To wonder if raising children is worth it?

[Theresa88]

I have a 3.5 year old and 11 month year old. Everyday feels like a massive struggle and im just over motherhood, which is clearly not ideal when im only just getting started. Sometimes I regret the second child and regret having any at all. It feels like all this work and effort to raise them into a good person, and then they may just go off the rails as a teenager and/or decide not to have a relationship with you as an adult. Can someone tell me the hard years will pay off eventually? :(

Nobody can tell you that.
We just do our best & hope. If i screw up, i hope my DC recover from my ham-fisted attempts & that I don’t wreck their lives too much.

My DD is 24 almost 25 and I’m still waiting.

You’ll be told that it’ll get better yada yada yes but I’ve hated the job of being Mum. It’s mostly awful, relentless, boring and frustrating sprinkled with nice bits now and again.

I regret having her and I wouldn’t do it again if I had a do over.

That was the worst stage/ages for me so far, so exhausting. You’re not alone.
If it helps they’ve been pretty much amazing since - 12 and 14 now and secondary school /teen stage feels like I’m starting all over and it’s a learning curve!!

i went off the rails as a teenager, I was doing all sorts sneaking into clubs, getting pissed and turning up to college lessons, doing drugs etc how my parents put up with me I haven’t got the foggiest but now Im mid 30s and we are very close and im not anything like I used to be. so yeah it does pay off most of the time.
What helped our relationship was that they didn’t judge, they let me do stupid shit and I knew they would still be there to support me when I decided I was ready to change. I will always love them for that.

I'm 17 years in and it has been good, bar 1/2 years in early teens.

The early years are tiring and sometimes you get through it /life gets easier as they get older.

If you have a support system, lean on them. And if at all possible, carve out some time to look after yourself. A parent course taught me that yoi can't pour from an empty cup. 💐

No one situation is the same.

The desire to have offspring is atavistic - it's hard-wired and many people do not examine in detail their reasons for wanting a family. It is how the human race survives - it is programmed to perpetuate itself.

And then the reality .........

Raising children is challenging and it is easy to ask oneself why bother.

From my point of view I simply loved raising my children, watching them develop and blossom, seeing their personalities emerge - and they are now lovely adults with whom I have warm relationships, and with their children.

But that is me - everyone is different.

I do think that, at the risk of sounding totally ancient, the pressure to do it all right when it comes to child-rearing has become pretty oppressive now. Social media fuels this pressure. We just went with the flow a bit more, recognised that good enough is good enough, and in many ways the financial pressures were less.

This is why I chose not to have children, I just really couldn’t be bothered.

Of course not. It's a mug's game.

OP, you are absolutely in the most exhausting phase. It will get easier as they get older for sure. Particularly once the littlest is 4. But even once the older one is 5 and the little one is 3 it will be a bit easier

I have a dd17 who is ND with menal health issues and an eating disorder . It is hard. My dd is more draining than most at that age.
It was harder when she was younger in some ways. But now it is different issues. I don't regret having her one bit. But it isn't easy and there is a reason I stuck at one.

What exactly do you mean by ‘worth it’, though?

Wanted children but couldn’t have them. I’m ok with that now, more than ok really.

OP, hang on in there, I don’t think going off the rails as a teenager is inevitable, my DN now 17 is a delightful young man (though I suppose he still has time!). Even if that does happen they’ll more than likely get back on, this has happened with a friend’s daughter.

The parenting part gets easier as they get older. They can communicate and help. Whether it‘s worth it to you at some point, unfortunately nobody can say, but to me it‘s certainly improved my life more than it‘s complicated it.

I’m childfree, but that’s not so much because I don’t think raising children is “worth it” and have actively made a decision not to bother, and more that I’ve simply never experienced any maternal desire or urge to have a child and therefore there’s been no decision to make. From the outside it does look like an often thankless and unenjoyable gig, but I assume the love (most) parents feel mitigates that.

