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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

school say my son has to be in after his accident

415 replies

healingqueen · 25/02/2026 13:26

I've NCed as this will be outing along with my recent posts.

My ds is 12 and in y8, last week was half term and he went out on his scooter as he does. NO helmet (dont judge I wasn't there - dad didnt make him wear one)

he ended up falling off his scooter at the skate park, someone called an ambulance and hes fractured his wrist and there was a lot of blood as he lost his front teeth, they sort of broke and his bottom ones went into his lip, im not sure if I'm explaining correctly.

there wasnt a lot they could do there and then apart from clean him up and take what was left of the teeth out to prevent infection? im not sure. hes going to have an appointment at a later date to see what they can do for the missing teeth as of course they're his adult ones

It's could've been so much worse and he knows he shouldve been wearing a helmet and I think this will have put him off the scooter anyway. I told him many times about wearing a helmet but if course he didn't listen

anyway hes still got a lot of bruising on his face, school know but has been refusing to go this week. they say this will go about as unauthorised absence and im worried about fines as hes already had days off this year

they say he needs to be in as hes well in himself bar the fractured wrist but he still needs to be in he’d sit out during PE. He is in pain with his wrist and we have a fracture clinic app on Friday to see if that needs surgery too

AIBU to think the school are bu here? hes refusing to go out full stop not just school

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
MollyButton · 26/02/2026 09:58

You also don’t need a note from the Doctor but having evidence of medical appointments (ask for a written reminder of the appointment from the receptionist and keep it). Maybe keep a written diary of how he’s doing and what he’s saying/feeling. This is all evidence.
Also don’t let them bully you with the Attendance Officer - these can be surprisingly human to parents who are “trying” to get their children in.

Often schools (especially those already struggling) can become bogged down in attendance numbers and lose sight of the individuals. (I have sat through a meeting where we were told to still send our children in for stage 2 SATs if actively vomiting).

BlackeyedSusan · 26/02/2026 10:03

MollyButton · 25/02/2026 15:07

Sorry as a mother of school refusers: How do you get a 13 year old into school if they utterly refuse. I have cajoled children into school, but if you have a child who absolutely refuses at this age there is a point at which you can do nothing. (You can no longer pick them up and make them.)

OP I’d be trying to see a doctor and seeing if they can persuade them or are willing to “sign them off on mental health grounds”.

11 was the last time I could pick them up and carry them. After that, too heavy and if they had wanted to resist they could pick me up instead!

Clearly some people haven't had hardened school refusers.

You use persuasion as best as you can, you work with school as much as you can but that doesn't guarantee that they go to school. EBSA just doesn't work like that.

cestlavielife · 26/02/2026 10:17

the Attendance Officer -as mentioned each LEA has to have a named officer for kids missing school forhealth reasons.
This kicks in after 15 days missed. Ask to speak to them . They can liaise with school and child and parents

VickyEadieofThigh · 26/02/2026 10:31

Mtlso · 25/02/2026 20:45

Money!

Please explain what you think is the connection between academies, attendance and money. I'm the chair of governors at an academy trust school, for reference.

rainbowstardrops · 26/02/2026 10:33

Oh the poor kid! I would keep him off for a bit too. What’s he going to achieve being at school when he’s dog tired, in pain and probably self conscious of his face right now? He’s not going to learn much!
I’d probably get him checked over again though if he’s really sleepy, especially as he had concussion. It’s probably because he’s not sleeping well but I’d rather be safe than sorry to be honest.

MyOpalCat · 26/02/2026 11:27

i doubt I would get him into the gp tomorrow same day as it's not an emergency to them and he's seeing the fracture clinic friday which im stressing about getting him there and also what to do about my 2yo as appt is 10:40 and nursery finishes at 11:45 so im inclined not to send in case the appt is delayed or runs over but keeping a 2yo entertained whilst trying to listen to a doctor and focus on ds sounds stressful, this whole week including half term has been a nightmare

You sound very worn down - try and make sure your getting enough sleep as well and pull in any help from Dad or wider family/friends if you possibly can.

