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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder if raising children is worth it?

259 replies

Theresa88 · 24/02/2026 08:58

I have a 3.5 year old and 11 month year old. Everyday feels like a massive struggle and im just over motherhood, which is clearly not ideal when im only just getting started. Sometimes I regret the second child and regret having any at all. It feels like all this work and effort to raise them into a good person, and then they may just go off the rails as a teenager and/or decide not to have a relationship with you as an adult. Can someone tell me the hard years will pay off eventually? :(

OP posts:
saltandvinegarpringles · 25/02/2026 08:11

As someone who doesn’t have children I personally don’t understand why anyone would put themselves through it all - it looks bloody miserable.

CharlotteRumpling · 25/02/2026 08:14

saltandvinegarpringles · 25/02/2026 08:11

As someone who doesn’t have children I personally don’t understand why anyone would put themselves through it all - it looks bloody miserable.

I could explain but if you are happy as you are, carry on.
I will just say that discussing books and art we love and going to the theatre with my DD has been the high point of my life. Better than anything. So it's a long slog from the OPs stage. But for some of us, worth it.

Mrscharlieeeee · 25/02/2026 08:19

Those ages are so tough. Mine are 12 and 8 now and while there are different challenges such as navigating friendships, puberty etc, life is pretty sweet now. We’re not in the full blown teenage phase yet, the kids are great company and still want to do things with us, our oldest goes out with friends and organises his social life pretty much himself, our youngest will take himself off to the field behind us to play football. I love them so much and being able to provide a nice life and take care of them brings me great joy.

I can’t say if you will feel the same eventually but I very much hope you do.

Ladymuffins · 25/02/2026 08:21

SlantOfLight · 24/02/2026 16:14

Yes, it's odd. I have a child, but because I thought it would be an interesting thing to do. I've never felt a moment of anything recognisable as broodiness. Or, for that matter, social pressure to have a child. Or to have a second one, after having one.

I was exactly the same! So glad I'm not the only one! Everyone else I've spoken to felt an urge, a need to have a child.

How has your experience been so far?

HappyAsASandboy · 25/02/2026 08:22

I think “pay off” is a weird concept here. It won’t “pay off” in terms of your child giving you some love/attention/time/performance that returns the energy/love/care/worry you have invested.

Having children is a lifestyle choice now. Unfortunately it is one that you can’t change your mind on! But life can be enjoyable with kids along for the ride. They’re mostly interesting, funny and kind and so they mostly add to life rather than take away from it.

My advice is to try and reframe the “pay off” sentiment though. It implies that this is a project or a phase and at the end there will be reward. It’s not like that at all - parenthood goes on forever. There is change, but not an end to it.

Try not to spend too much time wondering whether this lifestyle choice was the right one, because you can’t change it whatever you decide. Try to make life easier and more fun however you can in the phase you’re it. And know that everything will keep changing anyway because of time.

SlantOfLight · 25/02/2026 08:34

Ladymuffins · 25/02/2026 08:21

I was exactly the same! So glad I'm not the only one! Everyone else I've spoken to felt an urge, a need to have a child.

How has your experience been so far?

It’s been great. Tough enough at times, particularly when he was a baby, as all our families are in our home country (DS was born in London), and we had to move while I was still on mat leave to a part of the country where we knew no one, so no childcare unless paid for, and then moved internationally again when he was 7 just before the first Covid lockdown, but good.

He’s about to turn 14, and a quirky, maddening, clever, lazy, loveable individual. It’s fascinating watching someone you made grow into their own person. I’m very glad I had him, but I was happy before and would have continued to enjoy my life had I stayed childfree, as I’d planned for my entire adult life (I had him at 40).

But, to go along with the ‘pay off’ idea (though I agree with pps it’s a slightly weird one), it’s more than ‘paid off’ so far. But my only expectation or hope was that parenting would be interesting, and it has been!

TittyGajillions · 25/02/2026 08:35

mrsgilfeathers · 25/02/2026 03:47

Nothing, absolutely NOTHING in this world would EVER have made me give motherhood a try!!! There’s never been a time in my life when I’ve ever wanted to have children.

Same. I worked with children for a long time and although I enjoyed it it only cemented the fact that I didn't want my own.

saltandvinegarpringles · 25/02/2026 08:39

CharlotteRumpling · 25/02/2026 08:14

I could explain but if you are happy as you are, carry on.
I will just say that discussing books and art we love and going to the theatre with my DD has been the high point of my life. Better than anything. So it's a long slog from the OPs stage. But for some of us, worth it.

But I can do all those things with other adults without giving birth, raising another human and sacrificing a good 20+ years of my life 🫣

Nothing about it appeals to me in the slightest - I’d be overwhelmed within about 2 minutes 🤣

CharlotteRumpling · 25/02/2026 08:43

saltandvinegarpringles · 25/02/2026 08:39

But I can do all those things with other adults without giving birth, raising another human and sacrificing a good 20+ years of my life 🫣

Nothing about it appeals to me in the slightest - I’d be overwhelmed within about 2 minutes 🤣

Definitely. I go to the theatre with my friends too..But it's different with my DD. Way more fun and meaningful. Also I don't really think of it as sacrificing 20 years. Because it's not as grim as that. From about the age of 5, my kids were great company. Then around teen stage, not such good company. Now again good company, but very busy

But I am not here to convince anyone. Everyone has a different path.

