Husband and food

[WinterGold]

My husband is in his late 70s and has physical health issues, not helped by his weight. I’m 20 years younger.

He is always fussing about his next meal and at what time. He doesn’t have to, but eats religiously by the clock, not when he is peckish or hungry. For example, we are currently on holiday and he ate a huge meal last night, has had a full English breakfast, mid morning snacks - just because they were available - and is already anxious about where we are going to eat tonight. We are currently relaxing and not expending that much energy either.

He’s not that much different at home sadly, I have to be very specific and ask him not to help himself if I don’t want to go to the fridge and find ingredients I got planned for a meal already raided. Our adult son recently bought some chocolates for a work colleague who was leaving, only to find the box opened and half eaten and he will think nothing of demolishing a whole large bar of fruit and nut alone. It’s like if it’s there, he can’t forget about it until he’s had it. He’s also a very fast eater and won’t think twice about helping himself to food I’m still eating. I’ve even jokingly threatened to spear his hand with my fork if he keeps doing it! We’ve even been at friends’ houses for a meal and he’ll either start eating first, help himself to seconds before being offered or others have finished.

In view of his health issues, I've tried steering him away from the ultra processed stuff or suggested smaller portions, but I get accused of being controlling and that how is he expected to “survive” on lighter meals. I enjoy food and feel it should be relished and appreciated, not got on board as ASAP.

He’s showing no signs of any cognitive decline before anyone asks, but I could just do with some pointers of kind ways to encourage him to slow down and chill. I would add his mother, when she was alive, was also very similar.

I'd make sure he had good life insurance cover - and give him extra 🍟

Has he always been like this OP?
Does he prepare the food and see the work involved?
Is he reasonable and moderate in other areas of his life?

At 5ft 10 and 16 stone he’s not that bad, and he’s nearly 80. Does he have health issues like high blood pressure etc? I think if not I’d leave him to it. Of course eating others food isn’t ok or the chocolates, but I think if I was knocking on 80 and wanted to eat whatever I fancied I’d really not wish to be told no.

Unless money is an issue or health issues you’ve not mentioned, honestly at nearly 80 I think let him enjoy himself.

Buy and cook less food don't keep any chocs in the house apart from a secret stash for yourself.

I'd say there are two separate issues, one being what he eats, when he wants to eat and how much of it, which I don't think you can control as much.

The other is him being rude at other people's houses with hovering, eating food early, eating seconds without being asked etc. I don't know if you can change it at his age but this is manners as much as food habits so worth pulling him up on.

Well, as others said, he won't change, because he got used to something.
It's not ageist, I'm 46 and wouldn't like to, either.
"Greedy selfish pig" is a bit too much, imo.
By the way, my husband is 75 and if anything, he eats far less. He used to be pretty athletic, but simply cannot fit that much in anymore and doesn't have that big appetite. Very sweet tooth, though. As he says, only one. 😀
I get that it's annoying, but I don't get the amount of rage here.

He does have very high blood pressure, prostate cancer and a multitude of pills - but I guess some of the comments are right, a change of lifestyle will make little difference now anyway.

Tbf, he IS reasonable and moderate in other ways and because I care about him, I do find it hard to see him not caring for himself. Even if he moved a little more, I’d be happy, but apart from being interested in his next meal, he spends quite a lot of time sleeping off the previous one.

Sadly, I might have to accept this is the inevitability of him getting older although in my mind, I don’t want to see him give up on his health yet.

Couldn't put it better. ☝️

Your Husband was born during rationing, i am sure that had a life long effect on some people. He does need to be told not to eat gifts for other people though.

I would be on him for the rudeness, I don't care how old you are you don't act like he does at other peoples houses, he sounds entitled and greedy.

Remember when you first got together and people warned you of the downside of getting with someone 20 years old?

This is the type of thing they meant.

16 stone is 101.6 kg, so he is very seriously obese. Not to mention extremely rude and gluttonous if he cannot control his eating and steals other people’s food.

How much exercise does he do - even if it’s just walking?

I am guessing this is the tail end of a lifetime of not looking after himself, so the pattern is set and he is unlikely to change.

