Page 6 | To think kids in blended families don’t have two homes

StRidiculous · 2026-02-24T15:51:45+00:00

In EOWE type scenarios where the vast majority of time is spent with one parent, I don’t think the children believe they have two homes at all.

Original poster

StRidiculous · 25/02/2026 17:23

NoisyViewer · 25/02/2026 17:08

I didn’t explain properly, we where 16, 13 & 12, her kids where adults with her youngest moving in being 18. She said the asking rule was applied to her kids until they started earning their own money & contributed to the bills. So we would sit in my dad’s house whilst he would help himself. My dad’s excuse was she buys the food shopping so we had to be asked. My sister asked her son if he had permission to open our dad’s cupboards. Which caused an argument. So it was a rule that her own kids weren’t asked to adhere to & something she wanted imposed on us despite only probably spending no more than 7 hours in a week in her home, had she moaned we hadn’t cleaned up after then that would be a fair point. She met my dad 6 months before moving in. We were not small kids.

He did cook for us but having a growing 12 yo boy who was always hungry my dad would say help yourself this is your home. That rhetoric changed with her. Try telling teenagers who was to blame. Of course we blamed her she was the changing factor.

why a step parent who doesn’t live with a kid would get involved in arguments over homework is beyond me anyway. Why? If he’s a lazy dad I’d be letting the ex give him an ear bashing over it and when he’d come complaining to me I’d say she has point. Tell your kids to do their homework that would be as much as I would be getting involved in that, picking battles is definitely good advice on that.

again dinner times. Seeing a child for a few hours a week id just cook the food i know they’d eat, especially if it’s like my arrangement was or that of yours. I know that routine for all kids is important but it’s also impossible to achieve when every week or eowe it’s disrupted because the sc will bring that naturally by just being there. Remember who has the benefit of 2 parents around all the time & who doesn’t. Your children will have had more benefit of their dad than the kids he had with someone else, which is why he would want to reiterate often that he sees your home as theirs to.

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Now you’ve explained it, she doesn’t sound very nice. I would definitely not attempt to blend teenagers and especially not in a home that was too small for them all to coexist. I still think the onus should be on your dad’s failings though. He should never have moved them all in.

As a stepparent, picking your battles is definitely wise and I’m learning that more as I go along. In my scenario, SC’s mum doesn’t make them do any homework and it’s really hard to see kids you care about be set up to fail. But ultimately by involving myself in it, they’re far more likely to end up hating me than appreciating it. And doing it every other weekend is making very little difference.

Luckily there’s a big enough age gap that our shared DC probably won’t notice.

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CypressGrove · 25/02/2026 20:37

StRidiculous · 25/02/2026 12:27

Thanks! They genuinely are happy here and we all have a lot of fun together.

Teenage changes is an interesting topic that DH and I have discussed. Personally, I expect once SC are secondary age they’ll start getting work (they have family members close to their mum’s who have already promised weekend waitressing and babysitting), and wanting to see friends, and we’ll go through a phase of only seeing them occasionally or when we take them on holiday.

Again, I think this is normal and DH thinks it’s impossible!

If we keep the doors open on their terms I think they’re more likely to be closer to us when older, than if we force contact they don’t want. But I do appreciate it’s hard for DH because he’ll barely see them, whereas a resident parent would.

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This is a really defeatist attitude to take - your DH doesn't have to become a virtual stranger to his teens. Now is the time for him to cement his joint interests with his children so they have interests and regular activities they do together and will continue to do as teenagers.

tuiblue · 25/02/2026 22:00

My kids are late teenage and their dad and I separated when they were 9 and 11. We live just a couple of miles apart and we have always done 50/50. I am glad that the kids have been brought up by both of us but from observation, I don't think it's possible for them to feel that two places are 'home', and so as a consequence, they feel and say that they are either at mum's house or at dad's house, rather than 'at home'. It's hard to know what comes first, the words or the meaning, but like an earlier poster said, it sucks.

CypressGrove · 25/02/2026 22:26

tuiblue · 25/02/2026 22:00

My kids are late teenage and their dad and I separated when they were 9 and 11. We live just a couple of miles apart and we have always done 50/50. I am glad that the kids have been brought up by both of us but from observation, I don't think it's possible for them to feel that two places are 'home', and so as a consequence, they feel and say that they are either at mum's house or at dad's house, rather than 'at home'. It's hard to know what comes first, the words or the meaning, but like an earlier poster said, it sucks.

