To wonder if raising children is worth it?

[Theresa88]

I have a 3.5 year old and 11 month year old. Everyday feels like a massive struggle and im just over motherhood, which is clearly not ideal when im only just getting started. Sometimes I regret the second child and regret having any at all. It feels like all this work and effort to raise them into a good person, and then they may just go off the rails as a teenager and/or decide not to have a relationship with you as an adult. Can someone tell me the hard years will pay off eventually? :(

I'm with @TheoreticallyAdult

Most parents would say it is. Especially once they are adults.

I think having children is mostly really over rated tbh. Mine are adult now and just lovely, but hell it would have been so different, so much easier and absolutely fine not to have had them. Especially since they are now both having struggles earning enough money to actually live on.

This thread is so depressing!

What is it about her being this age that you find difficult where you still feel regret about having her?

OP the stage you are in is exhausting and all-consuming! I didn’t regret my children at any point but I did find it so hard. It is now much easier and I get to be my own person again. It’s hard now, but as they grow up try not to neglect your own needs and wants. It makes it far easier to be a good mum if you’re not resentful about it!

Ok it's the 👉 not, probably not good but actually alright 😆 unfortunately the test isn't correct, we'd like the opposite, thankyou ♥️

It's obviously personal to you. I was desperate for kids, it was what I can only describe as a biological urge. Yes of course it's challenging. Everything worth doing is. Maybe that's why pregnancy and childbirth is so long and such hard work. So we appreciate them when they arrive and are properly invested!

Honestly overall no I don't think most children are worth the stress of parenting.

I love mine but I wouldn't ever choose to have children again if I could start all over, no.

Nk I don't care lol, I care about it, and I like question wndeted so.... ?? Do yeah full what and why not, if we up to it let's do it

Once you get through the horror years of wrangling them (in/out of bed, clothes, nappies, getting food down them, stopping them running into the road, etc) then hopefully you get to have a relationship with them. I had some great times with my DD when she was little.

But anyway, it's a relationship with people - like you have with friends and relatives - but different, because you've seen them grow up and guided them, and spent so much time and effort with them, and as teens and older they challenge you like no other relationship. For me, it was worth it, but it was hard, and demanding, and I am glad they've grown up.

You will start feeling more like it’s “worth it” when they are in school and able to have a proper conversation with you. Before they go to school, you are working your arse off but you can’t really see or appreciate the result. When they are in school you get to see how much they are coming on and developing into people and it’s much more satisfying ime. You will probably feel more connected to the world and better supported too.
When they are able to hold a conversation and tell you things, make little jokes, start making you a Mother’s Day card or getting you a little birthday present by themselves, when they start to be considerate…then it starts paying off. The stage you’re at is thankless and can feel very alone. When I was at your stage in the height of it with pnd, a friend (actually a former teacher of mine) who had four teenagers told me it gets easier when they are able to give you something back. At the time I thought that sounded like a terrible, selfish thing to say but she was right.

I have 18 yo twins, now at university.

The baby and toddler tears were brutal and seemed endless.

But my children were absolutely worth it. They are both lovely, intelligent, interesting people. The world is a better place for having them in it.

As far as I can see from the families I know, the effort you put in at the toddler years pays off in the teenage years.

So if you work really hard now to parent them well now, each year after that should become easier.

There are no guarantees of course, but there is no guarantee that a child free life would have been easier/better/nicer long term.

Well you've had them now and can't send them back so make the most of the good bits and don't worry about what's going to happen in the future. You're building a relationship with them now that will help determine that and giving them a secure foundation will give them the best chance of success in the future

I think not having children is a totally legitimate choice and makes a lot of sense. I can see why people do not want to do the work and don’t see the appeal.

I have three, soon to be four children. I’ve had them in two ‘cohorts’ so I have a 13 and 12 year old and a 2 and nearly newborn. My 13 and 12 year old have had their moments but overall been an absolute breeze, I’ve totally lucked out on their personalities so far. I dropped them at school this morning (because one needed to be in early for a school trip) and had so much pleasure just from spending that time with them in the car. I genuinely love their company.

My 2 year old is an absolute character and relentless, I don’t think it will be as smooth a ride but hopefully still enjoyable at least at times.

Being a mother of 3/4 across multiple age groups, working in a professional career, running a house and having a DH who is a doctor (shifts, exams, etc.) is genuinely relentless. Occasionally, it gets on top of me, but largely I feel joy every day.

