Paying child support for a 22yr old

[Evilstepmum81]

Need some advice about my stepchild, as I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. They are 22, not working (have never worked) but also not on benefits (yet), they didn’t finish school and now say they are too disabled to work and signing on the dole etc is “embarrassing”. They are able to socialize and take care of themselves etc and spend all day on their computer playing games and doing social media stuff so they are not incapacitated or incapable in any way in their day to day life. Their mother also doesn’t work and does claim benefits.

I’ve been on the scene 17 years so have been here a long time and helped or tried to help said child to get the skills needed for independence and self sufficiency. But they refuse to even try as they see their mum doing f all and getting on fine. My husband has continued paying child support even though legally he could have stopped at 18 as they are in uni or anything. It’s been nearly 4 years of extra payments in the hope this young adult gets their act together. They haven’t. And now I think the gravy train should stop and this young adult and their mother not receive child support any more.

My husband is scared of being the bad guy and his ex and child take full advantage of him. He pays them £1200 a month and he now earns a little over £46k so it’s a big chunk, which was agreed during mediation 10 years ago when he earned way more and we didn’t have our kids. He’s never changed the payments or missed any. I can’t grow his balls for him. But am I unreasonable to tell him to make arrangement to stop payments? We have 2 special needs kids ourselves now, I work full time, and could use the child support money to help pay for therapies etc instead of us having to go into debt to pay for these two adults. It’s so hard being a step parent. He’s a great dad and very supportive. And I applaud his commitment to his children. But he’s got to let this adult aged child figure stuff out for themselves now surely?

You need to speak to your husband and get him to stop this. He is enabling this lazy pair of feckless scroungers, who have no respect for themselves, or your husband. He is paying for the ex wife's smoking and going out. This is to the detriment of you and your children.

I would not put up with this. He is making a mug of you. Turn this around, and you are enabling him at the expense of your children.

But I am worried about the resentment or whatever else might be directed at me by his child and ex and maybe even him too as I’m sure he will be getting flack from them once the gravy train stops.

So what if they moan, let it be water off a ducks back.

you need to get harder for the sake of your kids who need support from you both. IF he won't step up get rid of him and claim UC and get him to pay for his kids properly. Going by what you have written you won't be any worse off as you do most of it anyway.

That is an insane amount of money to be paying to an ex and his 22 year old 'child' 🙄

Let's be honest, having that amount of money falling into your lap every month will not give them the motivation to find work, will it? Stop the money and tell them to get of their backside and find a job. Any job.

Also, the fact that their mother does nothing is not exactly being a good role model either.

The money needs to stop and be used for your two children, who clearly need it much more than a 22 year old who CBA to work.

I hope you are able to sort this soon @Evilstepmum81

ETA. My DH and I are both self employed, and have worked all our lives. Our eldest started work at 16 to fit around college, and my second DS (16) is about to start doing the same next week. They both have a brilliant work ethic, and know that you need to work to get on in life.

Sorry, OP but I do not know how you put up with this. He is neglecting his responsibilities to his wife and children so he can keep paying for two adults he is not legally responsible for, to not work? Do you not see how insane that is, and how unfair to you and your children? It would be a dealbreaker for me.

Make it clear that if he doesn’t change anything that will also rock the boat, with respect to his current wife and children. He cannot keep burying his head in the sand about this.

Based on the thread title I was ready to say that 22 year olds do sometimes need financial support because of cost of housing etc - but 'too disabled to work but won't be assessed for benefits' is taking the piss - not just out of you but of all the people with disabilities who work.

even if he wanted to carry on paying its way too much should be half of that can you at least show him the cms page

hes enabling both of them to you and your dc detrment

The obvious answer would be to leave your husband and get £2400 a month to pay for homeschooling! The problem is that that's roughly his monthly take home pay and he is prioritising his 22 yo bone idle child above his younger children. How are your finances currently split? How on earth is he affording this? If you are allowing him to put less in the household pot because of this then that needs to stop straight away.

You have DC with a Dad whose giving away over £2000 a month Op, that's daft, his Ex hasn't worked for 20 years so of course his DC thinks it's fine to do the same.
If your DH in his 50s he needs to be looking at his finances, for retirement, for Uni expenses, he could reduce what he gives to your DSC by two thirds and be saving it for the future.
In your place this would be a dealbreaker for me, I'm all in favour of DF paying child maintenance but not for two adults to do nothing all their lives

I would normally say that parental responsibilities do not end at 18, but that would be to support children into education or training. Here there is nothing wrong with your SCs they have just developed a dependency on your DH funding their lifestyle. It is going to be hard now, but the right thing to do is to give notice that in six months the funding will stop. After then they need to fund their own lifestyle.

