AIBU by calling the police?

[Bellajumps]

Hi all,

I have a DSS aged 15 and a DD aged 5. My husband works away during the week and is home at weekend.
My DSS lives with us full time and doesn’t see his mum. There is a history of physical and emotional abuse and drugs and alcohol in the home. When he was 9 he refused to go home to his mums after sleeping at a friends house and told his dad everything after realising it isn’t normal behaviour for mums.

We do not have a court order as his mum let him move in with dad permanently and she went to rehab. This did not work and when he went over at Christmas when 11 her boyfriend hit him. We stupidly still didn’t go to court. He has blocked her on all social media and his phone so she can only make contact through my husband. We know she has made accounts though to stalk him.

During the last few months I have seen her sat outside school when he leaves. She has also tried to pick him up from school twice in the last few months.

He never wanted police involvement previously about the abuse and drug use. However, my DSS is now scared and has mentioned contacting police. AIBU to agree with him and contact the police. My MIL has said I shouldn’t call the police as it’s in the past and she hasn’t done anything for 6 years so isn’t now. My MIL still thinks she has made some mistakes but she can redeem herself. However, I’m terrified that she might try and take him, I know he is 15 but he’s very frail and small due to malnutrition and mistreatment when with mum as a child.

Please can people share whether I should or shouldn’t call the police.

I dont know how this is going to play out. The mother will no doubt say sbe wants him back, she has PR and has done nothing wrong. You need to wait for his dad to handle it i think.
I dont think "stalking" applies to a minor child you have PR for!

Not sure that done nothing wrong can come into play when she physically abused him for 9 years.

So surely this can wait until the weekend when DH is home?

Yes and now I have also read an update from the OP and can see her point better.

All aside, I just think your mother is your mother and that the two will almost certainly be back in touch at some point anyway, whatever has happened. It was like this for me with my own mother and so I can just sort of see both sides of it and I have some compassion for why she so badly failed me as a child, even though it still hurts

I do get that

Yes I feel this is being derailed here by posters piling in on DH.
OP, first of all well done for being a great step mum and helping this troubled boy.

There are two things to sort out here

1. Police: if DSS wants to make a police report then I think you need to support him. It's his decision, of course its a long time ago and so who knows what will happen but it may be helpful to DSS in processing his trauma. So I would support him whilst managing his expectations on outcomes
2. Custody: this is a separate process to the police matter. You need to speak to a solicitor to get a CAO in place to reflect the contact. DSS is 15 and his wishes will be taken into account along with the fact that he has a stable home and life with DH and you. You should get this in place as it may the ease worries you all have about his mum and contact. DSS cannot be forced to have contact at age 15, and court may suggest eg weekend or occasional contact but no one can force a 15 year old to actually go. The mum is very unlikely to get a lives with order given the circumstances but speak to a proper family solicitor

Good luck !

Contact the police and then perhaps find ways to make your situation official and your SS get his voice heard over what he wants. Am not sure if that's family court?

I understand mum is missing him, but he comes first. If he agrees down the line, visits need to be made with supervision as she cannot be trusted and he needs to be made to feel safe. Stalking is frightening and she's showing again why he doesn't want contact, poor lad.
Edited - thanks for being their in your SS's corner, you're grand you are.

So you should be speaking to him about his son, not your MIL.

You're literally asking complete strangers on the internet whether you should/shouldn't call the police, when it's his dad you should be asking.

I think there's two separate issues, the historic abuse and his mum trying to see him now. If your step son wants to speak to the police about the historic abuse that's his decision. I think it's also his decision whether he wants to do that now with you or wait until his Dad gets back. His mum sitting outside school is different (although if he speaks to the police about the past abuse and she's arrested I guess that might change). For this I think contacting the school safeguarding is most important so they're aware and can support him. And talking with your stepson and going through what he should do if she approaches him so he has a plan. I think that it also might be an idea to talk to a family lawyer, although this would have to be led by your husband.

He is old enough make these decisions himself. Please contact police and let them know he wants to make a statement and let him tell them everything. This is partly to make him feel safe as they will do something and also re abuse etc he NEEDS to!! As part of him dealing with it and also he wants her charged which is fair enough!! She SHOULD have been charged years ago and your husband did the wrong thing by not getting her charged!!!

