Sister says my husband and I are selfish for wanting a child in our 40s

[MyTaupeSwan]

I’m 40 this year and my husband is 42 We have a son who just turned 4 and started school in September, and now we feel ready for another child. We left things quite late in terms of having kids we’ve been together 18 years, and in that time we’ve had a lot of fun, traveled, and done everything we could while we had the chance and without too many worries.

Now that we’ve finally settled down, we got married 9 years ago. We were one of those couples that were engaged for a few years not because we didn’t want to get married or weren’t sure, but because we wanted to experience other things before having a wedding. We did couples counseling to make sure we were a good match, both for parenting and for marriage. I was worried about repeating my mum’s mistakes, so I did individual counselling as well.

We’ve always wanted children, but we wanted to have our freedom and experiences first, because having a child is such a big commitment. We’ve faced a lot of judgment, mainly from my family, but we feel ready now. I think we’re great parents even though it’s only been four years, the journey has just begun. Our son is the light of our lives, and we really enjoy being parents.

I’m glad we got to do all the things we wanted before having children, but I do feel judged sometimes. My mum thinks I was selfish for not having kids in my late 20s. I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.”

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about this. We’ve decided that if trying naturally doesn’t work, we’ll try a few rounds of IVF, and if that doesn’t succeed, we’ll continue living our lives. We’re lucky to have our son, and he is incredibly loved.

Is 40 too late and are we being selfish.
Seeing my brothers and sister with all their children and their children having siblings, I want that for our son. Maybe I should have spent my 20s having children and we wouldn’t have this issue

Whereabouts do you live? I ask because where I live in London it’s completely normal to have babies at this age? I don’t know any other mums who are younger than 40 in my circle (young dc), and plenty are 40’s +. It’s a very quaint view that 40 is old for motherhood or anything. Just ignore it. Your approach to life sounds great.

Of course a crystal ball would have been useful but why on earth do people think you are being selfish?? You have lived a great life, saved up good money, fallen in love with your son and want to give him a sibling and are in a position to pay for intervention if needed. Sounds pretty good to me. If you were in your late 50s then I might think differently but so many people have children in their 40s, honestly. Some by choiuce, some because of fertilitly issues and some because a pre-menopause fertility surge is a very real thing.

If you have had a great time together living the life you wanted at that time and now are happy to dedicate yourselves to your kids then your kids are far luckier than to be the product of angst-ridden younger parents who can't afford time or money to dedicate themselves to their kids.Or being made to feel like an inconvenience.

Of course there are always possibilities of disasters, whatever your age is. Just be mindful of your possible complications and work on those.

Do what you want to do and embrace it. I wish you the best of luck.

Noone else’s business but you and your husbands.
Do what you want and ignore everyone else.
I’m on mat leave with my third baby, who I had at age 44 (conceived naturally)
I’m glad I had my children later in life. I’ve had my 20s and 30s going to uni, travelling, partying, enjoying myself, buying a house etc etc I wasn’t emotionally or financially ready for children until 35.

Plenty of people have children at your ages - but yes it is a bit unusual to deliberately wait until then with the increased risk of infertility and even more so the increased risk of disabilities at those ages.

How rude

My mum had me at 40, im 40 now. I was a pleasant surprise supposedly...

My mum and dsd were great and did everything and more for me.

They passed away at 78.

Wouldnt change it for the world, i was loved by them and turned out fine.⁷

And I just wanted to add - I think it matters massively if you are 15 vs 50. At 15 you are still a child, you are 100% dependent on your parents - both practically and emotionally. It’s the difference between say, 50 and 60 that ‘doesn’t matter’, other than the obvious loss of additional time to spend with them.

They're living it now though, always on holiday somewhere or other!
Personally, I think they did it the best way.

Ffs wouldn't it be lovely to have met someone in your twenties and followed the daily mail rule book.

Not everyone is so lucky. If you are still having periods you can still have a baby. Being older doesn't immediately mean the baby may have problems. A doctor told me this, she was 45 and pregnant with natural twins. She got really angry about how women are maligned by other women.

Teens think anyone over 21 is an old fogey and don't care if you might be older.

Tell your sister to mind her own business. I would be ensuring she isn't going to be fhe one having care of your child should anything happen to you both, or control of the money. Doesn't matter how old you are.

