Sister says my husband and I are selfish for wanting a child in our 40s

[MyTaupeSwan]

I’m 40 this year and my husband is 42 We have a son who just turned 4 and started school in September, and now we feel ready for another child. We left things quite late in terms of having kids we’ve been together 18 years, and in that time we’ve had a lot of fun, traveled, and done everything we could while we had the chance and without too many worries.

Now that we’ve finally settled down, we got married 9 years ago. We were one of those couples that were engaged for a few years not because we didn’t want to get married or weren’t sure, but because we wanted to experience other things before having a wedding. We did couples counseling to make sure we were a good match, both for parenting and for marriage. I was worried about repeating my mum’s mistakes, so I did individual counselling as well.

We’ve always wanted children, but we wanted to have our freedom and experiences first, because having a child is such a big commitment. We’ve faced a lot of judgment, mainly from my family, but we feel ready now. I think we’re great parents even though it’s only been four years, the journey has just begun. Our son is the light of our lives, and we really enjoy being parents.

I’m glad we got to do all the things we wanted before having children, but I do feel judged sometimes. My mum thinks I was selfish for not having kids in my late 20s. I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.”

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about this. We’ve decided that if trying naturally doesn’t work, we’ll try a few rounds of IVF, and if that doesn’t succeed, we’ll continue living our lives. We’re lucky to have our son, and he is incredibly loved.

Is 40 too late and are we being selfish.
Seeing my brothers and sister with all their children and their children having siblings, I want that for our son. Maybe I should have spent my 20s having children and we wouldn’t have this issue

I don’t think selfish is the right word plus it’s nothing to do with anyone else. I would have probably tried a few years ago for a sibling because of your age, I think the fact that you have lived your life first is a positive. I’m forties and o think I would be to tired now for a baby. But each to your own.

I didn’t say it was such hard work. I said I manage fine. I know loads of mums younger than me who only work a few days a week.

Nothing wrong with that at all but I was responding to the suggestion that you automatically have less energy as you get older.

What is it that we haven’t given him yet that a younger parent would have been able to give him (other than a sibling as of yet)

We are both very energetic parents playful parents we play with him constantly I lose track of time while playing with him. Our weekend are full just spending time with him, lots of activities. Most Saturdays we are both awake by 7 getting ready then getting him ready and we go to a play area that opens for under 5s at 9am, then we take him to the library to pick books, we read with him, okay with him, then park so he can ride his bike, then we go to cafe for lunch, come back to house chill for a bit, him and his dad often make muffins, then we okay some more. As he’s older than he doesn’t nap during the day he goes to sleep by 8pm most nights as we spend the days being active and it tired him out.

When I went back to work I specifically asked for flexible hours so I can have one day in the week with him (this was before he started school whilst he was still at nursery) his dad and I compressed our work so we could have Fridays off and spend it doing activities with him.

We are great parents I love being a mother and maybe I’m missing something and I’d love to know what that is ? I’ve only been a mother for 4 years I’m not perfect and I don’t think I’ll ever be a perfect mother but if there’s any advice you can give me I’ll take it. I feels as thought we do give him the same as a mother in their 20s gives their child. In my 20s I personally would not have been a great mother. I’m glad I had him in my late 30s, we are secure and settled, we have a house mortgage fully paid for, he goes to a very good school, his interests are taken into account. He doesn’t even have an iPad or any of that stuff yet granted he is 4 but I’ve seen other mothers give their children iPads and phones etc (no judgement just an observation) we haven’t done that because we would rather spend time with him and we enjoy spending time with him.

I do hope one day he does take an interest in the life his father and I had before he came into our lives.

My hubby and I are chilling with our little 4 month old now - I’m 42 and my husband is 45. We got pregnant on the first try (much to DH’s chagrin 😂). As I’ve said before on threads like these, the latest NHS maternity statistics show that there were 129,608 births to mums over 35 in England and Wales in the 2024-25 financial year. That’s nearly a quarter of all deliveries.

Like you, I’m glad my husband and I had the experiences we did before we had our little one and I’ve had the chance to have a lot of counselling, too. Deffo a stronger parent for it.

I look at my bro, a decade younger than me with his first, and he talks about everything he and his wife have given up or sacrificed. Our little one? She’s only added to our lives and I think it’s because we were ready. Looking at her now, she’s the best thing ever.

So, go for it. You have the funds, the will and the marvellously pragmatic outlook to make it a success.

Its the negative family comments that are making you doubt yourselves.
If you want another child then go for it!

Good luck OP, I hope you get your happy news.

(from a Mum who at 43 very happily and easily had a baby who is now a thriving happy young adult)

And incidentally I completely switched careers shortly after I returned from work after mat leave so I am currently establishing myself in a totally new career (along with regular exams and lots of pressure). So I can speak on that despite being near death according to some on this thread.

Oh rubbish.

Kids want parents who love them. I was born when my mum was 40 and my dad was 55. Best parents ever.

@MyTaupeSwan imagine explaining this thread to the child your sister said should never have been conceived. What a weird thread.