I'd still get someone to ring GP and argue for appointment - mention the head injury and mild concussion and the sleep and pain relief not cutting it. Then when there ask about letters for pushy school and say money is tight would it cost us. Then you'd know where you stand. Though as others have said I'd also use fracture clinic appointment.

If you really can't afford private dentist - I'd still ring round local practises and ask if given the circustances they'd take DS on as NHS. There often local lists of which are taking on NHS - which do tend to be out of date but worth asking.

I'd also try ringing hosital dental department and ask how long a wait to be seen for him will be. It will at least give you a time frame to work to.

I agree rather than worry about being lat to nursury pick up - if there no option to have someone else pick up or book in longer - then yes I'd take two year old to appointment. I had to take three under 4 to hopsital appointments - no choice - it's never great or my first choice- but I'd try and get then to run off some energy easier for me as as we don't drive so long walk via parks coudl be sorted - take lots of distractions toys. books - magazines and snacks and drinks - they were really good in the end even after very long waits and sat still while I spoke to HCP.

School you need to push back and personally I found it easier with e-mail than phone as they can't interrupt and harder to minimise. List why he's not back and won't be - all the medical issues and implications - and ask for a plan/risk assesment to help get him back safely on a timetable that suits DS.

BlackeyedSusan · 26/02/2026 11:58

stayawayfromthattrapdoor · 25/02/2026 15:39

That’s a fairly blunt bit of data.

Obviously at some level there’s a relationship between attendance and performance but it doesn’t necessarily follow that for any given child every additional day in school will result in better performance (or that missing a few days will make it worse).

I think this is a general problem in education that the focus is on driving up attendance without looking at the factors underlying poor attendance.

If he's in pain he's not going to be learning much anyway.

Given that he is still in pain, I would go and see GP for advice about pain management. Get the receptionist to give you an appointment card.

NimbleHiker · 26/02/2026 12:28

MrsPickle123 · 25/02/2026 21:17

I honestly cannot understand this country’s obsession with attendance (i live in the UK but was raised in another European country). My parents would never send me ill, we would go on holidays during school term and I even remember not going to school for a day or two because I got a new book that I really wanted to read. Guess what, I ended up with two degrees and a professional qualification.

Don’t worry OP, people on this thread who say ‘oh he’s fine, he should go to school’ are absolutely mental and I feel really sorry for their children. The kid is 12 and he’s missing FOUR front teeth ffs. It hasn’t even been 2 weeks, let him recover, there’s zero chance I’d be showing up at work without my front teeth.

It’s not the first thread where the attendance police would be sending a child without an arm to school. ‘There’s absolutely no reason for him not to’. Bonkers.

This. I bet that the attendance police would be sending their kids to school with all their limbs hanging off.

HarshbutTrue2 · 26/02/2026 13:12

Frequency · 25/02/2026 21:27

Did she also have a concussion, facial trauma, and no front teeth? I imagine these things are causing OP's son more pain and distress than his wrist.

No. But I once worked with someone, actually 2 people, who lost front crowns. They carried on coming to work with a gap in their front teeth for a week or more whilst they got the new crown ordered. It's not a quick process. We were all amazed because until their teeth fell out, we didn't know they had crowns. One lost his crown whilst talking to a group of us - it simply shot out and across the room.
Depending on his friendship group - losing front teeth could be a macho sign. (Now all the haters will say that teenage boys shouldn't be macho. Boys just can't win) Or, he may be teased.
I didn't realise that he had concussion. If so, he should not return for however many days. OP should contact the attendance officer herself. Beat the school to it. Explain the situation, I'm sure they will be understanding.
The worst mothers for sending their kids to school when they are ill? Nurses!
They see so much suffering at work that they have a different attitude. (Now all the nurses will come on and call me a liar. Maybe I should preface it with 'in my experience')

CornishPorsche · 26/02/2026 13:25

@HarshbutTrue2 losing crowns is nothing akin to losing teeth due to a traumatic facial injury. Not remotely comparable.

DuchessDandelion · 26/02/2026 13:44

Ah poor lad, even a mild concussion will be making him feel wretched.

