18 year old dd will not let me attend A-level parents' evening

[18yearoldhell]

Since starting sixth form, dd has become more teenagery than she ever was at 14 years old.
Rude, entitled, ungrateful and demand-avoidant. Was never any issues before and couldn't believe how we had sailed through her early teenage years.

Parents' evening email came round. She is year 13. The expectation is that the student books the appointments for the parent (there is no other option).

DD is point blank refusing to do so. Says she's 18, an adult and it is pointless.

AIBU to expect to go to her parents' evening? She thinks I am utterly ridiculous and 'no one' elses' parents will be going and most teachers aren't evening doing appointments (yeah right).

Interested how other parents would play this.

There's a difference between "Do what you want to do DC. We'll support you." And not even bloody knowing what your child is doing. My DC all did different things, we knew what subjects they did. There's a difference between supporting your child with their chosen path and complete apathy.

Then again I'm Indian and we value education and are involved with our children to help them succeed. Our children respect us and we'd never tolerate such disrespect.

I had independence and resilience, I wasn't dependent on my parent to 'help me succeed'

👍

Why do you need to be though?

I would like to be and i guess we were lucky that school asked parents to book appointments themselves (makes sense as parents know better when they are available rather than relying on teenager to book at random times).

18 year olds are allowed privacy and agency while still also needing parental support.

In OP's case I would be reconsidering the car insurance, that's going above and beyond basic parental support. But I wouldn't be thinking "if I can't go to parent evening, I am throwing her out".

As a parent of an 18-year-old, who pushed some things She always wanted us involved on parents evenings so she could show her how well she’s been doing. Therefore, we never had an issue paying for her car or anything. However, I agree with the others it’s a two way conversation and the first thing to go would be clearly the thing she values the most her independence. If she wants it, she’ll need to pay for it or toe the line and let you be involved

Then they should stop behaving like one.

The law doesn't decide who is or isn't a child based on their behaviour. Regardless, I am not sure that exerting rights to confidentiality is something a child would do.

I'd be reminding her that university loans are based on parents income, because although she's 18, she's not actually expecting to live independently & pay all her bills with no support. So although she's a legal adult, she's still expecting financial support for the next 3 years. I'd then insist on attending parents evening & if she was still rude & obstructive about it, I'd probably sit her down for a frank "adult to adult" chat, about it all.

Exactly. Can't imagine the disrespect the DD is showing.

My dd is the same age and Very similar op so I understand. Dd doesn't want me involved in anything in her life which is very hurtful as shes been my life and ive done everything for her for the last 18 years.
However our college parents evening is online so ive got the parent app and booked the slots. I've told her and she was ok with it.
I leave my dd to her independence but it does hurt. I hardly see her and feel I have no idea what's going on in her life including her next steps plans with regards to uni etc.
I try to ask but she's short and snappy with me, im often on egg shells when talking to her.
Friends ask me how shes doing and what are her plans etc and I feel awful saying I don't know as her mother.
It especially hurts when I see friends with their dcs who are still involved and seem much closer.

While she lives under your roof i think you are obviously going to be involved. If she wants independence then off she goes .

At 18 but still at school they are not really independent, are they? Parents are still housing and feeding them and have been invested in their future the whole way to this stage. Surely they should still be involved?

At the end of the day does going to the parents evening achieve anything?
Will your dd start getting better grades if you are aware of her marks in education and her predicted marks?

I'd have a conversation with your dd that if they want you to keep supporting them financially with car insurance etc then they need to be looking at ways to ensure their grades are good - so you'd like to attend parents evening.

As if they are just messing about then they might as well get a supermarket job and pay their own car insurance. Its all very well her being an adult, but with that comes expectations from you

That’s very different to my DCs school. Parents evening messages are sent directly to parents and it is expected that you will attend. Arrangements for phone call or email
updates are made for those who can’t make it, or couldn’t get an appointment. Ive had two DC at sixth form so far and each has been packed.

Maybe just email the teachers individually and ask them what's going wrong.

Email the school and state my daughter is refusing to make appointments for us, unfortunately, so could staff please email us an appointment time. I said to mine whilst living under our roof that’s the deal. Whilst we are paying for uni we are allowed to see evidence they have passed etc

This isn't a she's all acing it and doing well.

She's on the wrong pathway and needs a dose of reality

Well they wouldn't be going to Uni unless they passed.

That doesnt make someone less of an adult.

Unless your 18 year old is financially independent, then she doesn’t get to make these calls. Go to the parent’s evening. Is she expecting you to support her at uni? If so, you get to go to hear from her teachers. Woman up girl! You make the decisions as the parent.

Because OP is funding her to stay in education but has no guarantee that she's even going to school, or how she's behaving when she's there. If my 18 yo was pretending to be doing A-levels but actually failing everything and disrupting the lessons she attended, I would be telling her she needs to get a job.

Fair enough, I am just surprised at the number of people here would throw an 18 year old out for this.
No one I know in real life has ever done that - and kids have done much worse.

I don't think it's likely anyone would actually go as far as flinging them out on the street, but I'd let them start looking into the costs of living alone and working for a living without any qualifications to their name, and see if they start to feel a bit different about being a grown-up.

Well said

Of course I wouldn't be planning to fling my child out but I think it's entirely the reasonable to start to help them understand what being independent would really mean when they reach an age when they are being resentful of parental involvement.

I think it's quite reasonable that if our parents are funding us to stay in education then we need to apply some basic respect including keeping them in the loop on our progress. I was pretty horrified by peers at sixth form/university who didn't really apply themselves at all whilst their parents were bankrolling their rent and lifestyle.