To wonder if raising children is worth it?

[Theresa88]

I have a 3.5 year old and 11 month year old. Everyday feels like a massive struggle and im just over motherhood, which is clearly not ideal when im only just getting started. Sometimes I regret the second child and regret having any at all. It feels like all this work and effort to raise them into a good person, and then they may just go off the rails as a teenager and/or decide not to have a relationship with you as an adult. Can someone tell me the hard years will pay off eventually? :(

Maybe think on a bigger scale.

Will it ever be worth it individually? Who knows.. anything can happen.

But on a scale larger than individual families, yes it is worth it. Communities and societies need children. And allthough in the uk it is rarely framed this way anymore, because we all just potter along thinking about ourselves.. raising children is one of the most meaningful contribution that you can possibly make to your community, however large you define that.

Your effort is building the generation that will then take on the mantel and support all of us when we are older, and it is your and all the other parents unpaid labor that will, forge the future adults that all of us will need. Without them there is no society for us to grow old into, systems would collapse and we would all struggle and suffer. Being a parent really is a great contribution to society.

There is someone out there who chose not to have kids, (not people who couldn't) and although they will never admit it, their choice, as envious and free as it may seem to you now, is only possible because of the meaningful and countless hours of work of parents in raising the generation that the childless person needs to support them and keep society running when they are older.

So even if you cant see it as being worth it for yourself personally, on a broader and less individual persoective, it is absolutely worth it.

I think it’s such a lottery because for many of us, we don’t necessarily think deeply about whether or when to have children. It’s just a very strong biological/hormonal urge. 🤷🏼‍♀️ For some of us, we’ll find we absolutely love being a parent. For others, not so much. But we don’t know until we’ve actually done it and then it’s too late to change our minds. And of course some parents get children with complex needs and problems which makes parenting a lot more challenging.

For me, it’s been a mixed bag. I nearly lost my mind multiple times when they were little. I’ve enjoyed it more as the years have gone by. I’m especially enjoying the adolescent years but that isn’t the case for parents whose child has gone off the rails in adolescence.

The idea of ‘worth it’ is interesting. It implies some reward for us. I’m not sure there’s supposed to be a reward for it- we’ve simply followed our biological urge. Being a parent can feel rewarding when things are going well and you feel like you have helped to create a good human being who is enjoying their life and benefitting the world. It feels a lot less rewarding at other times. 20 years of thankless grunt work is not rewarding.

At times I’ve regretted having my two, but that’s has nothing to do with it being ‘worth it’ for me- it’s because the world is an absolute shitshow, and I feel guilty for bringing them into it. (I was quite young when I conceived them. I was idealistic and optimistic and didn’t foresee how the future would look).

I have a 4 year old and a baby. Some days are so hard. I do often wish I could have carefree days in the spa or at the beach, to travel more with DH. But I also know those days lie ahead of me (I hope!).

I think the only advice I can give is try to enjoy this season for what it is. It goes by so quickly.

Do try to make sure you get a break. As a previous poster said you can't pour from an empty cup.

Work out what exactly is not working right now and change it.

I was always desperate to have children, really struggled to have them, and was so grateful when I did have them. I have really enjoyed being a parent to young children on the whole, though obviously there have been challenges along the way.

The thing that I regret not doing before having them though is opening my eyes and looking around me and realising that a hell of a lot of people either can’t stand their parents when they are adults themselves, or are resentful or indifferent towards their parents or are just waiting for their inheritance. I have encountered very few people in life who genuinely love spending time with their parents, and I don’t just mean within my wider family and friends I mean generally in life. Even reading threads on here, a lot of people resent their parents/in-laws or are looking for tips on how to protect their inheritence parents money. That’s the part that scares me about parenthood. That these people I love more than anything might turn their backs on me when they are adults. I think if that happened that would be the moment I would regret having children.

Sanctimonious bullshit.

There are some very literal posters on here. This nitpicking over ‘worth it’ is so tedious to read. It is clear it means ‘is the hard work worth it in terms of the joy you get’ - it isn’t unreasonable to hope there’s something for you in it!

I thought this as well, just reading it whilst having the best time with my two year old and 8 month old thinking holy shit am I going to feel like this at some point as well 😭

It’s hardly unduly literal to query what ‘worth it’ means, as the OP seems to see it as related to whether the child goes off the rails as a teenager or maintains a relationship with their parents in adulthood.

In most cases, we’re products of our environment. Try not to worry too much if you are decent personable your kids will be around decent people, they will turn out just fine:)

I'm just out of the stage you are in... I know it doesn't help now, but it gets better... And easier...and more fun...and more rewarding. For us it did anyway.
Mine are now 3 and 5.5 and it can still be hard some days but my god, it's so much better than even 6 months ago. I didn't like having babies and irrational toddlers 😅 sure they're cute and I enjoyed breastfeeding, but sleepless nights, teething, illness, not being able to tell me what's wrong, it was too stressful and overwhelming.

I'm a much better person now I'm sleeping and my children can say "my tummy hurts", "my ear hurts" etc. and I enjoy them so much more now. We've just baked some muffins and are now watching some TV and planning to play pairs after... Way better than last year trying to make sure the youngest didn't catapult himself across the room

I have 2 ND children, I can honestly say the baby/toddler years were the easiest for our family. My DD is 10 and she slept better as a newborn than she does now. Life is a struggle, but not for a single moment have I ever regretted either of my dc. The are both the absolute loves of my life. I know 1000% that Dh feels the same way. If I'm being honest, I do sometimes feel sad at the way things have turned out. I'm sometimes envious of other families, who don't have the difficulties that we do. I think before starting a family you have an image in your head that just isn't reality.

