To think kids in blended families don’t have two homes

[StRidiculous]

In EOWE type scenarios where the vast majority of time is spent with one parent, I don’t think the children believe they have two homes at all.

DH ties himself in knots correcting SC when they refer to their mum’s as home, and agonises about what he can do to make them feel more at home here too. I don’t think there’s anything he can do except have them more, which their mum and SC (who are old enough to have opinions listened to), don’t want.

Their mum seems to have changed tack in the past year or so, they’re growing up and closer to friends from school, and they’re parroting back things about how their mum’s is their real home.

And I think… Yeah? It is?

In my experience watching friends being single parents / separated:

Mum’s house is home
Dad’s home is dad’s house

I know that’s different if they have 50-50 custody and you can’t blanket everyone with the same label

Ahh, this is the real issue. Their father feels guilty and wants them to change their own views to make him feel better. They can call home wherever they want. If he is a decent parent he will let them.

I think it’s a combination of dad feeling guilty, mum pushing the narrative that she’s more important, and just the imbalance of time meaning that house feels more like home to them.

I genuinely don’t think there’s anything more we could do to make them feel at home here, and don’t think it benefits anyone to pretend. They’re always welcome, they are loved and supported here, but ultimately they live at their mum’s and visit us.

How long have they been split up? Did dad fight for more time when they first split up? EOW is very poor compared to many split families nowadays

They’ve been split since SC were pre-school, they’re now late primary. Mum was always a SAHM, then moved to the other side of town (for valid reasons - cheaper area and closer to her family, who were providing childcare).

DH used to have more time in the holidays and midweeks, but SC would rather be hanging out at their mum’s than in afterschool clubs or holiday clubs to facilitate being at ours. So it’s slipped to EOWE and half the holidays. As they age and get boy/girlfriends and part time jobs, I can only see them spending more time at their mum’s. She’s also slacker on homework / screen time / exercise which means there can be clashes here!

Unless they went really off the rails as teens, I can’t see SC or their mum agreeing to more time at ours.

Ah, I see. It is hard and sometimes hurtful when that distancing happens. The best that your husband and you can do is just to keep that welcome open. My SD is awful at staying in touch, replying to messages, answering calls etc.

I know that teen shift when we stop being main characters in their lives as much as friends exists but it's harder when that teen isn't living in your home the whole time. We've had no falling out and her mum has never been one to poison her against us, we're all really lucky that way and get on well, but still I know my DH gets upset when it feels that she's opting out of his life.

We kept her bedroom for her long after she stopped sleeping here 3 nights a week, she was the one who suggested one of her brothers should have it so he gets his own space. We checked that she was absolutely sure and we've kept it as a room that still has her things in as well as his and if she sleeps over (very very rarely now) he'll camp on the sofa or on my youngest's bunks.

She's still invited to every meal out, visits to family, holidays, mini trips, weddings, concerts, gigs, events etc and she'll opt in or out depending on her work shifts and her busy social life.

So, rather a long winded way of saying it's hard but keep the welcome open, keep reaching out, you can't force them to feel it's home but you and your DH can make and maintain it as a home for them to always be welcome in.

What is your goal for convincing everyone that your house isn't your SC's home? Genuinely curious?

From personal experience (of having divorced parents and spending far more time in one house than another), yes I considered both my homes. I had my parent there, and my own room and was treated like it was my home. This was even the case when my one parent moved to a new home where I never actually lived and didn't have my own room (I was at uni at that point). It was about how I was made to feel about being there.

I hope my children will always feel my house is their home regardless of circumstance.

People's odd belief that 2 homes is what should be happening or everything is terrible is the problem. Who said children should definitely view both homes as equal? If I had a holiday home in Wales that I went to every month I wouldn't see it as completely the same as the house I live it Monday-Friday.

The blended family thing is a red herring. Some set ups are better then others, some have more people on, some have less. It's completely individual.

I wanted to canvass views because DH and I clearly have very different opinions on the matter.

Now I’m a mum myself, having been a stepmum for years, if DH and I split, I’d want to have DC more. I think having a stable home with the more available parent is preferable to regular switching between houses and additional caregivers.

