Paying child support for a 22yr old

[Evilstepmum81]

Need some advice about my stepchild, as I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. They are 22, not working (have never worked) but also not on benefits (yet), they didn’t finish school and now say they are too disabled to work and signing on the dole etc is “embarrassing”. They are able to socialize and take care of themselves etc and spend all day on their computer playing games and doing social media stuff so they are not incapacitated or incapable in any way in their day to day life. Their mother also doesn’t work and does claim benefits.

I’ve been on the scene 17 years so have been here a long time and helped or tried to help said child to get the skills needed for independence and self sufficiency. But they refuse to even try as they see their mum doing f all and getting on fine. My husband has continued paying child support even though legally he could have stopped at 18 as they are in uni or anything. It’s been nearly 4 years of extra payments in the hope this young adult gets their act together. They haven’t. And now I think the gravy train should stop and this young adult and their mother not receive child support any more.

My husband is scared of being the bad guy and his ex and child take full advantage of him. He pays them £1200 a month and he now earns a little over £46k so it’s a big chunk, which was agreed during mediation 10 years ago when he earned way more and we didn’t have our kids. He’s never changed the payments or missed any. I can’t grow his balls for him. But am I unreasonable to tell him to make arrangement to stop payments? We have 2 special needs kids ourselves now, I work full time, and could use the child support money to help pay for therapies etc instead of us having to go into debt to pay for these two adults. It’s so hard being a step parent. He’s a great dad and very supportive. And I applaud his commitment to his children. But he’s got to let this adult aged child figure stuff out for themselves now surely?

OP you need to talk to your DH ASAP. If his ex is claiming UC, and the payment is a long standing arrangement as you say, then up to the age of 16 (20 if in full time education) the payments would have been classed as child maintenance and disregarded for benefit purposes.

There is no mechanism for child maintenance to be considered after the age of 20 so if she’s not declaring these payments it’s benefit fraud, and your DH is facilitating it. The payments need to stop now and both mother and DSS need to contact DWP to ensure they are claiming everything they are entitled to and DSS needs to engage in job search activitie, at least until he has a work capability assessment.

Thanks all for your input. I agree with you all that this is ridiculous.

To answer a few questions:

my husband got laid off right after the pandemic after working his way up in a management position. He has not been able to get a role with a similar wage as job hunting in your 50s is bloody hard. No one wants to pay decent money these days. He carried on paying the same maintenance though so his first child wouldn’t be affected.

My stepchild’s gender is immaterial in this situation. Their attitude and behavior of entitlement is more important.

I feel like a mug as I have accepted this for so long and I’m tired. I work full time plus I do 90% of everything for our kids. It’s a lot to manage with drs appointments schedules, school refusal, poorly kids frequently, This all falls on me to manage. So I get so frustrated as my stepchild and his ex wife get to sit home and do f all but i don’t have that choice or privilege. But so many people have made me feel that his first priority is his first family and I “knew what I was getting into”.

The straw that broke the camel’s back might just be that I’ve decided that home education might be able to accommodate my children’s needs better but I cannot do it unless I quit work, but my husband says we cannot afford it.

I’ve got some thinking to do. Well I know what I want but I think I have to decide what my next move is. If he does stop paying then we could just about afford for me to stay at home with the kids. But I am worried about the resentment or whatever else might be directed at me by his child and ex and maybe even him too as I’m sure he will be getting flack from them once the gravy train stops.

And for those armchair psychologists his child has been assessed many times for MH stuff as his ex is trying to get them deemed incapable of work so they can get him to pay indefinitely. His child is on a low dose of Prozac and been told by us and I’m sure by Drs too that a job and life away from computer games will help them to feel more productive etc but they insist they don’t want to deal with being stressed out. So they do nothing.

my husband has a lot of guilt because he worked so much when his first child was little and his ex didn’t work once she had their child and then the marriage ended and a year later I came along, and I think in his head he just wants a quiet life where everyone is happy. He has tried so many times to get his child to do something, anything, to be self sufficient. But the child lives with their mother who has done f all for 22 years nearly so there’s no motivation. Somewhere along the way I’ve become not as important in his plans it feels like, and more important his two actual children are suffering too. His adult child is important too yes but not at the expense of us? This is where I struggle. I don’t want to make him choose but he doesn’t seem like he wants to change anything as it will rock the boat.

I know you are in a difficult situation OP but I can't believe he's still sending that money and you have put up with it for another 4 years. Money that should be spent on your children.
It needs to stop now.

Not strictly true, not qualifying for PIP doesn't mean you haven't got a disability - but even people who do qualify for PIP (which is an in work benefit) often have jobs and careers.

He doesn't have a formal diagnosis of anything, if he does indeed have anxiety and depression, it needs diagnosing and medicating, as that can be a simple gamechanger.

But ultimately handing over £1200 a month is the issue, its letting him get away with doing nothing about anything.

If mum is claiming UC, there is no mechanism for considering these payments as child benefit, so if she’s not declaring them as cash gifts she’s committing benefit fraud. DWP need to know about any income and there are rules as to what, and how much can be considered a cash gift. They will want evidence of any regular income if it’s declared as such, and whether it is being spent or has resulted in savings over the £6k threshold.

I don't think he is liable to pay forever even if he is deemed incapable of work - if that is the case the state picks up the tab.

But, as someone who suffers from depression myself and likewise takes a low dose antidepressant, he would have to be a hell of a lot worse to be incapable of work.

And the Drs are correct, work and a life away from TV and computer games will do him a power of good, might even cure the depression.

He has to see that he supported his dependent child when they were a child and beyond . Now he needs to support his dependent children he has now.

You now need to make him see your marriage could be at risk if he doesn’t stop bank rolling two adults to the detriment of his two young kids .