I think many posters here and the school have really underestimated the impact of the injuries he's sustained - they don't have to be more serious to warrant him feeling like shit and needing longer to recover from the initial shock. A concussion will exacerbate that.

@healingqueen make sure the school knows he sustained a concussion and isn't fit to return just yet. Remind them that a concussion is brain injury.

Ormally · 26/02/2026 14:24

From a PP (not trying to nitpick, but typing this post from a point of view where I thought these things would be easier than they have been, 2-3 months on from the health issue that affected my DC's performance).

Im not someone who believes that children should have 100% attendance but these things are only solved when the school and parents work together. The school can put steps in place to make the transition easier.

They can, but you would think that in the case of concussion and injuries that are still under a hospital clinic, this should be the bare minimum that needs thinking through, and instead the HOY has said nothing and the receptionist refuses to log injury absence when they've decided 'unauthorised'. So it doesn't look as if they will pay great attention to constructing a managed plan to support the student without real care, that the parent and medics need to ensure is put in very soon.

He doesn’t need to wear uniform, he can have a reduced timetable to avoid busy bus routes, he can take lessons in a smaller room or leave lessons a few mins early to avoid the corridor, have a ‘buddy’ to carry his bag.

The GP advice and extracts from my DD's medical records (from a while ago) showed some clear needs that could be implemented. I requested this of school on email initially. It's taken 3.5 weeks of January and a lot of chasing to actually have these points passed on reliably for action in classes. One of the recommended adjustments has also not been granted, although the rest are, so in the spirit of compromise and keeping communications open, I am currently seeing how it will go. So don't assume that all the above will be waived through even if they look as if they couldn't be more sensible for your DC and their physical condition, to you.

But it sound more like OP and school are at loggerheads and instead of working together to find a way to get him there safely and confidently.

There are 2 sides to every story, but the school seem to be the side that began to be obstructive and throwing their weight around.

OP, bear in mind that this may not be the last of the absences that you will see this year (possibly connected to this accident) - they sound already to have decided you are exceeding a norm, even though proper healing and being on board with a well managed return to school is something worth standing your ground on, because it may have worse consequences if rushed and done under duress. When nothing was happening between mid Dec and mid Jan for us, this really did ramp up anxiety and paranoia in my DC more. You can manage some levels of it at home, but if they feel nothing is happening despite a lot of effort to pass on needs as they change, then that fear was at levels I was out of my depth with, and it could have been contained with more help.

To be able to have all of this documented - definitely physical fitness and possible effect on work for a while - in case of needing help from others (GP, clinic, dental people...), you need to explore a health plan and, at least, adjustments in school to start immediately, not in 2/3 weeks, to help get back to a workable place.

healingqueen · 26/02/2026 16:18

im just concerned he doesnt want to go out at all not even to nursery pick up which is mid morning so not likely to see many people we also are in the car for the most part ive also told him he could wait in the car he wouldnt have to walk into the school with me as it is his a nursery attached to his old primary school so i could imagine him not wanting to see anyone that knew him though I doubt we would anyway

he has been a bit better pain wise today but ive been rotating calpol and nurofen but the bruising etc is still the same it seems to be coming out more if anything

while he isnt a fan of school he doesnt hate it and his attendance isn't poor as pp said maybe to you it is but he's had 4 days off sick plus 4 days this week. he went back the first day of year 8 but then had the next 2 days (thurs + friday) off due to a sickness bug which the school werent pleased about and im sure they thought i was lying and his hoy asked dd on the friday if he was ok which couldve been out of concern but it felt like they were trying to catch us out but i could be paranoid

he then had 2 days in december off so its not like this days off are frequent

i phoned school again today and someone called (i think the assistant head of year) and said they no longer give 5 minutes early passes during lesson time but can before the end of the day but im not sure the end of the day pass would do much as he would still be catching the same bus

OP posts:
Frequency · 26/02/2026 17:05

You need to stop pandering to the school.

Do you think he is well enough to be in school? This is the most important issue.

If you don't think he is, stop talking to the school about school refusal or early passes and tell them he is not well enough and will not be in until he is well enough.

