allegedly not being there.

I dont think theres enough info op. Based on similar threads it appears anything down to forgetting if a friend takes sugar in their tea can be considered truly hurtful and unforgiveable requiring flowers, notes, paid lunches.....

So I gave them a chance when they let me down through a dark time. Unfortunately they did it again through another bad patch. I’m done now. I’ve also seen this person clearly for what they were.

Sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss.

My son died when he was 14. I have some friends who never spoke to me again.

Cut an old friend out for this reason and I don’t regret it. I was always there for her whenever she needed, some of her issues were seriously minor and petty but I’d help as much as I could. Then when I went through a shit time she just wouldn’t return the favour at all. I’d pour my heart out and she’d just respond with one basic line along the lines of ‘I’m so sorry mate’.

Just do it, you’ll feel better. What is the purpose of a friend if they’re not there for you through shit times as well as good?