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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To struggle forgiving a friend who wasn’t there when I really needed them?

156 replies

MyCosyHare · 25/02/2026 21:53

I’m not talking about small stuff. I mean a genuinely hard period where I could have used support and they disappeared. Now they want to carry on like normal. I’m torn between keeping the peace and feeling like something fundamental shifted. How do you move past that or do you?

OP posts:
ycmtsu · 26/02/2026 06:27

DeftGoldHedgehog · 26/02/2026 06:23

More or less, yes. Though I have had some of them for 40 years, so there must be something in it. It's not that we don't talk about difficult stuff or support one another at all at least remotely but we all have families around us as a first support. We primarily just have a good time when we meet and it's the same as it ever was. And sometimes when you have something going on, it's nice to be with people who don't know that particular thing, so you can be normal with them.

I know what you mean with that last bit. I feel the same way. But anyone who really knows me as a friend will be aware of the loss I choose not to share with most people. It's such a big thing that it can't be avoided forever.

If I keep a friend as a more distant one that is just for certain activities, then that's fine. But anyone who was around at the time knew my husband had died, and I don't think ignoring that is forgivable.

Motnight · 26/02/2026 06:30

Rhaidimiddim · 25/02/2026 22:03

You don't - the relationship has shifted and won't get back to the.previous"normal" because you now know something unpleasant about this person that you didn't before.

Give yourself time and space from this person to recalibrate the relationship at a level you can rise to. If you can be bothered.

I think that is a really good description about the relationship permanently shifting. I have had a similar situation and as a result I just don't see my "friend" of over 30 years in the same way. And honestly - all I "needed" from them at the time was one text asking if I was ok. That's it. Something to show that they cared about me. Got nothing. We have met up briefly since, there's not going to be a big falling out, just me coming to terms with the fact that my 'friend' cared far less about me than I did them.

ycmtsu · 26/02/2026 06:37

Motnight · 26/02/2026 06:30

I think that is a really good description about the relationship permanently shifting. I have had a similar situation and as a result I just don't see my "friend" of over 30 years in the same way. And honestly - all I "needed" from them at the time was one text asking if I was ok. That's it. Something to show that they cared about me. Got nothing. We have met up briefly since, there's not going to be a big falling out, just me coming to terms with the fact that my 'friend' cared far less about me than I did them.

Exactly. It doesn't have to be much. Just one text to show they care. That can't be too much for anyone who isn't in a coma.

FloofBunny · 26/02/2026 06:42

If you've been that badly let down, in my view it's irreparable. When my mother died when I was 39, my very best friend from childhood basically never spoke to me again. I did try, but she'd reluctantly send one reply and that was it. For the 18 months between my mother dying and me confronting her about her behaviour, I never heard from her, not once. And we had known each other since we were three and been like sisters since we were ten and the teacher sat us next to each other. While I agree that others aren't our support humans, this friend never gave me one kind word or shred of support. In fact, when we did have contact, instigated by me, she was pretty hostile. It was like she hated me because my mother died. And she had been fine up to the point when my mum actually passed. It was the weirdest thing ever. Writing that out makes me wonder if she had actually come to dislike me and did this on purpose - i.e. taking away her friendship at the very moment I needed it most.

Anyway, I did eventually talk to her about it, by email as we lived some way apart by that time. I said what was in my heart, about how much she'd meant to me over the years and how amazed and hurt I was that I had never heard from her after Mum went. I predicted I would get the famous non-apology apology "I'm sorry you feel that way" and that's exactly what she said. Bear in mind that this isn't about some argument - this is about my mum dying!

After she said "I'm sorry you feel that way" I really lost my temper. That was 11 years ago and I have no regrets. Nobody needs someone who can't be there for you at all when the chips are down.

Only you know how badly you've been let down, and if there are any mitigating factors. Mine was especially brutal, calculated you might say, with no mitigating factors at all, but YMMV.

Good luck in sorting it all out in your mind.

thisoldcity · 26/02/2026 06:43

I think sometimes people just don't have the capacity to empathise enough at the time and it's only as life events happen to them personally that they realise what others have gone through and they then actually grow as a person who can be there for others. I don't know if I've explained what I mean well enough here, but I've seen some friends definitely be more supportive themselves once life events like bereavement for example have happened. Then again, others just never manage it...

Miraclemuma03 · 26/02/2026 06:54

Cut them off. I myself have been through some of my so called friends hardest times in their lives and I showed 100%, I was there to do their food shop, paid for it aswell, paid their rent, paid their bills, looked after their kkds for weeks on end, toom them to their appointments, paid for lunches and coffee out, took and paid for their kids to come to the movies or amusements parks. when i lost my son at 16 weeks gestation, I heard from no one, absolutely no one. No one turned up to help me with anything, no one messaged me to ask how I was, did I need anything or if I was even still alive really. I even had one friend tell me I didn't know what grieving is and il get over it. So far I lost my bio dad, my sister and my son, so im pretty sure i know what grief is. I cut them all off, all of them, I told them all what I thought if them and then blocked them. I have since made a couple of new friends who seem to have my back but iv decided not to give all of me and set stronger boundaries.

