18 year old dd will not let me attend A-level parents' evening

[18yearoldhell]

Since starting sixth form, dd has become more teenagery than she ever was at 14 years old.
Rude, entitled, ungrateful and demand-avoidant. Was never any issues before and couldn't believe how we had sailed through her early teenage years.

Parents' evening email came round. She is year 13. The expectation is that the student books the appointments for the parent (there is no other option).

DD is point blank refusing to do so. Says she's 18, an adult and it is pointless.

AIBU to expect to go to her parents' evening? She thinks I am utterly ridiculous and 'no one' elses' parents will be going and most teachers aren't evening doing appointments (yeah right).

Interested how other parents would play this.

Contact school and detail the issue, say you’re concerned for her. If you can’t go to parents evening just ask for private appointments with her head of year or make individual teacher appointments. Can you track her grades on MyChildAtSchool or something like this?

As someone who has single-handedly funded two “adults” at uni, I’d say the potential benefactor had a right to at least advise on the next step at age 18. When did complete disrespect for the people who have raised you and funded you to adulthood become the norm? BTW parents are not compelled to top up any student loan, it’s a choice.

That might just mean she decides not to go to university.

Exactly

The teenager can do that any day they want at school.
Parents evening is so the parents can get an update. So the teacher can pass on any concerns about whether they are doing what is required for the exams.
I'd bet good money this DD hasn't been getting the grades in mocks, hasn't been handing in work and is on target to fail her predicted grades. The DD knows all this and doesn't want her parents to know because they will put a rocket up .

What's she going to do with a bunch of Cs then?

Has she applied for uni, were you involved in her choices and were they realistic given her academic performance. Did her future revolve around bf aspirations perhaps? It seems she has had a lot of independence all of a sudden, with few boundaries and expectations. I agree it feels as if she is hiding something by trying to exclude you.

I’m surprised by responses here! I wouldn’t go if my eighteen year old didn’t want me to. My child’s college wouldn’t speak to parents post 16, and wouldn’t even tell us what their grades were. They had to sign consent for us to be kept informed, but even with that, they were very cagey. Our child has additional needs and they wouldn’t even invite us to his review or tell us when it was without his signed consent, and when he decided he didn’t want a review or his support in place, they discontinued it and wouldn’t inform us.

Colleges and schools seem more aware of the law

So take no interest in your child's education and future?

Glad my DC's grammar school isn't like this at all

That's pretty harsh.

I can't see how you can even get that from the PP wrote.

Lots of parents trust their children whilst also taking an active interest and providing support.

Not knowing what A levels your child is doing is extremely unusual.

And that's absolutely fine, she can make that choice, it's her choice of education & future career. I'm trying to say, that if my daughter (currently yr12), was rude, not attending classes & being cagey about how A Levels are going, to the point of banning me from parents evening, just because they're 18 & legally an adult (whilst being expected to financially support them through uni soon), I would expect to have a proper sit down talk about what her future plans/expectations are.

Of course you should sit down and talk to her about her future career choices. Every parent should do that but surely that should happen regardless of whether you are expected to fund them.. I'm just questioning whether it's a good idea to start effectively blackmailing children by saying you won't fund them at university unless they do what you want. What would you be hoping to achieve by doing that? It's not the student's fault their parents earn over a certain amount, and this is used as an excuse not to give them a full loan.

It's exactly what my children's grammar school was like. Also, I don't remember being invited to any parents' evenings once they were 18.

If the parent can't get them to work and they're 18 years old, there's nothing they can do about it.

It's a choice because you don't have to fund children once they're 18. That doesn't mean it's a good idea to start blackmailing them by saying you won't fund them or contribute unless they do the course you want you've got to think about what you hope to achieve.

Who said anything about blackmailing them or not funding them?! I'd just want to remind her that as a dependant adult, we as her parents are still very much responsible for her, even though she's now 18, & we need to know what's going on if things aren't working out at A Levels. It's better to get it all discussed & have a plan of action instead of outright refusing to have parents knowing about it & then potentially struggling at uni for similar reasons. Personally, we'll be on a tight budget with the top up needed to bridge the gap between the actual uni costs & the uni loans & I'd rather help finance her doing something else that works for her, if uni was going to be a struggle for her.

Since when do parents not attend parents’ evening?!! Seriously?

If DD is expecting parental contributions towards living costs at uni you could remind her that these are not mandatory for parents. Both of mine understood/understand that.

I never told them what courses to do. But we are a family and involved parents in a family do give some advice and discuss what to put in a UCAS statement or whatever might be needed. Usually this is pretty beneficial to the young people. When did parents become seen as some sort of enemy? Raising these specific young people has been a major life project of mine! I’m not dictating, I’m here to help.

Of course give them advice. I haven't suggested otherwise.That should be regardless of whether or not you fund them, though.

My kids were the same. I held the view and made it very clear to my kids, that their success or failure is in their control and if they bomb out and achieve little in life I won’t fund them through life indefinitely. Had 2 kids go through sixth form and never stepped foot In the place, did manage one online parent consultation off the back of lockdown, but other than that my kids pushed back. Both achieved well, my daughter getting 3 As despite her never allowing me to go to parents evening. They are adults and need to understand that if they mess up there are consequences and they should want to achieve well for themselves not due to parental control and expectations.

Lots of people have suggested this. Also, if you are not trying to imply this, why talk about the fact you are funding them? Do you think parents on low incomes have no right to advise their children?

I have adult children and certainly gave them a lot of advice with regard to their courses and careers. Ultimately, it is their choice, though, and I wouldn't have dreamed of suggesting that I had the right to interfere because made a contribution. It wasn't their fault they didn't receive a full loan because of my income.

Parental control? I’d say it’s parental support. Good parents tend to be motivated by love for their kids and a wish to see them do as well as they can.

@Maray1967
Since when do parents not attend parents’ evening?!! Seriously?

Right? The clue is the name...
Very odd views here