To wonder if raising children is worth it?

[Theresa88]

I have a 3.5 year old and 11 month year old. Everyday feels like a massive struggle and im just over motherhood, which is clearly not ideal when im only just getting started. Sometimes I regret the second child and regret having any at all. It feels like all this work and effort to raise them into a good person, and then they may just go off the rails as a teenager and/or decide not to have a relationship with you as an adult. Can someone tell me the hard years will pay off eventually? :(

Of course your life is different compared to if you didn’t have a child 🫣 he costs you a lot of money, for starters!

I think OP, most (though not all) people get to a stage when they want something 'more' than just doing things for themselves. It's like there areally only so many trips, theatre, activities, friendships you can enjoy before it gets a bit .... meaningless, perhaps? I suppose people think about who/what they leave behind when they are gone - also, what is the point of your hard work if you have nobody to inherit the benefits! Who will remember you when you're gone? What is your legacy ... that kind of thing? Kids are hard work, sure, but they also give your life a totally different dimension - a different sense of purpose, continuity and connection. You have a higher purpose than yourself. You see life through their eyes and it's wonderful. You have so many special times to look forward to. Maybe you are depressed right now? It won't always be like this.

I am comfortably off, having had him at 40 when I was quite senior, and DH earns considerably more than I do, having moved fields from the one in which we both worked. Childcare would have been our main expense when he was younger, but he’s not expensive now in his teens. He doesn’t have expensive hobbies, attends a state school, and university is free here, if he stays in this country to study.

I think the key here is 'sacrificing'. Society has made you believe that you should in some way be a slave to your children, put them first in all things, give them the best despite yourself being depleted - that's probably what makes it miserable.

If you lose yourself to anything you'll regret and resent it.

I'm another one whose kids don't cost a ton of money. It's not obligatory

Right, but he still has a massive impact on your life and to say otherwise is just silly. It’s a bit like me saying my animals have little impact on my
life - of course they do!

Well, it depends on what you consider a ton of money - childcare, uniforms, clothes, food, nappies, formula, annual leave dedicated to kids, only being able to go away in school holidays, sick days…the list goes on.

I think OP, most (though not all) people get to a stage when they want something 'more' than just doing things for themselves. It's like there's only so many trips, theatre, activities, friendships you can enjoy before it gets a bit .... meaningless, perhaps?

Some of us can see the meaning these things have in and for themselves. Why should, for example, going to a dear, familiar place you love, or a place you have always wanted to go, going on a lovely walk, meeting a friend for coffee, sharing dinner with friends, not have meaning because you don’t have children? I wanted children but could not have them, and found your words hurtful.

@Firefly1987 and @HangingOver

I DO see huge benefits to having kids, and I still couldn't make myself want them. So in a way, I think people who want them are quite lucky. Think of all that community they have, via the school and getting to know other families locally. And being able to tell your children about their ancestors, if you knew your grandparents, and passing down family lore. And the times that the family is all home together and you have dinner together each night, and maybe TV/boardgame nights. And fun family holidays. Someone on here said how much more fun it was going to the theatre with her DD than with friends, which made me sad, because I KNOW I'm missing out on the good stuff.

For all that, I simply could not make myself want to do all the endless daily domestic drudgery for years on end, the work and worry and expense, the possibility that things could go very wrong, the hit to my career making me vulnerable to a man...there was just nothing in me that could make myself want all that. But mostly, it was the endless domesticity that killed the whole idea, the constant dressing and feeding and washing and cleaning...I just hated that whole idea. I don't want to cook a family meal every night, I don't want to get kids up and dressed and fed and taken to school every morning, I don't want to do packed lunches every day, and as for all the extra laundry and cleaning and shopping...I wish I could make myself want it but I never did. And lots of extra time spent with family wasn't a plus for me, either.

And it is hard to be the odd one out in society as a CF woman. I know there's a swathe of women who reach 45 without having kids, but I read studies which said only a small percentage of this slice are CF by choice. Which means that about 90 percent of women do want kids, and most actually do have them. And are wrapped up in the wonder of it all, leaving women like me twiddling our thumbs, basically. I expect when I'm older they'll all be wrapped up in their grandchildren, too. Sigh.

Yes, I would give a lot to have wanted them. I think in some ways it would have made life easier and less lonely, if given me a ton of extra boring work.

Replies like this make me feel slightly nauseous 🫣🤣

I am so sorry. I was responding to the OP because she sounds very depressed as if she can't see any purpose to her children. Of course there are many ways to find meaning from life. But the OP does have these young children and it's a shame she can't see what she has.

This makes me so sad, as a CF woman. I suppose it's natural to find outings with your kids as way more fun and meaningful than with your friends, but ouch.

(You might say that I could have had kids, but being CF was not a choice for me. I could not make myself want them, in the same way that you probably couldn't make yourself want to move to Iceland and wear orange all year, no matter how much you tried.)