Perhaps it is your current era of toddler plus baby or you have a more challenging personality to raise. Maybe it is the lack of time to feel like a person. I tend to feel I emerge as more myself again 2/3 years after each baby when there is a tiny bit of breathing room to brush my hair or think straight.

My best friend has a 4 year old who is incredible - bright, funny, spirited. However, she is desperately challenging and my best friend really struggles every day. She often asks my advice and I have to answer honestly that I have no idea, she is doing an incredible job, and I don’t know how she does it. I love this little girl to bits but I don’t think I’d enjoy being her mum.

So, I think enjoying it on a day-to-day basis is a mixture of your expectations for life vs reality, satisfaction with your life and gratitude/ perspective. However, the blend of your and your DCs’ personalities also contribute. Thankfully, these things are not set in stone and can shift with efforts to change perspective and maturity.

I hope you are able to access more support and time to yourself if it is what you need ❤️

This thread is bizarre. Toddlers and babies are really hard work but kids are delightful! My daughter is nearly 9 and is basically my favourite person in the world to hang out with. I feel huge pride at the things she can do (e.g
her music performances or watching her race up a climbing wall) and the person that she is. She wakes up early on a Saturday to write stories in her Ravenclaw journal, she solves equations for fun, she kicks my arse at chess, we build dens together in the forest - I can't imagine thinking that 2 years of nappy changes somehow wasn't "worth it". I'm sure the teenage years will have their trials, but the idea of a life without her in it is unthinkable.

nope I had my son age 19
there was a lot more help around then
financially
Decent social housing was very easy to get
benefits like tax credits you could stay on tIll your kids left education at 20 rather than 3 years old as it is now
As I only had 1 it was much easier lots of family help who lived close by

He went a bit of the rails at 14 -15 but he’s grown into lovely young man with his own house and partner and we live close by and see each and chat to each other regularly

I never wanted kids and I’ve never understood what people get from it other than a lot of stress and worry, but there must be a reason people have them in the first place as
lots of people do it! I have no interest in kids days out and the kids parties and school runs, but some people love doing all that.

I liked my friends kids when they were babies and toddlers, but I really dislike the 4-10 stage. They are just so irritating to me now, whereas I loved seeing them when they were tiny. I like teenagers and I’m looking forward to them growing up.

Maybe you just don’t gel with this stage of their childhood?

No I don’t think it is, and mine are teens and it isn’t any easier so not sure I agree with people saying it’s easier, in fact I wouldn’t have kids again if I could have my time over just to never have to do the stress of the school run ever again I wish I knew how awful it would be. Makes me question life every morning tbh.

I had my second via ivf due to secondary infertility and while I was overjoyed and love him to bits I sometimes wonder why I was so desperate to have a second. It’s hard juggling two of them and especially because his sibling is a good bit older and I’ve very little time to myself now. I don’t have regrets but I will say I think there is a lot to be said for being “one and done”

I preferred the baby and toddler stage which is why I had more than one i loved that staged but once they started school the nightmare began, im just hoping it gets better once they leave.

I think parenting is harder in some ways now than it’s ever been. People seem to be anxious about being and doing their best all the time-it doesn’t seem enough to provide basic needs hope for the best. So many activities and time spent playing-when I was young, we just played out from a young age and came in for food. On rainy days, we played at each others’ houses. Our parents certainly weren’t stressing all the time about doing things right. Children were expected to grow up, be independent and get a job. Not endless stressing about ND, the best exam results, parents interfering in teen friendships, being their teen’s best friend. And also, leeching into adulthood-providing support and expected to ‘parent’ even though their kids are grown adults. Not to mention 2 salaries are needed to live so there doesn’t seem to be time for relaxation. I really don’t mind if my grown kids never have their own children-doing ok as a parent doesn’t seem to be enough these days-you have to be perfect.

You have a lot on your plate with children of those ages, and I remember feeling the same way about the relentlessness of it all. And how exhausted I was, to the point where I questioned whether I had it "in me" to be a Mum, but I always imagined having one child and I had one. My life would not be happier "child free" despite the hard work. A PP mentioned cultivating a life outside of parenthood (by this I mean even just a few moments each day which you identify as for you) and being kind to yourself is also important. It does change as they get older. I am not suggesting it gets easier, but it reforms and shifts as they grow up. Do you have support around you? Friends/family? X

Women are at the mercy of their hormones. The urge to reproduce is hands down the strongest force on the planet. I think more women should be told to consider whether they really, really want to spend half their lives (and the rest) caring for another another human.