AIBU by calling the police?

[Bellajumps]

Hi all,

I have a DSS aged 15 and a DD aged 5. My husband works away during the week and is home at weekend.
My DSS lives with us full time and doesn’t see his mum. There is a history of physical and emotional abuse and drugs and alcohol in the home. When he was 9 he refused to go home to his mums after sleeping at a friends house and told his dad everything after realising it isn’t normal behaviour for mums.

We do not have a court order as his mum let him move in with dad permanently and she went to rehab. This did not work and when he went over at Christmas when 11 her boyfriend hit him. We stupidly still didn’t go to court. He has blocked her on all social media and his phone so she can only make contact through my husband. We know she has made accounts though to stalk him.

During the last few months I have seen her sat outside school when he leaves. She has also tried to pick him up from school twice in the last few months.

He never wanted police involvement previously about the abuse and drug use. However, my DSS is now scared and has mentioned contacting police. AIBU to agree with him and contact the police. My MIL has said I shouldn’t call the police as it’s in the past and she hasn’t done anything for 6 years so isn’t now. My MIL still thinks she has made some mistakes but she can redeem herself. However, I’m terrified that she might try and take him, I know he is 15 but he’s very frail and small due to malnutrition and mistreatment when with mum as a child.

Please can people share whether I should or shouldn’t call the police.

Well the fact not one of your posts has mentioned the child at the centre of this is a big clue.

My husband is difficult to contact when he is away but wants what is best for his child.

He can't be that difficult to contact for goodness sake.

What if one of his kids was lying in a hospital bed or worse?

Contact him and discuss it with him, not you MIL.

Speak to school safeguarding lead. They will advise and can help with everything

Of course you should support DSS to report the abuse and her behaviour towards him recently. It is perfectly possible to hold abusers to account for historical offences. It probably would help if his father could also accompany him to talk to the police.

I am appalled that some pp seem to think that her behaviour is acceptable/ understandable. It isn't.

Oh, that is completely different from what I thought I was answering earlier.

My first response was to what you put in your OP, which suggested he wanted to report the fact she was sitting outside his school. (Hence me suggesting logging it but the police wouldn't do anything, and, I suggest, the responses from the posters saying not to contact the police.)

This post, however, seems to be saying that he is now ready to report historic abuse, and wants to speak to the police about what he suffered before he came to live with you. That is completely different.

Yes, of course you should support him to speak to the police, and yes, the police will take this very seriously.
I do, however, agree with others that you need to contact his Dad urgently and tell him what your ds has decided.

Just because I don't mention doesn't mean anything. I can have thoughts I don't write down

She physically and emotionally abused that child and is now stalking him.

So no, she doesn't deserve compassion because she is a fucking danger to her child.

Her 'missing her child' is not more important than the child's safety and wellbeing.

You have repeatedly said that the police shouldn't be called because the mother is 'missing her child'.

Do you think that someone who physically and emotionally abuses a child should simply be allowed to continue harming that child because she misses him? Because that is very much the consequence of ignoring this woman's behaviour.

Her child is not her possession. She forfeited her right to be with him when she abused him. I'm sure she is missing him, and that's sad, but it isn't more important than the child's welfare. Your suggested course of (non) action puts the mother's feelings first and the child's welfare second.

Jesus. Do you feel sorry for the child who was abused and neglected? The kid is scared of her she doesn't deserve anything from him.

Thank you to most responses. Unfortunately, my husband works in remote Scotland during the week so even when we do contact he is often cut off. I am the main caregiver and main point of contact with his school as I work locally.

She does miss him but I can safely say if he went back it would carry on. Her current BF is a known drug dealer. She also told him she wouldn’t be evil like me and would let him stay off school all the time. She is constantly drunk and is not a fit parent. He was offered supervised visit time within school by the safeguarding lead but he doesn't even want this.

He shouldn't be putting all of this on you OP.

This is his child and his ex.

You shouldn't have to deal with it alone while he chooses a job in a remote part of Scotland where he may/may not be able to be in contact.

He needs to do better and you need to stop putting up with it.

Do you say the same when it's a man beating, starving and neglecting his children?

It’s not on me unfairly. I have taken responsibility of this child as his mum. Staff at school see me as his mum, he sees me as his mum and I see myself as his mum. My husband does what is best for his family and this job is what is best for us.
His role means he gets every summer off and can spend it with his family.

He cannot be contacted due to choosing to work in a remote place.

That is not taking responsibility for his child at all.

It's leaving everything to you, everything to do with his child.

You might feel ok being taken advantage of but he needs to sort his shit out and make sure he's around and contactable for both you and his child.

Please contact the police and safeguard your step son x

I think you need to take the wishes of the child into account, and may end up going to the police, but would take other steps first.

You have indicated that your son is going to counselling. Has he discussed going to the police with the counsellor- it won't be an wady process, and due to the time frame as to when it happened, there may be no action taken. I think that us something he will need to understand and have support with before the process starts.

I would also find a good family lawyer, that you can discuss things with. They maybe able to explain the possible outcomes /benefits/consequences of going to the police. They can also put things on notion to have it formalised that he live with you and his father, and whether or not his birth mother has parental responsibility.

I know there are practical restrictions, but I think your husband should be involved in these processes.

You sound a lovely person and your son is lucky to have you looking out for him.

For contact in areas with rubbish signal, send text messages. It’s a good way of getting some basic communication to and fro.

If a 15yr old wants to report abuse, then absolutely support them with that. Initial contact with the police is a bit of a pain in the arse to actually arrange (111 is very anticlimactic and it’s not a 999 thing and you often can’t just walk in and talk to someone). Sounds like already have some contact with the safeguarding lead at school. A good starting point would be him and a responsible adult of his choice meeting with then safeguarding lead and they can support him with a forward plan.

Is he on an oil rig?
There must be a way of contacting him at least on a daily basis.
It's Scotland - not outer space.

Start making him call you every evening - you're raising his son.
It's the least he can do.
Sounds like both of this boy's parents are inadequate.

I agree

If she was that bothered about her child she’d be going about things properly, not just stalking him at school.

Yanbu and well done for being a great mum figure your dss can trust and talk to.

He is clearly stating his wish and you should support to fulfil this. He doesn’t even need your permission but it’s great he feels safe enough and can trust you enough to ask for help and believe he’ll get it.

Did you read the opening comment properly?

I think you’re concentrating on the wrong thing here. OP doesn’t feel burdened by looking after her SS and in my opinion would be totally capable of helping the boy to make a statement to the police as the responsible adult. The child trusts her.

If he has come to you of his own accord to say that he wants to report it, I wouldn’t be telling him no.

We do speak every day/most days. I said it is difficult not impossible. However, I am perfectly capable of making decisions in this child’s life. He is my child as well as my husbands. I do not find it a burden or a concern that my husband works away, he does what’s best for our family.