To wonder if raising children is worth it?

[Theresa88]

I have a 3.5 year old and 11 month year old. Everyday feels like a massive struggle and im just over motherhood, which is clearly not ideal when im only just getting started. Sometimes I regret the second child and regret having any at all. It feels like all this work and effort to raise them into a good person, and then they may just go off the rails as a teenager and/or decide not to have a relationship with you as an adult. Can someone tell me the hard years will pay off eventually? :(

That's a tricky one because I don't feel like I'm waiting to 'get' somewhere, apart from the first few weeks with my first where breastfeeding was horrible, I've over all just loved it all, every age seems to have as much joy as the last. A bit scared of the teenage years though! I had mine with the idea of enjoying the ride rather than reaching some kind of moment where it's 'worth it'. I guess I'm lucky that I do enjoy it though as clearly it isn't universal.

You are in one of the hardest parts now. The other part I found difficult was the early teens. Ugh, so far that's been the worst.

But it has totally been worth it. My eldest two are pretty launched and are lovely to be around, and I love spending time with them. My middle son is just getting past the worst bits of the teens and seems to be shaping up, still some worries but also a fun kid. The youngest isn't in the teens yet, we shall see how that goes.

There are no guarantees but I am really positive about going into my elder years with my family.

I’ve often thought the 4-10 stage must be the best, when they’re out of nappies but teenage attitude has yet to arrive.

Why aren’t women allowed to have these feelings? Either they are medicalised (PND) or demonised/pathologised (you are a monster/not normal). Sometimes people do have children and find that for them it’s not all they hoped it would be/cracked up to be. And I actually think that in this world there are worse things that can happen to a child than knowing their mother might have been happier had she not become a mother. I knew that about mine, but she did love me and did the best she could. I had a happier and more secure upbringing than a lot of children do.

This, ignore the sneery commenters.

I love my children so much, similar ages to yours, but at the moment I feel like I have nothing left of myself. I work 24 hours a day, and not even my body is my own.
It's exhausting and overstimulating and I found myself having the same thoughts.
I hope the joy that they bring me is 'worth it' overall though.

People tell you to fill your own cup but at this stage I have no ability to- the baby won't settle for anyone else and the preschooler always wants mummy for their 50 million demands.
Having a shower and a poo is respite, never mind something that would actually replenish me!

It’s reality. Parenting is so exhausting and soul draining. I have a toddler and older child. Feels like it has just been one long slog.

Can't relate to the idea of a payoff or it being worth it. That's not really what having kids or a family is about for me

Well. I had ‘it all’ on paper, had board level career very young in a job lots of people describe as their dream (global arts/media), central london flat, MBA, mentorships, galas, drinks parties, white-cloth west-end lunches bla bla. Then I had two kids.

Parenting is 100% the greatest thing I have ever done and I never even knew the capacity I had to love and be loved. I gave up that job, that life, those perks, I live remotely in a big old house and work from dawn to dusk, working 4.5 days public sector, then cooking, cleaning, driving everyone around their myriad sports and interests and activities etc. They are so lovely, such fun, parenting is so interesting and fulfilling. We sat on the sofa last night after dinner and watched two films, child in each arm, never felt so lucky.

Having children is so all consuming and life changing that I massively encourage women who want to stay child free to do so and I 100% respect that life choice. From the moment you're pregnant it’s 19 years of responsibility- not to be taken lightly at all.

However I personally found it unlocked a whole dimension in life that I didn’t even predict existed.

Im well into my second decade of parenting in case you think this is someone with a blissful baby blip!

Unfortunately you can't send them back, there are no refunds, and no return to sender.

You can only "do your best" (which may vary from time to time) or do the bare minimum, or whatever middle ground you can manage.

Personally I decided as a single parent, to give as much as I could to raising my DC, while working FT. It was tough but they are really only with us for a short period of time. Yes it feels like forever when they are as young as yours OP, but before you know it they are out the door.

When they were younger my sanity was saved by an excellent childminder, working & lowering expectations outside of these roles especially around housework etc.