Miraclemuma03 · 26/02/2026 06:56

Miraclemuma03 · 26/02/2026 06:54

Cut them off. I myself have been through some of my so called friends hardest times in their lives and I showed 100%, I was there to do their food shop, paid for it aswell, paid their rent, paid their bills, looked after their kkds for weeks on end, toom them to their appointments, paid for lunches and coffee out, took and paid for their kids to come to the movies or amusements parks. when i lost my son at 16 weeks gestation, I heard from no one, absolutely no one. No one turned up to help me with anything, no one messaged me to ask how I was, did I need anything or if I was even still alive really. I even had one friend tell me I didn't know what grieving is and il get over it. So far I lost my bio dad, my sister and my son, so im pretty sure i know what grief is. I cut them all off, all of them, I told them all what I thought if them and then blocked them. I have since made a couple of new friends who seem to have my back but iv decided not to give all of me and set stronger boundaries.

Should also mentioned i cleaned their homes, stayed with them at their lowest moments to help them manage and get through and talked to them daily to make sure they were ok, I was there for them and to support them.

Citrusbergamia · 26/02/2026 07:05

ycmtsu · 26/02/2026 04:04

18 months after my DH died suddenly in an accident, I cut out someone who had been a very close friend. She didn't ask once in that time how I was doing. I know she had nothing major going on because everyone knew if she ever did. Asking at least once in that time is the least I would have expected. I'm not demanding and didn't actually expect anything particular from anyone (I'm very self sufficient), but I do expect a single check in to be the minimum a good friend would do. It shows they care.

Never spoke to her again. If she'd contacted me to discuss I would have forgiven. Instead, she just had a sobbing post on Facebook about how she tries to be a good person but obviously keeps failing when she realised I'd moved on.

Sometimes you learn who your friends are. Major life events are one of those times.

Oh the pas-agg memes on FB/insta do make me laugh. Whenever I see one, it's usually the same person/acquaintance/colleague diva/princess and I'm thinking 'ooo who's pissed you off now?!' Because inevitably, she's been a CF and the other person has called her out and she just doesn't get it.

A friend of mine, going back over a 20 year friendship, is utterly self centred. I rarely hear from her unless she has something go wrong. Then it's multiple WhatsApp voice messages and texts a day...it can be very draining.

I've tried asking for support at various stages in the 20 years but she goes low contact when she knows I'm in a bad way. It's hurtful but I no longer ask now and I've stepped back from providing any support for her.

One example, she phoned me, the morning a very close relative died, knew the relative and knew that she was ill and in hospital. Just a random call to have a chat. I told her what happened and she then started telling me about an argument she'd had with her bfriend (of 2 months) and was crying over how he treated her. 😳 I mean, wtf?! Read the room luv!! 🤣

MaryBeardsShoes · 26/02/2026 07:12

At first I thought she sounded like a poor friend but then I thought she could be me. My best friend has always needed a lot of support and I’ve been glad to do it but recently I’ve had a lot of stuff going on and I can barely support myself. So I’ve pulled back. I am trying to get well and she is a real obstacle to that. Much as I care for her, I am sad that the support isn’t mutual.

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 26/02/2026 07:19

MyCosyHare · 25/02/2026 22:21

I did wonder that at one point. But I’d been pretty open about needing support, which is why it hit harder when she pulled back. I suppose I’m just trying to figure out whether I can move past that.

Shes not there for you when you ask for help. She'll have her reasons

If she's not who you need in your life atm, just quietly pull back and stop contacting her

ilovemysofa · 26/02/2026 07:20

Notmymarmosets · 25/02/2026 22:07

It's no one's job support us in a way we see fit. Your friend gave as much as she was able or wanted. That's it. If it's changed your relationship that's fine. Move on.

Thats all fine until the friend who hasn't been there for you expects support from YOU when they are going through a rough time which is what usually happens in these cases. Then it means the friendship is only ever one way- you constantly supporting them and them giving nothing back. Thats not friendship, thats being used and it's parasitic.

Friendship should be mainly reciprocal otherwise its not a friendship.

coolcahuna · 26/02/2026 07:21

I couldn't move past it when it happened to me, too much had happened. Also there was no real apology or ownership taken which could have made a difference to how I felt.

FatCatPyjamas · 26/02/2026 07:31

There's a lot of assuming going on inthis thread.

Yes, she may have just been a rubbish friend who failed you, OP. Or something could have been going on in her life that she found difficult and she didn't have capacity for anything else.

