To struggle forgiving a friend who wasn’t there when I really needed them?

[MyCosyHare]

I’m not talking about small stuff. I mean a genuinely hard period where I could have used support and they disappeared. Now they want to carry on like normal. I’m torn between keeping the peace and feeling like something fundamental shifted. How do you move past that or do you?

I don't really expect friends to be a support in difficult times other than to send/say a kind word every now and then, and I wouldn't want someone to rely on me for day to day stuff either as I have enough going on with work, and family. Friends are for socialising and good times.

OP I completely understand how you feel. I experienced something similar, although in my case the friend quite literally disappeared. In the middle of me going through the absolute worst time of my life.

Only after she disappeared did I actually look back over our friendship and realise it had been COMPLETELY one sided. Our whole friendship prior had been ME helping HER. And I mean I went wayyyy above and beyond.

She had past trauma over something and she would message me all hours of the day and night having a breakdown over things, and I was there for her 100% of the time. She said I helped her more than her therapist of years ever did.

Then it was my turn to need some support. Which I never asked for, begged for, pressured about etc. Didn't really expect anything apart from her checking in on me or at least replying to my update messages etc. She knew I was going through arguably one of the worst things a parent could experience, and she just....vanished.

Ultimately I realised she just wasn't a very good friend, as much as I had seen her as one of my closest friends. It was only when the friendship benefited HER.

It was hard at the time but essentially I can look myself in the mirror and know I was a good friend to her. She can't say the same

Why do you need to forgive her? Do you have other friends? Did you get support elsewhere? Does SHE need something?

Fair weather friends, you mean?

18 months after my DH died suddenly in an accident, I cut out someone who had been a very close friend. She didn't ask once in that time how I was doing. I know she had nothing major going on because everyone knew if she ever did. Asking at least once in that time is the least I would have expected. I'm not demanding and didn't actually expect anything particular from anyone (I'm very self sufficient), but I do expect a single check in to be the minimum a good friend would do. It shows they care.

Never spoke to her again. If she'd contacted me to discuss I would have forgiven. Instead, she just had a sobbing post on Facebook about how she tries to be a good person but obviously keeps failing when she realised I'd moved on.

Sometimes you learn who your friends are. Major life events are one of those times.

No man is an island. Humans are social animals. They rely on each other. So if a friend is not there when you need them, and don’t even bother explain reasons, are they really a friend?

Are adults really against the idea of giving an explanation? I am busy sounds cold when someone close to you is seeking support. . Poster could have given a bit more explanation without getting in details like sexual harassment - sorry I can’t be there for you at the moment. I’ve a lot of work stress, etc

Saying nothing or I am busy and then expecting other person to know is really immature.

No, they're not. I often find those who let you down are the ones that want all the support and lap it all up themselves. Being there can be very minimal.

I often find those who let you down are the ones that want all the support and lap it all up themselves.

I have experienced this too.

It's a shame. Some people are emotional vampires. I don't mind being there for people at all and will do a lot to support if I can, but I'm not a sucker either.

I've never actually asked of had any specific expectations of anyone. For major difficult life events, I do expect the most minimum effort to just indicate they care or have thought of you. Even if one measly text message in the space of a year following a major loss.

I have a friend who went through a very difficult time a few years ago (her DD was very seriously ill). Looking back I feel bad that I wasn't really there for her, but it happened to be a time when I was going through some tricky stuff myself (although not to the same extent) and didn't have much extra bandwidth for anything else. We're still very close friends.

You can forgive her if you decide that she’s just a good weather friend and don’t expect more than that. Fool me once..

I’m so sorry you went through this. Please can you share how you moved past it and carried on the friendship? I am inspired and curious

Sometimes you have to access professional support, not lean on friends. Not everyone is able to give the support your want or has the capacity to accommodate your issues.

The fact that you expressed needing support, could have scared and overwhelmed her. It can be hard to get entrenched in someone else's problems.

I recently felt a bit similar, except I didn't ask for support. I just expected my friend to ask now and again how I was doing after my sibling was diagnosed with cancer.

She never did, then my sibling passed away and I know she feels bad about not being in touch. I was disappointed, but thought she probably has her own problems.

When she said she didn't realise it was that bad, I just said you wouldn't because you haven't been in touch.

