To have said I won't be having grandson anymore?

[Fireplays]

My ds is 16 and teen years have been really difficult tbh with his behaviour and school attendance and just general attitude to everyone. He smokes weed and vapes and went completely off the rails, he was brought home by police a few times etc and as you can imagine it was an extremely stressful time.

He failed all his GCSEs, did he care? Nope. He currently goes to college but is on his last warning for attendance as he just wont get up in the morning.

He has a gf and she gave birth to their baby in June last year so he's now 8 months, considering she was heavily pregnant she did do well in her GCSEs and started a apprenticeship in January this year. I don't know what she sees in him tbh.

Before her apprenticeship started she asked me if I would have grandson 2 days a week and her mum has him the other days. I agreed and I usually pick him up at about 8:30 and have him all day I give him a bath here and get him ready for bed and usually drop him off at about 6. I also have him the odd afternoon if I can if her mum has somewhere to be as she also has younger children so it could be an appointment or whatever for them.

My son is at college (or supposed to be) during this time but even when he's home he doesn't do much for baby as “his gf asked me to babysit not him”.

The other day he came home from wherever and went to work on his motorbike.
I've told him today that if he gets kicked off his course then I won't be having grandson anymore and it'll be up to him to care for him and he flipped it back on me and accused me of not wanting to spend time with dgs and called me cruel etc and told his gf so now she's messaging me too

Was I really in the wrong?

Oh I really feel for you OP.

But I feel like your son is still a kid himself. No, he's not a great dad. But he's a child. Really you need to be parenting him and the grandchild too. He's too young to have made the decision to be a father and to know what it would entail. Young people's brains don't stop maturing until they are in their 20s.

I know this is a very hard thing that has happened to you but I think you need to parent your son with love, care and boundaries and absolutely grandparent your grandchild the same way.

I wonder if there are charitable set-ups that can help young families in this scenario. What they almost need is a foster-parent for all three, your son, his girlfriend and the baby.

Hes clearly not getting anything out of college if hes hardly there so why worry about that. College requires effort and commitment which then leads to a job. He doesnt sound capable of any of these things right now.

How is he buying vapes and weed and running a motorbike?
Discuss with your husband how much rent he is going to pay you, then sit him down together and explain the new rules. He needs to get a job and pay rent. If he doesn't get some kind of job, then you sell the bike to cover rent for a few months.

If he has no form of money from you or your husband id be concerned about county lines too.

Seperate him from the baby and continue helping his mum

Ffs, you’re not going to do a thing, are you?

You won’t take the bike away coz he has access to the keys? Here’s an idea - remove the keys. But that’s too much like hard work for you, right?

And the other excuse of it being pointless because taking stuff away hasn’t worked before is just a cop out. It doesn’t matter. You take it away. If he doesn’t follow the rules then you keep it away and he lives without it. Right now, he isn’t following the rules but gets to keep it. Which is better parenting?

Even if that were true, and it’s hardly as if children or teenagers cannot turn out ‘badly’ despite the best efforts of the parents, she is not responsible for her grandchild.

Agree with previous poster.

She will probably see the light and dump your son. The best thing you can do for that little guy is to help his mum get the means to support him.

Also, do you want her to not include you in her child’s life after she dumps him?

I’d want to do all I could to support the mum achieve her qualifications BUT she is asking a lot of you and probably should be looking at a nursery or childminder. I’m absolutely certain she’ll qualify for free hours and grants in her situation.

I feel bad for both you and her mum in this situation, her mum has her own life and younger children to deal with. It’s very sad and your DS is obviously nowhere near mature enough to deal with a child.

I 100% would not stop supporting your ds GF with child care. The reality is she is the only parent of your grandchild who is trying to secure the ability to be able to provide a future for him.

This relationship won't last and she very lively will raise your GC as a single mother or as part of a blended family. Your future relationship with your GC is going to come down to the relationship you have with her. Pour into her and your GC.

Your son will either find his path or he wont. He isnt mature enough to give a shit about if you do anything for his child or not.

Please support your gs and his mum if you can. Your son is a waste of space atm and I wouldn't give him anything at all.

I’d be concerned about this, could he be dealing drugs?

I would continue to support the mother of your grandchild. Your son is living consequence free so in your shoes I would sell the motorbike to start. Is he your youngest?

I think making your care and support for your DGS conditional on DS behaviour sends a bad message. DGS is not a bargaining chip - what about him and his bond he has developed with you?

If you care for your DGS then care.

I would however place other consequences an expectations on your son re work/study and developing a sense of responsibility.

You dont know where your 16 year old gets money from?

You must know its not going to be a legal way, right?

You need to know. You have to find out.