I had a good friend cut me off last year. She was going through a terrible time with her MH and physical health, and I'd been a supportive friend for a long time. I didn't contact her for 3 weeks in July. She didn't contact me, either. When I got back in touch she left me on read. This happened every week, then every fortnight, then I stopped trying. I'm pretty sure it's because she was upset for me not being in touch those 3 weeks, although she could have messaged herself.

What she doesn't know is that the reason for me going quiet is that my dad, when in hospital on morphine, wanted to talk about things from my childhood. There was physical, emotional, and sexual abuse in my childhood, and as much as I've dealt with it through therapy and am generally pretty stable and happy, very occasionally, something comes out of nowhere and it all comes back and I've got to work through some very complicated thoughts and feelings. When that happens I withdraw from people until I'm more settled. I'd have been able to explain this to her if she'd just engaged with me.

TheBlueKoala · 26/02/2026 07:47

A definition of a friend is surely to be there for the good and the bad times? Otherwise it's an aquaintance.

But it also depends on other factors: @MyCosyHare

  • have you often sollicited her for emotional support in the past without giving back (used her as a therapist)?
  • do you know if she's having mh problems/going through something difficult atm which makes it hard for her to be there for someone else?
  • what kind of relationship do you have? Is it a close one where you usually lean on one and other or us it meetups for fun times?
ycmtsu · 26/02/2026 07:47

FatCatPyjamas · 26/02/2026 07:31

There's a lot of assuming going on inthis thread.

Yes, she may have just been a rubbish friend who failed you, OP. Or something could have been going on in her life that she found difficult and she didn't have capacity for anything else.

I had a good friend cut me off last year. She was going through a terrible time with her MH and physical health, and I'd been a supportive friend for a long time. I didn't contact her for 3 weeks in July. She didn't contact me, either. When I got back in touch she left me on read. This happened every week, then every fortnight, then I stopped trying. I'm pretty sure it's because she was upset for me not being in touch those 3 weeks, although she could have messaged herself.

What she doesn't know is that the reason for me going quiet is that my dad, when in hospital on morphine, wanted to talk about things from my childhood. There was physical, emotional, and sexual abuse in my childhood, and as much as I've dealt with it through therapy and am generally pretty stable and happy, very occasionally, something comes out of nowhere and it all comes back and I've got to work through some very complicated thoughts and feelings. When that happens I withdraw from people until I'm more settled. I'd have been able to explain this to her if she'd just engaged with me.

Even when going through very dark stuff, I've texted something like, "Hey x, sorry to hear you're having a hard time at the moment. I'd love to offer support but I'm not in a position to do that right now. I wish you the best for now and will be in touch when things are more settled at my end. Love, ycmtsu. x"

There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries on support or not being available, but to just go silent and ignore someone having a hard time, that's a bit mean really.

FatCatPyjamas · 26/02/2026 07:52

ycmtsu · 26/02/2026 07:47

Even when going through very dark stuff, I've texted something like, "Hey x, sorry to hear you're having a hard time at the moment. I'd love to offer support but I'm not in a position to do that right now. I wish you the best for now and will be in touch when things are more settled at my end. Love, ycmtsu. x"

There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries on support or not being available, but to just go silent and ignore someone having a hard time, that's a bit mean really.

True, I could have done that, but in the trauma state I was in I didn't think to. I didn't ignore her as she didn't contact me at all. I would have replied if she had, and assumed if she needed me she'd reach out. Communication works two ways.

ycmtsu · 26/02/2026 07:55

FatCatPyjamas · 26/02/2026 07:52

True, I could have done that, but in the trauma state I was in I didn't think to. I didn't ignore her as she didn't contact me at all. I would have replied if she had, and assumed if she needed me she'd reach out. Communication works two ways.

But that's the whole point - you didn't think to. That's what shows a lack of caring. If she knew you were having a hard time, which it doesn't sound like she did, that is also uncaring of her.

I totally get if someone falls into a mental health crisis and is incapacited, psychotic, sectioned or in a coma, sure. Explain that after the fact. Having a hard time and needing to withdraw, just let the person know you need your space. Then they know you're not ignoring them and uncaring.

I mean, you know if you were incapacitated to that degree and it's your business and frienship but, on the whole, I would never withdraw without a word so as not to add to their pain.

berlinbaby2025 · 26/02/2026 07:58

I haven’t read the whole thread but at least one person has advised you to ghost that friend - this is unhealthy because you haven’t told your friend how you feel so don’t overthink it, talk to your friend.

