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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband and food

79 replies

WinterGold · 24/02/2026 14:01

My husband is in his late 70s and has physical health issues, not helped by his weight. I’m 20 years younger.

He is always fussing about his next meal and at what time. He doesn’t have to, but eats religiously by the clock, not when he is peckish or hungry. For example, we are currently on holiday and he ate a huge meal last night, has had a full English breakfast, mid morning snacks - just because they were available - and is already anxious about where we are going to eat tonight. We are currently relaxing and not expending that much energy either.

He’s not that much different at home sadly, I have to be very specific and ask him not to help himself if I don’t want to go to the fridge and find ingredients I got planned for a meal already raided. Our adult son recently bought some chocolates for a work colleague who was leaving, only to find the box opened and half eaten and he will think nothing of demolishing a whole large bar of fruit and nut alone. It’s like if it’s there, he can’t forget about it until he’s had it. He’s also a very fast eater and won’t think twice about helping himself to food I’m still eating. I’ve even jokingly threatened to spear his hand with my fork if he keeps doing it! We’ve even been at friends’ houses for a meal and he’ll either start eating first, help himself to seconds before being offered or others have finished.

In view of his health issues, I've tried steering him away from the ultra processed stuff or suggested smaller portions, but I get accused of being controlling and that how is he expected to “survive” on lighter meals. I enjoy food and feel it should be relished and appreciated, not got on board as ASAP.

He’s showing no signs of any cognitive decline before anyone asks, but I could just do with some pointers of kind ways to encourage him to slow down and chill. I would add his mother, when she was alive, was also very similar.

OP posts:
Sartre · 24/02/2026 17:25

I’ll be frank at risk of upsetting you… Average life expectancy for men in the UK is currently 79. You said he’s late 70s so you can work this out… He could of course live to 100, some do but in all likelihood he doesn’t have many years left. Let him enjoy the rest of his life.

ginasevern · 24/02/2026 17:30

@WinterGold Boredom can lead to over eating OP. I take it he's been retired for some time and doesn't have any particular interests? Food gives him something to look forward to and he's probably clock watching for lunchtime, dinner time etc. It's basically his hobby. Having said that, I really do think he's too old to change his ways significantly now. But I'd personally slap his hands hard every time he tried to take seconds before everyone else. Boredom doesn't translate to boorish.

TheMorgenmuffel · 24/02/2026 17:33

I think you need to start saying no to the selfish behaviours
How much he eats is out of your control but taking your food, taking other people's food etc that is something that he needs to be told to stop. And not in a joking way either. When he reaches for your food tell him no. And mean it.

suki1964 · 24/02/2026 17:43

Mums 87 and she would pick around a "healthy option" meal yet lash the fish and chips in her, the Chinese, the chips etc - foods that we ( me and DH) prefer to have as a treat

She's on palliative care right now and the only thing she's eaten this week in hospital was the jam sponge and custard

Where she can barely raise her head, she had surprising strength when I took her up her favourite chocolate bar :)

I went through the same when Step dad come to his later years - wouldn't eat a dinner but could manage a spotted dick and custard

Mum was born in 38 and grew up with rationing She thought she had made it when she could shop at Marks and live on ready meals and she has developed a taste for fat rich foods. And food has always been her treat and reward and to her her standing in life

I was born in 64 and meals were very restrictive. We didnt get snacks, meat was tiny portions, the plates were filled with cheap tasteless veg - spuds, marrow, swede, greens - all boiled to within an inch of its life . We ate what was on the plate or waited till the next meal time . Ive also struggled with food , when I was earning and could afford to as a younger woman - yep take aways . Then in the 90s when money was plentiful and time was short - ready meals, eating out and take aways. Its only these past few years that Ive managed to change it around and now and back eating at meal times, proper cooked tasty food and no longer graze " because its there "

Food restriction/food poverty in early life has long lasting effects

Marinel · 24/02/2026 17:52

I would take him to task for some of his behaviours like stealing other people's food, or helping himself before it's dished up. That is just selfish and rude.

But aside from that, you are unlikely to get anywhere. He's nearly 80, he isn't suddenly going to start eating better for health reasons. As a PP said, who knows how long he's got left, he may as well enjoy his food. As he is considerably older than you his mindset is likely to be different from yours.

