To have said I won't be having grandson anymore?

[Fireplays]

My ds is 16 and teen years have been really difficult tbh with his behaviour and school attendance and just general attitude to everyone. He smokes weed and vapes and went completely off the rails, he was brought home by police a few times etc and as you can imagine it was an extremely stressful time.

He failed all his GCSEs, did he care? Nope. He currently goes to college but is on his last warning for attendance as he just wont get up in the morning.

He has a gf and she gave birth to their baby in June last year so he's now 8 months, considering she was heavily pregnant she did do well in her GCSEs and started a apprenticeship in January this year. I don't know what she sees in him tbh.

Before her apprenticeship started she asked me if I would have grandson 2 days a week and her mum has him the other days. I agreed and I usually pick him up at about 8:30 and have him all day I give him a bath here and get him ready for bed and usually drop him off at about 6. I also have him the odd afternoon if I can if her mum has somewhere to be as she also has younger children so it could be an appointment or whatever for them.

My son is at college (or supposed to be) during this time but even when he's home he doesn't do much for baby as “his gf asked me to babysit not him”.

The other day he came home from wherever and went to work on his motorbike.
I've told him today that if he gets kicked off his course then I won't be having grandson anymore and it'll be up to him to care for him and he flipped it back on me and accused me of not wanting to spend time with dgs and called me cruel etc and told his gf so now she's messaging me too

Was I really in the wrong?

Your grandson and the mother need your help. Your son is failing as a father. If he continues to fail further, pulling your assistance from the mother will not hurt your son, but it will hurt your grandson.

if your son isn’t in school, tell him he needs to get a full-time job and start supporting his child or he needs to move out. Let him feel the consequences of his choices. Dedicate your resources to the mother who is working on providing for the baby.

Yes, but, should they not be involved with a 16 year old child who is the father of a child, even if the mother is doing well?

Sounds like they should be involved with OP’s family even if the son didn’t have a child.

Social services involvement automatically reduces the prospects of the child doing well.

The baby sounds well looked after, with a very sensible and hard working mother. It sounds like her parents are brilliant and supportive, and the mother likely has a good support system.

Maybe SS should be involved with OP, and her son. But it doesn’t mean they should be involved with the baby.

I understood "went to work on his motorbike" to mean "went to tinker about with his motorbike in the garage".
It doesn't seem he has a job, otherwise there wouldn't be a question around where he gets his money from.

I think her own family should be doing the care or providing for nursery care.

The son is a child. Their relationship is unlikely to last and if he's dealing in drugs, the baby should not be a part of that home, even with the OP and her H being there.

Ah, maybe, yes!

I'd be pinning him down and not allowing him near his bike without an explanation about where he's getting money.
It's clearly not legally so he's at risk.

The mother is also a child.

One child has done well for herself, gone out and started earning, and set up for life.

The other is acting like a massive arsehole.

Why should the mother’s family be solely burdened with this? OP does not say anywhere that her son is dealing drugs. It sounds more like the father is sending money, given he bought the son a motorbike.

You think the baby is solely the responsibility of the mum, including costs of nursery? Seriously?

You're understandably very angry with your son, however it sounds like you're conflating your feelings about him, with those for your grandchild. If it were me, I'd try to separate completely. You have your relationship with your grandchild (and his mum). You have a different and independent relationship with your son. Same as if I fell out with my DH, it wouldn't affect how I felt about my SIL or grandad or whoever.

I wouldn't have said that, it's not the grandson or his mother's fault your son is a deadbeat

This is a hard spot for you to be in. Of course you are fed up with your son. I would be, I'd also be really hurt that he was treating his baby like that.

I would keep helping out the girlfriend. That is also helping you DGS out.

I think if op can for her benefit of having a relationship with her grandson she should keep helping because even she knows her son is a deadbeat.

The mum is trying her best and is relying on help of grandparents. If op removes that now she risks her own grandchild’s live becoming much harder and she won’t be getting visitation via the mother only what the son would give which let’s face it is likely nothing.

If op wants to be though on her son by all means but leave the innocent out of it.

He stays in college or gets a job or you will kick him out that’s what needs to be done. Also find out where he is getting money from. Likely your husband is indulging him or his up to even more bad things.

Grandparents don't always have the personal resources (of many types) to be able to step up. Generally it's the women who do the caring and are also expected to step up in these situations, no matter what else they are coping with (maybe already barely coping). We know the father of the baby is a deadbeat. What about the grandfathers of the baby? How are they stepping up? Or is it just the women who are expected to put themselves aside here?

Sounds like the mum’s dad is doing a lot.

It’s only OP and her lot who aren’t.

The OP says he has a job. He went to work on his motorbike. So he has a job and transport.

I hope the gf sees sense soon. Does she realise how uninvolved he is?

Unfortunately I think your grandson would be at risk if DS was left to look after him, it doesn't sound like he would be able to cope with a baby. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but the safety of your grandson needs to come first.

First of all I just want to say you sound like a wonderful, generous person and your Grandson is lucky to have you.

I do think you need to separate your relationship with your son and the relationship with your grandson/grandson's mother. Don't punish her for your son's behaviour, that's what you would be doing by refusing to look after him. Obviously it's totally up to you but assuming you enjoy having a good relationship with your grandson then I wouldn't stop having him

Unless you are happy to not have a relationship with your grandson moving forward then you need to keep looking after him . Your son is a waste of space from the sounds of it and this girl won’t be staying with him forever so you need to concentrate on your relationship with her because at some point your grand son is going to have a stepdad and you still want to see him then .

OP didn't create this child. It's not that I would step up in this situation as I could myself, I just get fed up with always being expected to set myself on fire to keep other people warm. I may be projecting massively here, but if OP doesn't have the personal resources to care for her grandchild, then she should say she can't. OP matters as much as the baby's mother and the grandchild. Of course, there may be consequences.

No, but she created and raised a deadbeat dad. As much as that is harsh for her to hear, she did. As he’s still a child, she is still responsible for him.

She has a hand in this situation. She is incredibly lucky that the mum is an amazing person who seems to be determined to do the right thing. The least she can do is help out with childcare so that the mum can increase her earning potential and give the child a good life.

This 100%…

Did the boy's father not also raise a deadbeat Dad? Where is he in this? Why is no-one calling for him to sacrifice his life and well being here? (Okay, maybe it's not like that in OP's situation, but it would be for me). I'd offer to pay for childcare instead if I really couldn't do it though.

OP isn’t being asked to sacrifice her life, ffs.

OP’s husband isn’t the one making threats here. She is. So her role in this needs to be acknowledged. She raised a deadbeat dad (jointly with her husband, but he isn’t the person posting this thread).

Why should the mother of the child be left to do it all alone?