TinyHousemouse · 26/02/2026 07:59

ZaraBlue · 26/02/2026 05:00

I’m so sorry you went through this. Please can you share how you moved past it and carried on the friendship? I am inspired and curious

Both of the friends were childhood friends who I share a lot of memories with, and I guess I just didn’t want to lose them entirely. Other friends I’d had through a hobby really surprised me - one used to leave me little presents at the hospital to make me smile when I’d go in for chemo, another would drop off food, I did have friends looking after me but these two, who were my longest and supposedly closest friends, didn’t.

When I was better, I met up with both of them (separately) and told them how I felt. One had her own stuff going on that I didn’t know about and she didn’t feel she could tell me because I had enough of my own shit going on, the other initially reacted with anger of all things but really she was just scared. We were all in our late 30s, none of us had had to face our own mortality until that point. Also two years later she disclosed that her (now ex but not at the time I was ill) DH had been violent and had forced her to terminate a much wanted pregnancy. No wonder she couldn’t be around me, with my new baby and a DH who loves us both very much.

So I reflected on it and decided that my life wouldn’t be any better without them in it, it would be sadder, and I just forgave them. It wasn’t that they didn’t care, they just couldn’t do any more than they did. I’d never have known that if I’d just cut them off.

GoGoSuperBug · 26/02/2026 08:01

I have a friend who really struggles at times with mental health and it can be a lot to try and support her, to the extent that it can affect the mental health of those around her. Some of her friends have previously had to say that they can’t offer the level of support she needs.

I am the opposite end of the scale and when I am struggling I keep it all in. All it would take is our bad times to coincide and she would probably think I am a rubbish friend and not realise that I have my own stuff going on.

So basically not enough to go on in your post OP, talk to your friend and see if you can sort it out, if you value their friends usually.

Beachtastic · 26/02/2026 08:05

How old are you both? I got better with practice at dealing with other people's trauma. In my teens, I was useless/avoidant. In my 20s and 30s, not much better. Now that I'm ancient, I'm reasonably confident of knowing what to say/do, but only because I have a much clearer idea of what's needed. Life and all it throws at us is a bit of a learning curve.

OblongPyjamas · 26/02/2026 08:06

It depends on the situation, for me. Did you reach out for help or it was something truly obvious that you needed it, and they didn’t provide it? Or did they just not proactively offer anything and it’s plausible they didn’t think you needed any help? Do you know her circumstances well enough to know there wasn’t another reason she couldn’t support you?

One of my closest friends had a baby late last year and I feel bad that I haven’t been around to support her. We don’t live nearby so I can’t literally help her, but I’ve not been in touch to chat/support emotionally as much as I should. But in that time, I’ve had a cancer scare, ongoing medical issues and a serious house emergency. Plus all the usual work, child, Christmas chaos. I haven’t told her about any of my big issues due to not wanting to add to her plate, but the other side of the coin is that she might think I’ve been unsupportive for no reason.

scobe · 26/02/2026 08:07

I don’t accept that someone else’s mental load is good enough reason for them to not at least acknowledge another’s hard times. It hurts and makes a shitty friend. That said I do not agree with the mentality on here of ditching friends for any perceived slight. No relationships are perfect, and often see MN’rs holding friends to higher standards than their own husbands! If you value her, like or love her in other ways then see the good and recognise the failings. There are frequent ‘I have no friends’ posts on here - don’t cut people off because they don’t tick every box. Of course if she has no other redeeming qualities then it makes sense to let her go, and I’m not suggesting we allow ourselves to be treated like shit for the sake of having friends!

FatCatPyjamas · 26/02/2026 08:10

ycmtsu · 26/02/2026 07:55

But that's the whole point - you didn't think to. That's what shows a lack of caring. If she knew you were having a hard time, which it doesn't sound like she did, that is also uncaring of her.

I totally get if someone falls into a mental health crisis and is incapacited, psychotic, sectioned or in a coma, sure. Explain that after the fact. Having a hard time and needing to withdraw, just let the person know you need your space. Then they know you're not ignoring them and uncaring.

I mean, you know if you were incapacitated to that degree and it's your business and frienship but, on the whole, I would never withdraw without a word so as not to add to their pain.

Edited

Your applying retrospective moral clarity to a trauma state. It wasn't simply a case of having a "hard time". I'm not sure if you've ever experienced trauma flashbacks, but it's not fun, and I certainly wasn't able to function at the capacity you're expecting.

I know she was having a hard time, so I don’t begrudge her lack of messaging in those 3 weeks. Yes, in an ideal, regulated, resourced world it's respectful and caring to give someone a heads up, and that's what I do when I have capacity. If someone doesn't do that, I assume it's because they're really struggling.

Applesonthelawn · 26/02/2026 08:21

People have different expectations of friends, and categorise friends (subconsciously!) into ones who will be there when a lot of giving is needed, and ones who won't. I wouldn't blame her for falling into the latter category - I'd just know that in future, those are the terms of the friendship.

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