Paying child support for a 22yr old

[Evilstepmum81]

Need some advice about my stepchild, as I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. They are 22, not working (have never worked) but also not on benefits (yet), they didn’t finish school and now say they are too disabled to work and signing on the dole etc is “embarrassing”. They are able to socialize and take care of themselves etc and spend all day on their computer playing games and doing social media stuff so they are not incapacitated or incapable in any way in their day to day life. Their mother also doesn’t work and does claim benefits.

I’ve been on the scene 17 years so have been here a long time and helped or tried to help said child to get the skills needed for independence and self sufficiency. But they refuse to even try as they see their mum doing f all and getting on fine. My husband has continued paying child support even though legally he could have stopped at 18 as they are in uni or anything. It’s been nearly 4 years of extra payments in the hope this young adult gets their act together. They haven’t. And now I think the gravy train should stop and this young adult and their mother not receive child support any more.

My husband is scared of being the bad guy and his ex and child take full advantage of him. He pays them £1200 a month and he now earns a little over £46k so it’s a big chunk, which was agreed during mediation 10 years ago when he earned way more and we didn’t have our kids. He’s never changed the payments or missed any. I can’t grow his balls for him. But am I unreasonable to tell him to make arrangement to stop payments? We have 2 special needs kids ourselves now, I work full time, and could use the child support money to help pay for therapies etc instead of us having to go into debt to pay for these two adults. It’s so hard being a step parent. He’s a great dad and very supportive. And I applaud his commitment to his children. But he’s got to let this adult aged child figure stuff out for themselves now surely?

Of course he should stop paying!! He's overpaid 56k that could have helped your own children ffs.

How on earth would he be 'the bad guy'? I think he's the bad guy for bankrolling and rewarding laziness.

Is he still going to pay when they're 30?

I don’t know that saying, but I do know about supporting neurodivergent dependents past the age of 18. I am unsure of your point.

the stepchild doesn’t have a diagnosis. The ex-wife doesn’t have a diagnosis. They may both have ADHD and go undiagnosed for the rest of their life.

the lazy label doesn’t help. Nobody is lazy for the sake of being lazy. There is always an underlying reason.

i am worried about the manipulative comments coming from the stepchild. I can see why the father keeps paying, but I am not saying that it’s right or wrong to keep paying. The father is stuck and doesn’t know how to handle the situation. The OP is also in a difficult place and it’s natural for her to feel this resentment. She has been more than understanding and shows empathy and tolerance. Nobody is “winning” here in the long-term, not even the ex-wife and the stepchild. It’s a sad and difficult situation for everyone.

I really feel for you OP. You sound very alone in your marriage.

Why do you do 90% of everything to do with your DC?
What is your DH doing while you're doing that?
How much is DH doing re household chores/cooking/cleaning etc?
How much time does he spend with the DC?

You've obviously thought about divorce - what would your life look like then?
Presumably your ex DH would have to pay child support (and a PP said they would ignore the payment to his adult C as it's not mandatory).
And if you were a sahm homeschooling 2 DC with disabilities you would get extra benefits for them.
So you would be able to concentrate on your DC without juggling work as well, which would be better for them.

Would your then-ex DH want to have much time with them ie would you get much of a break? EOW seems standard...

You have a lot of thinking to do, and then a serious conversation with your husband. 💐

"Nobody is lazy for the sake of being lazy" WTF? There are millions of people in the UK not working for exactly that reason. Happy to leech off the rest of us that do work - many with our own mental/physical health issues.

Your husband may well be trying to do the right thing, but right now he's failing all of you but his exW by my reckoning.

SC has no incentive to change the status quo and improve their health and get a job, think about a career.

Whilst they're not getting their pension credits they are pushing their retirement age back further and further. Given pote tial health issues and the difficulties your DH has had with changing jobs post 50 this is doing them bo favours at all.

Your children are missing out on therapies and adaptations to their daily lives in order for him to pay for his SC to play video games and socialize.

You're having to work longer hours and carry the stress of this situation.. This can't exactly be doing wonders for your marriage either.

The oonly person who is laughing all yhe way to the bank is lijely to be thr exW if the money is being paid to her.

In your shoes I'd expect DH to give a 2/3mth notice that this money will stop (to let them get set up on UC or allow money up to 1st paycheck), or we investigate separation.

This is such an insane situation, sorry you're dealing with this OP.

I work full time plus I do 90% of everything for our kids

Why do you do 90% of everything, why isn't it 50/50? Your husband pays out because he feels guilty at not being there for his first child but now he's not being there for his further children. Maybe you should split up, he could pay you £2,400 a month forever, you'd be better off!