I really don't think the words are that important - you could have two different sets of children that say 'mum's house and dad's house' and one set feel completely comfortable and at home in both houses but just need words to describe them for purely practical reasons and the other set feel that neither is their home and they are a guest in both. It really depends on the overall set up and atmosphere of the houses and family set up in both.

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 25/02/2026 23:50

I hate the term blended families. It is so cheesy and phoney. Sugar coated Americanism.

Like smooth blended smoothie.

Life can be tough unfortunately..And that is the way it is.

Original poster

StRidiculous · 26/02/2026 08:18

CypressGrove · 25/02/2026 20:37

This is a really defeatist attitude to take - your DH doesn't have to become a virtual stranger to his teens. Now is the time for him to cement his joint interests with his children so they have interests and regular activities they do together and will continue to do as teenagers.

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That’s for him and them to sort out, not me!

As a PP said, parenting is about picking battles. Well, stepparenting is even more. There’s no automatic bond there and as a result, stepparents are far more likely to be blamed and hated for everything by teens.

OP posts:

CypressGrove · 26/02/2026 08:27

StRidiculous · 26/02/2026 08:18

That’s for him and them to sort out, not me!

As a PP said, parenting is about picking battles. Well, stepparenting is even more. There’s no automatic bond there and as a result, stepparents are far more likely to be blamed and hated for everything by teens.

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Of course it's for your DH to sort out- but your attitude seems to be it will be inevitable he loses regular contact with his DC when they become teenagers - which doesn't speak highly of your opinion of your DHs parenting!

RabbitsEatPancakes · 26/02/2026 08:35

ThisMustBeMyDream · 24/02/2026 15:58

My SD does as she has her own room here and absolutely everything she needs/wants. She doesn't bring anything between houses unless it's something she wants ie this weekend she took her new build-a-bear back to her mum's. She has her own clothes, toys, bike, ipad, you name it, she has it at ours as well as at mums.
This is her home, and she calls it as such.

This is the opposite of being at home- double everything. That makes all her stuff either her mums or her dad's. Why can't she have one iPad and set of belongings.

Original poster

StRidiculous · 26/02/2026 08:40

CypressGrove · 26/02/2026 08:27

Of course it's for your DH to sort out- but your attitude seems to be it will be inevitable he loses regular contact with his DC when they become teenagers - which doesn't speak highly of your opinion of your DHs parenting!

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He’s a great dad to them when they’re here. I don’t think he’ll lose touch with them, I think their focus will be more on their social life, and I think him forcing contact will be detrimental as they’ll resent it. I have absolutely no doubt that we’ll still see them in holidays and at special occasions.

I spent years agonising over their habits, education and upbringing and it didn’t change a thing. They’re being raised by their mum to her standards, with the occasional dash of our influence. What I hope for now is to maintain a loving and respectful relationship with them, and maybe as PP said, they’ll become closer to us again in their late teens. That seems less likely if DH is forcing them into contact and terminology they don’t want, and I’m forcing them to standards they’re not used to on things like homework.

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TheBestThingthatAlmostHappened · 26/02/2026 08:52

NoisyViewer · 25/02/2026 17:08

I didn’t explain properly, we where 16, 13 & 12, her kids where adults with her youngest moving in being 18. She said the asking rule was applied to her kids until they started earning their own money & contributed to the bills. So we would sit in my dad’s house whilst he would help himself. My dad’s excuse was she buys the food shopping so we had to be asked. My sister asked her son if he had permission to open our dad’s cupboards. Which caused an argument. So it was a rule that her own kids weren’t asked to adhere to & something she wanted imposed on us despite only probably spending no more than 7 hours in a week in her home, had she moaned we hadn’t cleaned up after then that would be a fair point. She met my dad 6 months before moving in. We were not small kids.

He did cook for us but having a growing 12 yo boy who was always hungry my dad would say help yourself this is your home. That rhetoric changed with her. Try telling teenagers who was to blame. Of course we blamed her she was the changing factor.

why a step parent who doesn’t live with a kid would get involved in arguments over homework is beyond me anyway. Why? If he’s a lazy dad I’d be letting the ex give him an ear bashing over it and when he’d come complaining to me I’d say she has point. Tell your kids to do their homework that would be as much as I would be getting involved in that, picking battles is definitely good advice on that.

again dinner times. Seeing a child for a few hours a week id just cook the food i know they’d eat, especially if it’s like my arrangement was or that of yours. I know that routine for all kids is important but it’s also impossible to achieve when every week or eowe it’s disrupted because the sc will bring that naturally by just being there. Remember who has the benefit of 2 parents around all the time & who doesn’t. Your children will have had more benefit of their dad than the kids he had with someone else, which is why he would want to reiterate often that he sees your home as theirs to.