If you do a lot of the cooking and shopping, you can buy healthy food and refuse to buy stuff like big slabs of chocolate for him. If he wants chocolate he goes and gets it himself. But I think that's the limit of what you can do really.

WinterGold · 24/02/2026 18:02

Thank you for your contributions - truly appreciated and some excellent points raised.

He’s always enjoyed good food but as I said earlier, was also a lot more discerning. He always had a great appreciation of fine dining but now It just seems as though he just wants to eat stodgy crap, and plenty of it. Perhaps I’m the problem and I just need to let go bit too? I’m just sad that he seems to have no interest in keeping himself fit anymore, but I guess that’s his choice.

OP posts:
Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 24/02/2026 18:06

Brightlittlecanary · 24/02/2026 17:17

Honestly these answers bewilder me, when I’m knocking on 80 quite frankly rhe last thing I’d be worried about is attractive personality traits. I fully intend to ear what I want when I want. And enjoy my life. Clearly not other people’s food. But past that, nope;

What's unattractive is not that he likes to have large helpings, it's that no food is safe from him (taking chocolates his son had bought as a present for someone else, for example) and that he wolfs his food down and goes back for seconds before others have finished. Really unattractive behaviour and very bad manners.

Kalanthe · 24/02/2026 18:09

I’d say fat jabs is the only thing that could help him unfortunately

Keroppi · 24/02/2026 18:12

Tell him he needs to sort out his rudeness and greediness especially in public as it's embarrassing. Tell him if he can't control himself to go to the dr
Tell him his manners in public etc are unattractive and he should change. Men sometimes respond to that.

Let him eat how he wants at home but maybe make it clear you're not going to be his carer if he ends up as big as a house and bed bound lol
He shouldnt be eating other people's treats or dinners, that's pure selfish gluttony. Maybe have a shelf off limits for him and he needs to agree to leave it alone otherwise he seriously needs to go the GP for binge eating disorder referral if he eats other people's foods uncontrollably! Some people actually have great success w hypnotherapy actually if he's not willing to go on the jabs

Perhaps he needs to watch my 700lb life !

firstofallimadelight · 24/02/2026 18:15

Don’t buy it in? Put a note on foods that are off limits or keep them out of sight?
Who cooks? Could you take on cooking and aim for some healthier meals?

CandiedPrincess · 24/02/2026 18:17

Jeez, he's in his late 70s, let him get on with it.

Mythoughts1 · 24/02/2026 18:22

It's difficult if he doesn't think he has a problem. Does he go for annual GP general health checks? My son had a huge appetite for lots of carbs and sweets and turned out he was diabetic (blood test results). A referral to a good dietician could help but again your Husband would need to be on board with that.

Sparkletastic · 24/02/2026 18:22

Would it help to tell him you want him to be with you and in good health for as long as possible but if he carries on like this you may be a widow sooner rather than later?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/02/2026 18:24

My Dad has the first part of this - already worrying what the next meal will be whilst eating the last one.

My exh had the second bit - not being able
to rest if there’s easy or treat food in the house, especially if he’s been told it’s not for him. Absolutely maddening. He’d eat the bits of cake the kids brought home from parties. When DD went to a sushi making party when she was around 11 he ate the sushi even though she’d marked it not for him to eat 😡😡

Heisminenothers · 24/02/2026 18:29

Do you think he is comfort eating to fill a gap in his life? He must be feeling quite uncomfortable physically at that weight too.

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 24/02/2026 18:31

WinterGold · 24/02/2026 16:49

He does have very high blood pressure, prostate cancer and a multitude of pills - but I guess some of the comments are right, a change of lifestyle will make little difference now anyway.

Tbf, he IS reasonable and moderate in other ways and because I care about him, I do find it hard to see him not caring for himself. Even if he moved a little more, I’d be happy, but apart from being interested in his next meal, he spends quite a lot of time sleeping off the previous one.

Sadly, I might have to accept this is the inevitability of him getting older although in my mind, I don’t want to see him give up on his health yet.

I'm guessing he has high cholesterol too? A heart attack waiting to happen 🥺

Enrichetta · 24/02/2026 18:35

Jeez, he's in his late 70s, let him get on with it.

Honestly these answers bewilder me, when I’m knocking on 80 quite frankly … I fully intend to ear what I want when I want.

