To think kids in blended families don’t have two homes

[StRidiculous]

In EOWE type scenarios where the vast majority of time is spent with one parent, I don’t think the children believe they have two homes at all.

I think if this way of thinking about it is helpful to the child then that's great. If the child doesn't see it that way then I don't think that the adults should press it. Kids cope with this situation differently.

When DH and I moved in together I did loads of research on how to make them welcome, they chose their furniture and room decor, we put up lots of family photos and their drawings, we signed them up for local clubs and I even cultivated friendships with families with the same age kids so they’d have local friends…

None of its made the blind bit of difference. Home is where mum and school is.

Are they allowed to roam free in the kitchen? Make a drink.or snack without asking? Do they have their own shelf in the bathroom? These are things that my 2 say don't happen at their dad's which makes it feel like they're guests.

StRidiculous

I regularly stayed with my grandparents as a child, had loads of stuff there and felt loved.
It wasn’t my home.

Home is where your parents are- their dad is in your house and they stay there regularly ergo it’s their second home. A bigger question is why this bothers you?

In your specific case they maybe just don’t spend enough time there to feel truly at home. is there a reason they can’t be there more?

I will say though that for my girls “home” was a feeling. When their dad was with his first wife after me they felt like they had two homes, even though they were only there once a month. With his second wife they were there far more often yet never, ever felt like they were home.

My dh really tried to create a home for his dd, I can remember meltdowns when he’d say we are going home and then drive to his house and she was expecting her mums house.
she had the biggest room for a long time, all the clothes and things she needed but I don’t think she ever accepted our house as home even though she stayed mid week until she was 15.
my two have never thought of their dads as home, they went two nights a months, two school holiday weeks if we were lucky and had no bed or room, lived out of plastic boxes brought in from the shed.

it’s very very difficult to create two homes and for some children it just doesn’t work

My eldest stepson probably didn’t as he asked if he could move in with us full time at 14 and never lived with his mother again. He stayed over the odd night there but she eventually moved a lodger into his room. But my other stepson did. He spent about 50/50 between us and his mother , moving in full time with us at 16.

I totally agree with you. DSS used to come to us EOW plus one midweek night, he would describe himself as living with mum and visiting Dad. He was fine about it

Why does this matter? Are you wanting your step children to feel at home or not? I think it's best to think of and present both houses as their home so they are comfortable, and it's up to them if they agree

They ask before having a snack (not a drink or fruit). I don’t know if they do the same at their mum’s. If given free rein they’d eat all the snacks as apparently we have cool snacks - I think this is because of the novelty factor and if this was normal/home then they wouldn’t.

Nobody has a specific shelf in the bathroom but they have their own products in there.

I want them to feel comfortable here but I’m under no illusions that they think this is their home.

This is the thing, who actually benefits by forcing it as a narrative? Clearly all the children in your life knew where their home was and saying otherwise is at best confusing and at worst traumatic.

I agree OP, none of my friends with separate parents and EOW arrangements thought they had two homes - it was always home and dad's (or mum's) for the EOW house. I hear the same terminology from DC' school friends in the same situation now.

I know one child who really does have and feel like he has two homes but his parents and stepparents work bloody hard at it and are lucky enough to live less than 10 minutes walk from one another so he really can do equal time at both without any disruption to his school life, time with friends, activities etc

Most children I have known throughout my life with separate parents definitely see one as 'home' and one as 'my dad's/ mum's place'

I came on to say this. Mum and Dad's house is still home to me as is my house where I live with DH and Dd. Ds is away at University living with his girl friend his has 2 homes too.

Did their dad ask for more time with them when younger? Did he move away if you don’t live near the school? Does he attend all school stuff?

I think that’s a completely different scenario.

As a kid, if a parent moves away from the other parent and away from their child’s school, their house will never feel like home. My DB is going through this at the minute with his girls. He’s bought everything they could possibly need and want but he’s 30 minutes away from their school and all their friends and his house is firmly “dad’s house” and mums house is home.

I think an EOW arrangement is so little that it totally changes the parent / child relationship into one that inevitably becomes more distant. It would be logical that once that distance creeps in it would not feel like home. I don’t think it matters how much energy you put into the time they are there, or how nice the room is if it’s only eow. It’s not big gestures it’s being a constant presence in their lives that make it feel like a family home.

I think if they are only at one parents every other weekend then not huge surprise they don't call it home

I think people get very hung up on words. I used to refer to my parents house as home even we we brought our own house which upset my dh but id always referred to it as that. Doesn't mean my home with dh isnt my home, it very much is

No, kids who see their father EOW don’t have two homes, in fact they don’t even have two parents in any meaningful sense, and they aren’t in a blended family. They have a mother who raises them, and a glorified “fun uncle” who doesn’t.

My best friend growing up had amicably divorced parents and their dad purchased a house four doors down on the same street- the kids would go back and forth between the two, they definitely felt they had two homes. I think the set up was wonderful for the kids if you can still be friendly with your ex.

I think sometimes it happens but it's quite rare and in most cases, mum's house is home and dad's house is dad's house.

Like posters above, my SD always had her own room etc. She's an adult now with her own house so no more sleepovers! But it was still very much dad's house. We had a great time together, etc, and did family trips and all the usual things but the fact was that her mother's house was her home and her siblings from her mother were 'more' her siblings than my children because of that.

It's not even necessarily a bad thing, I think. She's closer with those siblings but that doesn't negate the relationship she has with my kids or the life we had together.

I mean if the child has two bedrooms a safe space to live and space to be themselves in the home well both homes I’d say they do.

It's really hard for a child to feel at home in a house they only spend two weekends a month in even with their own space- particularly if dad (or mum) has a new family with children that do live their full time.