To wonder if raising children is worth it?

[Theresa88]

I have a 3.5 year old and 11 month year old. Everyday feels like a massive struggle and im just over motherhood, which is clearly not ideal when im only just getting started. Sometimes I regret the second child and regret having any at all. It feels like all this work and effort to raise them into a good person, and then they may just go off the rails as a teenager and/or decide not to have a relationship with you as an adult. Can someone tell me the hard years will pay off eventually? :(

Thank you so much for your kind words. I think part of the struggle is feeling so damn unappreciated for all the hard work I put in, on a micro and macro level. The government where I live (Australia) offers very little subsidies or tax rebates for families with one high earner which is my husband and I. Well guess what when he's a high earner he's working a load of hours and who is raising the kids- me. The government does nothing to promote young people forming families, they just import an endless stream of migrants to prop up the country.

my in laws only have two grandchildren (my kids) because my husbands other three siblings can't be bothered/dont have their life together enough to have kids. Of course they love to brag about their grandchildren to everyone they know, but they have never expressed a single word of encouragement or support to me or my husband. They didn't even say congratulations when we told them I was pregnant.

I also have a group of close girlfriends who I went to university with, most of whom are child free. They say things to each other in front of me like: "im so glad I don't have kids because of the climate crisis" or "mothers with kids are living in hell".

it is very discouraging to live in a society that places no value on parenting especially motherhood. Im thankful that at least my husband is grateful and appreciates everything I do (as I also appreciate him!).

Why don't you put them into nursery part time?

Oldest is in nursery four days a week already. To those posters worried I am shouting at my children and dont love them, I assure you I do love them and the shouting is kept to a minimum (most days!). Just having a moment when I started this thread, and feeling extra terrible after a two week bout of COVID while still having to care for the kids. I'm happy to hear from a lot of posters it is indeed worth it.

So your husband is a high earner, you can afford to not work at all, you can also afford to put the oldest in nursery.

Im sorry but cry me a river. Hand me the tiny violin. My mother raised two children by herself after my father abandoned us.

Go out and volunteer and see how good you have it

I agree .

If you parent well at this stage, later stages will become easier. If you parent badly now, the next stage will be harder.

That's my experience anyway, I have 5 daughters and they are a breeze now but baby to toddler years was hard.

Nothing, absolutely NOTHING in this world would EVER have made me give motherhood a try!!! There’s never been a time in my life when I’ve ever wanted to have children.

Which bit isn’t true?

No not weird. Maybe your mother said it in a different way/context to mine.
I think about it a lot with quite a bit of sadness.

My children are an absolute joy. There have been tricky times and it’s fair to say the older they are the worries never go away but just change.
They are my favourite people on the planet.
My sister and best friend have not had children and have no regrets.
I was just very relaxed with my children and definitely picked my battles!

That is so interesting are your's boys by any chance ? Dd was the sweetest, easiest toddler I struggle to remember 1 tantrum. Between 14-16 she was a hell raiser. At 19 she is back to being wonderful. DS was much harder work as a pre-school child but gave me no trouble at all as a teenager. Infruriates me as an adult.

I had 2 DDs in my early twenties and found it pretty easy. I was quite laidback and so were they. Plus I had so much energy/ could handle the poor sleep. Aside from maybe 3/4 years in teens they were a joy to raise and are both wonderful adults who I’m close to.
I had a son in my late thirties who has reflux/ allergies, slept terribly and is autistic with developmental delays. I’ve found it so hard and exhausting and now I’m in menopause, have my own health conditions but DS requires a lot of support and patience.
I see a lot of women in their mid thirties plus struggling with young children

This is a really bizarre statement. Do you have any statistics to back this up because even a quick Google told me that family members are more likely to be the ones who are perpetrators of abuse.

And I work in elderly social work and certainly the vast vast majority of safeguarding cases we see are usually financial and committed by family members. We do not have waves of people being abused because they don't have family.

I found the early years awful, mines always had a terrible temper, her tantrums were epic. I look back at the pictures now and she was so bloody cute (people literally used to stop me in the shops to tell me, so she was definitely objectively adorable). But I was so unhappy, I really regretted having her, she didn’t sleep and she was utterly feral.

