To have said I won't be having grandson anymore?

[Fireplays]

My ds is 16 and teen years have been really difficult tbh with his behaviour and school attendance and just general attitude to everyone. He smokes weed and vapes and went completely off the rails, he was brought home by police a few times etc and as you can imagine it was an extremely stressful time.

He failed all his GCSEs, did he care? Nope. He currently goes to college but is on his last warning for attendance as he just wont get up in the morning.

He has a gf and she gave birth to their baby in June last year so he's now 8 months, considering she was heavily pregnant she did do well in her GCSEs and started a apprenticeship in January this year. I don't know what she sees in him tbh.

Before her apprenticeship started she asked me if I would have grandson 2 days a week and her mum has him the other days. I agreed and I usually pick him up at about 8:30 and have him all day I give him a bath here and get him ready for bed and usually drop him off at about 6. I also have him the odd afternoon if I can if her mum has somewhere to be as she also has younger children so it could be an appointment or whatever for them.

My son is at college (or supposed to be) during this time but even when he's home he doesn't do much for baby as “his gf asked me to babysit not him”.

The other day he came home from wherever and went to work on his motorbike.
I've told him today that if he gets kicked off his course then I won't be having grandson anymore and it'll be up to him to care for him and he flipped it back on me and accused me of not wanting to spend time with dgs and called me cruel etc and told his gf so now she's messaging me too

Was I really in the wrong?

Yes, I realise, I’m an idiot! I myself misread it!

Well not if you want an ongoing relationship with your grandchild after the gf dumps your loser son.

He sounds like an immature arsehole but don’t take it out on the girl and your grandson.

he’s obviously not going to support her so you need to do your bit

I think you should rethink. I doubt he will be able to look after the baby so really you are helping the baby’s mum get qualified and you are building a relationship with your DGs - important as you have no legal rights at all.

I’d make DS move out and find a job and support himself. He needs to learn to be independent in order to be a good parent.

You supporting him through college isn’t working. Whether you continue to look after your grandchild to help the mother out is a separate issue.

I don’t think you should stop having grandson, he’s your grandson and obviously you want contact with him. Your DS probably doesn’t give a toss if you look after his child or now as it seems he doesn’t want to. If he gets kicked out of college it’s him you should be punishing rather than your grandson and his mother.

Contact the girlfriend and let her know that you were just exasperated with ds.
Nothing you can do or say is going to turn DS into a responsible father at 16. You know you couldn't reasonably leave him in sole charge of the baby.
You could throw him out but not sure. Saying it is one thing, doing it to your own child is different.

He’s 16, he’s still a child himself and his parents have a duty to support him. Yes he’s being a shit at the moment but I imagine becoming a father at his age has been a pretty big head fuck and probably not how he saw his teens going,

Give the lad a chance to sort his shit out rather than him ending up in a shitty bedsit or hostel at 16.

I would consider it as something I do for my grandson and his mom.
Your son is unlikely to be of any use to them, so I'd support her in completing her qualifications and find suitable employment. That's the best outcome for your grandson.

I wouldn't be leaving the baby with your son. He will neglect the baby and obviously has a temper on him. You are doing his girlfriend a favour your son is obviously incapable. Hopefully she will get her qualification and ditch your son.

Huge red flag that your 16 year old son has money but you don't give him any money. Does he have new trainers, new phone or other expensive items? Is he out late at night? Does he disappear for hours/days at a time? For him to have money at 16 that does not come from family it is very likely to be something illegal. Is there a gang/drugs problem in your area?

I think you need to be looking at your son's activities a lot closer rather than writing him off as a waste of space. I'm not saying his behaviour isn't terrible but something is not right here.

