DM laughed in my face at return to work/nursery transition

[Motherscanbefuppers]

Like many first time mums, I’ve found the transition back to work/DD starting nursery/constant bugs/sickness quite difficult. Started in January so 7 weeks in now and not getting any easier. We live 4 hours from DM and extended family - previously would visit once a month but haven’t made it up yet due to work/nursery transition etc. They keep saying how much they miss DD so travelled down tonight to see them.

First thing DM says to me (after arriving at 10pm) was “so you’ve had a rough few weeks since we last saw you eh?” WHILST LAUGHING. I replied, “yes, it’s been very tough with sickness etc, I’m not sure why you are laughing?”. DM then says “oh you thought you had it so easy with a baby (DD slept well etc), but now your trenches have come HAHAHAHA”.

Again, I replied “I never revelled in any woman going through the trenches, I don’t know why you are revelling in my misery now”.

For context, we have ZERO help on a day to day basis (until nursery last month), DH and I can never get even an hour to ourselves to have an adult conversation (which is fine, we chose to have DD who we love to bits) BUT my DM looks after my siblings’ children full time and whenever they want to go for dinner/nights out/weekends away. Obviously, they live closer but there’s nothing stopping DM visiting me (she will if there is a concert on where she can stay with me for free) but she has never done so since DD was born 15 months ago.

She expects me to bring DD to see her then laughs in my face when I walk through the door?! AIBU?

YABU - your DM is entitled to find your hardship a source of amusement

YANBU - your DM is a disgrace

What have I just read? So you're saying that if someone's mother had to tolerate shitty treatment from older women in their lives, that it gives them a free pass to be vile to their daughter(s) when they have children?!

And as for your last paragraph. I have no words! You think it is AMUSING for a young mother to be struggling with their baby?!

Another one who needs to have a word with themselves!

There's not much use in an emergency contact who is FOUR HOURS away. If you've got four hours sorted, you are sorted.

But no, I'd expect most people aren't. It's been well documented that Gen Z take the least shit of any generation, and I imagine future generations will go that way too. I'm a Millennial and we got saddled with the knowledge you don't have to put up with shit parents, but the guilt about not, too. Gen Z seem to have escaped the guilt. Gen Alpha genuinely believe that you have to earn your place in someone's life, even if you're a blood relative.

It's a side effect of changing society, I suppose.

Im an older woman and if my DC explained why something is done differently now
I would listen!
Lots of things are safer and its a jolly good thing particularly where young children are involved.
Its immature and narrow minded to sit in the " I know best" dark ages, be flexible and curious but most of all treat your adult DC as adults and respect them !

🤣🤣🤣🤣 Brilliant response!

How is that being fair? Sounds like pettiness to me and none of us have any idea if OP’s mother has or not? I doubt it by her comments to OP.

Glad I will never be that type of mother or MIL to my children who gets gleeful and bouncing at the chance to say “I told you so” if/when they are struggling IF they decide to have children.

This! ^

Exactly!

Just as long as Gen Alpha is also prepared to earn their places in their blood relatives' lives too, and not expect anything just because they're related, all well and good!

At what age can you tell your Gen A children that they need to earn their place in your life, I wonder...🤔

Gen Z, Gen Alpha, millennials, boomers.

I am too old for all this stuff 🤣

Fuck sake, how do some people survive in the real world these days? It was a friendly bit of ribbing from your MUM. Roll your eyes, hand the baby to her and tell her that yes, you're suffering, thanks for pointing that out, I WILL have a cup of tea and leave her while I have a bath/read my book/have a nap.

I mean this nicely - but seriously. Get. A. Grip. If you're already getting po-faced about commentary like this, then your child's babyhood is going to be tough going.

For the record - I had twins in nursery and also no family help - not that it's a competition - but you can either wallow or you can just get on with it and try and have a sense of humour about it. Or count your blessings that your child is getting normal childhood illnesses and isn't actually terminally unwell or something.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Let me guess @Zov, with the limited information we have here, you've decided the mother of this woman is an absolute complete cow? After all, OP has only been visiting monthly up till now, even though mum is 4 hours away, which would absolutely suggest that mum is disliked. It couldn't possibly be that OP is highly strung and wound up due to exactly what she describes?

And thinks saying they mean this nicely while saying such things actually makes it nice.

Like the OP's mum, some people have to be nasty.
They just cannot help it.
It is who they are.

MN is full of such posters, waiting to give an OP a right kicking at the first chance.

I cannot imagine kicking a new mother when she is trying to juggle it all.
Like most decent people, I would give absolute sympathy to a stranger, not to mind my darling daughters.
Revelling in their stress and exhaustion with a new baby hours away from me, is beyond fxxked up.
Making jokes about it, is not funny, but just fxxked up.

But the nasties on this site will endlessly denigrate an OP and defend the likes of her mother.

It is why MN is increasingly quieter and less entertaining, why would you open a thread and expose yourself to such unnecessary unkindness.

Yanbu. Baby and toddler age I know is easier but why on earth did your nasty horrible mother in law have to lord it over you. What did your dh say. Every stage and age is different with their different challenges...

Inexplicable isn't it?!

100% correct. Yes I believe it IS the OP's mum at fault.

AGREE @Berrybluessey !

It sounds like she feels your living far away was some kind of statement of independence from her/a defiant way of saying you didn't need her help with the kids and that she is now pleased that you can't cope without her help. Either that or you used to show off to her in the early days about how easy it was bringing up a baby and she found babies hard work when she was a young mother and is now relieved that you also find it hard. Or some other similarly wacky reason. Or does she not just realise how hard you are finding things and thinks that making a joke of it is supportive? And you are feeling sensitive. It's hard to be tell without more context. What is your relationship with her like usually?

I'm also a millennial.
I believe in giving parents a leeway as long as you're not being abused.
Imagine your kids, mum, how come we never see grandma.
Yeah, I cut her out of my life because she said a hurtful thing.
I feel so sorry for the younger generation.
My daughter is gen Z or Alpha dunno, she'll be 16 this year.
And I actively teach her to have patience with older family members.
I don't understand why people can't have patience!
That way you have both good and bad times.
Life cannot be perfect always.

Tell them up bog off, no1 has any legal right to see your kids and if they laugh, cut them off til they crawl back

Wow. That's some resentment you have @Katypp! What is all this perceived bad treatment of older women? It's ironic that you post a diatribe like this about how badly treated grandmothers are and then say something so utterly bitchy in your last comment.
What sort of mother revels in her daughter 'unravelling'? You would have to be a really terrible person and a terrible mother to genuinely feel like that and the DD (or DS) could hardly be blamed for wanting little contact.

We all know a super smug Mum that talks constantly how blessed they are with their easy baby that sleeps, never cries, eats everything etc. Usually very judgy of other mums who are struggling. Not saying this was you but if your mum /siblings perceived it that way, the current reality check may have made your mum laugh.