As she’s got older she’s still feral but the love has grown and she makes up for her very trying personality by being really bloody funny. Is it worth it? I don’t know, my marriage has taken a battering, I’m tired, her temper is still there, very strong willed, getting through one day with her is exhausting, I feel utterly drained by the end of the day. I’m barely on speaking terms with my husband at the moment after having a really great relationship (he’s an excellent dad, so it’s not because he’s dodging DD etc).

But yeah she’s worth it still, would I have been happier day to day if I hadn’t had her? Yeah probably, I’d weigh less, my body wouldn’t look and feel shambolic, I’d have more energy, my DH and I would probably be happier, the person on here who said having kids is like having your heart walking around outside your body was right in my case, everything that makes her feel sad feels like someones stabbed me in the stomach. But she’s also the great love of my life. Maybe one day she’ll really make me regret having her (I expect she will, she really is a handful).

I'm been there done that , and they are adults with their own children so are having busy lives like many of you .
On reflection was it worth it ?
From a selfish point of view , no not worth it .
They had to move away for work , met someone , moved further away so I barely see them as they are raising their own and juggling work whilst living their own life .
I'm proud of that of course , and happy they have a good & happy life . But ( and I know it's unreasonable of me to think this ) they have little time for me and I don't hear from them very often .
My calls often go unanswered or my what's app messages not opened so I do try to contact before anyone says it's a 2 way street .

Nobody can tell you that, unfortunately. I have friends whose kids are no contact, suffering from addiction issues, mental health issues. Some who have moved to the other side of the world.

I have some friends who are still close to the adult children, although they are slightly fewer and further between. Unfortunately, you don’t have children to create a friend for your adult life. I

you chose to bring them into the world though, so you have to bring them up to the best of your ability!

I honestly don't think I'll be missing much by being a grandparents. Looking at grandparents today, it seems that they aren't allowed any of the fun aspects of it anyway.

You only have to look at threads here to see grandparents are expected to provide multiple days a week of childcare, school pick ups and drop offs in their retirement ages. Any suggestion they might want to spend their retirement on holidays is deemed selfish and means they won't receive any help from their own children in their old age. Furthermore their time with their grandchildren is micromanage by their children in terms of food, sleep and activities they do.

I've found the younger years hard. If I was expected in my older age to be doing it all again, it'll be a no thanks from me.

This thread is so depressing! And a true indication that you get such a weirdly skewed response.

I love having kids, always have. I wanted them, but I wouldn't say I was desperate to have them - I had a great life before then and remember thinking 'well if it doesn't happen that's fine because I've got it pretty good without'. But I did end up having 2 and even though I miss loads of aspects of my old life I wouldn't change having them for the world.

I love being with them, they're nice kids. I can't imagine thinking they weren't 'worth it'. What does that even mean? Did you have them with a specific goal in mind where they'd benefit you?

If you decide not to have children then you definitely won't have grandchildren. Mine give me huge joy. I accept we're all different.

No regrets here with my three grown ones although it was HARD when they were that age. I had twins and a toddler. 3.5 was the sweet spot so you just have a couple of hard years to go before that small child stuff becomes so much easier.

I do often feel incredibly relieved that mine turned out healthy and happy. (So far). It’s such a massive gamble having children. Parenting is massively important but also just luck.

None of mine think they will have children and I’m fine with that. The boy has an autistic long term GF who would really struggle and they plan to remain child free. The girls want to work and travel and remain single! Among my adult nephews and nieces they appear quite similar. Only two babies between 6 of them over 30.

I think this is going to happen to me. Indeed, already happening. I am trying to build a life outside them

After DD was born l was devastated that l couldn't have another baby (early menopause) but now she is 14 l am glad l only have her as l have got both time and money to spend. If l'd have had a second l think l would have been stretched too thinly and could have a totally different stance on it all.

Mine are 16 and 17 (18 in three weeks). I was comparing notes with my old NCT pals and a lot of them said they found the teenage years the hardest. But I definitely found ages 2-7 the hardest. My son was hyperactive when he was young and I joke that I didn’t sit down for five years. But they are genuinely a joy to be around these days and the teenage years have been ok (bar GCSEs which are hideous). Look after yourself, use friends and family, pay for some childcare, go back to work, whatever you have to do to make the balance tip in your favour. Good luck.

That is helpful..thanks.
I hope things improve for you ,how you need them to

Why do you automatically presume that the unhappy mothers on here must necessarily have unhappy children? You're projecting your own experience. Some mothers are unhappy but not abusive and therefore still manage to raise well-adjusted children.