SlantOfLight · 25/02/2026 08:57

saltandvinegarpringles · 25/02/2026 08:11

As someone who doesn’t have children I personally don’t understand why anyone would put themselves through it all - it looks bloody miserable.

I certainly grew up thinking that, with good reason. I’m the eldest of a large, poor family, born to parents who had far more children than they could afford, economically or emotionally. I’d done too much parenting myself by the time I’d turned 12 to be anything other than perfectly sure that I wasn’t going to have children. I got out of poverty via education, had and have a fulfilling career and a satisfying life, married and lived in various different countries. I was happy. All of my siblings are childfree by choice.

It just occurred to me one day, aged 39, that I didn’t want my unhappy childhood to define me in terms of whether or not I had a child. I reasoned that I was better educated, more at peace with myself, had more money and time and work flexibility than my parents, so my experience of being a parent was going to be different, and that even if it turned out to be less interesting than I hoped, I would still make a decent parent. And in fact it has been interesting, though as a lovely addition to an already good life, not some kind of transformation of it.

Which is obviously not to advocate that other people should become parents if they have no great urge to, only that for me, with one child, born when I was senior enough in my career for flexibility, with a hands-on, fully involved father, parenthood hasn’t been the drudgery I’d viewed it as from outside.

Thepeopleversuswork · 25/02/2026 08:57

I do think, reading this thread, that a huge amount of people who are having children just because its what you do would have been far happier not having them.

Being a mother suits some people down to the ground, it makes others utterly miserable. To some extent thats a lottery.

But we are all brainwashed from childhood into thinking that being a parent is the pinnacle of our life’s achievement. No wonder so many people sleepwalk into it because they can’t about anything else to do.

This current low birth rate rhetoric isn’t helping at all: bullying more women into having kids they don’t want.

We need to do a much better job of educating girls about what motherhood involves and what the alternatives are. So many women would have had better lives if they’d had no or fewer children.

CharlotteRumpling · 25/02/2026 08:58

SlantOfLight · 25/02/2026 08:57

I certainly grew up thinking that, with good reason. I’m the eldest of a large, poor family, born to parents who had far more children than they could afford, economically or emotionally. I’d done too much parenting myself by the time I’d turned 12 to be anything other than perfectly sure that I wasn’t going to have children. I got out of poverty via education, had and have a fulfilling career and a satisfying life, married and lived in various different countries. I was happy. All of my siblings are childfree by choice.

It just occurred to me one day, aged 39, that I didn’t want my unhappy childhood to define me in terms of whether or not I had a child. I reasoned that I was better educated, more at peace with myself, had more money and time and work flexibility than my parents, so my experience of being a parent was going to be different, and that even if it turned out to be less interesting than I hoped, I would still make a decent parent. And in fact it has been interesting, though as a lovely addition to an already good life, not some kind of transformation of it.

Which is obviously not to advocate that other people should become parents if they have no great urge to, only that for me, with one child, born when I was senior enough in my career for flexibility, with a hands-on, fully involved father, parenthood hasn’t been the drudgery I’d viewed it as from outside.

Edited

I expect this makes a difference. I was one of only 2, with decent parents who had lots of time. Still have a very close and loving relationship with my mum.

MichaelmasDaisiesAndAutumSunset · 25/02/2026 09:00

I remember feeling like this. It passes, and comes back, and passes again. Mine are 8, 6 and 4, and we’re in a good phase at the moment but I’ve just had a horror 6 months.

Your ages are tough but it will improve. It is worth it. But you’re not alone in wondering if it was all a huge mistake.

saltandvinegarpringles · 25/02/2026 09:03

CharlotteRumpling · 25/02/2026 08:43

Definitely. I go to the theatre with my friends too..But it's different with my DD. Way more fun and meaningful. Also I don't really think of it as sacrificing 20 years. Because it's not as grim as that. From about the age of 5, my kids were great company. Then around teen stage, not such good company. Now again good company, but very busy

But I am not here to convince anyone. Everyone has a different path.

As long as you’re happy that’s what matters!

SlantOfLight · 25/02/2026 09:05

CharlotteRumpling · 25/02/2026 08:58

I expect this makes a difference. I was one of only 2, with decent parents who had lots of time. Still have a very close and loving relationship with my mum.

I think it does. My parents sleepwalked into marriage and children because you were supposed to. I’m certain they never had a conversation about family planning, or what kind of life they could offer their children. It’s not their fault — both were dragged up in deprived, dysfunctional families, and had no idea more was required for children than basic food, clothes and shelter. They had no idea how to parent because they were never parented and never really grew up themselves. I was always parentified, and by the time I was eight, I was withholding difficult stuff going on main my life from them, because they just got stressed and did nothing.

