To have said I won't be having grandson anymore?

[Fireplays]

My ds is 16 and teen years have been really difficult tbh with his behaviour and school attendance and just general attitude to everyone. He smokes weed and vapes and went completely off the rails, he was brought home by police a few times etc and as you can imagine it was an extremely stressful time.

He failed all his GCSEs, did he care? Nope. He currently goes to college but is on his last warning for attendance as he just wont get up in the morning.

He has a gf and she gave birth to their baby in June last year so he's now 8 months, considering she was heavily pregnant she did do well in her GCSEs and started a apprenticeship in January this year. I don't know what she sees in him tbh.

Before her apprenticeship started she asked me if I would have grandson 2 days a week and her mum has him the other days. I agreed and I usually pick him up at about 8:30 and have him all day I give him a bath here and get him ready for bed and usually drop him off at about 6. I also have him the odd afternoon if I can if her mum has somewhere to be as she also has younger children so it could be an appointment or whatever for them.

My son is at college (or supposed to be) during this time but even when he's home he doesn't do much for baby as “his gf asked me to babysit not him”.

The other day he came home from wherever and went to work on his motorbike.
I've told him today that if he gets kicked off his course then I won't be having grandson anymore and it'll be up to him to care for him and he flipped it back on me and accused me of not wanting to spend time with dgs and called me cruel etc and told his gf so now she's messaging me too

Was I really in the wrong?

You do not want a child cared for by a weed smoking idiot.
Keep caring for DGS and supporting his mother intil her qualification allows her to be independent. Don't take any bedrock from under your vulnerable DGS and his mother.

Ask DS to find elsewhere to live if he drops out of education. Do not allow smoking/vaping, weed or other drugs in your home.

I would also treat him like a regular 16 year old and require him to get up, dress up and show up every day of his life. And to help out with cooking, cleaning and back yard chores - in exchange for accommodation, food and family support.

If ds flunks out of education then give him notice to leave home. A weed smoking self centred person like this isn’t a good parent I would not be pushing that responsibility into him if he is resistant. If you don’t want to care for your grandchild that’s completely acceptable it’s not your child. But don’t stop caring for grandchild to punish your son or try teach him a lesson- it won’t work and it’s not what is best for grandchild.

if you want a relationship with this grandchild then I’d suggest keep doing the childcare if you feel willing and able. Maybe your son will stop being part of his child’s life and if you have stopped childcare that will be it for you too.

my ex was a horrible man but my mother in law was lovely. She was so happy to be a grandmother and while not local always wanted to help out whenever we visited. She stood by her son when we split and now ex has decided he doesn’t want to parent and has drifted off. My dd loves her Nan but doesn’t really know her because that relationship died along side the relationship she had with her father.

one day this baby’s mum will wise up and dump your kid. If you stand by her impartially (you don’t have to turn on your own kid just stress your relationship to grandchild is separate and your relationship to grandchild’s mother is that and not a relationship with your sons ex) if you stand by the relationship you have with grandchild you will be involved if you stop childcare in a misguided attempt to get your son to step up you will loose grandchild. Baby’s mum doesn’t care why you threaten to withdraw care all she can see is the impact it will have in her because clearly she knows your son won’t step up/isn’t for to

Definitely sounds like he needs to see a good doctor. If speak to the surgery and find out which doctor is the best for teen mental health. It could also be depression.

I understand you're at your wits end, but also your disdain or dislike for your son comes across strongly. It's very hard if he feels like he's failing to have disapproving parents. Family therapy might be worth a consideration as well, where you go with an open mind to learn about your relationships. Do not say it's because there's something wrong with him - he probably wouldn't go.

OP really feel for you. Tough situation. Any fool
can criticise and most do but it’s clear you’re doing your best to navigate this challenging situation. Your DS is young. Not going to be easy to help him mature and be responsible. This life stage of his won’t last forever. Have you tried approaching it from a how do we work together to support you and dgs without his care falling to you? DS maybe overwhelmed and reacting extremely badly all in. Sounds too like dgs like to have you in what is a chaotic situation otherwise. Might DS do better in a supported apprenticeship? Learn a skill. If he likes bikes/cars karting or mechanic could be an option. Find him something he’d do even if he didn’t need the money. Help him write to local employers.

