Ok to let three year old daughter wear a play dress outside of home?

[Mothalina]

I'm lucky to have an incredibly well behaved, polite and fun 3-year-old daughter. (I'm under no delusion this will always be the case!) Recently she was passed on a second hand 'fairy' type pink dress, that I usually let her wear over other clothes when she asks. She wants to start ballet soon and likes twirling around in it. This Sunday we were about to go out to a pub lunch (nothing booked, we were just going to see what we could get) and my husband made a big deal about her taking it off before we went out. He carried her upstairs and forced it off her. She was incredibly upset and sobbed for ages after while I calmed her down. I told him she's three, it's a weekend and there is no harm in letting her wear it. It's not an expensive dress, she usually wears it a bit and then wants to take it off. To me it doesn't seem like something important enough to cause a major upset. She is a sensitive/empathetic child and brought it up again with her daddy later in the day - she didn't understand why he was unkind. He didn't give any solid reasons behind why he is so against her wearing this out. I'm strict about other things but this doesn't seem like something to upset her about. AIBU? Or am I missing something? Would like to hear others take on this situation.

Sure but that's not the same situation. Context really matters! I have unfortunately been in the position of having to pin my then four year old down for an emergency medical procedure. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do but it was necessary. Forcing the princess dress off OP's three year old - not necessary.

Personally, I couldn't have allowed that situation to happen and it's distressing that she was bringing it up later.Neither you or your daughter could understand why she was being forced to change so it just shouldn't have happened.
Forcing a dress off a child could easily lead to a small child getting injured and I'd have to have a serious conversation with him

I see no harm in a child wearing a dress out. But I also see no harm in a parent having different standards about dress and insisting on them. Not all clothes are suitable for all environments and while a lot of parents are pretty lax with young children, it's okay for some to find it inappropriate. Especially if it's a pouffy dress that gets in the way/she will want to take it off part way through and you have to find somewhere to put it in a packed restaurant/she behaves differently when she wears it and that behaviour might be inappropriate when in a restaurant (you mentioned twirling around)/etc.

Assuming your DH asked her to take it off and she wouldn't, as a general rule I don't think there was anything particularly wrong with enforcing the request. She should be doing as she's told.

Having said that, you mention that she's sensitive/empathetic but I'm not clear what the relevance of that is? It's not surprising she mentioned being forced to do as she was told if that happens rarely, but you seem to think this is more than that? Was there something more profound to it? Or is she ND?

Have you asked your husband why he didn't want her to wear it? That is the starting point for this, his reasons may be valid. I personally have never allowed my daughters to wear dressing up clothes to a meal out. There is a time and place for everything and eating a meal as a family is not the place in my view

Mine lived in their spiderman outfits at that age - they wore them everywhere! Why does your DH think it's inappropriate?

I’d have just let her wear it, he was being ridiculous. I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if I saw a toddler in a play dress.

I do think that the optics here are playing a part in the reaction. A man forcing a princess dress off a little girl is just not a good look.

A mum forcing her son to change from a super hero costume into something smarter before going to a restaurant - just doesn't have the same viceral feel..

I think everyone would have the same logical response to both, but I'd bet that the first one just evokes much more emotion in many people.

My DC wore a Cinderella dress to the supermarket when they were very small. She was happy, people were delighted to see her, and the lady who stopped and called her “Your Majesty” made her day.

I can’t believe your DH forced it off her. What did that entail exactly? He’s a bastard.

Your poor DD, your DH should be ashamed of himself making her feel so confused and upset. All our DC wore what they wanted out and about as long as it was suitable for the weather and not leaving them exposed. They become very self conscious easily enough as they grow up without this batshit bullying.