Tha amount is ludicrous. A rough idea of how much he might be expected to pay IF the young person was still at school/college on an income of £48k is £637 per month!

A couple of people have said that they don't stop being your children at 18 etc etc and that many 22 year olds are supported by their parents. Not in my experience they are not. yes, there is often a transitions between 18 and 21 (usually when they are students and starting a career) but it is generally bunging them the odd £50 here and there, maybe once a month.

My son is 21 (neurodiverse and at one point we thought he would never work). He is in his final year at uni so still supported by me. But he has a maximum of £5,233 per year, works out at less than £500 per month. That's all a parent is meant to be contributing at that age only IF a child is still studying.

Beyond that, as parents, we expect our children to be financially independent by that point. Enabling a young person to develop the attitude that they don't have to work to support themselves does them no good in the long run.

The OP is very careful not to specify the gender of the 22 year old. She may well be a young woman

This adult will never change while they are being enabled.
If someone wanted to pay me to play computer games all day, I'd probably do it, too.

Crikey. High time for the lazy 22 year old and their lazy mother to get a big kick up the backside. Three months notice that all his maintenance stops, and he has to mean it, and stick to it. It incenses me that these bone idle people have no compulsion to earn their own money.

If you do 90% of everything for your kids, What's the point of the marriage? Does this man enhance your life, cherish you, pull his weight?

Prioritise your future and happiness.

Tell him to move out and you want £2400 a month for your two children

I am worried about the resentment or whatever else might be directed at me by his child and ex

I am baffled by you saying this.

Why would you care?

You both appear terrified of his adult child and their mother's reaction! Why? She can hardly stop your H seeing the "child" can she 😂

Is she the kind to post poo through your door or something?

How do you know she's doing fraud? Just BC you're on UC. Doesn't mean you're not allowed gifts towards your children does it? As long as she's not going over 16k.

Fair enough if they're not eligible for pip. But you can get it for depression and anxiety even if you're not under a psychiatrist. If it means you can't hardly do anything. Some people can't access that level of MH care easily.

He’s got to be cruel to be kind. By enabling his ds to not work (against the advice of doctors/professionals) he’s doing him no favours.
And he needs to put his younger children’s educational needs first.

I don't think gender matters, the facts and outcomes are the same whichever way.

Very well put ...

Quite. There was quite a period of time when my son was like that but as parents we made it crystal clear that should he decide to leave education/take a year out then he would be expected to work/claim benefits if eligible and support himself.

My daughter had a mental health crisis and came home to regroup but after a short period to reset she too was expected to work/claim and contribute. For both of them getting off the gaming and doing something productive helped enormously.

Remind me of that saying about hearing hoofbeats and thinking zebras...!

Coming from the parent of a neurodivergent young person supporting them "past" the usual time.

It's an awful situation to find yourself in OP.
Obviously you knew when you got with him, married him and went on to have kids that he had a financial and emotional obligation to his first child. And in fairness, when he had a job layoff and paycut but still chose to pay the same maintenance to support that first child.... you ultimately picked up the slack in your home. You get into a stepparenting role knowing their are obligations, and often picking up the slack to ensure that child doesn't go without, but there is always an end-in-sight when maintenance ends.

Why does he think it's OK to continue to contribute £1200 a month to his older child, and you need to fund the younger kids? Have you ever sat down and said... hey this is what you contribute to OUR HOUSEHOLD versus what I contribute, this is what you contribute to your older child versus what you contribute to 2 younger children PLUS the cost of himself (essentially what he contributes to your house has to cover his food and bills too).

Will your younger shared children need assistance throughout their whole lives, or will they be able to work somewhat (given they have some disabilities)?

I think both your husband and stepchild need a rude awakening. You are potentially better off financially as a single parent (I know I certainly would be in my scenario).

Could you consider getting your DH to run the CMS calculator as if his adult child was still underage (so his lower income, amount of kids etc) and see what figure that suits out? I'm sure it'd give a much lower obligation and he could use that as a "pocket money / allowance" bargaining chip with his child? (Personally I'd pull the plug but doesn't sound like he will do that).

Perhaps he could say for the next 6 months I'll transfer CMS amount weekly, but on the condition stepchild is looking for work. He can also offer to help with job hunting, interview prep and attire etc.

Your stepchild left school anywhere up.to.6 years ago... they won't go get a job without a kick up the arse. It's time your DH PARENTED instead of throwing money the adult stepchild.

What about paying 100 per month less over 12 months and then zero.
Yanbu

Maintenance for my ds stopped the day he turned 18, his dad hasn't contributed anything financially since.

22 year old needs to put in their own universal credit claim. If the anxiety/depression is 'real' then they can be assessed for the limited capability to look for work and work related activity (I think it's being halved in April 2026 for new claims so he would have been better off claiming before as it would then continue as an existing rather than a new claim) He can also put in a claim for PIP (my step son is 30 and receives the standard rate care component due to mental health, he could be described exactly how you've written about your dss but PIP agreed it over 2 phone assessments)
If he doesn't qualify for PIP or LCWRA then the universal credit system will assign him a work coach and implement a plan to get him back into work. Your husband isn't responsible for paying that level of maintenance, mine was always around £300 a month and my ex earned in excess of £75k a year. If he feels he should be paying something, maintenance is 15% of net earnings , reduced if he has other children under 18. Universal credit is typically £300 ish for that age group without anything additional.

Ask him if he'll still be supporting them when the stepchild is 50 and he's retired. The young adult's mental health will improve if he gets some self-esteem by working.

He's basically supporting his child to be useless. He needs to stop paying and that should hopefully kickstart the kid into finding a job. Offering financial support for kids is a good thing but not if it's actually holding them back from making something of themselves.