AIBU by calling the police?

[Bellajumps]

Hi all,

I have a DSS aged 15 and a DD aged 5. My husband works away during the week and is home at weekend.
My DSS lives with us full time and doesn’t see his mum. There is a history of physical and emotional abuse and drugs and alcohol in the home. When he was 9 he refused to go home to his mums after sleeping at a friends house and told his dad everything after realising it isn’t normal behaviour for mums.

We do not have a court order as his mum let him move in with dad permanently and she went to rehab. This did not work and when he went over at Christmas when 11 her boyfriend hit him. We stupidly still didn’t go to court. He has blocked her on all social media and his phone so she can only make contact through my husband. We know she has made accounts though to stalk him.

During the last few months I have seen her sat outside school when he leaves. She has also tried to pick him up from school twice in the last few months.

He never wanted police involvement previously about the abuse and drug use. However, my DSS is now scared and has mentioned contacting police. AIBU to agree with him and contact the police. My MIL has said I shouldn’t call the police as it’s in the past and she hasn’t done anything for 6 years so isn’t now. My MIL still thinks she has made some mistakes but she can redeem herself. However, I’m terrified that she might try and take him, I know he is 15 but he’s very frail and small due to malnutrition and mistreatment when with mum as a child.

Please can people share whether I should or shouldn’t call the police.

Your poor SS. I would imagine his mother’s repeated attempts to contact him online and in places she knows he’ll be is triggering all sorts of traumatic memories and emotions. I wonder if he’s feeling very emotionally unsafe at the moment?

You should absolutely be prepared to support him in reporting his mother to the police, after what he’s been through he needs adults who stand up for him. Before doing that I think you need to speak to him to unpick his motivation for doing this now. Is he looking to feel protected from her now or is wanting justice for the child abuse?

Can you drop his psychologist an email and ask their opinion on this too?

If it’s protection then he/you can speak to a family solicitor to see what the options are. I think children are entitled to legal aid if finances are a concern.

Meanwhile back in the real world where good jobs are scarce and providing for your family is pretty essential, op and her dh are doing everything they can for the dss.
It sounds like op loves her dss and is obviously there for him which is great.

Thank you everyone for the advice. My DH and I have both booked next week off work to deal with this. We have an appointment with a family solicitor, a legal solicitor and arranged a meeting at school with the safeguarding team alongside the schools SSO. The schools support is the number one reason we never changed his school.

All sounds very sensible OP. Best of luck

Hi OP,
I'm pleased to read your update.

Looking at this from a slightly different angle I think if a child wants to report abuse to the police then you could say you have a moral duty (although not legal duty) to help them to do this.

Whether it is possible to pursue/ prosecute these historic events or issue a non harassment type order is then a matter for the police/CPS. You don't need to worry about whether something was a crime or if there is enough evidence. That's not your job. Let the police do that.

I think you're projecting your own situation on to a teenage boy that you've never met.

I'm sure that mother is in world of pain and I have a lot of empathy for her - but she's been abusive, she's allowed others to be abusive and she's been unable to address her own demons to the point where she can safely be around her son. Her son who will have experienced trauma as a result of her behaviour and who feels afraid in a place where he should be able to feel safe because she is turning up there unannounced. This is not an appropriate response to the situation op finds herself in and both op and her dh would be remiss if they didn't address this and support ops dss.

I understand you're working off your own experience with this, but it doesn't always work out this way. I know a lot of people who have never reunited with a previously abusive parent. And many who have and it was utterly destructive for them. I'm glad it's worked out well for you but you can't project your experience onto op and her dss. You have no idea who his mother is or where her head is at. She could still be (unintentionally) very harmful to him.

Op I would contact social services and police. I think your dh also needs to speak to a solicitor to see about legal advice as this is worrying and is having an impact on your dss.

I’d speak to social services for advice, it sounds a safeguarding issue and talk to school its bound to impact his work and mind.

What about compassion for the child who was abused by her and is scared now that she is harassing him?
Support DSS to go to the police OP.

What the actual fuck??? This child suffered physical and emotional abuse but we should feel empathy for the woman than did it and enabled it?

Police, OP, definitely.

I wouldn’t go to the police because I don’t think they can give you the help that you need. Unfortunately I think that you should apply to court for a prohibited steps order.

If the child wants his mother to be prosecuted for abusing him they are the only people that can give him the help he needs.

Good to hear you have a plan to move fowards with, and that he is getting good support from the school. Hope all goes well next week.

the bbc has reported on plans to establish a child safety register

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/ce3gxkn453ro

This is a quote from the article

Parents guilty of neglect will face similar monitoring to sex offenders following an amendment to the Crime and Policing Bill, which the government said it expects to table "shortly".
The announcement follows a campaign by Tony Hudgell and his adoptive mum Paula, from West Malling in Kent.
Tony, who received the British Empire Medal for services to the prevention of child abuse, told the BBC he was "so happy it's finally happening and that children will be more protected".
Paula said: "This is a victory for Tony - and for every child who deserves to be safe, protected and heard.

Oh well that's ok then, doesn't matter that she's scaring the poor lad so much he wants to go to the police 🤦

A woman who needs to do so through more formal channels. Whilst she may not know her son does not want to meet her she could be able to guess and she has a number of ways to reach out

Family court won’t be interested in a 15yr old so don’t waste your time with a child arrangements order. I would suggest calling children’s services for advice.

The boy himself is scared, and she’s tried to pick him up from school in the past. My compassion is 100% with a little boy who has clearly been traumatised by what he’s experienced at his mothers; hands and l would absolutely ask advice from the police, tell the school she is nor authorised to collect him, and get a court order pronto.

OP, this recent update says you and your husband are seeing family and legal solicitors next week. I think that’s a good idea.

At 15, I don’t think your DSS is likely to be inveigled by his mother to go with her but you might want to make sure he understands where he stands and what he can do if he feels threatened or coerced. I also think, on balance, it would be good for him to feel you are fully supporting him by going to the Police to log what has happened, no matter how long in the past, although some of the ‘watching’ seems to be more recent. If his mother is ‘missing him’ as posters have suggested, then she has recourse to the Family Court but probably realises she’s on shaky ground.

Again, at 15 he would be fully involved in any Family Court decisions and logging of issues with the Police will be admissible at Court, even if historical and only logged recently.

I think posters who suggest your husband should be giving up his job to be available 24/7 are living in some sort of La La Land. Your husband leaves his son in the hands of a fully capable adult who has a good stable and loving relationship with him and comes home at weekends.

You don’t seem to think his father’s engagement is lacking so I don’t think posters here should either.

My best wishes to you and I hope your legal advisers and subsequent actions will work well for your DSS.

Please keep us update.

OP it's so nice to hear he has you as his mum in his life, and that he has support at school and access to counselling.

He is at an age now where he can choose where to live legally. No court would allow mum to keep him at hers given he won't even have supervised contact with her!

I hope next week goes well. It can all be done at his pace. He can report the abuse, and decide what to do.