18 year old dd will not let me attend A-level parents' evening

[18yearoldhell]

Since starting sixth form, dd has become more teenagery than she ever was at 14 years old.
Rude, entitled, ungrateful and demand-avoidant. Was never any issues before and couldn't believe how we had sailed through her early teenage years.

Parents' evening email came round. She is year 13. The expectation is that the student books the appointments for the parent (there is no other option).

DD is point blank refusing to do so. Says she's 18, an adult and it is pointless.

AIBU to expect to go to her parents' evening? She thinks I am utterly ridiculous and 'no one' elses' parents will be going and most teachers aren't evening doing appointments (yeah right).

Interested how other parents would play this.

At our school, parents are expected and the pupil as well.

Must've been a poor performing school. I went to all of my children's year 13 parents evenings. Got to learn how they were doing. Where they were excelling and where they needed extra support.

We didn't have parents evening in sixth form and our teachers were quite against contact with our parents.

You can support your adult children without expecting control or management in their lives.

You underestimate the power of Indian parenting

Unless they behave and respect their parents?

I'm very confused as to why you are conflating interfering & telling an 18 year old what to study (who suggested that?), with wanting to know what's going on at college & supporting an 18 year old with whatever their may be choices? Or why you are again implying I think something ridiculous, like low income parents shouldn't advise their kids, given I stated, we don't have a big income? Hey ho, I've a busy evening now, go & enjoy the sunshine 🌞

We got reports from our school and my kids were quite open with me about how they were doing. Maybe you didn't have that?

I did attend parents evening but it was never a surprise or even necessary, issues would be dealt as they arose and not saved for parents evening.

Even if you're on low income you can exert control by refusing to provide the income details to student finance. Like if someone's being a brat, refusing to let their parents know how they are doing at school then yeah, child needs a big awakening.

End of year reports came out at the end of the year. Before the real exams. Year 13 parents evening was always in the first half term and the first parents evening the school did. Definitely I needed to go and hear from the teachers directly how they were doing.

Your daughter is lying to you about no one else's parents going.

I teach Y12/Y13 and we generally have full attendance for parents evening and those that can't make it usually request a phone appointment.

I would guess that she is doing badly and doesn't want you speaking to her teachers.

If she is treating you with so little respect, then you need to step up your parenting game. Tell her that she needs to book appointments with all her teachers, and if she doesn't, then there will be consequences. I'd not be paying her car insurance if she treated me with so little respect.

Huh? Did you not actually look at the post quote history with was about medical cate

It is one of the top schools in the country, actually. I'm not saying that parents weren't involved where their children were younger, but by the age of 18, they're really relying on the girls being very self-motivated and obviously academic.They wouldn't be in the sixth form in the first place if they weren't hardworking.

I know someone whose narcassist parents did that. I thought it was really awful to refuse to give details of their income as it meant their child only got a minimum loan. They would have received a maximum one if the parent had filled in the forms.

I don't see it as blackmail. It's about understanding how you should invest in your child's future. If they are behaving like a twat and not doing word at Alevel it's not a good investment to put the money into uni. Youd be better hanging onto it for another reason to help/invest in your childs future. You shouldnt just spunk the money up the wall if they aren't prepared to take your financial investment in them seriously.

This is an adult conversation which requires an adult response and adult understanding of how much money you are putting up. You want your child to be happy - if they think dicking about at uni and not taking it seriously is going to make them happy then they frankly need a reality check.

This isn't about controlling or blackmailing. It's about making for they have a healthy and mature attitude about what they do next. This possibly includes talking about how uni isn't the option for them.

So were my DC's school. Sent plenty to Oxbridge each year. Had parents evening every year from year 7 to year 13.

As a former teacher of A level students I would tell any student who didn't make an appointment I would be calling home to speak to parents regardless (I only had a small class so this was doable). Unless the student was a real high flyer then I felt as a teacher it was important that parents knew how their child was doing (interestingly all the top grade students always made an appointment).

I would say to your daughter that she needs to make the appointments or you will need to contact the school to do it yourself (which is surely more embarrassing).

They probably won't be getting into university anyway if they are dicking about on their A-levels, so that's a moot point.

Just doing it for no reason isn't great. But doing it because they child has been horrible, rude and disrespectful and needs to learn a lesson is a valid reason.

Claerly parents evenings in year 13 doesn't make much difference then.

quoted wrong post

Always good to have parents evening in the most important year of school education. Can't think of a "school" that has parents evening form year 7-12 and just ignores it in year 13.

From my point of view (I teach A level students), I ‘jumped to this outcome’ as it reflected my general view that the OP’s DD, whilst legally an adult, is technically still a dependent as she enjoys the benefits of being financially looked after by her parents (with the added addition of a paid for car since my first post 😳). However, she also wants all the autonomy that comes with being a financially independent adult. I don’t think she can have it both ways.

In all adult cohabiting relationships (parent/child, housemates, romantic) there is a social contract that is implied. For example, if I stay at my mum’s house, I let her know what time I’ll be home in the evening. I’m 45 but it’s just courtesy. When I shared a house, I did my share of the cleaning/shopping for loo roll. In this scenario, the OP financially supports DD through education on the proviso that she is kept informed of how she is doing. I think that’s fair.

If DD doesn’t like the contract terms, she’ll need to renegotiate. I imagine the benefits package won’t come with a car this time!

Why did those parents do it?

If someone is being incredibly rude, disrespectful, not letting the parents even know what they are studying and doing, not letting the parents know what they'd been studying or hoping to do...... Then yeah makes sense.

When I was in 6th form, actually I think in fifth year as well, we were expected to go with our parents. It helped to have one conversation about A-level choices in fifth year, starting to think about uni subjects in lower 6th, then the final one in upper 6th was really for my parents to say thank you!
I wouldn't have dreamed of not booking my parents appointments with my teachers!
It's a funny time, looking back, you are an adult in quite a few areas, but still a dependent when it comes to the state and child benefit eligibility.

So because you don't think your child is respectful enough of you, you would not fill in the form, so they would be in poverty as a student. I'm starting to realise why so many adults are estranged from their parents nowadays.