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You're not wrong.

I spent a lot of energy trying to get SD to do more homework and eat better. I love her to bits and was genuinely worried about her diet as she was getting no fruit and veg at all, and it did work to an extent, but it felt like a losing battle at the time.

In the end, what actually made the difference with schoolwork was an ADHD diagnosis and medication which she wouldn't have got if I hadn't pretty much organised the whole thing, with her Dad's support but against her Mum's wishes. I definitely don't regret that, but maybe I could have worried less about her school progress at primary school. Or maybe that would have led to her falling so far behind she'd have never caught up? I'll never know.

I will say though that the only reason we've ever clashed on food is for health reasons. She can eat whatever she wants out of our house and she's now 16 so has to decide herself if she's had enough sugar that day. Our cupboards are open access.

FWIW, her Dad isn't lazy, I'm just a bit more proactive with education and food for both our kids.

Original poster

StRidiculous · 26/02/2026 09:20

TheBestThingthatAlmostHappened · 26/02/2026 08:52

You're not wrong.

I spent a lot of energy trying to get SD to do more homework and eat better. I love her to bits and was genuinely worried about her diet as she was getting no fruit and veg at all, and it did work to an extent, but it felt like a losing battle at the time.

In the end, what actually made the difference with schoolwork was an ADHD diagnosis and medication which she wouldn't have got if I hadn't pretty much organised the whole thing, with her Dad's support but against her Mum's wishes. I definitely don't regret that, but maybe I could have worried less about her school progress at primary school. Or maybe that would have led to her falling so far behind she'd have never caught up? I'll never know.

I will say though that the only reason we've ever clashed on food is for health reasons. She can eat whatever she wants out of our house and she's now 16 so has to decide herself if she's had enough sugar that day. Our cupboards are open access.

FWIW, her Dad isn't lazy, I'm just a bit more proactive with education and food for both our kids.

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I wonder if your SD will grow up to think you put in boundaries because you cared about her, or thinking you’re a mean bitch who controlled her dad, like so many SC seem to think…

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TheBestThingthatAlmostHappened · 26/02/2026 09:25

StRidiculous · 26/02/2026 09:20

I wonder if your SD will grow up to think you put in boundaries because you cared about her, or thinking you’re a mean bitch who controlled her dad, like so many SC seem to think…

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She's 16 now and seems to mostly think I'm alright. I guess most teenagers think their parents are a bit annoying and embarrassing, step or not.

Original poster

StRidiculous · 26/02/2026 09:51

TheBestThingthatAlmostHappened · 26/02/2026 09:25

She's 16 now and seems to mostly think I'm alright. I guess most teenagers think their parents are a bit annoying and embarrassing, step or not.

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I’m interested to know if your contact schedule changed when she was a teen, if standards were lower in her mum’s?

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SpainToday · 26/02/2026 09:52

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 25/02/2026 23:50

I hate the term blended families. It is so cheesy and phoney. Sugar coated Americanism.

Like smooth blended smoothie.

Life can be tough unfortunately..And that is the way it is.

I hate the term too - its so misleading, as there's rarely any blending taking place, multiple households lumped together, doing their best to tolerate each other.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 26/02/2026 10:00

RabbitsEatPancakes · 26/02/2026 08:35

This is the opposite of being at home- double everything. That makes all her stuff either her mums or her dad's. Why can't she have one iPad and set of belongings.

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She can take whatever she wants from ours to her mums. Unfortunately, it isn't reciprocated.
We make the best of difficult circumstances. She is 9, I'm sure it will change once she has a phone and other things like that. But for now, this works for her and she is happy and doesn't live life out of a suitcase. That's all that matters.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 26/02/2026 10:00

She can take whatever she wants from ours to her mums. Unfortunately, it isn't reciprocated.
We make the best of difficult circumstances. She is 9, I'm sure it will change once she has a phone and other things like that. But for now, this works for her and she is happy and doesn't live life out of a suitcase. That's all that matters.

TheBestThingthatAlmostHappened · 26/02/2026 10:57

StRidiculous · 26/02/2026 09:51

I’m interested to know if your contact schedule changed when she was a teen, if standards were lower in her mum’s?