This. I can’t understand why you didn’t do something unless he is always a very aggressive controlling man. Did you ask him why he did it? I would really be considering the impact of a man like this on my daughter because it will have a lasting one and it won’t be positive

I have similar aged nieces and they wear princess dresses, dress up or wonderful creative outfits to do all sorts!
Ive had lunch out with Anna from frozen, Snow White and a few others.
One especially loves a good tutu (also started ballet recently) and when she came to visit last week was wearing wellies, leggings, sparkly tutu, a Christmas jumper with fairy’s on and cat ears…..An outfit that she then wore doing the shopping with her Dad.
As long as she’s warm no one makes her change, she has to wear a uniform to nursery so is allowed to dress herself on weekends.
When I take my son to school there is a little girl who goes to nursery everyday in a different princess dress over her clothes.
I think you need to sit down and ask what exactly the issue was with the dress and why she couldn’t wear it….
Most will probably disagree with me but I would have stepped in when it happened, and told him to put her down and leave her be. Making a small child sob their hearts out over a dress at the age of 3 when she wasn’t hurting anyone seems totally unreasonable and unkind.

What a bastard, I wouldn’t have stood for it. When DD was five she was Spiderman, as in she wouldn’t even answer to any other name. Everything she owned was spiderman related and she wore the costume and also some fetching spiderman glasses everywhere.

My DS is now also 5 and he wears a super Mario costume or onesie every single day, has done for coming up to a year. We own a few which we have to rotate. And yes he’s worn it outside more than once, is often found bouncing on the trampoline in it. Got to wear it for children’s mental health day at school the other week and was thrilled!

I remember wearing my fairy outfit and roller skates when I was a lot older than your DD! Your DH is a spoilsport and needs to lighten up.

I think it’s quite a lot worse than being a spoilsport

Haven’t read all the replies (sorry!) retired teacher, mum to adult kids, grandma too….life’s too short, let her wear it. Not only it is not worth the tears and upset, she’s little, no one will bat an eyelid. My now adult son loved to wear his power rangers suit everywhere and we let him. Last summer I let my granddaughter wear her peppa pig winter hat round Tesco’s with her summer dress on a boiling hot day. Yesterday my granddaughter wore her fairy outfit to a birthday adult restaurant lunch complete with wings and tiara. I do think some men have a harder time with it though , it’s just a lack of understanding what the bigger picture is

She's three and your husband was being a dick.

I knew a child who lived in his spiderman costume for two years.

I think i git confused in the voting but, it is normal and long may it continue! Children have little say in the world around them so it's important they feel they have some control over certain things.
If you were going somewhere particularly fancy then I understand she should take the outfit off however, do this appropriately. Discuss what is happening before leaving the house, give her a time limit to wear the outfit, pop it in the car to wear on the way home (or any toddler-based bribe!). Forcing the dress off her should not have been the first thing to try.

I remember when I was pregnant, I saw a mum in the street with her 3ish old child. Child was wearing a swimming costume, a tutu, wellies and a riding hat. That mother has been my hero for 30 years!

Presumably DH felt embarrassed at the thought of being seen with his little daughter when she was wearing a pink dress. He was horrible. Who’d want to go out for lunch with him after that? He must be a bit insecure

Goodness my now 17 year old literally wore nothing else for a good year when she was at nursery, I think at one point she had 13 princess or fairy style dresses and would even cone home from nursery in their dress up clothes if she’d spilt something in her own clothes 🤣 … she now wears jeans or black gothic style clothing like

My daughter used to wear her flamenco dress to the playground. Your husband sounds quite controlling, I hate to think what it’ll be like when she’s a teenager, unless he can see this for himself and try to change.

My DS essentially lived as a tiny Bat Man from the age of 2 - 4. All these years later, the photos of that time make me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Your DH is daft and picking the wrong battles.

That would genuinely concern me him forcibly taking her upstairs and changing her and a pretty unpleasant memory for her to have. I think you really need to talk to him about his role in her life of making her feel safe and protected.

If he is embarrassed by it, he can buy her a pink princess good quality one for outings.
He was mean and forced her to do something for no real reason, plus negated her expressing herself and being herself. I would not be cool with this. No way.
I would get it if it was for school or a formal place. But just the local pub... nope. If he had talked her about taking it off to go out, ok. But forcing it off her, NOPE.

As others have clearly said- YANBu but your husband was.
DS went to a wedding in a little very cute suit with his Batman tshirt under his shirt and his mask with us so that after the weeding ceremony he could become Batman. He was persuaded to be Bruce Wayne for the ceremony!