I think the idea that the effort might not be worth it because DC could turn out to be awful people or decide not to have a relationship with you when grown is a fairly downbeat way of looking at it, but obviously reflects that you’re currently at two very difficult age stages which can be tough. They become more independent and develop personalities and interests of their own. I have a now 12-year-old goddaughter and whilst I admit the toddler and early schoolie years had more than their share of tedium in terms of spending time with her, she’s now (and for has been for the last couple of years) an absolute joy and a delight who I can talk with and listen to and appreciate her opinion and ambitions and values.

I think the fact that you’re actively thinking about the future and doing your hardest to actively parent and put effort into raising your children indicates you’re probably not going to raise awful children or have them completely abandon you once they turn 18.

I can’t relate to this at all. I have a toddler and it’s hard balancing everything but it’s never, ever felt ‘not worth it.’ I can’t imagine regretting having her. She’s the best choice I’ve made, and I’ve done some great things!

Maybe find time to practice gratitude?

What do you mean by worth it and pay off eventually? Those are odd terms to use about having children.
I knew I didn't want any because I hated the thought of pregnancy and birth and never felt that primal urge some women talk about.

I can tell you that it’s definitely worth it for me. I sat on a terrace in Florence watching the sun go down and sharing a bottle of red wine on his big birthday last year. We share interests and values. He’s one of my closest friends and my life would be poorer without him in it.

What do you mean by 'pay off' and worth it?

Like other posters on the thread I am childfree and nothing about pregnancy, labour or parenting appeals one iota.

Something about it must have appealed to you, to have had two kids, so hold onto that. Cultivate a life outside of parenting, too.

My eldest is nearly 20, middle 15 and youngest almost 14. Your feelings are entirely valid and understandable. I’ve literally just got off the phone to my 20 year old ranting about my 15 year old but then my 20 year old reminded me how she used to scream at me aged 15 she hated me she also had toilet issues until she was 12 and that was a whole other ball game. Life goes up life goes down and it will continue to do so. Make sure you take time for yourself be nice to yourself and know you are most definitely not in a minority with your feelings x

Please please never tell her this. My mum told me she regretted having children and quite honestly it devastated me to the point I think about it a lot.

I get where you are coming from but for many I think children are their greatest achievement but also their biggest challenge. Huge rewards at a huge cost. Personally I think it's absolutely worth it and would have been utterly devastated not to have them.

For some it is, some it isn't.

For me, it really is. I wanted my son so much and I am still so amazed I got to have him. I love him so much, I love parenting him so much. We've chosen to stop at one because I know a second would tip us from thriving to barely surviving, which isn't what either of us want.

For my mother, when I was a teen she told me the biggest piece of advice she could give me in life is to not have children. She said it just wasn't worth it. I understood what she meant, we had a wonderful relationship and she was an incredible mother, but I know she struggled massively with my older siblings who went properly off the rails in their teen years and beyond (prison, drugs, abuse, etc.). But I think she would have been much happier with a childfree life, given her interests. However in her day and age she was married with a child by 21, before she probably even really know who she was or what she wanted. I'm in favour of people delaying parenthood until/unless they're completely certain it's what they want, and they feel ready.

I have met quite a few people who've just had their first then sleepwalked into a second because it's just 'the done thing', to the massive detriment of everyone in the family for a very long time. You're not alone in regretting parenthood. Many do.

I love my kids to death and get so much joy
from them. But at the same time, it’s relentless, expensive and exhausting. I totally get where you’re coming from and understand why people choose not to have kids.

I think that's a fair question. I never planned to have a child, and when i had one at 40, it was because I thought it might be interesting. He's now 13 going on 14 and currently in a spectacularly cantankerous phase, but it's definitely interesting watching someone you made grow up and change. I'm not sure I understand the 'Is it worth it?' thing. What would make it worth it? When would you have to decide?

I think being a parent to adult children can be harder because now there is no naughty step and they do what they like. Mine were sensible but one of my colleagues children gave her merry hell and he has been to prison twice amongst other stuff. They had the on paper a perfect childhood, lots of money, private school etc.

Nothing can give so much joy or pain as children, my DD dying is the worst thing that has ever happened in my life and any other stress or unhappiness is just nothing.