DM laughed in my face at return to work/nursery transition

[Motherscanbefuppers]

Like many first time mums, I’ve found the transition back to work/DD starting nursery/constant bugs/sickness quite difficult. Started in January so 7 weeks in now and not getting any easier. We live 4 hours from DM and extended family - previously would visit once a month but haven’t made it up yet due to work/nursery transition etc. They keep saying how much they miss DD so travelled down tonight to see them.

First thing DM says to me (after arriving at 10pm) was “so you’ve had a rough few weeks since we last saw you eh?” WHILST LAUGHING. I replied, “yes, it’s been very tough with sickness etc, I’m not sure why you are laughing?”. DM then says “oh you thought you had it so easy with a baby (DD slept well etc), but now your trenches have come HAHAHAHA”.

Again, I replied “I never revelled in any woman going through the trenches, I don’t know why you are revelling in my misery now”.

For context, we have ZERO help on a day to day basis (until nursery last month), DH and I can never get even an hour to ourselves to have an adult conversation (which is fine, we chose to have DD who we love to bits) BUT my DM looks after my siblings’ children full time and whenever they want to go for dinner/nights out/weekends away. Obviously, they live closer but there’s nothing stopping DM visiting me (she will if there is a concert on where she can stay with me for free) but she has never done so since DD was born 15 months ago.

She expects me to bring DD to see her then laughs in my face when I walk through the door?! AIBU?

YABU - your DM is entitled to find your hardship a source of amusement

YANBU - your DM is a disgrace

It is really. I live in a place where people come to escape from bloody London which shows it's not that great

I know my dad was looking forward to seeing how it should have been done after years of my DSis believing they were terrible parents.

She never claimed, or felt, they were neglectful or abusive, but she felt some expectations were unreasonable, that they weren't child centred enough etc. and could be very vocal about it as a young adult who "knew everything".

Then she had a very easy first son, obviously as a result of her perfect parenting. No one was pleased, out loud, when her DS2 turned out to be much more challenging, but we may have enjoyed some moments...Actually DPs have been very supportive of her struggles with him, employing many of the tactics she previously objected to!

Out of OP’s single post, you chose to make it about how hard you have it because you have twins?

Who is to say her mother would help if she did move closer if she is already helping OP’s sister? People can’t also just up and move. If she did move and her mum didn’t help at all (not like she has to), posters would be calling OP silly for doing so.

I've got quadruplets. Can't believe you're moaning about twins.

She's in so e sort of weird competition with you in her head, she wants yo see you struggle to prove something to herself

Personally I'd take a very big break from her

Pah - only 4?? Octomum coped didn't she - you've nothing to complain about!

Have a word with yourself as well!

Horrible?? Honestly??

Clearly I have a different level of understanding.

Why is she so amused and pleased you’re having a hard time? Pure bitch.

@Motherscanbefuppers you coming back?

Female Narc with low self esteem

Takes pleasure in undermining others particularly other women who ask for support
Tons of them on MN with their snark and smack downs

Fucks sake if a stranger said to me they were exhausted and struggling I would have empathy for them let alone my own daughter !

Exactly this.

Gransnet is a bit worse, especially about their own DIL's and daughters...

Motherscanbefuppers
You're DMs least favourite aren't you?
I know it's hard but leave her to it
I think there's resentment baked in somewhere with you so as far as she's concerned so she'll never let you catch a break
Because maybe she percieves you doing although it may not totally feel it, a little too well?
And the next time she ever needs a bed for the evening
Not your problem,
Growing babies take up so much space......

You are not wrong. Laughing at someone you love having a tough time is nasty.

Don't make the trek to visit her after this.

If she wants to see the baby, she can make the effort to come to you.

You don't deserve this or need it. Live your life, set boundaries, maintain distance unless a heartfelt apology and a shift in behavior happens, which likely will not.

You have a daughter yourself now. Can you imagine ever treating her this way and then expecting her to reward it with more visits?

If she treated a neighbor or stranger this way, they'd never show up again. This isn't how you treat a guest in your home if you want them to return, much less a daughter...

I know she’s your Mum but what an absolute bitch! I cannot understand Gowan’s mother would revel in watching her child struggle.

It doesn’t sound like you can do expect any help at all so while things are tough for you I’d stay home and focus on getting any rest you can - no 8 hour car journeys to be laughed at!

Hope it all eases up for you soon OP 💐

Good point, was going to ask if your Mum is narcissistic. 😔

If you usually make the effort to do the long drive once a month then you obviously have a good relationship with her in general. She read the room wrong. You're exhausted and not ready to joke about how hard it is. She's right. You are in the trenches. Don't over think it.

I get exactly the same sort of tone and conversations too from my DM. Been told multiple times about multiple various things she went through with me as a child that was much harder than having a baby in Covid etc etc. never any sympathetic support, just ribbing

I'd be upset with her lack of empathy. Yes, it's tough for the majority of us but that doesn't lessen the load on you.

People sometimes laugh not realising it was your hell. To be fair you saying you had no help- how could she from 4 hours away? But I am sorry because it is hell, that transition

But she also said YOUR TRENCHES HAVE COME, HAHAHA!

The Mum visited her .

To be fair, if the OP's mother had had to put up with some of the treatment of older women seen on here every single day, I don't blame her!
I wonder if she's been told her ideas are outdated, she doesn't know how to do things safely, the daughter knows better than her etc or had it 'gently explained' to her that research means today's parents are better or had comments on MN shown to her, as is so often recommended when a grandparent is doing something critically dangerous like offering squash or a biscuit?
I know MN is not real life, but many posters seem utterly convinced they are the definitive best parents ever and nothing that has gone before is relevant to their superior parenting, it must be somewhat amusing to see it unravel.

????