I understand you're at your wits end, but also your disdain or dislike for your son comes across strongly. It's very hard if he feels like he's failing to have disapproving parents.

Reads to me more like OP strongly disapproves and dislikes DS actions (and inaction) but all she’s doing shows love.

Your DS is looking after his bike better than his son, you state, could it be something for him to channel his energy in a positive way like try studying for an mechanical apprenticeship.
Also try to persuade him to go to the gp to ensure that there's nothing physically wrong with him if he's constantly tired.

Keep supporting the grandchild and his mother as you are helping them build a solid and secure future with or without your son and if they split up when she sees sense you will still have a strong bond an d relationship. In the meantime stop cooking for and doing things like laundry, changing his sheets etc for your son and give him no money. Anything the baby needs but directly. Make your sons life less easy and it might go a ways to give giving him the kick up the arse he needs.

This^^

Well if the motorbike doing-up project didn’t work how come it’s roadworthy or not sold on? And if you’re only giving him lunch money how can he afford vapes and weed? I’m sorry but being “at your wits end” is one thing, not looking at the problem and its causes squarely in the face is another.

A lot of posters dont seem to understand what it's like to try to parent or discipline a 16 year old. They are nearly adults and no, you dont have much control or influence anymore. You can threaten and punish but with children like the OPs DS that's usually ineffective.
And the amount of posters citing ADHD and CAMHS... the usual on Mumsnet!

Your son does not sound capable of safely looking after a baby’s physical and social needs.
You’d be worrying about him being left in charge of your little grandson.

@Fireplays You say your son went off the rails for no reason.
Can I ask when you and his father divorced?
And how much contact he has with him?

You waited for 300+posts before you said 'your husband' is not his dad, but a step dad. (And he bought him the moped.)

I was curious all along about 'where his dad is' in all of this. And it looks as if he's not actively involved.

You also mention your son being your 'only bio child' - so what do you mean? Has your husband brought his children into the family set up?
Who else shares your home except your son and his GF?

If I were you I'd be looking more carefully at what has occurred along the way between him being 11 and now. IF it's a family break up that could be a very important factor.

The 'we' you talk about (trying to contain his behaviour from year 8)- who is 'we'?

If that is not his bio dad, is he resenting your new relationship and being 'told what to do' by a step dad?

My opinion on this is that he is simply not mature to be anywhere near tour grandson. He's 16 FGS. Many kids of his age are doing A levels, planning on uni or an apprenticeship.

I see so many posters here saying you should focus on your grandson and his future. Sorry but that is bollocks. Your own son takes priority here. Your grandson is an 8 month old baby! You have years and years to be in his life and care for him. He's a baby- he won't care if you are in his life or not at the moment.

Your son needs 100% of your attention and I think for his own sanity the baby and girlfriend should move out to her parents, to give your son space and time to sort out his life. If he wants contact with his child in future that is his choice.
He's far too immature to force parenting onto him. Just because he was capable of creating a child at 15 doesn't mean he is emotionally ready for parenting. It was a terrible mistake but he needs you or some other adult to help him.

You might want to look into mentoring support for him through charitable organisations which work with boys like him, on a 1:1 basis, to give him some purpose in life, a reason to get up every day and work on his future. He could have a person meeting him weekly for a chat, a coffee, doing something with him he enjoys, building his self worth and helping him move on. It's entirely voluntary on his part and it's free.