I do speak with my DH but he has the same questions as I do. This is not the first time we have discussed this as a possibility, however, this is the first time DSS has expressed going to the police himself.

My DSS has no issues with the two of us doing these things together. He does not feel the need to involve his dad in every thing that happens. Yes we wouldn’t go to the police without informing dad first but he has the same thoughts as me, what is the best option.

I would definitely speak with the police. Potentially also seek advice from a family law solicitor. They will be much better placed to give you accurate and up to date information that’s specific to your situation. Horrible situation and I hope it goes well for you.

At the time he would not tell us what happened fully and everything was very spotty. It has taken him 6 years and many hours of counselling to be at this point. I still believe that he is keeping things bottled up. We both knew that if we had gone to the police 6 years ago nothing would have happened as he wasn’t ready.

Yes definitely context the police. And you’re right that by not escalating at the time you have not helped yourselves. It’s a hard lesson to learn. Been there myself. Took 9 years to extricate the kids.

Good grief @FaceBothered and @WhenRealityHits - I know some posters on MN have massive chips on their shoulders and just blame the man in any situation and assume whatever he does is wrong, but this thread is not the time or place for you to stick your unasked for opinion in.

This is a thread about a teenage boy wanting to report historical abuse BY HIS MOTHER.

Read the room, people.

I second what @noctilucentcloud said at 20:55 about doing the two things alongside one another.

You are an absolute star for the way you have taken this poor, damaged child into your life and built such a relationship with him that he trusts you the way he does @Bellajumps

She clearly isn't mentally well herself so she's not in a position to help him.
She does still care about him even if she isn't a fit parent.
The two are not mutually exclusive.

Sadly, when damaged women have children, the children often end up damaged too.

All the more reason for the OP and her DH to protect their boy.

Children should be protected from damage, even if that doesn’t suit some people.

You’ve misunderstood - PP means that’s what she could say and it would be harder than it should be. Focus on him rather than her. Let that lead the way.

Be aware you may not have much legal standing as his ‘mum’. I don’t mean ethically, you’re clearly his mum figure- but legally speaking you’re just his dads wife at the moment.

I would discuss with school, his counsellor, and get support and evidence lined up.

Given that he himself has asked to speak to the police then yes I think you should. It must have taken a lot for him to get to that point himself, so definitely follow through on his wishes.
I’m so glad this boy has you fighting his corner Bellajumps, you sound wonderful.

In the meantime can you speak to the school and ask if he can leave 15 minutes early or from a different part of the building to avoid seeing her?

This is sad, I haven’t read all of the replies or the full story, but if your “son” is asking you to call the police, then police do. Especially if he never wanted you to previously contact the police. It’s obviously pushing his limits. He is scared. That is enough reason to call them. It will mean a lot to him knowing you’re behind him. And the police will have it logged if anything in the future will happen. It is a legal matter and to do with the police if your son is scared which he obviously is to ask you to ring them. Yes it seems the mother really misses her son, that is heartbreaking on her part to. If you could have a word with her also if you felt comfortable that she is scaring him hopefully she will stop. Especially since it seems she cares for him. Not loving parent would want to scare their child. But your son is priority and putting his needs first and what he wants is also priority. He’s scared. Ring the police! If my baby said to me he was scared ring the police I’d do it do hesitation, no matter who the other person was. Family or not.

Aww - poor abusive mother 🎻

Think it’s really important to act on your son’s wishes.

If he feels that his abuse is taken seriously that could help him, otherwise there’s a danger that he may think that in not reporting her actions that what happened to him doesn’t warrant being taken seriously by the people who love him.

I wouldn't do that.

hes far safer leaving with 1500 (or however many) other kids. & hes15, he'd feel like an idiot. Plus it would affect his education.

@Bellajumps HE wants to report the historic abuse & current 'stalking' . I would support him in doing that & set up a meeting for him.wherever he feels must comfortable. Police station, school or home.

No idea why MIL is protecting her, but she can be stiffly ignored!!

at 15 I'm not sure it's even worth getting her PR removed.

I would be getting your DH to contact her - preferably by text/email telling her to stop as this is causing DSS distress.

You'll have a better leg to stand on when she explicitly knows that her current actions are causing him distress and she continues.