To think we are in a relationship?

[Beingabout]

We are in our late 30s. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers. We had several casual flings with each other throughout our 20s. About six years ago we started seeing each other more often, but he didn’t want a relationship.

Five years ago I met someone else, and given the stance of not wanting a relationship, I went out with him and ended up in a relationship with him. I gave the first man every opportunity to stop it but he didn’t. Anyway, we broke up after a few months and the first man and I ended up back in touch. I made it clear at this point that I was only interested in being back in touch if we weren’t going to be seeing anyone else, which he agreed to.

Since then we’ve become closer and closer. I trust that he’s not, and is not interested in, seeing anyone else. He's supportive and caring (which it’s fair to say he wasn’t in our 20s). He’s thoughtful and kind. We go on holiday together and exchange Christmas and birthday presents. I have started to refer to him as my boyfriend, which he knows about and doesn’t seem bothered about.

He woukd still say we’re not in a relationship. I can’t see how this isn’t a relationship?

It’s not much of a relationship if one of you refuses to admit they’re in a relationship is it? On one hand, it sounds like you’re fine with it (I wouldn’t be) and on the other you’re on AIBU asking other people’s opinions about it, so you can’t be that fine.

I personally think that you should raise your standards and want to be with someone who is as into you as you are into them. This bloke won’t even admit you’re in a relationship with each other. What happens if he meets someone else? He’s got no loyalty to you, in his mind he isn’t cheating because he’s not actually, technically your boyfriend.

@Beingabout Ive had a similar situ. I was 'seeing' a man who had a block about using the words relationship or commitment. It puzzled me for a while and I did question him a lot. He'd say he was happy with me but not in a relationship or making a commitment. Eventually it turned out he had preconceptions about these words. His parents had been unhappy together for 60 years and he was scared of getting trapped like them. Once we had redefined " relationship' and 'commitment ' to be meaningful to us he was happy to be in a committed relationship! He thought commitment was staying together regardless of how unpleasant either one of us were to the other. Years later, still together, using our own, joint understanding of the words.

On his eyes firs relationship mean living together and he doesn't want that?

Does he think labelling it puts pressure on him to conform in some way?

Who would he want to make decisions around his health if he wasn't able to decide ?

He’s a man I trust is being faithful, who’s supportive and caring and thoughtful, who I love spending time with, enjoy having sex with, and he makes me very happy. Which standard should I raise?

So, he claims it’s not a relationship. After 6 years of what you see as an exclusive relationship, does he want to live together, share finances, build a shared future? If not, then I’d listen to him when he says it’s not a relationship.

You're kidding all of us, right? How old are you again?

Its 2026 and women are still out here with their head up this far in their behind?

Agree.

Stop giving him what ‘he wants’ with no commitment.. why does he need to commit to you? He’s got it all anyway…

Then what’s the point of your post?

I spent too long with a man with "commitment issues". Eventually my father talked to me about how there was no future in the relationship and asked me whether there was the slightest sign that he considered me the one! I turned myself inside out being the perfect "girlfriend" - I wore out myself looking glamorous at all times, being supportive and charming about business entertaining and never complained about anything - that included six hours on a boat on a fishing trip where I wasn't sure if I was going to die of seasickness or the cold first. I was educated, financially solvent and was called beautiful on more than one occasion by people who were not family members. Despite all this, I was not the one as far as he was concerned.

A few months after we broke up I met the man who is the love of my life.

My husband willingly went through a religious marriage service in my faith, which was not his. He did this because he wanted to make me happy. He was also happy to introduce me to family and friends as his girlfriend, then fiancé and eventually wife. It was just so easy and straightforward and we were engaged within a year and that was over 30 years ago. He buys me pink champagne to make me happy when he is a red wine drinker. Both of us felt that we were part of a team and we were there for each other. Even if you are indifferent to marriage and don't want children, you should feel that you are a team. I don't think that you OP necessarily feel like that with this man you have known for over 20 years. He can't actually bring himself to say that he is in a relationship with you.

It's just a label.... I don't need to give anyone a label when I introduce them, we all have names, why not use them? Why the need to call someone boyfriend/girlfriend husband/wife? I experienced the dynamics of a "relationship" changing the moment a label was put on it because of other people's expectations what a "real" relationship/marriage has to look like..for some people (including me) it puts pressure onto something that was perfectly fine, harmonious and committed up until then....some people just don't want to be put into boxes or be labeled...so what...if you are living your best life as it is enjoy it... You are calling him his boyfriend and he doesn't mind...it does not matter how he refers to you...his actions speek louder than words I would say. I absolutely hate it when someone introduces me as his girlfriend or wife at that time.... It gives me the feeling I am reduced to an expectation and I am not seen as an individual being.... that's just me.... nothing wrong with it....

He might not be actively seeking someone else, but agree with the pps who have said he's keeping his options open. He's likely indifferent to the idea of a relationship and doesn't want to shag around, but still wants regular sex if he can get it without too much hassle.

However, if he met someone he had mind blowing chemistry with, I'm sure he would agree to label it a relationship if it was a deal breaker for them and not doing so meant that he would lose them. It sounds like he's fond of you, but if you getting with another man, didn't prompt him to say look we should stop messing about and just be in a relationship together, it's not going to happen. If you're ok with that, then carry on as you are. If you're asking the question, then maybe a part of you isn't as cool with the situation as you think.