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So up to when she was 12-ish she was coming to us one weeknight every week and every other weekend Fri- Mon, so 5 nights out of every fortnight, plus we had just over 50% of the holidays.

Then she decided she didn't like having to get up earlier to get the bus to school on "our" weeknights and also most of her friends lived closer to her Mum's, so it changed to just Friday and Saturday every other week and then there was more weekends when she was going on camps, or to sleepovers etc. and we realised that it was working out she was mostly just coming in school holidays.

At this point, we were really struggling moneywise because the area we were living in was so expensive, we had no family support (DH doesn't have family and mine live up North) and DH's mental health was rapidly declining due to workplace bullying, but he couldn't change jobs as we were only just making ends meet as it was. That's why we decided to move to be near my family and now she comes for holidays. We wanted my daughter to have the same things SD has always had- annual holidays, a garden, days out, birthday parties- and that just wasn't feasible in the situation we were in. And we wanted our own home, not an unstable rental.

Standards are different at her Mums, not necessarily lower but she values different things. We expect more in terms of manners and food, and BM is more into the Disney holidays and buying lots of stuff and material goods. She's stricter in terms of allowing SD freedom and I think she treats her more like a much younger child. I think it's maybe partly cultural too- where we live now I'm happy to let my 6 yo go out to play and just tell her to let me know if she's going in someone's house so I can find her. Down there, people won't even leave a 10 year old alone in the house for an hour.

I think we all care about education but BM left school at 16 and we both have post-grad qualifications so I think we're maybe more aware of what actually makes a difference. We were more able to help her with homework and explain things to her.

Original poster

StRidiculous · 26/02/2026 11:26

TheBestThingthatAlmostHappened · 26/02/2026 10:57

So up to when she was 12-ish she was coming to us one weeknight every week and every other weekend Fri- Mon, so 5 nights out of every fortnight, plus we had just over 50% of the holidays.

Then she decided she didn't like having to get up earlier to get the bus to school on "our" weeknights and also most of her friends lived closer to her Mum's, so it changed to just Friday and Saturday every other week and then there was more weekends when she was going on camps, or to sleepovers etc. and we realised that it was working out she was mostly just coming in school holidays.

At this point, we were really struggling moneywise because the area we were living in was so expensive, we had no family support (DH doesn't have family and mine live up North) and DH's mental health was rapidly declining due to workplace bullying, but he couldn't change jobs as we were only just making ends meet as it was. That's why we decided to move to be near my family and now she comes for holidays. We wanted my daughter to have the same things SD has always had- annual holidays, a garden, days out, birthday parties- and that just wasn't feasible in the situation we were in. And we wanted our own home, not an unstable rental.

Standards are different at her Mums, not necessarily lower but she values different things. We expect more in terms of manners and food, and BM is more into the Disney holidays and buying lots of stuff and material goods. She's stricter in terms of allowing SD freedom and I think she treats her more like a much younger child. I think it's maybe partly cultural too- where we live now I'm happy to let my 6 yo go out to play and just tell her to let me know if she's going in someone's house so I can find her. Down there, people won't even leave a 10 year old alone in the house for an hour.

I think we all care about education but BM left school at 16 and we both have post-grad qualifications so I think we're maybe more aware of what actually makes a difference. We were more able to help her with homework and explain things to her.

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That sounds pretty similar to how I think it’ll go for us, though I doubt we’ll move even though all our family support is hours away. SC will always be welcome and have bedrooms here but I think we’ll end up seeing them for holidays and occasional weekends.

Like you, I’ve spent so long worrying about SC in ways that ultimately make little difference. I think, for both our future relationships and my mental health’s sake, it’s better to drop the rope a bit and be pragmatic about it.

OP posts:

CypressGrove · 26/02/2026 11:45

StRidiculous · 26/02/2026 08:40

He’s a great dad to them when they’re here. I don’t think he’ll lose touch with them, I think their focus will be more on their social life, and I think him forcing contact will be detrimental as they’ll resent it. I have absolutely no doubt that we’ll still see them in holidays and at special occasions.

I spent years agonising over their habits, education and upbringing and it didn’t change a thing. They’re being raised by their mum to her standards, with the occasional dash of our influence. What I hope for now is to maintain a loving and respectful relationship with them, and maybe as PP said, they’ll become closer to us again in their late teens. That seems less likely if DH is forcing them into contact and terminology they don’t want, and I’m forcing them to standards they’re not used to on things like homework.