It taught me a lot about what not to do!

saltandvinegarpringles · 25/02/2026 09:06

@SlantOfLight I’m an only child and had a fantastic childhood with wonderfully caring parents I’m still very close to in my 30’s. I still can’t think of a much worse way to spend my life than raising a child 🤣

HangingOver · 25/02/2026 09:09

MammaBear1 · 25/02/2026 05:40

No not weird. Maybe your mother said it in a different way/context to mine.
I think about it a lot with quite a bit of sadness.

Yes potentially. She didn't use the exact words but it was heavily implied she had kids because it was the "done thing" and unless I really, really wanted to, I shouldn't have them. There's the additional factor of an inherited rare disease in my family. I understood what she meant and I wasn't offended.

I'm sorry yours upset you ❤️

Bbq1 · 25/02/2026 09:18

This is a sad thread. People regretting having their children and waiting for the "payoff". Why have 2 children if you don't want 1.Being with my ds as he grew up was wonderful and he's the best thing that ever happened to me. We are still great friends and he's 20 now. I think mothers regretting their children and having them for purely selfish reasons are in the minority.. Children aren't born to provide some sort of pay off.

Strawberriesandpears · 25/02/2026 09:18

Thepeopleversuswork · 25/02/2026 08:57

I do think, reading this thread, that a huge amount of people who are having children just because its what you do would have been far happier not having them.

Being a mother suits some people down to the ground, it makes others utterly miserable. To some extent thats a lottery.

But we are all brainwashed from childhood into thinking that being a parent is the pinnacle of our life’s achievement. No wonder so many people sleepwalk into it because they can’t about anything else to do.

This current low birth rate rhetoric isn’t helping at all: bullying more women into having kids they don’t want.

We need to do a much better job of educating girls about what motherhood involves and what the alternatives are. So many women would have had better lives if they’d had no or fewer children.

I agree that the low birth rate rhetoric is intense. It's making me feel very guilty for not having children (even though I would actually like to have them).

SlantOfLight · 25/02/2026 09:19

saltandvinegarpringles · 25/02/2026 09:06

@SlantOfLight I’m an only child and had a fantastic childhood with wonderfully caring parents I’m still very close to in my 30’s. I still can’t think of a much worse way to spend my life than raising a child 🤣

But I don’t ’spend my life’ raising a child. Apart from on maternity leave, which I didn’t enjoy and cut short. My life isn’t much different to how it was before I had DS. He’s a delightful addition.

Thepeopleversuswork · 25/02/2026 09:23

Strawberriesandpears · 25/02/2026 09:18

I agree that the low birth rate rhetoric is intense. It's making me feel very guilty for not having children (even though I would actually like to have them).

It is: to be fair for millennia girls have drifted into having children because they can't think of anything better or more interesting to do. Or because their partner/spouse/family bullies them into doing it.

Let's be honest, it's been the default throughout much of human history that the sole purpose of a woman is to produce offspring. So not hugely surprising that a lot of people still carry this mindset.

But in this day and age, with female employment at its highest ever as a proportion of the workforce and more and more girls going into higher education we should be in a better position to push back against this.

Which is one reason is pisses me right off when people start handwringing about how few girls are having babies, like it's some sort of national duty.

It's not our job to cripple ourselves for the demographic good and people need to be open about the fact that having children can seriously curtail a woman's ability to have a fulfilling and economically independent life.

mrsgilfeathers · 25/02/2026 09:47

saltandvinegarpringles · 25/02/2026 08:39

But I can do all those things with other adults without giving birth, raising another human and sacrificing a good 20+ years of my life 🫣

Nothing about it appeals to me in the slightest - I’d be overwhelmed within about 2 minutes 🤣

Yes…I do all those things with my friends. In fact, my husband and I are off to
the theatre today. We’re going to a matinee performance, dinner in our favourite restaurant and staying over in a hotel. I didn’t need to have children to do any of these things!

CharlotteRumpling · 25/02/2026 09:48

mrsgilfeathers · 25/02/2026 09:47

Yes…I do all those things with my friends. In fact, my husband and I are off to
the theatre today. We’re going to a matinee performance, dinner in our favourite restaurant and staying over in a hotel. I didn’t need to have children to do any of these things!

Of course you don't.
I am saying my kids- mostly- add to my life and make it fun though.
Just like husbands do that for some people, and not for others though.

FloofBunny · 25/02/2026 09:50

JLou08 · 24/02/2026 23:10

Maybe you have the wrong mindset. It not about a 'pay off'. You bring a child into this world, you have to raise them. I know there is the cliché phrase about it being 'rewarding', I don't know anyone who actually feels that way though. I'm proud of my DC's, but I don't see that as my doing, they're their own people. It's their achievements, not mine. Maybe if I did a shit job of parenting they wouldn't be doing so well but I parented them as that was my responsibility, not because I thought it would provide me with any reward.

But surely you must have expected SOMETHING out of it, or you wouldn't have done it. Company, laughs, family togetherness? I think it's OK to have children because you want these things. None of us are charities simply having kids for the greater good of society and expecting no positive payoffs!

aBuffetofunreasonableness · 25/02/2026 09:50

Not sure I understand your reply OP. You want the government of your country to demonstrate their appreciation for your choice to have kids, and stop immigration?

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