If they threaten to put it down as unauthorised, ask them what their reasoning is, provide them by email, any medical proof you have (photos/appointment cards, etc.), and if it still goes down as unauthorised, ask by email what the complaints process is. Keep taking it higher until you get the result you need.

They cannot put down injury or illness as unauthorised unless theyhave a solid reason to believe it is not genuine.

https://notfineinschool.co.uk/home/f/is-medical-evidence-required-to-authorise-every-school-absence

IS MEDICAL EVIDENCE REQUIRED TO AUTHORISE EVERY SCHOOL ABSENCE?

The Department for Education (DfE) have produced new guidance called 'Working together to improve school attendance: Guidance for maintained schools, academies, independent schools, and local authorities' (Published May...

https://notfineinschool.co.uk/home/f/is-medical-evidence-required-to-authorise-every-school-absence

Ormally · 26/02/2026 17:08

I don't mean to be making more of attendance and time off than the state of your DS's health and current suitability for school - based on the posts I'd say that he does need some more time to recover, pain relief to be able to meet the demands of the injuries, and advice from the investigations on Friday, before sorting out the plan of a return with some help for him. But school seems to be lasering in on absence days and much less on the timing of him being in a sufficient state to be able to sustain attendance without becoming worse.

It sounds as if you are most worried that a) he does not seem to want to leave the house or go in a car; b) that he isn't sleeping because of pain and is having trouble eating; and c) that he couldn't easily use a bus until physically up to it (wrist especially would be at risk).

Impressions on this are: for a) - not surprising, and suggests pain and post-concussion still need to improve more with rest right now. b) - this should improve, and the medics should advise you on the pain front, but the school needs to know of their advice and plan based on some of the difficulties he would face when in school, but c) - is perhaps a bigger problem and it doesn't look like the 5 minute adjustment suggested would be a help in the early stages. If there is a way of planning to drive him, or arranging a lift, at least when his wrist is more stabilised, this may get him more used to managing the other things that won't be as easy in school as before the injuries, but perhaps easier to adapt to than the bus.

SecretSquid · 26/02/2026 17:24

Stop panicking and trying to get the school to agree to 5 minutes here and there. TELL them he is not well enough. A pp has already advised you to write an email if you can't stand up to them on the phone.

andweallsingalong · 26/02/2026 17:41

What does the GP say?

If he's saying the Calpol isn't strong enough maybe he needs better meds and to be off school until his pain is under control and his sleep is more normal. Sounds like he needs a GP sick note for a couple of weeks. If school won't send work maybe get him on bitesize or something. Probably better for him to know he's definitely off for X days than to have the daily discussion.

User1367349 · 26/02/2026 18:24

Frequency · 26/02/2026 17:05

You need to stop pandering to the school.

Do you think he is well enough to be in school? This is the most important issue.

If you don't think he is, stop talking to the school about school refusal or early passes and tell them he is not well enough and will not be in until he is well enough.

If they threaten to put it down as unauthorised, ask them what their reasoning is, provide them by email, any medical proof you have (photos/appointment cards, etc.), and if it still goes down as unauthorised, ask by email what the complaints process is. Keep taking it higher until you get the result you need.

They cannot put down injury or illness as unauthorised unless theyhave a solid reason to believe it is not genuine.

https://notfineinschool.co.uk/home/f/is-medical-evidence-required-to-authorise-every-school-absence

I agree with every word of this! Why are you accepting this bullying behaviour @healingqueen? Your poor child is in need of nurofen and calpol to control the pain, they are not fit to be in school.

blueskyandrainbows · 26/02/2026 18:28

Totally agree OP, just tell the school he’s not well and he’s not coming in, you are his mother and have every right to decide whether he attends school or not.
The fall that has damaged his teeth will more than likely have a big effect on him mentally at that age, it’s such a shame that our dental services are in such as state as I imagine that alone is depressing for him.