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I agree about not forcing contact - and I'm not sure what you mean about terminology - just about maintaining their relationship with regular catch ups in ways that DC and dad enjoy. As a teen I didn't go stay at dad's place so much due to part time job, friends etc, but we still hang out regularly- our things were sailing and fishing so we'd go sailing most Thursday nights and fishing more like once a month on a Sunday morning. For teens and the non resident parent it's not so much about directive parenting but just having that time together. Most dads I know spend some time with their teens - sometimes via their sport club, or gym sessions, running, biking, browsing second hand book stores, looking for collectibles - whichever way their interests go there is generally some overlap. I don't think you should be in charge of this but the options aren't holidays and special occasions only versus regular contact schedule at dad's house.

TheBestThingthatAlmostHappened · 26/02/2026 11:50

StRidiculous · 26/02/2026 11:26

That sounds pretty similar to how I think it’ll go for us, though I doubt we’ll move even though all our family support is hours away. SC will always be welcome and have bedrooms here but I think we’ll end up seeing them for holidays and occasional weekends.

Like you, I’ve spent so long worrying about SC in ways that ultimately make little difference. I think, for both our future relationships and my mental health’s sake, it’s better to drop the rope a bit and be pragmatic about it.

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It's impossible to parent-in good values if the other parent is actively unpicking all your work, and vice versa. All you can do is present an alternative and let them make their own choices.

Original poster

StRidiculous · 26/02/2026 11:57

CypressGrove · 26/02/2026 11:45

I agree about not forcing contact - and I'm not sure what you mean about terminology - just about maintaining their relationship with regular catch ups in ways that DC and dad enjoy. As a teen I didn't go stay at dad's place so much due to part time job, friends etc, but we still hang out regularly- our things were sailing and fishing so we'd go sailing most Thursday nights and fishing more like once a month on a Sunday morning. For teens and the non resident parent it's not so much about directive parenting but just having that time together. Most dads I know spend some time with their teens - sometimes via their sport club, or gym sessions, running, biking, browsing second hand book stores, looking for collectibles - whichever way their interests go there is generally some overlap. I don't think you should be in charge of this but the options aren't holidays and special occasions only versus regular contact schedule at dad's house.

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I mean the terminology of mum’s house vs home, that kind of thing. I’m happy to be led by what they say.

I imagine as they get older, DH will go to them more rather than them coming to us, and that’s absolutely fine with me, as long as it’s balanced with what the rest of the family needs. I’d like to think I could do the same with SC too as long as that’s what they want.

OP posts:

Original poster

StRidiculous · 26/02/2026 11:59

TheBestThingthatAlmostHappened · 26/02/2026 11:50

It's impossible to parent-in good values if the other parent is actively unpicking all your work, and vice versa. All you can do is present an alternative and let them make their own choices.

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Yes, I agree. And it’s especially difficult when your household has only a small share of their time, and the other household is “easier.”

I think all we can do is remain firm on our boundaries and keep the door and channels of communication open.

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CypressGrove · 26/02/2026 12:35

StRidiculous · 26/02/2026 11:57

I mean the terminology of mum’s house vs home, that kind of thing. I’m happy to be led by what they say.

I imagine as they get older, DH will go to them more rather than them coming to us, and that’s absolutely fine with me, as long as it’s balanced with what the rest of the family needs. I’d like to think I could do the same with SC too as long as that’s what they want.

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Oh yeah they aren't going to call a house they stay at EOW anything but dad's house! He's fighting a losing battle there - but it doesn't mean they don't feel at home there. And as long as they abide by house rules I don't see an issue. The focus should be on the relationship not where it takes place.

Lifeasafish2 · 26/02/2026 13:15

StRidiculous · 25/02/2026 15:57

I think you’re blaming the wrong person. Even before she was on the scene, you barely saw your dad, and when you did, he wasn’t even feeding you properly - why were you making sandwiches when you were briefly there rather than him cooking?

Having house rules that apply to all the children sounds fair enough to me. Having two sets of rules is just going to breed resentment.

I often hear this kind of stuff from my adult friends who had stepmums: about how awful they were. When you dig down, it turns out the stepmum made them eat vegetables or do homework or something else their slack dad should have already been doing but didn’t bother with. Stepmums can’t win!

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Your attitude here possibly explains why this SK don't see your house as home...

TheMorgenmuffel · 26/02/2026 15:11

Ideally children should feel that they have a welcoming home with both of their parents, regardless which home they spend more time in.