I’m guessing both of you are at least a decade or two off turning 70, 80…

Neglecting one’s health when one is getting old, and dealing with the inevitable consequences - high blood pressure, heart problems, diabetes, kidney impairment… These are chronic conditions that go hand in hand with a poor diet and obesity. It’s not usually a quick way to go either.

ViciousCurrentBun · 24/02/2026 18:41

I have always eaten healthily but have naturally high cholesterol, thanks genetics. If I make it past 75 I think I’m going to say fuck it and eat whatever I want. How long do people really think people should live for. I suppose as you are 20 years younger so only late fifties so it must however be upsetting for you.

Eating the chocolate and robbing food off your plate is really not on though, but 3 or 4 sausages isn’t that much. Maybe you are just a really nice reasonable woman who will dance round the edges of a problem very politely. DH attempted to lick his plate when we were first together. I said he could have a trough in the garden and I wouldn’t eat with him and I meant it.

CandiedPrincess · 24/02/2026 18:55

Enrichetta · 24/02/2026 18:35

Jeez, he's in his late 70s, let him get on with it.

Honestly these answers bewilder me, when I’m knocking on 80 quite frankly … I fully intend to ear what I want when I want.

I’m guessing both of you are at least a decade or two off turning 70, 80…

Neglecting one’s health when one is getting old, and dealing with the inevitable consequences - high blood pressure, heart problems, diabetes, kidney impairment… These are chronic conditions that go hand in hand with a poor diet and obesity. It’s not usually a quick way to go either.

Given my family history and all the restrictions I have at this point to keep myself healthy, if I get to late 70s I’ll eat whatever the hell I like. Let’s be real, life is time-limited by then regardless of the healthiest of diets.

Brightlittlecanary · 24/02/2026 18:56

Enrichetta · 24/02/2026 18:35

Jeez, he's in his late 70s, let him get on with it.

Honestly these answers bewilder me, when I’m knocking on 80 quite frankly … I fully intend to ear what I want when I want.

I’m guessing both of you are at least a decade or two off turning 70, 80…

Neglecting one’s health when one is getting old, and dealing with the inevitable consequences - high blood pressure, heart problems, diabetes, kidney impairment… These are chronic conditions that go hand in hand with a poor diet and obesity. It’s not usually a quick way to go either.

Oh cmon he’s nearly 80, he’s made it this long, I’m sure if there were health issues she’d have mentioned It; Christ I onow at that age I will eat as many sausages and chocolates as I please.

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 24/02/2026 18:58

Brightlittlecanary · 24/02/2026 18:56

Oh cmon he’s nearly 80, he’s made it this long, I’m sure if there were health issues she’d have mentioned It; Christ I onow at that age I will eat as many sausages and chocolates as I please.

My Dad lived til he was 96. Went running every day til he was 94. He definitely didn't see 80 as old 😊

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 24/02/2026 18:59

Are meal times the only things he looks forward to? Is food is only source of comfort?
Plainly, is he alright in himself?

ERthree · 24/02/2026 19:19

It would seem that food restrictions like rationing and scarcity having an effect on people for life is nonsense according to many on MN. It seems only modern MH issues and parents allowing sweets that cause eating problems.

Hazlenuts2016 · 24/02/2026 19:26

My partner used to fill up on cheap milk chocolate in the evenings. I stopped buying it and he now eats smaller amounts of very dark chocolate. Maybe think of some other snacking alternatives like popcorn instead of crisps. And he could chew gum as well if hes eating out of boredom. Otherwise, jabs sound like a good idea.

Enrichetta · 24/02/2026 20:27

Some people seem to think you can get to, say, 70 or 80, then stop taking care of yourself and just eat/drink any old rubbish. It really, really doesn’t work that way, for most people. Dying of obesity and diabetes related conditions and complications is not a quick or easy way to jump off this mortal coil. For most people these conditions will be chronic, with gradual and painful deterioration over several years.

I have watched relatives and their friends going through this and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. That’s before you consider that most everyday things are easier if one is reasonably fit and healthy. Not to mention the fact that healthy, unadulterated foods taste way nicer than UPF cr@p.

I’m in my 70s and I ski, swim, play tennis, ice skate, cycle, run 400 metres or so with my granddaughter. Why would I want to be lounging on the sofa eating crisps, pizza, chocolate, et cetera.

These things become more real and scary once you find that many obituaries one reads are for people who are younger than me.

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