If you can afford IVF why wait until your eldest is 4 to start TTC again? - IVF success rates at your age aren’t great (I know because I had to drop £40k on multiple rounds of IVF to give my eldest a sibling and I was younger than 40) - means he could be at least 6 by that time he “might” get a sibling and large age gap siblings are just a bit rubbish. You should have got on with it when he was a year or two
and yeah having young kids in your 40s is honestly a bit grim at times - not to mention the lack of grandparent help as they are much older now than my grandparents were when I was born.

I can remember an older mum saying this exact same thing to me. Nothing against her we got on very well and she had far more financial resources than I did, but she did say to me that she did wish she had had her kids younger as her health started to fail and she very nearly died when her youngest was about 7 and she was in her early 50s.

That’s not to say everyone who has kids late will have this experience, my sister in law had my nephew at 45. She is tired but fine now at 50 with a 10 year old and 5 year old.

I had my kids young. Younger than would be ideal for most but it worked for me. I’m now 40 and while I don’t feel in any way shape or form too old to have a baby or raise another child right now, with my family history I probably wouldn’t have left it this late and I wouldn’t try for a baby now. But people have different family health histories.

that said OP your family don’t really have a right to say anything. Deep down, i think that my brother and sister in law having another baby late (they already have a child with a disability born when SIL was 40) was a little selfish and I do worry what the younger child will have on his shoulders in years to come, probably at an age where he will be just starting out in his own career or wanting to start his own family. But I haven’t said anything. I keep my concerns to myself because it’s not my place to judge their choices.

Love that! I sat some of my professional exams on maternity leave, my DD slept for 2 hours it was a great lunch break to study in, much easier than when I was at work.

Hope you nail them.

Oh yeah, plenty older and younger capable of more and less. Age is only one factor I guess is my point.

I would have ideally had kids a bit earlier but I didn’t meet the right person. But being older has given me a lot of perspective and life experience which has undoubtedly been beneficial. More financial security as well.

You’ve got to lose them at some point, assuming you don’t die first. Is it going to be so much less devastating if that happens at 60 vs 50? Not in my opinion. Obviously we all want our parents to live forever but in reality no one knows how long we’ll get so we just have to make the most of the time that we have.

The 40 year old having a baby might have really good genetics and a clean, healthy lifestyle. Meanwhile the 30 year old might be eating themselves into obesity and an early grave. Or maybe they have a strong family history of cancer. I don’t judge either of them just because they might not live to see their great grandchildren.

Also, fucking rude of you to imply that I wouldn’t care if my parents died.

Why are you giving this headspace? You seem to be pretty confident that you are being a good mum so what difference does it make what other people think. It’s absolutely nothing to do with them. Personally I think you are mad. Going through the teenage years in my 50’s would be hell for me but I am sure you’d think I was mad for having my kids in my 20’s.

I honestly think it's down to who you are and the age you feel. My PT and exercise class instructor had babies in her early 40s. She's now well in to her 50's not only is she more active and energetic than most women in their 30's and 40's, teaching multiple classes a week plus PT sessions, her children do a huge amount of sport and she's pretty much at the sidelines cheering them on or driving them around each weekend. I'm 48 this year and she must be 46 this year, she runs rings around me.

Don’t ask opinions about a very personal decision. I am 40 with a ten year old . I had my first child at 24 . Second time around I felt a lot calmer and more confident. I feel young and do not feel out of place at school pick up ( not that I would care ) . My marriage is 28 years old and going strong . No regrets at all .

If they had their family that young, though, they will have missed out on a lot of fun and freedom at a time when a lot of people are still discovering who they are. There's always a downside to every upside, and parenthood isn't the be-all and end-all of life.

You made your lifestyle choices (which tbh sound great) and you knew the potential implications of that in terms of declining fertility. You have your lovely son and you're not too old to try again. You may or may not be successful and are both prepared to accept that
It's really no one else's business. These are your lives and your choices. Don't give other people's opinions a second thought!

Tell her to F off. It’s none of anyone’s business at what age they decide to have a child

I think you’re getting a very hard time on here OP and I’m not sure why.

Your family reactions remind me of some DH and I dealt with when we told people we were going through the adoption process at 38 knowing if it was successful we’d be almost 40 when we became parents.

I think you can be a great parent at any age. I have friends who’s parents had them young but who died when my friends were teenagers.
Others whose parents were older who are active and who help with childcare.

There’s a lot to be said for being in a tested, long term relationship, happy in your life and financially stable before adding children and these days that doesn’t happen to many people in their 20s!

In your shoes I’d be very sharply yelling your family to keep their opinions to themselves (I’d use choice swear words but I know that’s not everyone’s style).

I agree you should do whatever you want and live your lives, don't listen to your sister.

But you do sound smug as fuck - which is probably the real issue 😂😂

57 yo single mum of 17 year old, all good here. U decide not other people

Completely normal to have children early 40s in my friendship group.

I can’t believe your sister would make this comment, it seems so cruel? Having a child is one of the least selfish things you can do. You literally give up your body, your resources, your life to give them a life.

I voted YABU because YABU to worry about your sister's view