To have said I won't be having grandson anymore?

[Fireplays]

My ds is 16 and teen years have been really difficult tbh with his behaviour and school attendance and just general attitude to everyone. He smokes weed and vapes and went completely off the rails, he was brought home by police a few times etc and as you can imagine it was an extremely stressful time.

He failed all his GCSEs, did he care? Nope. He currently goes to college but is on his last warning for attendance as he just wont get up in the morning.

He has a gf and she gave birth to their baby in June last year so he's now 8 months, considering she was heavily pregnant she did do well in her GCSEs and started a apprenticeship in January this year. I don't know what she sees in him tbh.

Before her apprenticeship started she asked me if I would have grandson 2 days a week and her mum has him the other days. I agreed and I usually pick him up at about 8:30 and have him all day I give him a bath here and get him ready for bed and usually drop him off at about 6. I also have him the odd afternoon if I can if her mum has somewhere to be as she also has younger children so it could be an appointment or whatever for them.

My son is at college (or supposed to be) during this time but even when he's home he doesn't do much for baby as “his gf asked me to babysit not him”.

The other day he came home from wherever and went to work on his motorbike.
I've told him today that if he gets kicked off his course then I won't be having grandson anymore and it'll be up to him to care for him and he flipped it back on me and accused me of not wanting to spend time with dgs and called me cruel etc and told his gf so now she's messaging me too

Was I really in the wrong?

Of course your son OUGHT to be looking after his son. But he isn’t going to.

What future do you want? Do you want to tell the hardworking mother of your grandson that you won’t help her because your dickhead son won’t either?

I would support your grandson and his mum. It’s not their fault your son isn’t stepping up either.

@Fireplays , no of course you weren’t in the wrong. I really feel for you, what a nightmare. Hopefully someone with some experience comes along and can offer some helpful advice regarding your wayward son. I can only hope you find a way of improving the situation. 🙏🏻

Yes this

No wonder she’s panicking, it doesn’t sound like it’s particularly safe to leave the baby with your son and if you are not going to look after him anymore, especially at short notice, her apprenticeship and future is at risk.
Also, why would you want your grandson and your relationship with him to suffer because his dad is being useless.

My son was a young dad, unfortunately he had already split up with his girlfriend before she knew she was pregnant.
It wasn't easy because though he loved and kept in contact with his child, he was irresponsible.
We paid money towards our grandsons keep when he couldn't., we also kept in close contact, helping out when we could.

Years on we have a fabulous relationship with grandson and his mum, who remarried, thankfully providing GS with a brilliantly responsible step dad.
Son also has a great relationship with his own son, so things can work out....eventually.

Depends what future you want for your grandson....

Do you want your grandson to have a good life with his mum?

Or do you want your grandson to live in poverty with his mum?

You're helping her which helps him ...

I'd be booting your son out the day he turns 18 though if he hasn't sorted himself out...

If you're otherwise able to continue caring for your gs (it's not interfering with your physical or mental health or taking time away from something you absolutely need to be doing) then I would continue. But assuming your son lives with you, I would also be giving him a great deal more responsibility around the house and remove any non-critical financial support from him (not from your gs, if you're providing any). You can't force your son to parent his child (and of course he can't "babysit" his own child - what an idiot!!) but you can probably cut into the amount of time he's lazing around and playing the fool while others do it.

I agree 100%.

However, op, I hope your son grows up and takes some responsibility for his little son. He is very young at the moment, there's time.

It's good the girlfriend is doing well.

So are you doing well in helping to care for your grandson, bless you.

With kindness, I don't think your son could cope with his 8 month old son. You don't want anything to happen to him, he just doesn't sound responsible.
Do it for his girlfriend

I agree with this. If you help her to make something of herself in turn that will hopefully give your dgs a stable home with her in the future.

You're doing this for her and your grandson. Not him. He doesn't give a fuck, it doesn't affect him.

In these circumstances I would really consider kicking out your son.

You should still babysit. It will build up your relationship with you GS and it is helpful to the girlfriend.

