DM laughed in my face at return to work/nursery transition

[Motherscanbefuppers]

Like many first time mums, I’ve found the transition back to work/DD starting nursery/constant bugs/sickness quite difficult. Started in January so 7 weeks in now and not getting any easier. We live 4 hours from DM and extended family - previously would visit once a month but haven’t made it up yet due to work/nursery transition etc. They keep saying how much they miss DD so travelled down tonight to see them.

First thing DM says to me (after arriving at 10pm) was “so you’ve had a rough few weeks since we last saw you eh?” WHILST LAUGHING. I replied, “yes, it’s been very tough with sickness etc, I’m not sure why you are laughing?”. DM then says “oh you thought you had it so easy with a baby (DD slept well etc), but now your trenches have come HAHAHAHA”.

Again, I replied “I never revelled in any woman going through the trenches, I don’t know why you are revelling in my misery now”.

For context, we have ZERO help on a day to day basis (until nursery last month), DH and I can never get even an hour to ourselves to have an adult conversation (which is fine, we chose to have DD who we love to bits) BUT my DM looks after my siblings’ children full time and whenever they want to go for dinner/nights out/weekends away. Obviously, they live closer but there’s nothing stopping DM visiting me (she will if there is a concert on where she can stay with me for free) but she has never done so since DD was born 15 months ago.

She expects me to bring DD to see her then laughs in my face when I walk through the door?! AIBU?

YABU - your DM is entitled to find your hardship a source of amusement

YANBU - your DM is a disgrace

Something doesn’t have to be unusual to be difficult or upsetting or hard. To want your own mum to be kind and not cruel during such a time is a basic human desire. Your response to this is as strange as OPs mums…

Again nothing I could get worked up about

Maybe the OP had been smug!

Travelling 4 hours after work, arriving after 10pm was never going to get off to a smooth start.

See I am kind of between the two here. I think the OPs mum was just being a bit awkward. I think the OP is overreacting but it is so hard adjusting to being back at work and coinciding with a period of poor sleep and / or illness is tough. And if anyone here has never overreacted or been a bit ‘dramatic l’ (and that’s such an unkind word to use - it isn’t necessary) when exhausted then stand up, but I have and I’ll admit it!

Or maybe she hasn’t?

Why assume she has been? Why do people assume that OP had to do something? She drove hours to bring her daughter to see her mum and yet she shouldn’t be annoyed about the reception she received doing so?

Also, where did OP say she was worked up over it?

That isn’t even what she asked.

Why not expect your own mum to be happy to see you and say “ I know it’s hard, it gets better, etc?”

My Mum is like this too. She seems to really enjoy me finding things hard and when/ if I ask for help she wonders why. She laughed when I said my husband had to go part-time to care for me as if I was joking and said 'well do you really need care?' as if she has completely missed the last few years as my disability has progressed to a point where I can't work. I bet she'd howl with laughter if I told her I have a council appointed carer now. This is precisely why I have gone low contact, I tell her little of my struggles and yet expects me to visit her.

@Motherscanbefuppers - I remember off-loading to my mum when we were having real difficulties with teenage ds3, and her reply was “Well - you had it easy with ds1 and ds2 so maybe this is your comeuppance!” - so you have my sympathy.

Are you in the same AmDram group?

So rude. The first sentence could have been read that the mum actually drove down not the other way round, I missed the second detail at the end which made it clearer but I also posted at 4am whilst resettling a baby. Even if the detail of whether Op was at her mums or her mum was at OP’s was muddled the sentiment of my post still stands and makes sense - she should get in her own car and leave herself. It’s not like I was asking a question about something that’s clearly answered in the first two lines, like many replies do. Do you feel better for that little dig? Jog on.

@MrsSlocombesCat I’ve gone back and reread the OP and not only does it suggest that her mum drove down after months of not seeing the OP, the syntax also suggests that it was the mum who arrived at 10pm, not the OP.

💐

She laughed at you? That's bitchy.

Assuming she has functional limbs, why didn't she (they if your dad has stuck around) come to you??

Don't bother again. If she sees you and your family (your DH and baby) as entertainment buy her some cinema tickets. You can plan a lovely quiet christmas - maybe with your in-laws?

Someone else can choose her care home.

Oh, and she can book hotels from now on as well.
You don't run a B&B.

That generation love when parenting is hard for people. It'll never be as hard as they had it though 🙄🙄

Thanks Golden 😘 I really should have, but was quite fragile at the time with PND, and a lack of sleep, and wasn't thinking straight. Horrible woman she was. Imagine thinking it's OK to speak to someone like that!

Why the hell would your own mum be jealous that her daughter had an easy time with her newborn. I prayyy that my daughter has an easier newborn ride than I had with her. Ridiculous.

And some people just love to tell people they are being 'dramatic' more than others!

Did you even read the OP's first post properly? The mother was HORRIBLE to her. The OP is already struggling with a young baby. Have some compassion!

In my mother's generation nobody's kids ever misbehaved, they were all geniuses and had impeccable manners.
No adults ever suffered from stress, depression or MH issues.

My mother's favourite quote - "Depression. What's shd got to be depressed about?"

Yes she was a real charmer.

Well good for YOU for 'not getting worked up about it.' Doesn't mean others are not allowed to!

Seriously, have a word with yourself!

Exactly. She will disguise it as a joke, tell her daughter she's overreacting etc. But if you enjoy seeing your own child suffering then theres something wrong with you. No ifs or buts. There's so many mums like this, and clearly a few here in the comments!

Well if your Mum is hands on and helps, why don't you just move closer to her? Sounds like your Mum has her hands full too though tbh. You do only have one baby, it's not that hard even on your own (I've got twins, that is bloody hard work on your own, one was an absolute picnic and my down time)
Not worth falling out over.

I find that this is really common, but really unpleasant - the urge of some women (and for this one it always is women) to take great pleasure in either the current struggles of, or in predicting the future arrival of troubles to, pregnant women or mothers of very young children. The 'just you wait' thing. As others have said, I do think it comes from a sense that they weren't supported so no one else should be. It coming from your mother is a different level of horrible, though. If this was out of character (and it sounds like it was from the OP) I would sit her down and say how much it upset you.

Sorry, are you trying to give us all an example of what an unsympathetic and unkind person looks like? I don't think we need a live demonstration!

Well, they say you never appreciate your mother until you become a mother yourself. How were you as a baby/child?
A friend’s son (30s), now expecting his own second son, was moaning about how hard it was when his two year old wouldn’t listen or go to bed. Yes, he even said ‘you don’t know what it’s like….)!!!! Her eyes rolled back so far back in her head they went into orbit.
Your mother may be (rather meanly) taking some satisfaction that you can now understand what it was like when she was raising YOU.

Some of us also realise when we become mothers just how shite our own mothers were with us.

Do you really think it's ok to hold a grudge against a small child for being.... a child.....for 3-4 decades? 😀 goodness me.

I honestly can't imagine why that would bother the mum. It's been at least 28 years since she had a two year old, why is she still so hung up on it!

When I had babies myself I did sometimes used to feel irrationally jealous or resentful of people whose babies were easier in some way (usually that they slept, which mine didn't). I am very much over it now mine are young primary age, and have nothing but sympathy for women who are still in the 'trenches' stage. I feel pleased for them if they're finding it easier than I did, and feel an urge to comfort them that this too will pass if they're finding it as hard as I did - there's no pleasure for me in their misfortune. I do not think my kids deserve any 'comeuppance' for being tricky babies. I'd think myself pretty pathetic if I felt any other way about it now, let alone if I still felt like that after 20 more years!

@MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned Absolutely 100%