So I don’t think having home and Dad’s house is necessarily a bad thing.

I agree actually, and my parents had actually agreed 50/50 but I was older and naturally started spending more time at one house. in my own experience 50/50 was dreadful for so many reasons, and I'd not want that for my kids either.

It still didn't mean I didn't feel like I had two homes and that I could always go to the other.

If I were your DH I would consider why your SC doesn't feel like your house is a home, and try work on addressing that.

“If I were your DH I would consider why your SC doesn't feel like your house is a home, and try work on addressing that.”

Well, this is what he’s trying to do, but that’s kind of what I disagree with you on - I don’t think there’s a problem that needs to be addressed. They’re happy here, they’re loved, they just happen to spend more time at their mum’s so that’s where they call home.

DH is upset by it, and is trying to “fix” it by correcting their language and buying them stuff but to me, it’s not something that needs to be fixed?

On that one I do disagree. It's good for children to feel "at home" with both their parents. I can't help but wonder if you stance is just because it's easier for you to not make the effort to make your SC feel at home/ change the behaviours that are making her feel like that because, to me, it would at least be worth a really good try.

Does DH have common interests with DC that he can do with them outside allotted time/communicate with them about, so to keep communication open even if not actually seeing them in person?

@StRidiculous and if you did split up and your DC wanted more time with dad would you agree to that, even if meant less time with them than you wanted?

I grew up with 2 older half brothers ie: DDad’s sons, DM’s step sons. They had EOWE access. They had their own rooms etc, but they always said it wasn’t home, because we didn’t live near their friends. At home they’d be out with their mates on a Saturday afternoon. At ours they had to hang out with their little sisters! (They had one of them at home too!).

Is your DH just getting really caught up on language here? There is a difference between your home where you live (which is their mum's house really, with the way your time is split) and other people's houses where you can still 'feel at home', or not feel at home.

I feel perfectly able to make myself a cuppa, or some lunch, put the telly on, take myself off to read a book or whatever when we go to my in laws. I would never dream of referring to their house as home. Likewise, I help myself to whatever I want and still have a bedroom at my parents house, where I grew up, and also do not refer to their house as home.

If we are staying somewhere else I might say 'let's go home' meaning let's go back to wherever we are staying (someone else's house, hotel, holiday villa etc) but that's just easy language to use, doesn't mean I think any of those places are my actual home.

If your SC feel comfortable and loved and welcome in the 2 days a fortnight they are with you, it doesn't really matter if they see your house as 'home' or not. And that's what your DH should be focusing on, the feeling not the language.

I don’t think it matters if they consider themselves having 2 homes or not, but it’s imperative they know that either house could be their home where they’ll be greeted warmly and know they’re safe. So l do think language is important. I would refer to your house as their home even if they don’t purely to reinforce the choice they have.

If you were to ask them what would make them feel happier here, it would undoubtedly be buying them more stuff, hosting more sleepovers for their school friends and letting them follow mum’s rules (ie no homework, no tidying rooms).

I don’t think it’s beneficial to treat SC like visiting royalty. They’re treated the same as our DC when they’re here.

I think there's probably somewhere in the middle between letting them do what they want and not making any effort to make them feel comfortable enough to call your house their home.

We do refer to our house as home, because it’s our home too.

The correcting comes when, for instance, SC says “I’m going to wear that home” and DH says “you mean mum’s house; this is your home too.”

I can see SC eye rolling and I feel like doing it too!

I don’t know where you’re getting the idea that we don’t make them comfortable here. Please do give concrete examples of what we could be doing better.

Do you do things like sleepovers, host activities with their friends @StRidiculous

I would stop DH correcting them, that probably pushes them away rather than closer

Because your SC says it doesn't feel like home, and you agree that it isn't and shouldn't be their home.

My daughter is the same. She has 2 nights at her dad’s one week, 3 nights the next so a reasonable amount of time with him.
she still refers to my house as “home” and the other is “dads”.

Actually makes me really sad as I’d like her to feel that both are her homes. However, there’s a whole back story as to why she doesn’t feel that way but I’ll avoid going off on a tangent!