This is best post op.

My mum had me at 40, my dad 40... they b9th died very close together at 78.

I was very loved by them and had grear relationship. Id of never wanted it any other way.

I agree @ProfessionalPirate, of course there’s a huge difference between losing a parent in your teens or even your 20’s, versus losing a parent in middle age.

@DreamTheMoors One of my friends has terminal cancer and in a few weeks, she’ll leave behind a 17 and 20-year-old behind. Surely you accept that losing their Mum now is far more devastating than in their 50’s, for example? I can’t believe that you really think otherwise.

This isn’t a dig at the OP, btw, my friend’s just been very unlucky with her health.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. You sound like you’ve had an incredible life! You’re going to pass that on to your kids

think it’s brilliant! You’ll be a more relaxed mum. Probably have more money and time as an older mum. There can be complications. For example secondary infertility is rising due to later age of pregnancy.

but hey!!if you can. Do xx

I think you do need to consider how old the child might be when it loses its parents

It’s not your age, more the 5 year plus age gap that could be the problem. A ten year old won’t want to be doing stuff suitable for a 5 year old, so they are unlikely to be particularly close.

Age is just one factor that could potentially disadvantage a child. If we only had children at the ideal age, when both parents had no physical or mental health problems or disabilities, were not overweight or smokers, comfortably off financially and in a great relationship that was very unlikely to fail and leave the child with a one parent family or in a blended family the birth rate would be even lower!

I’m 42 and pregnant so I’d say fine. But don’t underestimate either the time it takes to get pregnant or the huge emotional and time commitment (let alone costs) of IVF. It’s absolutely brutal and I was lucky it worked for me third round first time and second time first frozen embryo transfer.

I had my first at 37. I’m 40 now. I would like another but financially it wouldn’t work.

It is strange in my friend group, 4 mums, 1 is a gramma, other 2 have kids ranging from 17 to 2. We are similar ages.

I don’t find it selfish at all.

I had DS at 42 he's just turned 16 so I'll be hitting my 60's when he is 18 ...not sure if he'll manage to keep up with me as I run half marathons and compete in hyrox events .I'm far fitter and healthier than many of the unfit,overweight, vaping 30 somethings I see huffing and puffing trying to walk up the hill past my house ...

Of course it’s selfish. It’s the definition of selfish really. However it’s your life and your decision, nobody else’s.

There is an increased risk with having a baby when you’re older and you will naturally always be older but I’m sure you’ve weighed all this up. If you’re happy with the risks involved, then that’s all there is to it.

40 is older but not old these days. Our retirement age will be 70! There’s a lot of our lives left to live. I have known plenty of women to have children at 40 and whilst they might have been a bit more tired, I was knackered in my 20s!! You’ll be knackered by a newborn or toddler whatever your age.

I was in a much better place when I had my second, financially and also mentally - more resilient and less selfish. Being older and potentially more mature can have its benefits.

it’s clear that you enjoy your child and want another child to enjoy too. You put effort and love into it. That’s the important bits.

I guess do what works for you. Do you often tell your family that you were living your best life etc or is that something you’ve said to us only? My sister in law left parenting very late for similar reasons and is now struggling to have a second at 41. We had our child at 25 and could never have a second and I do find that although I try to be supportive I do sometimes think she can’t expect to have everything and that her life with her daughter and many years of happiness are plenty to be thankful for.

I had DS at 21 and it was great. I dtill had a great life. DSis has a three year old and she's 50. She's a great mum. Everyone is happy.

I live in london and there is huge number of people having their first in their 40ies, Nevermind second.

your sister (and your mom!) are rude. No one asked for their opinion.

My brother and SiL had their first child when they were 19. We had ours when I was 34 and DH was 47. We spent our childless years travelling, db is travelling now the kids have left home. Which was the right choice? Neither. It’s what suited us as couples and none of us really cared what the other did, it was their business.

Omg looks like the thread is filled with bunch of losers who had kids in their 20ies and probably work in easy ‘mumsy’ jobs (if at all). Don’t listen to them.

I was 38 when I had our last child, other half was 43. My mum was 38 when she had me in the 60's which was very unusual then. Never mind what your sister thinks, if you're happy and you and the baby are healthy thats all that matters