Re your grandchild. You can help your grandchild have a chance at a better life by supporting his mother.

It’s a hard situation but the only person you’d be punishing by stopping the childcare is the child’s mum and it sounds like she is really trying her best to get some qualifications etc as a young mother, I wouldn’t want to hurt those chances just to teach your son a lesson if I were you.

If my daughter got impregnated by some feckless layabout who then proceeded to bin off all his parenting responsibilities while she worked full time to improve her situation, and his mum responded by declining to contribute to the child's care either, I would take a pretty dim view of the whole family tbh. Your son's girlfriend would do well to move on from the lot of you, access whatever support she can from the government, and continue doing what she doing to better her situation and provide a decent life for her child. I presume your son doesn't contribute financially to his child's needs?

In these circs I would help out with the grandson. His father sounds like a bit of a hopeless case whilst the mother sounds like a grafter and a good parent. It's likely that the more help she gets now, the further she will be able to go in life to support herself and your grandson.

You need rid of the oversized baby not the actual baby.

You can't legally ride a motorbike until you're 17. A moped up to 50cc, yes, but not a motorbike.

If you are able to continue looking after DGS, I think you should, so his mother can be in the best position to give him a stable and secure future. If you do decide to continue with your two days of childcare, it might be worth mentioning to the mother that you will continue this, and continue to be a loving grandmother, regardless of her relationship with your son. She may be feeling trapped in the relationship because she is relying on you for childcare and fears if she breaks up with him, you will stop your support.

This.

I agree with this and would separate the issues with your son and caring for your grandson @Fireplays

Think if it as helping her and the baby as they are the ones that will benefit long term from her being able to work and study.

What you do about your son is a different issue so it’s fine to put in boundaries about what you expect in terms of behaviour but you maybe have to ride out some difficult times if he gets kicked off his course. He’s too young to be fully independent and it sounds like he’s pretty lost at the moment.

You’re desperate for your son to get his act together and trying to use the baby as leverage to force him to change. I would focus more on your main leverage as his parent - you’re supporting him financially, his food, roof over his head. Make it clear that if he’s not in education (and taking it seriously) or employment (and paying you rent) you’re kicking him out at 18.

Her grandson, fgs. RTFT.

I don't think stopping caring for the baby is the right answer here, it's helping the Mum, and your son sounds useless so I wouldn't be leaving a baby in his care, even if it is his baby. Somehow your son needs to sort himself out, but stopping caring for the baby is punishing the Mum and you might end up not being able to see the baby, if she sees how useless your son is and stops wasting her time on him.

Op if your 16 year old has enough money to buy vapes, run a motorbike and buy weed with no obvious source then that's a major red flag for child criminal exploitation. That needs to be addressed urgently and you need to involve social services on that front. He also obviously needs serious education around parenting work.

In terms of the childcare issue, I understand where you're coming from but ultimately your son is proving himself not to be a safe person to care for your dgc on his own. Leaving him in your sons care unsupervised would be a real safeguarding concern that could impact on his gf and ultimately your dgc. So I wouldn't be risking that at all.

Ultimately the best thing you can do here is get professional help to address the serious concerns with your son, do what you can to support the girlfriend to get her qualifications and get herself to the point of independence and try to maintain a good relationship with her so you can retain a good relationship with your dgc.

I'd explain to her what your son said and that you were trying to keep him accountable so he's also stepping up to support her. But make it clear you will always do your best to help her out because you see how hard she's trying and credit her for that.

Best case scenario here is that she furthers herself and creates stability for your dgc and herself and your son is extracted from what he seems to be caught up in and gets help to become more involved and appropriate.

Are you seeing it as you looking after DGS to do a favour to DS? It is a bit confusing because it sounded to me like the original agreement was with DGS' mum rather than with DS, as childcare for her apprenticeship. And as such I don't think it should be dependent on DS' behaviour. I think you should decide whether you want to look after DGS or not, and communicate that to his mum (and it would be courteous to give her enough notice to arrange alternative childcare if you no longer want to, since she's started this course on the promise of childcare from you and her own mother).

Whether or not you agree with DS' behaviour or think he needs to look after DGS more, I think you need to separate that from your relationship with DGS and arrangements agreed with his mother. Don't use DGS as a pawn to try to manipulate or guilt trip DS into something, it's not DGS's fault.

OTOH if you're saying that you are only looking after DGS so that DS and gf can continue in education, then you should state plainly to DS, at a calmer time, not when you're both emotional, that you are looking after DGS so that he can attend college, and if he is not attending college then he can look after DGS himself. And then ignore any protests or claims he has about this because it is irrelevant - you've made your position clear.