To wonder if raising children is worth it?

[Theresa88]

I have a 3.5 year old and 11 month year old. Everyday feels like a massive struggle and im just over motherhood, which is clearly not ideal when im only just getting started. Sometimes I regret the second child and regret having any at all. It feels like all this work and effort to raise them into a good person, and then they may just go off the rails as a teenager and/or decide not to have a relationship with you as an adult. Can someone tell me the hard years will pay off eventually? :(

My children are still small but I can honestly say it has never (until reading your comment) crossed my mind that they may look out for me in old age. Maybe that’s because my own parents died young so sadly aren’t around to look out for, but it bore zero part in my decision to have them. I did however think it would hopefully be nice to have a family and have relationships with them as adults one day.

I find it hard to believe that you've never considered your old age though, and that your thought process would have been "My children will not look out for me at all." Even if it was after you had them.

decide not to have a relationship with you as an adult.

Well that’s certainly more likely to happen if you’re a resentful miserable parent. They’re not going to be 3&1 forever, you may find them more rewarding as they age.

It’s tough, exhausting, and at times extremely boring. But I can honestly say that being parent has given me more genuine joy, happiness and contentment than anything else I have ever done in my life.

You are probably right. As an only child with no children of my own (not really through choice) I am going to become what is known as an 'elder orphan' - an old person with no family. I well imagine I will face mistreatment and possibly elder abuse one day.

I am sorry to hear you feel lonely. I see loneliness in my future too. I wish I had had children. I don't even have extended family.

I wonder if you might be feeling a bit depressed? It is a hard stage, but that sounds like a hard way to feel. Might pay to seek some support with your mental health if you can.

My DM told me similar and it didn't bother me at all! I must be weird.

I wish I HAD wanted children. But I simply didn't, and I couldn't make myself want them

Thank you for articulating something I think about a LOT. Why don't I want them? Everyone else seems to. Everyone around me just "knew". I waited for it to kick in but it just never has. And as you say, you can't make yourself want them

Maybe you have the wrong mindset. It not about a 'pay off'. You bring a child into this world, you have to raise them. I know there is the cliché phrase about it being 'rewarding', I don't know anyone who actually feels that way though. I'm proud of my DC's, but I don't see that as my doing, they're their own people. It's their achievements, not mine. Maybe if I did a shit job of parenting they wouldn't be doing so well but I parented them as that was my responsibility, not because I thought it would provide me with any reward.

You’re at a really really tough age.

It’s the luck of the draw as to whether it gets better. Fortunately ours turned out to be lovely. They were adorable kids and now actively good to spend time with. Had a day out last week with dd2 17 and she is such good company. I actually had more fun than I do with a friend. So it can work out. Some of my friends teens are pretty dire it has to be said.

Well, most people who experience elder abuse do have children. Having them isn't a failsafe against that; we are all vulnerable to it unless our children are our only carers, and how many people does that apply to? Take heart; most carers and care facilities are fine, especially now that there can be cameras everywhere.

I am really, really sorry that you didn't have children when you had wanted them. That is tough. If it helps, during my forties I saw a veritable epidemic of my peers having very little time for their parents and hardly bothering with them at all even when they were sick and dying. I have been really shocked at how my generation (mid-Gen X) treat their parents.

Partly I'm lonely because my job became permanently remote during the pandemic and partly it's because I'm still recovering after losing my dad after three years of upheaval. So I'm a bit depressed. But I do believe that people without children have the time to make meaningful connections, often via groups and community volunteering, and that there is no reason to be lonely in later life. Many retired people don't see much of their children and grandchildren.

I mean, logically we should be LESS lonely than people with children because we have more time to build connections! The trouble with putting everything into your family is that children grow up and leave home...someone on here recently made a comment about how a single woman she knew wanted to be friends and see her at weekends, but the poster said she couldn't spare any time for her at weekends at all, ever, basically. I thought that was a bit smug and short-sighted. Kids grow up, spouses can die or leave you. I thought it was a pity she decided that she had no time for someone because they were single. Surely she could have seen her on the occasional weekend or invited her over to join in with a family meal. I think it's that kind of attitude that can leave people feeling a bit lonely when their kids have left home, especially if something happens to their marriage.

YANBU, I don’t think it is worth it.
I have one DD who is 8. I hated the baby years, enjoyed 4,5 and 6 but 7 onwards has been full of sass and backchat.
God help me in 5 years!