I think you've had a sheltered life if you think there aren't just lazy for the sake of being lazy people out there...

I’d pay a third for three months end of
The dad needs to show he means business. .
They have three months to sort them selves out . starting with the next payment date .
800
400
000

Many, many people are lazy for the sake of it including those who are neurodiverse.

There are equally many ND people who are not lazy.

I think he needs to cut it off, because in the long run the country is broke anyway and the benefits gravy train will end sooner or later. And if his step child has nothing on their CV they won’t get a job later on. But he should probably encourage the step child to do a course or something initially to get them out of the house. There must be something they can do which will probably make them happier anyway, even if it is part time work plus study of some sort at a local college.

He’s not “a great dad”. He’s enabling his adult child to sit around playing computer games instead of developing any degree of resilience, coping skills and independence. He’d rather chuck money at them than deal with a difficult situation.

The situation is ridiculous.
I was going to say that you can’t TELL him what to do, but you can talk to him and make him see sense. However, from what you’ve said, you can’t do this!

If he’s sending £1200 in Child Support for one child, ask him where your £2400 is for your two, please? You have to somehow demonstrate how crazy and off-kilter the current arrangement is.

Good luck! Xx

There are some kids that will use a handout from parent to improve their lives - do their driving test, get a car, do a course, buy a property and then there are those who when given money causes them to shrink become less - hide from the world - fail to fledge. Money does not help the latter - it destroys them - they need to be pushed to take that first leap, they need a dose of tough love. The 22 year old needs some tough love - they are rapidly approaching an age where never having job will having a massive impact on their lives. The handouts have to stop.

If the 'child' support is paid to the mum who's in receipt of UC she's committing benefit fraud as she should be declaring her un-earned income which will have an impact on her entitlement to UC. It's not like the 'child' is a dependent child anymore for benefit purposes.

yanbu! That’s a huge sum of money each month, no wonder SC does not have any motivation/ want to get a job!

The bigger problem is surely what changes DH intends to make to his parenting so you don’t end up with more of his children relying on dad or the taxpayer rather than providing for themselves.

It’s very concerning to have raised a child like this.

If you can’t afford it you’ll have to stop paying but it certainly sticks in my throat that the rest of us will be footing the bill instead.

the lazy label doesn’t help. Nobody is lazy for the sake of being lazy. There is always an underlying reason.

Hollow laugh.

Deal breaker for me. Also why do you do 90% of everything? @Evilstepmum81

A perfect example of enabling behaviour. Of course the SC isnt going to get a job or try to improve their prospects, why would they when all their needs are met ?

Give them notice the payments will stop in a year.

Otherwise it'll never end.

My pensioner Mum still has to work because my 45 year old brother lives with her and has 'mental health issues' which he never seeks any actual support or treatment for but which mean he struggles to hold down a job but also thinks claiming benefits is 'degrading'.

He and my Mum have a toxic co-dependence where she martyrs herself and he resents her despite her enabling his dysfunction.

He's currently working full time and they're getting on great but history tells me it won't last and they would both be much happier away from each other. This is his 5th job in 2 years.

In reference to a PP, he's not lazy either but despite being very bright and going to an independent school on a scholarship, in his late teens and 20s he prioritised fun jobs over study, liked booze and drugs and so whenever anything difficult happened like a girlfriend dumping him, drugs and booze took centre stage so he'd lose jobs.

So into his 30s and beyond, the only jobs available to him were minimum wage ones, not at all fulfilling to someone as bright as he is so basically jobs he didn't care about and easy to walk away from or not care if he got sacked. Because he knew he'd always have a roof over his head.

I think posters like the one saying no-one is lazy for no reason are missing the point that work can be really shit for a lot of people and not working if possible is preferable.

Leaving the money issue aside for a moment, why the fuck are you allowing him to treat you like an utter mug? Why are you working full time AND doing 90% of everything at home? You have bigger problems than this child support payment.

This must be a joke ! My ex pays £7 / week for his two children - I mean actual children under 18 in full time education. He earns over £250,000 / year and I earn less than £25,000 / year.

Well put. He is very unkind to not be supporting/enabling his child to grow up

@Evilstepmum81 I'd be taking the claim of being on a low dose of Prozac with a pinch of salt. Unless your husband has seen the prescription which would be Fluoextine in the UK. A young adult spending all their time online will more likely be using American terms for things they don't actually know anything about.

Your husband needs to support his young children and not leave it all to you. Pathetic man that won't stand up to his ex is not a good father.

Abso-f*ing-lutely !!!