Please dont stoo caring for your grandson. His mum is doing her best to make a better life for him and you caring for him 2 days a week helps her do this. You can only support your own ds so much and you cannot force him to be a parent but you can support your grandson and support his mother for his sake. Your grandson deserves as good a life as possible and you can help his mum achieve this for him. She sounds like she is trying hard to get an education which with a baby is tough to do. Your son needs to grow up but you cant force him but dont penalise your grandson because your son wont take responsibility.

This may not be true. She has established a relationship with the grandson pretty solidly, so that is a solid ground for going for GP rights if she was to be shut out. The pre-existing relationship is the key thing there.

My opinion on GP rights is one thing, but the legal basis that allows for follow up is the established relationship. It doesn't mean they will succeed, but the avenue is there to follow.

He doesn’t need to end up in a hostel or bedsit. He just needs to move out and pay someone rent and have a little distance and responsibility. He can rent a room in a house share or become a lodger - the same as many other teenagers do when they leave home or go to uni.

Why can't the baby go to a nursery?
Surely the mum would qualify for 30 free hours a week?

Your son is still a child.
Can he legally ride a motorbike at 16? He's only allowed a 50cc moped.

If your son has money which you are not providing, he's dealing in drugs or worse and is likely to end up in court and more.

How seriously are you taking his behaviour?
Have you asked where he gets his money from?

How can he rent anywhere when he has no job?
He's not an adult and no landlord would allow him to rent or even share.
He's 16.

Sharing a house or flat requires employment or parents able to fund it- and even then he is still a child, legally.

I would be throwing your son out as soon as he’s 18, he will never learn unless he loses his home comforts and has to work to support himself. I would continue to look after your grandson and focus on building a lovely relationship with him.

I'm going to take a different tack and say that OP, you do not have to sacrifice yourself to look after your grandchild, or rescue his GF. If you can, that's great, but coming from the POV of someone who has spent the last 35 years sacrificing to care for everyone else, is going to be caring for a disabled child for as long as I can see into the future, and now has elderly parents starting to feel demanding, I'd be pretty furious if I was now expected to 'do the right thing' and care for my grandchild and take responsibility for helping my son's GF too. I'm tired and when is anyone ever going to take my needs into consideration? Does my physical health, which is being affected, matter at all? It's okay to say no, enough, I can't do this. You are important too, OP.

That said, if I didn't have so much heaped on me already, I'd be willing to do two days a week for sure. If I couldn't, then I'd offer to help pay for nursery for those days (though I know not every grandparent could do that).

You do also have to consider that any decision you make in relation to involvement with the grandchild and his mother may affect your relationship with your grandson going forward, and whether you even see him at all. It's not an insignificant thing to opt out.

The other day he came home from wherever and went to work on his motorbike.

You say he's at college- is he at college or working?

Or do you consider college as work?

You shouldn’t be leaving DGS with DS if he is on drugs.

Surely this girl can access a nursery for at least some days a week?
I know the baby is just 8 months but many nurseries take babies form 6 months or younger.

30 free hours still comes with a huge amount of add ons. She’s basically a single parent, I doubt OP’s son contributes anything to his child.

There are also some quite strict criteria. The parent must earn, on average, 16 hours a week at the national living wage. If she’s on an apprenticeship where she also spends days at college, she likely won’t be earning that.

Why should he and his family get away consequence free from what he’s done? OP raised him to be this way.

Am I the only person here wondering where Children’s Services are in all of this? OP hasn’t said how old the Girl Friend/Mother of the child is but surely with the father only being 16, CSS should be involved?

Anyway, OP, the child is and will always be your Grandchild, why wouldn’t you want to have a relationship with them?

You're in the same position my grandparents were in when I was born, albeit I had no father and my mother wasn't anywhere near as challenging. Still, she refused to parent and they had a choice: leave her to it and hope she woke up before I came to harm or step in. They stepped in and I am thankful every day that they did.

I would strongly advise you to do the same. You can't force your son to parent but you can do a great deal towards preventing your grandson being harmed.

By all accounts the mother is doing a brilliant job and that’s probably why social services aren’t involved.