When you are feeling low/tired try to get as much sleep as you can, eat well & take care of yourself too without going OTT and trying to be InstaMum.

Parenting young kids is essentailly a conversation and negotiation around all your competing demands, while allowing for your sanity too. Sometimes "kids alive everyone fed & in bed" is a good result at the end of a day. that's OK.

I just met my 28 year old DD this morning and I just feel she doesn't like me ,or respect me ,or think I have any value in the world at all..
I was thinking of starting a thread myself as I feeling quite sad how our relationship is .
My problem was I tried to hard ..I put them first all the time ,I made myself unhappy to make them happy..and in her eyes it makes me look weak .
I don't know ..I definitely haven't got the answers

HOWEVER, I think pp have got very good points that policy makers all over the world should think about - expectations of parents are sky-high just when most family units have never worked so many hours out of the home combined with less extended family help (the days of having multiple non-working aunties to help are long gone) and the price of a suitable thee bedroom home, big enough for storage and living space, is a massive issue for people looking to decently and comfortably house their families.

Her daughter is now 25 she said she's still waiting for the goods bits. After 25 years I don't think she'll have PND.

Do you have a second partner at home? Is he any good?

For me, yes largely worth it. The baby/toddler days were hard (twins and a singleton). I loved the rest of it, but I am finding the young adult stage (now 21, 22) almost the most difficult...only because of the almost grief/pain of them leaving home and living their lives. Which of course every parents wants,and i am so proud of them, but I wasn't at all prepared for the reality, which is an emotional rollercoaster.....driving, travelling, university etc.

I wasn’t replying to her personally but to you for calling her awful.

Maybe start practicing not being a smarmy arse?

are you my Mum? This sounds exactly like her and the relationship we have. I’m sorry. I expect it’s hard for your daughter as well, it is for me.

I felt like this when mine were three and one. And honestly it’s only recently I’ve started not feeling like I’m on the brink of a nervous breakdown with them together (they are nearly three and five …)

I regretted having two children for a long time to be honest. Not the child herself but I just hated having two children. It is hard and I do still feel spread very thin but I can feel it getting easier.

I feel you OP! It's relentless at that age. And these feelings can be difficult to talk about and deal with because it's not a decision you can reverse. But it's honestly true that time does change things. Now mine are a bit older it's so much more rewarding and joyful. Of course the teen years may be a challenge ahead but your current feelings aren't forever.

I was a bloody awesome parent to one child. It’s a totally different ball game with two!

I didn’t plan to have children but after falling pregnant unexpectedly I now have three. I love it so much and would never change a thing except to have started sooner. I dread them all leaving home
when I had 2 littlies I did find it really hard though but I have loved jt more as they got older.

When I had three littlies I love that too- found 2 under 2/3 the hardest phase.

How could your mum make things better for you ,what could she do to improve the relationship..might give me some ideas ,as I'm lost and sad

Hi OP, I didn't vote because I think you're entirely reasonable to feel this way right now, but I think (I hope!) that in a year or so when your eldest starts reception, things will feel quite different.

In the meantime, as others have said, try to take any offers of help that come your way; refill your own cup where you can. I was a SAHM to two boys under 2 and I do look back on that time and wonder how I did it (my DH worked long days so I was pretty much on my own from 7am - 8pm). If you are at home with them a lot, it can be boring. And frustrating. I used to plan even small outings (a walk to the park, half an hour sitting at the train station to watch the trains (I promise said boys are not total anoraks but I was desperate!), a walk into town for a babyccino). Anywhere with diggers / fire engines = free entertainment for ages! And of course, all the baby / toddler groups. As hellish as they can be, at least they get you out and ideally in the company of other like-minded people.

It was a slog. But I am now nearer the point where they will go away to Uni and I'm so glad I had the opportunity to grow them. They are good company. They are kind and funny and smart and they still hug me and I love seeing them as the people they are becoming, if that makes sense. I don't know what the next stage will be like but I wouldn't have missed out on this for the world. Good luck to you. Take care of yourself x

The OP has a three year old and a one year old; do you honestly think she’s never been to the park or a toddler group?