DM laughed in my face at return to work/nursery transition

[Motherscanbefuppers]

Like many first time mums, I’ve found the transition back to work/DD starting nursery/constant bugs/sickness quite difficult. Started in January so 7 weeks in now and not getting any easier. We live 4 hours from DM and extended family - previously would visit once a month but haven’t made it up yet due to work/nursery transition etc. They keep saying how much they miss DD so travelled down tonight to see them.

First thing DM says to me (after arriving at 10pm) was “so you’ve had a rough few weeks since we last saw you eh?” WHILST LAUGHING. I replied, “yes, it’s been very tough with sickness etc, I’m not sure why you are laughing?”. DM then says “oh you thought you had it so easy with a baby (DD slept well etc), but now your trenches have come HAHAHAHA”.

Again, I replied “I never revelled in any woman going through the trenches, I don’t know why you are revelling in my misery now”.

For context, we have ZERO help on a day to day basis (until nursery last month), DH and I can never get even an hour to ourselves to have an adult conversation (which is fine, we chose to have DD who we love to bits) BUT my DM looks after my siblings’ children full time and whenever they want to go for dinner/nights out/weekends away. Obviously, they live closer but there’s nothing stopping DM visiting me (she will if there is a concert on where she can stay with me for free) but she has never done so since DD was born 15 months ago.

She expects me to bring DD to see her then laughs in my face when I walk through the door?! AIBU?

YABU - your DM is entitled to find your hardship a source of amusement

YANBU - your DM is a disgrace

If you are hurt and offended by what was said to the OP - “so you’ve had a rough few weeks since we last saw you eh?” then quite frankly there is no hope for you.

Can you imagine the pettiness of holding a grudge against a baby or toddler when they're an adult?

a 20-40 year old grudge? 🤪 that's absolute unhinged madness

Maybe the OP thought she had it easy, maybe she had been smug!

Travelling 4 hours after work was always going to be a recipe for disaster!

Maybe she was - if so her mum should’ve pointed out at the time of smugness that she shouldn’t act smug.

But her mum is meant to love her… not enjoy her upset and misery. It shows a weird kind of nastiness towards her own daughter to revel and laugh at her misfortune.

Agree.
I had a similar comment from my MiL more than 33 years ago with my first at 8 weeks old. And I still remember it. I was hurt and astonished when I needed a bit of kindness.
Its like she wanted to win the pity party and it reminded me of the Monty Python sketch on who had the poorest childhood. (google it 😎).

I was a single Mum not long afterwards as her precious son buggered off. So maybe I WIN 🫢

But it still makes me sad now and a bit jealous of families that have two parents who share the load and can enjoy the early years. But that is kept very much to myself.

edited to clarify

@IwishIcouldconfess

If you are hurt and offended by what was said to the OP - “so you’ve had a rough few weeks since we last saw you eh?” then quite frankly there is no hope for you.

Hmmm, thanks randomer but I'll be the judge.

I take it you have a difficult relationship with her?

The OP is going through nothing unusual, hardly a life changing event, going back to work after having a baby.

She is also being dramatic saying DH and I can never get even an hour to ourselves to have an adult conversation - Come on, 2 adults, one baby, can't grab an hour to themselves??

I feel your pain. My In-laws are also the type who laugh at when situations are happening with my children - rather than actually try and be helpful.

There was one occasion we went out for lunch. On the way back from the toilet my 2 year old tripped and cut his head on the side of a the chair which started bleeding profusely, with him screaming and crying. As me and DH tried to deal with that, the 4 year old knocked a cup of lemonade over, directly on top of my bag, which had everything in it. It was stressful and chaotic and yet my in-laws literally sat there chuckling to themselves. When my DH asked what was so funny, they said oh it just make us reminisce when you were a child, ha ha bloody ha! And then got all defensive when asked if they might want to actually try helping!

My MIL's favourite expression is "been there, done that" (said constantly) with a smug expression and often laughing. I really struggle to bite my tongue

People are a bit dramatic when tired and work down though. There’s no need to be so unpleasant about it.

I am not being unpleasant.

Sometimes you need to be told you're being dramatic!

My mum is like this. She often finds it hilarious I am struggling. She delights in things being difficult for me because I think deep down she resents me. She has lots of narcissistic personality traits and once I realised this, it’s been much easier to handle. I don’t expect anything from her and maintain contact but on my terms. I wouldn’t be driving down there anymore. She can come to you. Leave it and see how long it takes… will probably be a while!

And there are ways of doing that which aren’t pointedly unpleasant.

I will work on my delivery of the message

What a twat
YANBU, OP 💐

What a vile nasty cow.
What an awful thing to say to any young mother struggling.
She's a freak.
Yanbu.

Give over.

That is way different to what OP has said here mum said.

That is a direct quote from the OP message

It was late at night. Both of you were probably tired.
Speak to her about it when you are feeling less emotionally heightened.

Did you actually read what the OP's mother actually said to her? Her own DAUGHTER. I think that would be a reasonable thing to say in retaliation to ANYone saying what the OP's mother said. And I don't care if it 'says more about me than anyone else.' 🙄

.

Yes I read what the mother actually said to her own DAUGHTER!

No I couldn't get worked up about it.

Nailed it. Well said!

get out of here with the ageist shite

(given the age of the child, it is more likely that the mum is Gen X or later)

Did you read the OP properly?

That is not all that OP said.

so you’ve had a rough few weeks since we last saw you eh?” WHILST LAUGHING. I replied, “yes, it’s been very tough with sickness etc, I’m not sure why you are laughing?”. DM then says “oh you thought you had it so easy with a baby (DD slept well etc), but now your trenches have come HAHAHAHA”.
Again, I replied “I never revelled in any woman going through the trenches, I don’t know why you are revelling in my misery now”.