It’s not your grandsons fault his dad’s useless. It’s the baby’s mum you need to support and tbh I wouldn’t want to leave a baby in the care of a disinterested drug taking immature person. If you cut your nose of to spite your face now you run the risk of alienating the baby’s mum and your relationship with your grandson could suffer

I’ve got grandchildren myself and I’ve always supported the two mums of the grandkids as my ds is a hard person to both live with and in the case of his ex difficult to communicate with (my ds I mean)

Don't you think her focus needs to be on her son who is quite possibly heading for a sentence/ prison if he carries on with drugs and probably dealing in them? he's already known to the police.

The baby is 8 months old. It's highly unlikely focusing on her son's needs is going to jeopardise being a gran with an 8 month old baby!

And even if it did, her son is more important.
Her priority is her own son not be 'be a gran'.

I can understand your frustration but you risk losing your dgs and his mum altogether. You may never repair those relationships. Think carefully.

I understand how you feel but not doing the babysitting doesn't impact your son, it only has a negative effect on his GF and your GC, For that reason I'd continue if I were you 💐

She's losing her son though because he's on the verge of being in serious trouble with the police - and that is her own child- her grandchild is not.

He does not have to 'father' his child. It was an accident.

It's ruined his life at 15. Totally bonkers for a lad of 15 to be a father. So it's hardly surprising that one with no education, no job, a bleak looking future unless it's turned around, can't parent.

IMO the GF and baby should move out, the baby should go to nursery for a couple of days a week and if the GF's mum wants to pick up the other days, fine. The GF is very 'entitled' calling the shots. She chose to have the baby. She had other options.

If in time when he's sorted out his own life, the son wants contact with the baby, fine. But their relationship is unlikely to last and separating later down the line will be worse.

OP I really sympathise with you. We went through similar things with our eldest DS. He got kicked out of Uni, got in with the wrong crowd, started smoking cannabis and bringing girls home late at night to stay. One girl told him she was pregnant (turned out to be lies). We had the police bring him home more than once too. He got into masses of debt. Everything we tried was thrown in our faces - we locked him out on one occasion, he is bigger than us and sometimes got violent- we called the police and they collected him but brought him back later when he was calm and nothing came of it. Friends said throw him out but he is our son. Eventually we managed to sit him down and discuss things and we agreed on something which he wanted to do towards getting a job. He did the course (a few hiccups along the way), then started to change for the better. He's now a family man with wife and teenagers but the temper is still there (caused by smoking weed I am certain). I hope things improve for you soon.

I agree there is a certain level of support from the baby’s grandparents but there are still many negatives in that there is no fixed accommodation, they bounce between two households every week. The baby’s father is still a child, doesn’t seem to engage in any parenting, has pretty much dropped out of education, smokes weed and quite possibly uses a vehicle under the influence, disappears and his mother and step-father don’t know where he is or where he gets money from.

With that added into the equation I’m not sure which side of the ‘Good enough’ parenting threshold we are for CSS to be at least monitoring, if not giving actual support. I’m not saying the baby should go into care but there are quite a few red flags.

Calling moving between two family homes as no fixed accommodation is a bit OTT

Take care of the baby, boot the son out.

I’ve had significant problems with my own son over the years but I’ve never turned my back on my dgd.

my ds had his daughter at 17 and that was an absolute minefield, he had and still does at 26 a lot of growing up to do especially as he’s now got more kids.

my ds has significant mental health issues and ND disorders and I’ve been able to support him AND support my dgd and her mum.

my dgd didn’t ask to be born and im one of the constant things in her life. That to me is worth it

edited to add
Thats not to add I’ve had to put in some boundaries for myself and my other younger children and I am working too.

i do appreciate it’s a difficult one, but ops ds may never sort himself out even with all the love and support and then she will have lost out on a relationship with her dgs too.

There has to be compromise with all parties I think

But factual.

It doesn’t work that way. Sometimes the best raised children turn out to be wrong ‘uns. 🙄

OP has glossed over what may have happened when he was younger.

It appears, his bio father has no input and he is being 'brought up' by a step father. Who thought it was a good idea to buy him a moped and won't take away the keys.

That can be good or bad, but for OP not to mention any change in family circs that just might coincide with his behaviour for the last 5 years is odd.