A 22-year-old who didn't even finish school and who has no work experience is very unlikely to get a job in the current market. A 22-year-old with a first class degree and an intership would struggle. There is a huge gap between being able to see friends and being able to hold down a job, but it sounds like at the very least the 22yo needs to sign on for UC and do some work-related activity. Sounds like they need to make much more of an effort; however, I think it's worth taking into account that the economy means that it's very common at the moment for even the most hardworking 22yos to be bankrolled by parents.

Commitments end at the age of 18yrs, because that child is now seen as an adult and needs to support himself. He will never do anything if his father keeps paying him every month. Hismental health issues are probably due to not leaving the house, mixing with other people doing the same things everyday, without any goals or ambition. When will it stop? At what age? Never heard of anything so ridiculous. It's a tough world but somehow the majority get up everyday and try their best to make their lives good. His father is enabling his lazy, bone idle, behaviour, by paying him to behave like that. ...Just unbelievable

Step mum here. My husband stopped child support when my SD turned 18 (after always paying a decent percentage of his wages regularly through her life) - she's working full time and earns similar to me. He advised her mum to ask her to contribute to the household bills in lieu of those payments from him but also to teach his daughter about budgeting, financial responsibility etc. That didn't happen. We still support her with money for driving lessons, any training she needs, coming on holidays, clothes etc. If she'd chosen to go to uni, we'd have financially supported that too.

You're right that he needs to stop paying that directly to the mum. He could put the same amount (or half because you're right that it's a huge chunk) into a savings pot for the teen to use on something constructive like training courses, driving lessons etc as a route into work or education. At age 22 things should be different from when he was 2 or 12.

I get the whole thing of him not wanting to shake things up but it's completely unreasonable to expect £1200 a month for an adult child.

Signing on shouldn't be embarrassing if there's a genuine reason to not be able to work or learn.

Gosh I'm sorry, that was hard to read, I can't imagine how hard it is to live with.

Of course he shouldn't be paying for his adult child to sit on their arse all day.

Is he paying cash or does it come out joint account or his own bank every month? Could you cancel the payment going out?
think you need to be firm that unless he stops paying he’s gonna be looking at a divorce as your own children need that money

He's doing the 22yr old adult no favours now really, yes, support through uni, training whatever, but not to be sat idle!

no, its not common for parents to be bankrolling 22 year olds.

Sorry if this has been covered, but do you claim DLA for your children? Might be worth looking into if you don’t. The 22 year old needs to look for work asap, your husband shouldn’t be paying that much now or anything at all, bet the ex is loving it!

Op of course he shouldn't still be paying, you have a DH problem as they will take it aslong as he's paying it

What he is doing is enabling these adults' behaviour. Give them 3 months' notice that the gravy train is coming to its end - ample time to sort out some work.

What is the boy's disability ?

Bankrolling a 22yr old who is looking for work, or working and low paid, or furthering education is VERY different to bankrolling a 22yr old who is sitting playing games all day.

Goodness! you and your husband are saints.

And as for your stepchild's mother ... well, at least I know what my humungous tax bill is paying for - a waste of space, bringing up her child as a waste of space.

A diagnosis of anxiety and depression (apart from being valid in themselves) can sometimes mask underlying disabilities.

You don't mention the sex of your stepchild, but this is commonly seen in women (largely because doctors seem to prefer throwing labels of stress/anxiety/depression at females rather than investigating properly). But it can also be the case for men.

What has your husband done to support his child to either manage their mental health or get a proper diagnosis of something else?

If he's spent the last few years sourcing assessments, arranging therapy, and giving practical life advice then I have more sympathy for you. But a parent's responsibility towards their child doesn't stop at 18. If your step child has poor mental health and/or a disability, it's right that their dad continues to see them as his responsibility. I'm not saying he should pay child support forever (though it's not unusual for someone with additional needs to stay living at home longer, and this financial burden shouldn't just be their mum's). But he should be helping them source the help they need to either enter the workforce or claim benefits.

Unfortunately the dad wouldn't be able to arrange anything at all for the 22 year olds mental health. My step son removed his dads right to know anything about the mental health side of his life. He is now 30 and hasn't engaged with any mental health services in a meaningful way since it all began 10 years ago. If your step son puts in a claim for universal credit, a work coach will access functional skills courses, courses around computer packages etc etc with an aim to help him back into work. Do you mean that your DH believes he has to continue to pay maintenance because of the mental health issues? If he's been led to believe that then it's not true. It's not like an EHCP which in some cases can go up to age 25. Also if different agencies act now then the 22 yr old can he assisted with college courses etc relevant to the level they reached at school. Leave it until 24 + then that door and funding closes.