I feel a bit like this too. There’s not enough amazing bits in it for me - I’d say I probably get 15/20 minutes a week of ‘joyful moments’. The rest is mostly crappy, and I hate what having a baby has done to my body and my marriage. I was genuinely happier before although I’ll admit I lacked purpose as a young person. I still lack purpose now, difference is I have no time to think about it or any choice but to continue! I’ve stuck at one. I honestly don’t understand why people have 2… I feel im obviously missing something as some women are so positive about being mothers.

I guess everyones experience is different.

Having my DD's is the best thing I have ever done in my life and I have never once regretted being a Mum.

They are now adults and my favourite people in the world. I adore them, love their company and we have great relationships. My life is absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, much better because of them.

So, yes, for me, having and raising my children, has absolutely been worth it.

Use your common sense. Some people are going to struggle while others find it relatively easy. It’s not a universal experience.

Also- to add to my earlier comment- a lot
of other mums I know have loads of help from grandparents etc. We never have (too old/sick/dead…) and that makes such a difference to how easy you find it.

Sometimes having a child doesn’t turn out the way you hoped. It doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person.

Maybe it’s down to the personality of the child. I love being a parent. Never thought I would so much but it is literally the best, most satisfying thing I have ever done. I have never loved anyone as much as my child. It makes me feel like my life is worth living. But my DC is my absolute favourite person and I love doing the kids stuff with them, and just generally having fun with them.

I completely get why some people struggle in some circumstances but why have more than 1 then?

I think it's different for everyone.

Some parents end up regretting it and feeling that it wasn't worth it.

For me, it is quite simply the best thing I've ever done - and if I say so myself, I've done some pretty cool stuff!

My dd is a young adult now, and she brings me more light and joy than anything or anyone else on the planet. There is literally nothing that I wouldn't give up in order to continue having her in my life.

Mine are lovely now they are grown and I am so proud of who they all are, but it’s been a hard slog of 28 years of hard work, misery and trauma(for me, not them, they had a lovely stable childhood that they all seem quite happy with!). I love them all dearly, but it’s been exhausting. School refusal, special needs, losing one of them to their dad as he had more money than me so was more ‘fun’, then they came back again, two of them then moved long long distances away…it’s been 28 years of heartbreak.
Not sure id put myself through it again, as much as I adore them. And don’t even get me started on step parenting, that’s even more thankless!

Baby/toddler stage is tough. They need help with everything and are unreasonable.
Mine are now 3 and 5 and play together so nicely (most of the time). Everyones out of nappies and sleeping through the night.

I love seeing their personalities develop and seeing the world through their eyes. It is not all plain sailing though, we have illness etc where everyone becones demanding again!

Have you got any respite from the older one being at nursery some mornings? A couple of regular baby groups with the little one? Is very challenging managing two little ones all day every day.

Of course it’s not down to the personality of the child.
There are many, many things that can happen that can make the experience of parenting difficult.
They may not happen or be apparent til someone has had more than one, obviously.

They were both hardest thing we ever did and most joyful.

When they were little though despite having velcro babies and later ND diagnosis - it wasn't that that made it hard it was all the external stuff.

It was job insecurity - I ended up leaving work for longer than expected - DH had unexpectealy multiple job changes with young kids - money was tighter than expected lots went unforsseably wrong and extend family suddenly got supper demanding but no actual support - and got everyone loved to tell us what we were doing wrong.

Then they started school started to struggle and the additional support needed - HW and support school no longer offered - was a huge shock and certainly not what our parents were expected to do.

Our never went off the rails - despite dire predcitions on here -though all had their moments.

Since then it's only got more expensive to have kids and more demands on parents - it's too much and I'm really not surpised fewer are taking the plunge very year.

If we were starting now - would have them later and fewer of them maybe even just one and that from a couple who really wanted kids and wanted them as early as possible when we were stable.

Those ages are brutal. Mine are now 7 and 11 and motherhood is delightful. I'm sure it'll get hard again in the teens, but this period is fantastic.

Maybe it’s down to the personality of the child. I love being a parent

It's likely social and economic resources - more support and access to resources you have easier it is - like most things in life I guess.

Ours are mid-older teens now and we wouldn’t be without them would happily do it all again

They love each other

Watching them grow, still grow, is a privilege- they owe us nothing

When they were babies/toddlers you were their whole world, no one ever will love you with their utterly cute dependency

As they enter school meet friends have parties learn to read chose their interests - you can see you bits and dad bits and this unique combination

Taking them places and listening to them and how they view the world around them

And at present they are teens, we have great conversations, board games, they introduce to new culture - they bring friends round - a lot of- who are also all fun - the house is noisy, full of life, chatter, food and fun and much love.

They have part time jobs, volunteer with a variety of generations, know how to behave in a variety of settings

Parenthood has contributed to our lives continually being full of other people, new ideas and just the best reason to go places, cook new food, read different books, play different games, go and watch sports we wouldn’t have chose to.

Not all of it is easy. There are many stressful and heartbreaking days, but there would be without them, after those we have never emerged less, frazzled sometimes, less no.

Every sleepless night when they were ill were worth the tiny hand holding yours feeling safe as they walked down the road

Every wet morning at the side of a field is worth the cheers from scoring a goal

Every teenage bicker is worth the gossip from lunchtimes

They make us belly laugh almost everyday some days we don’t stop. It’s an amazing ride and long may it continue. It’s more than worth it.