healingqueen · 26/02/2026 20:02

last week the hospital didnt mention anything about school they just said keep an eye on him i will ask tomorrow though at the fracture clinic

i have said he wont be in tomorrow and ill get a letter from the hospital tomorrow as the appointment was booked over a phone call, today they did mention me taking him for a quick chat at the school after his appointment but i don't know if I can due to having the 2yo as my ex works so cant do childcare and he isnt involved in the dc’s lives that much tbh as in he doesnt see them often he only did last week as i was very unwell with a kidney infection and was in hospital and the nursery only does morning sessions for 2yos so i cant extend unfortunately (i did ask earlier but they said no)

OP posts:
Pinkladyapplepie · 26/02/2026 20:08

JemimaTiggywinkles · 25/02/2026 23:07

You worked in a school office and don’t think they have risk assessments to hand which cover children with broken bones and needing pain relief?! I call bullshit. Kids with broken bones are completely normal in secondary schools. Not one in every class, but two or three at any one time in the average comp.

I didn't say they would not have a policy, for either risk or medication, I said it would shut them up for a couple of days, meaning it will take a while for them to get a reply out.
I have worked in a few school offices actually( as I was a supply teacher and due to my other experience and qualifications I was often asked to do this cover).
So I am well versed in school admin and teaching. Thanks

HarshbutTrue2 · 26/02/2026 20:17

Take the 2yo to the school appointment. Let them crawl on the floor, get sticky fingers on the paperwork, cry, hopefully fill their nappy.
Do not make things easy for the school. They need to see that your life isn't easy. They need to make life easier for you.
I still think you should skip the school and go above their heads

OneShyQuail · 27/02/2026 08:15

healingqueen · 26/02/2026 20:02

last week the hospital didnt mention anything about school they just said keep an eye on him i will ask tomorrow though at the fracture clinic

i have said he wont be in tomorrow and ill get a letter from the hospital tomorrow as the appointment was booked over a phone call, today they did mention me taking him for a quick chat at the school after his appointment but i don't know if I can due to having the 2yo as my ex works so cant do childcare and he isnt involved in the dc’s lives that much tbh as in he doesnt see them often he only did last week as i was very unwell with a kidney infection and was in hospital and the nursery only does morning sessions for 2yos so i cant extend unfortunately (i did ask earlier but they said no)

You need to be seen to be trying tho. Your son needs to see that you are working with the school and the school need to see this as well. Take the younger child with you??
I did this with my two, if my eldest had to be somewhere her sister came too. Its a toddler not a bomb.

If you feel he isnt well enough for school he needs medical professionals to say so.
School will get off your back for a bit then and you can ask for work.

People jumping on the schools back, they are only following government mandates and every day lost means he is missing vital information...he will need catching up....

OP have you got him some year 8 workbooks so he can keep his hand in his work?

The longer he is off the more overwhelmed he is going to feel with what he has missed.

What was his attendance figure at the end of y7? Was it low? Something seems off that they are chasing so bad....my eldest has excellent attendance so if she does indeed need a few days off no one from the school.is hounding me and I certainly dont feel paranoid like they are trying to "catch me out"

healingqueen · 27/02/2026 09:59

OneShyQuail · 27/02/2026 08:15

You need to be seen to be trying tho. Your son needs to see that you are working with the school and the school need to see this as well. Take the younger child with you??
I did this with my two, if my eldest had to be somewhere her sister came too. Its a toddler not a bomb.

If you feel he isnt well enough for school he needs medical professionals to say so.
School will get off your back for a bit then and you can ask for work.

People jumping on the schools back, they are only following government mandates and every day lost means he is missing vital information...he will need catching up....

OP have you got him some year 8 workbooks so he can keep his hand in his work?

The longer he is off the more overwhelmed he is going to feel with what he has missed.

What was his attendance figure at the end of y7? Was it low? Something seems off that they are chasing so bad....my eldest has excellent attendance so if she does indeed need a few days off no one from the school.is hounding me and I certainly dont feel paranoid like they are trying to "catch me out"

i havent gotten him any year 8 work books do do i don't know what is best to get and it is a bit £££ if hes only been off this week as he wont use them when hes back in school as he has enough homework to do

i don't remember his exact year 7 attendance figure but i think he had about 5 days off spread through the year due to sickness (inc 1 day they sent him home themselves)

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 27/02/2026 10:00

@healingqueen there are free online education resources