18 year old dd will not let me attend A-level parents' evening

[18yearoldhell]

Since starting sixth form, dd has become more teenagery than she ever was at 14 years old.
Rude, entitled, ungrateful and demand-avoidant. Was never any issues before and couldn't believe how we had sailed through her early teenage years.

Parents' evening email came round. She is year 13. The expectation is that the student books the appointments for the parent (there is no other option).

DD is point blank refusing to do so. Says she's 18, an adult and it is pointless.

AIBU to expect to go to her parents' evening? She thinks I am utterly ridiculous and 'no one' elses' parents will be going and most teachers aren't evening doing appointments (yeah right).

Interested how other parents would play this.

Tbh, when I hit 18 I said no to my parents going to parents evening. They had been an ever present at every single parents evening from the start of school until then, they respected decision.

The law is perfectly clear. I don't think parental income should effect student loans but noone forces parents to give details of their income and they are not forced to pay either. Also it is assessed until students are 25 so do you think parents should have the right to attend parents meetings even if their child is 24?

With the additional context of her dip in grades, attendance etc, i’d be telling her that I would be attending, and that either she could book me an appointment or I would ring the school and book one directly and tell them why.

I’d also be telling her to sort her attitude towards me sharpish or the car insurance (wifi, mobile contract etc) would be swiftly under review. They’re privileges not rights, and she’s not currently earning them.

But I guess the difference in 2011 was that being in some form of education until 18 wasn’t compulsory.

You are contradicting yourself.

Its not really enforced now.

Of course the other parents are going to the A level parents meeting. Your DD is a child at school living as an independent. It sounds like she’s trying to hide things. I would be arranging it with the school directly.

Totally agree with both of you

Personally, I find it sinister that the narrative that they are 'young adults' at 16 keeps being pushed everywhere. They're bloody not. They are children.

The NHS of all places has been sending me letters about my 'young person' from the age of 13. And the GP insists at every visit that DC does not need to allow my presence. DC actively wants me there and has never expressed any interest in going to the doctor alone, to me or to the doctor. Why the weird insistence?

People aren't saying that rights are being violated for showing an interest though. I show an interest in my adult children's lives but it doesn't mean I have the right to discuss them with employers, universities, GP etc without their permission. That applies whether they are 18 or 80.

In what why am I contradicting myself?

If she's an adult then she can get a job and move out. If she wants you to continue to support her, you need to be involved in parents evening.

DSis an A level teacher and you can be absolutely sure he wants to see all the parents.

There's always a cohort who underperform despite all warnings, predictions, poor mocks, extra revision classes (almost always in the teachers own time). It should not be a surprise to those parents when the DC fails to achieve expectations in A levels.

Just email or ring to book.

At 18 my parents wouldn't be going to anything like that, mine barely knew what A Levels, etc I took.

@stickygotstuck It’s good that your DD has that kind of relationship with you, but you have to understand that there’s a significant number of teenagers that don’t have suitable loving adults in their lives to play this role. As someone who works in secondary mental health services and who had left home by 16, the use of ‘young person’ acknowledges that not all 13-18 year olds are safely at home with their parents-without discrimination and while highlighting that the law gives them certain rights about their bodies in a graduating way.

Because some teenagers would want to discuss things without their parents being there.

At 16 they have full automony over their own medical care. No requirement at all for parents to have any say

The school still have a duty of care. If a parent raises a concern and the school are having concerns it might spark a sit down question between school and the 18 year old, even if they can't tell a parent something.

So it's always worth contacting the school.

This.
Put the ball in her court.
Tell her if she wants the uni route,and needs your financial backing, she needs to be proactive in booking parents evening appintments so you can prepare for next year.
Maybe she doesn't realise that her student maintenance loan will be based on your parental income and you will need to start looking at how much you might need to top this up, (although it might be worth mentioning you have no legal responsibility as ability to do so.)
Tell her if she refuses to share her progress information you will assume you are not going to be her financial backer any more.
If you need to, I would give her a taste of financial reality by not paying her allowance so she can't afford to get petrol for her car or go out very often or suspending her phone contract. ( I would hesitate at dropping the car insurance because driving without insurance would be a worse mistake !) Say this is not a punishment, but a reminder of how she is still not financially independent.
Also say, if the news from college is bad, you still need to know to help her formulate a plan of what to do next.

What a brat!
If she's that big and 'grown up' 'ohhhh I'm an adult am I', with no input from you, she can pay for everything to maintain herself, rent included.

Thought not.

Not exactly the best kind of parenting is it. Not even knowing what your child is doing at school.

Why do posters jump to this outcome? Regardless of what the underlying issue is, just because she wants a tiny bit of adult freedom she should pay rent etc. The problem I see with parents is they tend to see their adult children as children and not adults, unless the narrative suits them. The years between A Levels and leaving for university are mine field for development and acceptance of adulthood from both side.

I was 18 and they trusted me to know what was going on with my own education.

Well seeing as she was actually taking A levels the rest of it hadnt been too bad. She was still at school and not a NEET

I was in no way connected to my parents from the age of 17.5.

The point at which DC want to attend doctor's appointments alone ought to be a decision between parent and DC. I remember sending my DC to an ophthalmologist appointment alone when she was about 14 because I just couldn't be there for a routine appointment that was impossible to move; we knew the ophthalmologist really well and I trusted her completely. At 16 my DC went to a new (highly recommended) GP and I waited in the waiting room during the appointment but the GP came out to see me afterwards with instructions. I don't think any doctor should be twisting either a parent or a DC's arm for privacy unless the doctor has safeguarding concerns that they then flag.

I'd just ring the school office and schedule it in that way.