However, I feel I’m surrounded by either friends who have a big support network with their child(ren), or childfree people who are having amazing adventures. One of my best childfree mates has just been walking up Killamanjaro as she fancied it, followed by a lovely relaxing hotel for a week as a reward.
Weekends are full of kids stuff, activities, in law obligations and housework. My partner is a bit of a waste of space which doesn’t help.

I love DD to bits but I wouldn’t do it again. I can’t understand why people have 3 or 4 kids.
Kids are cute and funny and you love them to bits but it’s just exhausting, expensive and too hard.

I feel sad for the mothers who are suffering.

I also feel terribly sad for the children that experience childhoods like this.

My mother had children and wasnt able to cope. She constantly screamed and shouted at me and my brother. As adults we are both very damaged. My brother has often told me thst he doesnt want to live. I hav found that from me suffering an angry abusive mother as a child, I often attract similiar abusive people as an adult. As i am weak emotionally from the lack of love from my mother, I am not able to stand up to these people as an adult

Please try and get help OP and think of your children and their future.

Well, I'm CF and I'm certainly not doing anything like that. I'm on my knees after seven years of assuaging my dad's loneliness and worrying about him after my mum died and a further three years of upheaval during his illness and the aftermath of his death, and my husband left me, and I'm not a high earner. And there's no one but me to handle everything. I feel worked to death. I'm sure there are many CFs who are high earners and are floating up mountains whenever they feel like it, but many aren't. I feel just as stressed and worried and worked to death as parents, with a lot less laughs! The rich carefree CF is a stereotype, in my experience.

ETA: The elder care for both parents fell to me as my sis has 3 kids. Which is fine, it's just another illustration of how many CF don't get off scot-free. I had to keep working full-time while caregiving too, and got put on performance review.

Have children or don't, do what makes you happy, because in my experience you'll end up fat and knackered either way. Plus, I've never been pregnant but my perimenopausal pelvic floor is in an awful state and my boobs are still saggy.

It's being so cheerful that keeps me going, isn't it!!

Sorry if my post was insensitive. It sounds like you are going through a tough time 💐

I could of wrote your post myself. I have 2 dc ages 18 & 13 I feel both don't particularly like me. I know this is common in the teen years but they are not like this with their dad (we are separated) they have all the time in the world for dad and spend much more time with him than me.
I've devoted the last 18 years to them and done everything for them, putting myself last. Neither of them can even be bothered to have a conversation with me these days and I feel I have no idea what's going on in their lives.
Im just here to cook, wash & clean up after them.
It causes me so much hurt, I often think if I had my time again I wouldn't have kids. They just cause stress & anxiety.

Its difficult for mothers and its also difficult for children. I remember one of my aunts constantly shouting at her child. She said much later " it was too difficult for me. I now realise that it was too difficult for him too" he has talked to her about how his bad childhood affected him.

Oh, it's fine, thank you! Maybe I'll be one of those CFs in the future!

One thing about motherhood that I think is hardest is the acceptance that you get what you get. Whether that's sickness, allergies, disability, strong willed personality, extreme personality clash with you etc. I have 3 and my eldest was difficult at every stage and I would hope the next stage would get easier but it never did. My youngest two are absolute pleasures, even at their worst phases they werent bad. Eldest is late teens now and a wonderful young man. Life is very good now and i don't regret a moment but as far as DS is concerned it took about 18 years to truly appreciate him whereas other two were always enjoyable. When I look around at them it absolutely was worth it, a sense of pride can be almost overwhelming sometimes. I don't think any other achievement for me could come close.

I’m far from being an Earth Mother, but what was so difficult about having only one?!

Yes I agree, reading about everyone's amazing teens who love spending time and hanging out with mum gets to me too.
My teens are well behaved but have absolutely no time for me or interest in me whatsoever. They can't even be bothered to have a conversation with me and I feel very disconnected from them both.
I feel like im losing them and like im a shit mum.
Id love to know how the MN wonder mums do it to have such Amazing teens who still love being with mum.

Same. I feel like I've saved myself so much heartache and consider it an absolute gift not to have any desire to have kids. They just don't feature in our lives, no one has babies in my family! Despite that I know I'd be very maternal, I just don't feel any need to indulge that part of me. I also just think "why create more mouths to feed"? I don't see the point.

To the mothers on here who are writing about their own suffering, do you ever think about what the children go through? The children have no escape for years.

I grew up with a mother like this, and it was hell on Earth. It was utter hell. Nothing i go through will ever be as bad as that time.

"On the brink of a nervous breakdown" haha that describes it perfectly. Thank you for giving me a laugh and some hope that things will get easier!