To struggle forgiving a friend who wasn’t there when I really needed them?

[MyCosyHare]

I’m not talking about small stuff. I mean a genuinely hard period where I could have used support and they disappeared. Now they want to carry on like normal. I’m torn between keeping the peace and feeling like something fundamental shifted. How do you move past that or do you?

Have they acknowledged that you've had a hard time or explained what was happening why they couldn't offer you support?

Or did they ignore you until they felt enough time had gone past for you to be "over it" and try to act like nothing has happened?

I think you’re deliberately missing the point.

It’s not unreasonable to have an expectation that someone you feel you have a close relationship with would support you (and that you would support them - relationships aren’t a one-way street). If they don’t, then it means that they don’t feel as close to you as you do to them. Which is fine, but can take some adjusting to / reevaluation.

Think it depends on what you mean by not there for you and why she isn't. I've been in a position where a former friends version of me "not being there for her" was me not telling her she was in the right when she was in the wrong. Got to the point being around her had a negative effect on my mental health.

The urge to immediately cut people out without even expressing your feelings or giving them a chance to explain if not a second chance is, I am sure, a bit part of why we are all so lonely and isolated at the moment.

Say how you feel OP, think before about what you want to say and try to stay calm and clear but don't be afraid to be a bit vulnerable. How they react will help make your decision.

I did wonder that at one point. But I’d been pretty open about needing support, which is why it hit harder when she pulled back. I suppose I’m just trying to figure out whether I can move past that.

Some people just don't have it in them to be the person you want or need them to be when time are really tough and that's fine. Providing they don't expect you to be there if they're having a rough ride of it. Friendships work best when they're even and expectations matched and if that's not happening here then it's fine to move on.

No I’m not, you’re still saying you have the expectation that someone has to act like you want them to

I have friends who weren’t there for me during cancer treatment, 4 months after having a baby. They’re still my friends. I was hurt at the time and it was awkward but we’ve spoken, dealt with it and moved past it - people give what they are able to, and I’m glad we addressed it.

No I’m not. People act how they want to act. But if they act in a way that shows that you are not as important to them as they are to you, it’s perfectly reasonable to reevaluate that relationship.

Have you never had a close friendship? Mutual support is kind of a key part of that.

Ok so not the same, I wasn’t sure. Some people literally need you to say “I need help from you” but that’s not helpful when you already are in crisis and are needing someone to pick up on cues, even obvious ones.

I have recently been diagnosed with cancer. My best friend has disappeared.

I know it’s because she actually can’t deal with the trauma of possibly losing her best friend because she has just buried her father last month and her mother is in her last few months with Alzheimer’s and cancer. I have been very supportive towards her prior to diagnosis for years but recognise that she is knee deep in shit as am I undergoing surgery and radiation in the last month but I know we will reconnect when we are both out of our respective troughs as has been the case over our 30 year friendship. It just hasn’t been simultaneous before. Everyone only has finite capacity at any onetime. I likely have friends with issues at the moment that maybe are not yet aware of my situation so might be judging me.

I have found where people have withdrawn / stepped back - other amazing better able to deal with it people step in from left field - switch your focus to be ready to be open to this and embrace it.

Of course I have and still do. I just am not arrogant enough to demand “ I want you to do this and if you don’t I won’t be your friend”..
maybe we did when we first met at 5, but we’ve all grown up and acknowledged that sometimes other people have their own life difficulties and we’re not the centre of everyone’s universe.

But that’s far from the only possible explanation.

Maybe she was unable to provide the support you were demanding of her.

Steady on, asking for support isn’t demanding

Depends what support being asked for is?

What an incredibly mature, insightful and thoughtful post.

I really wish you all the best with your diagnosis and hope you get the treatment you need and support from the best person and place available in the meantime.

Did she forget to take you to a hospital appointment?

Sometimes you realise you’ve been on mumsnet too much when comments like this make sense!

In the past I’d have made excuses ‘no one’s perfect’ or ‘why throw away a friendship’ but, as I’ve got older, I’ve become less forgiving and determined to only invest my time in friendships that are mutually loving and supportive. I’ve distanced myself from one-sided friendships or ‘fair weather friends’ (as my mother called them). Luckily, I have some really special friends that are always there for me and vice versa and they’re worth everything to me and I’m glad I’m not compromising any more.

I feel for you. I am currently going through a really hard time, probably the worst my mental health has ever been and it coincides with retraining in a stressful career (which has definitely exacerbated things). I was having a vent about work the other night and one of my closest friends basically told me to "shut up and stop complaining because you chose to do this". Considering the support I've given him through hard times in his life I found it really unkind and have stepped back from that friendship for a while - whilst I will move past it eventually, I will be a bit more wary in future.

Years ago a previously close friend messaged wanting support. I replied I couldn’t as I was busy and she avoided me ever since and we lost contact.
I wonder what she needed support for but will never find out.

What she will never know is I was being sexually harassed by my boss, was about to lose my job and had just been diagnosed with a long term condition. I was in no place to offer justification or support as I was barely hanging on myself.
I still regret the loss of that friendship.

Do you know why your friend didn’t offer support?

For me I'd be trying to understand why and then deciding if the reason was good enough for me to accept.

If they were struggling at the same time then it's fair for them to need to protect their own limited resilience. If it was just discomfort or laziness or similar then I'd be done. Have you any inkling into why they weren't there? Were they there at the start but not consistently?

A fair point, but being asked and being demanded of are very different and OP hasn’t given any indication of demanding things, only indicating that they needed support.

A friend of mine (call her A) is going through this with a mutual friend B at the moment. Friend A has been going through shit for over a year, and I message her and see her a lot, but B never does and instead asks me about A, which I’m finding increasingly awkward. I’m appalled about B’s lack of empathy and care, and tbh am thinking of cutting her off myself.

YWNBU at all to cut her off OP, and I’m sorry you’ve been going through a tough time 💐