As the saying goes - feelings are never right or wrong OP. You shouldn’t push away your hurt and anger and you’re not bad for feeling them. Whatever you decide, you should acknowledge that hurt to yourself and, as far as possible, seek comfort from yourself or others for it. You can then decide what you want to do: all the options listed here are reasonable ones. You’ll choose what feels most right for you. You won’t be able to simply revert to what was, but you might find other ways of remaining friends. Or not. Best of luck to you.

It takes a few seconds to text, "Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. x"

Even when dealing with funeral arrangements for my DH I was able to check in with other people who were less close to see how they were doing.

I have a “friend” who often needs support, but she doesn’t give any back (at all), displays some sort of clear entitlement for everyone to provide it and is so self absorbed with her thoughts and feelings that doesn’t realise that often she is asking people, who have are having a more difficult time than her, for support at the wrong time. A simple meeting for a coffee turns into a 2 hour monologue of her dumping all her grievances on you as if you were a paid therapist.

I have had her demanding attention when I have been in hospital with a stroke, no compassion for me, she just needed someone to hear her because she had an argument with an ex boyfriend. She had a melt down because the guy she divorced 10 years ago is not helping her worth things in her house at the time I was trying to support my child after his friend killed himself, so I admit that when her 93 year old dad died last year I provided her with the support any people would provide to a normal person and that I would expect and got from friends when my dad died (called her, took her out two times for her to had a chance to talk, checked how she was doing during the funeral) and left her to it, I couldn’t face dealing with the moaning monologues for days as I was having a massively bad time supporting a family member who had bigger problems than her and I didn’t have, simply, the strength to carry her too. Thinking of it as I am writing this post, I just noticed that when my dad died she didn’t contact me at all… 🤔

So Op, if you are always providing support to her and she has not reciprocated, just get rid of such energy leach as she is a user.

if you are the one who needs the support all the time… just check you are not expecting too much from people who may be having a worse time than you.

What does “carrying on like normal” look like for them? Does she realise that you feel that she let you down?
While it’s true that we cannot expect people to step up in exactly the way you want them to I would be annoyed if I had done so for them previously and they had not bothered- friendships are supposed to be give and take in my view
She would move from being a “friend” to being someone I used to know

I think what is clear from this thread is that not everyone seems to view close friendships in the same light. I find it curious that they’re talking about close friendships as being those where you don’t share anything important at all or give each any emotional support. I wouldn’t call those relationships friendships at all, let alone close friendships. To me they’re good acquaintances. But seemingly we all have different opinions on this.

I don’t think you’re being controlling or demanding or other things you’ve been accused of. I also think someone who has accepted your support a lot in the past can at least listen to you offloading and send you the odd text message of support. However, I do understand that other people may see it differently. If your friend is in this category I would say then just re-categoríse her as a good acquaintance and find better actual friends.

Isn’t there? Humans & animals are usually programmed to be decent.

Yes but it depends on how it is looked, to someone needing someome to talk at endlessly about the same thing it may not be possible for anyone to fulfill that

So 'being there' can mean different things to different people

One person can be incredibly needy another only thinks of themselves

so who is to say who is right or wrong?

I sat with a friend once who complained no one had been there for her in her darkest hour when she had really needed help as she went through IVF and related injections and felt in the lowest mood she’d ever been. Her commentary was clearly directed at me, as one of the people who hadn’t been there for her and how she couldn’t rely on anyone. The thing is, at that time I was going through quite a lot of my own shit so would’ve had limited bandwidth. That aside, I was completely oblivious to the fact she needed help. I knew vaguely she was going through IVF but she didn’t say anything or express anything about needing help with lifts or needing a shoulder to cry on or wanting to talk about it as she was finding it so so physically and emotionally difficult. I would’ve dropped some other things and leapt to help had I known she needed support of any kind.

So I guess what I’m saying is is it as obvious as you think that your friend knew you needed help and therefore her choice was an active one to let you down

Depends on the reason why they weren’t there, and whether they knew how much of a hard time you were having.

Friends are important. It’s not wise to dispose of them. It really depends on how badly they let you down.

More or less, yes. Though I have had some of them for 40 years, so there must be something in it. It's not that we don't talk about difficult stuff or support one another at all at least remotely but we all have families around us as a first support. We primarily just have a good time when we meet and it's the same as it ever was. And sometimes when you have something going on, it's nice to be with people who don't know that particular thing, so you can be normal with them.

DH was in hospital for over a month with a life-threatening condition. I thought my sister would check in each day, but she was too busy having two hour 'phone calls with a friend having relationship problems. I've tried to move on from that but it still hurts that she couldn't be arsed except for a daily text.