Can you control the amount and type of food in the house? Is shopping daily an option, ensuring that there is only enough food for that day’s meals?

The only other option is to turn a blind eye and let him eat himself to death nature take its course.

Focus on the horrible bad manners he is prone to. Make him realise how awful that is, and let him eat what he wants that's on HIS plate and not the food of others. Life's getting a bit short now for any healthy eating worries on his part. If he's not concerned about blood pressure or anything else, I'd leave him to it.

But I'd go apeshit at bad table manners and I'd get that fork sharpened for stabbling the back of his hand pronto!

Tbh if he has food anxiety and is over eating in a way he hasn’t previously I would speak to his GP and check for Alzheimers. I know that may not be what you might want to hear but eating other people’s food without considering them and binge eating is a common sign.

It’s not seriously obese it’s bmi 32.

Of course he can make changes we are never too old for that! I’ve worked with many older people following stroke, amputation and other life changing conditions and basically they HAVE to make changes.
But he doesn’t want to!
As we get older we need less calories and as he has become unwell he’s probably comfort eating if he isn’t very active. He isn’t too old to use a gym and moderate his eating habits having fruit and yogurt instead of chocolate.
It’s really hard for anyone of any age but he has to want to make changes.
Is he open to any suggestions? Would the GP refer to your local sports centre for monitored exercise?
So frustrating for you!
Sad to say that worse case scenario is his deterioration and you becoming his full time career for however long. Is that what he wants? Can you couch it in those terms?

Not the rationing again. He can't have been born earlier than 1946, probably not far off 1950. All rationing ended in 1954 and people didn't starve during those years. The enforced healthy balanced diet and the introduction of the NHS and the welfare state meant that people's health was pretty good. What's more, most people of that age have not become gluttons who can't leave food alone, even if it belongs to others. This is an unattractive personality trait that could affect anyone of any age.

Honestly these answers bewilder me, when I’m knocking on 80 quite frankly rhe last thing I’d be worried about is attractive personality traits. I fully intend to ear what I want when I want. And enjoy my life. Clearly not other people’s food. But past that, nope;

Work together to develop some sort of organization in the kitchen to indicate which ingredients or items are earmarked for specific purposes and unavailable.

If he gets grabby with your plate, tell him off.

otherwise, let the man be. Some people are fine with one big meal for the day. Other people will get hungry again. Everyone’s body is different.

The man is perfectly entitled to have a meal if he wants. You aren’t obligated to do the work of providing that meal or cleaning up after, but don’t get in his way.

Has he always been like this though or is it a recent change in behaviour ?

I think OP he probably doesn’t have a very full life, so his world has become a bit small and hence food is used to fill that void - I’ve seen it both ways with people in their late 70s, ones eating like sparrows and ones who are ever present at the 3 course pensioners lunches that some places have ( and eat the lot) - I think you will struggle to change it but wonder if he could do with finding something else to focus on and certainly I would control the issues around eating your ingredients, finishing your food etc - just say it’s really inconsiderate and rude

My parents are early 70s and I would say my dad is similar in eating at set times. I think it's just part of a daily routine which at that age they become accustomed to.
They don't however eat massive portions or loiter around food.

I think you need to separate out the issues. Eating a good meal is perhaps fine and accept you won't change him now. Perhaps he knows it's unhealthy but feels at this age why should he bother changing and that he has had a good life (a bit like someone who smokes, if they are in their 70s they might not see the point in quitting as they feel they have had a long life and why stop something they enjoy).

The rudeness however I would address. What happens when he his hanging around the food at someone else's house? Unless it's a buffet why aren't you or his own children telling him to sit down and you will bring his plate over.

I'm having sausage, chips and beans for dinner tonight. Two Lidl cheddar and bacon sausages, Lidl baked beans and chip shop chips. Lidl

I'd be really annoyed about the chocolate gift for someone else and food meant for a meal being greedily devoured though.

I think I wouldn't focus so much on what he is eating at the table, but I would have to say something about the fridge raiding, especially someone else's food or food you had bought for meals later in the week. There is no real excuse for this.

Could you shop more often - so less in the fridge to raid?

Or put stuff that is needed later in the week into Tupperware so it's not in immediate view?