You shouldn’t punish your GS or the girl for your waste of a son. Get him out.

The only ones you’ll be punishing by not looking after your Grandson, is the baby and his Mother….
Your Son obviously doesn’t give a flying fig about anything bar himself, I wouldn’t leave him with a vulnerable infant to care for even if he does get kicked out of college.
If you can look after your Grandson to help out his Mother do her apprenticeship then you should continue, it is her that the child is going to have to rely on because to be blunt your Son is useless.
If you resent looking after the baby, are financially struggling so need to fill the time with paid employment instead, then you should say so so alternative arrangements can be made that don’t include his Dad being left in charge…
I would also be making sure your Son is using contraceptives and checking somehow that his girlfriend is also on some sort of contraception. The last thing you need is another Grandbaby arriving on the scene.

Your son is a shit dad ….if you don’t want to care for your GS that’s fine….but the 2 things are separate of each other….you aren’t doing it for your son,…you are doing it because you want to invest in Your GS future and to spend time with him as his Granny…..be careful….or you may end up not seeing the baby at all

Unfortunately i think you are punishing the wrong people if you refuse care solely on the basis that your son is useless.

I'd be more inclined to continue to put my time into the positive relationship you've fostered with your DIL and DGS and if your son drops out/is forced out of college I would categorically be leaving him to sort himself out/not lending him money etc. This way it is your son that is directly affected by his poor life choices.

Did you have to give up work to take on these 2 days of childcare? If you are financially suffering and need to work, then yes give it up. But don't give it up to spite your idiotic son.

I don’t see how it’s fair to punish your grandchild for your son’s failure to show up as a father.

Yes, as others say, try and care for the baby, mum sounds like she's trying her best but will need both grandma's help. I hope too that you're enjoying being a grandma, though earlier than expected!

Your son, if he gets thrown out of college, all I can say is stop paying for things. If he doesn't want to get his act together and you pick up the tab he will not learn. When he can't afford his motorbike, his weed, his vapes the penny may start to drop. While you can't force him being a good dad, you can stop him being a freeloader with you.

Does your son smoke weed in your home?

@Fireplays

I think I'd have to look at it as helping DGS's mother help herself. Since it sounds as if your DS isn't going to step up (sorry) then the best thing is to insure that DGS's mum is as best able to provide for her son as she possibly can.

But I'd also be telling my son that if he doesn't get his shit together as far as completing his education he'll be out on the streets. He needs a swift kick up the arse and sometimes that means tough love.

Please do not let this child look after the baby.

if anything, tell your son you’re not looking after HIM anymore. Hope the GF dumps him too

Oh I just feel so sorry for the baby in this situation. If I was able to I would still look after him in this situation, but I wouldn’t be providing my son any financial support other than the roof over his head and food in the fridge.

I think this lad has some completely wrong ideas in his head. He needs to be told (even if he doesn’t listen):

When this baby came along you and your girlfriend became responsible for him 50/50. That means 3.5 days a week are her job and 3.5 days a week are your job. How many days do you spend looking after him? It’s none isn’t it. What’s your excuse for that? That you’re going to college - well then make sure you go. If you’re at home your job is caring for your child - I will kindly help you and show you if you’re not sure how to cook, bath and play with him. But this isn’t my baby, I love my grandson but he is your baby and your responsibility and part of becoming a man is taking on your responsibilities.

What went so wrong that he is like this? I’m sorry but when it starts from young teen years, you have to look at the parents. Where is his dad?

So, her mum has the baby 3 weekdays and you have it 2 days? When exactly does your son parent?

What are the consequences when he doesn’t go to college? Where does he get his money from?

It doesn’t sound like you parent your son, and now you’re going to leave the grandkid to the girlfriend and girlfriend’s mum? Usual story isn’t it; feckless boy and he and his family dump all responsibility on the girl and her family.

You need to kick your son out if he doesn’t follow all house rules, go to college and get passing grades. You need to stop giving him any money or financial help and only support your grandson.