Your children are very very young. Mine are almost 20 years older and I would 100% say it was worth it for me personally because having kids was one of my main life objectives/desires. However, if I was now making the decision whether to have kids, I wouldn’t necessarily do it. It’s hard to get basics these days in the UK - healthcare is hard to access, our educational standards are low with way too many kids per class and burnt out staff, housing is expensive and/or poor quality and graduate jobs are in low supply. The place my DH works at has just announced that they won’t take any graduates this year. None.

Neither of my kids intend to have their own children. Unless you have a heavy biological urge, it is not worth it.

Omg I would love to move to Iceland and wear orange all year. Amazing place and loads of fun!

It depends what you consider worth spending your money on. I'm not saying there aren't additional costs. There are additions costs to almost anything you choose to do.

You seem very insistent on telling me how much of an impact having a child must have on my life, when I’m the one who is the parent, and I’m telling you that not that much has changed from the 20-odd years of adult life where I was childfree.

Obviously, it would be different if I had lots of children, or was a single parent, or if DS had significant additional needs or a serious illness or we were struggling financially, and obviously it was more time-consuming when he was a baby, but my life as it has been for the last several years is far less confined than that of friends who have pet animals.

I travel for work and go on holiday much as before. Since the age of seven, he’s not attended a school with a uniform. We don’t live in the UK and there’s much less of a taboo on taking children out of school in termtime for holidays, so that’s not a constraint. It’s been years since he needed childcare, and our jobs are flexible enough to have needed fairly minimal amounts of it. I breastfed, so no formula. Friends passed on clothes from their children when he was small. Now he’s a teenager, he lives in repellent but inexpensive tracksuit bottoms etc. He goes to a school we can almost see from home, so no lengthy school runs.

I have friends with pets who almost never go away because of the cost of kennels or pet sitters, and friends dealing with prohibitive vet bills. I have a good friend who can’t be absent from home for more than about three hours because her nervy dogs go barky and crazy. If she goes away for a weekend it’s always to the same holiday cottage because it suits the dogs. Other friends are up at 5.30 year round because their dogs need a long walk before they go to work. And that’s not even mentioning the ones with horses.

At the moment for me, having a pet would be far more constraining than having a teenager.

Parenting is really tough. I have 9yo and 4yo sons. They are funny, incredibly bright, curious and beautiful little people - honestly. But they bicker, can be rude, moody, messy, ungrateful and loud. Sometimes I take the bad with the good and cruise through.... other days I shout and moan and nag. We're all human.

It can feel utterly relentless when everything is a battle - bedtime, bathtime, homework etc. It does get easier as they grow up (9yr old is generally far easier than 4yo for example) and they do become better company and you can begin to have shared interests, so you like them on a more personal level than simply the biological 'I'm their mum' feelings. My 9yo now comes running with me, and the other day we'd had a horror morning of him melting down about doing his homework, me nagging about the mess and then suddenly we were both out running and I felt just super proud and amazed that this boy is my son. Meanwhile, my 4yo is going through a stage of being a bit of dick... so its swings and roundabouts!

You're in the thick of it now. It gets better.

DH and I have spent some of happiest years with our two - they were easy interesting lovely dds who enjoy what we do. Have had so many trips and experiences with them. We are lucky though in that we all four get on well anyway. Some friends have kids who are just really different to them it’s often the luck of the draw.

For me it isn't about legacy, or what mark I leave on the world or what I leave behind, who will remember me etc....

For me my purpose is enjoyment of the time I have here. I just enjoy my life, have a lovely time doing all the things that make me happy and don't need to leave a legacy or be remembered. Life really is that simple for some.

Mine are early 20s. They are essentially lovely but struggle with their mental health don’t hasn’t been easy. Covid in their teen years was awful.
i still prefer this stage to early parenthood, which was relentless.
They say ‘bigger kids, bigger problems’ - but then logistically it’s much easier, they don’t need you every minute of the day etc.

A couple of generations down the line and nobody will remember you anyway.
I work hard for myself and my animals and various animal charities will benefit from my money when I die.

I don’t need children to feel like my life is meaningful.

My DD is 19 and at uni and its costing a lot!! (but not a reason to regret having her)

For me, the first 5 ish years were really really tough with sleep deprivation and a certain amount of cabin fever/relentlessness (I suffered with pnd after dc2 and my mum died when they were 4 and 1) but after that , so far, ive predominantly enjoyed parenting. And i find my teens good company but im lucky they are healthy and so far, not had major issues but I realise things can change.

I hope i never feel they weren't worth it, I think that sounds really tough for the parent and the child.

I’m not bothered about the legacy thing either. Re passing on genes, your “line” could come to an end in a few generations anyway…

It should get easier. The vast majority of childten turn into nice enough people.

My children are autistic and very hard work, one in specialist sen school. It is very hard day to day but I haven't ever truly regretted them.

Even though we have some very dark days I keep faith that they will grow into good people and fulfil their individual potential.

Agree totally. And with regards to "people get to a stage when they want something 'more' than just doing things for themselves."....

a lot of childfree people do things for other people/orgs/charities/societies/communities..... as if having children is the only way to "give back?!"

to that I say give over! 😂