You say you're open to the idea of marriage, even if you're not necessarily actively seeking it. In the next few years, you may find yourself increasingly wanting that security. If a part of you is hoping this guy will suddenly profess his love and want to commit to you, you may find you've missed the opportunity to have a meaningful relationship with someone else.

I find men are quite simple creatures. If they’re into you, they generally can’t stay away from you and make it clear how they feel. They don’t play stupid mind games generally. If they’re not that into you then they’ll likely fuck you if they find you hot enough and will be willing to string you along so long as it suits them but they won’t officialise it and will stop as soon as they’re bored or someone more interesting comes along.

Afraid to say I think this guy falls into the latter half. Childhood trauma can affect commitment but usually it’s more simple than that, he sees you as a fuck buddy.

You've asked us what we think you are missing aside from the label, and have had some good answers.

The thing you are missing is a man who would own his own emotions, who has insight into himself, and is skilful enough to talk about how he feels. This is a hard person to be around - and it hurts you. You love one another, you make yourselves emotionally vulnerable to one another, yet there is something that feels off in his emotional openness to you. He has explicitly told you he's holding back- and isn't able to, or refuses to, discuss it properly. You ask and he "fudges". And then what happens? You drop it, right? So your emotional needs aren't being met. Ypu're not allowed/able to pursue a line of questions that are important to you. You're not being your true self.

That's a dangerous place to be, because you then are making yourself satisfied living with a limit on where YOU can go emotionally. You aren't safe to share everything and have it heard and held by him.

I don't care about words and trappings, but in this case it's not the lack of label that's the problem, it's that you aren't getting the opportunity to grow and develop in relationship with another being. I don't mean in "a" relationship, that has to include an escalator towards shared finance and kids and marriage etc. I mean "in relation to" another human, you aren't having true closeness.

Your responses are - not flippant exactly, but always quite casual. You have an air of protecting yourself, not deeply sharing your emotions with us on the thread either. Not that you should deeply share with us randoms. Who in your life do you share your innermost deep self with?

I don't care about this dude. But how about YOU? what do you get from being with someone avoidant? You get to keep a part of yourself safe and untouched too, in fact, while having just enough closeness to nourish you a little bit. It's never quite enough nourishment. But going for more is scary to you.

The word faithful should not even enter your head in this situation. He simply has not found his future mate is all.

Stop thinking about this with emotion. He's not that into you.

I was in a FWB situationship for five years. As soon as he found his future wife, he respectfully called me (at work - awkward) to tell me and I wished him well.

She was unfaithful before he married her and I was his ear and gave him advice. Did I love him? Yes. I adored him. Could I have built a life with him? No. He would have driven me around the bend.

You have blurred lines that should never be blurred. Step back and heal and move on.

He won't say he's in a relationship with you so that, when he meets the person he really likes, you can't accuse him of cheating or make him out to be the bad guy. Please stop wasting your life in this situation, it will never be what you want it to be.

If you have to as if he's your boyfriend, he's definitely not your boyfriend luvvy.

As I read the whole thread I was hoping someone would have posted about avoidant attachment style and this is that post.

Read this post again and think about the answers.

You could also read the book called Attached which explains in detail the different attachment styles

I had an avoidant attachment style,.I'm currently avoidant leaning into secure.

Mine is from my childhood and also from my abusive marriage.

It has taken me years to work on myself and better understand why I'm like I am and to do work to change my style.

I had an FWB that was to all intents and purposes a relationship....only it wasn't as I didn't want it to be. He considered it a relationship but I didn't and when he mentioned us being together I reminded him we weren't.
We did everything you two do but I would not agree to a relationship. Later on I realised how awful I was that I had led him on to think we were in a relationship when I had no intention to be in one.

I dont plan to live with anyone again, not because I'm avoidant but because I love my own space and my home is for me and my children (now adults).
Being in a relationship but living apart is more common in Canada and America but is becoming more common in the Uk. It's usually called LAT (Living Part Together)

Does he tell you he loves you op? Actually articulate the words in a romantic sense?

and is this what you want from life. To always live alone, no children, no marriage, no one calling you there significant other, or are you settling.

His thoughts, feelings and attitude?

I had a fwb for a few years. He was pretty much my best friend. We were in contact several times every day, we saw each other a few times a week, we went on 'dates' (cinema, pub, gigs etc) we went on holidays together. We even talked about how we would spend our retirement together and what it would look like. I loved him platonically and he felt the same and we were exclusive in that neither of us was in a sexual relationship with anyone else but, when one of us started dating someone, there was no jealously, no tears, no upset, no sense of betrayal, no apologies just, "I've met someone. We can't have sex anymore." (It was me, I met someone.)

Everyone who met us asked we were 'together' but we weren't.

Because I didn't want a 'relationship' with him. Yes, we had a relationship. We were good friends who had sex. You have a relationship with everyone you know.

But we weren't committed to each other. Because we weren't in a relationship.

I have to agree with others above that if one person says "he is my boyfriend" and the other says "I don't want to put a label on it", they are not "boyfriend and girlfriend" or what I would personally consider "in a relationship". The label is important - clearly, as otherwise why would be refuse to use it all this time if he knows it means a lot to you? But if you don't mind, then it doesn't matter!

But everyone else has answered ypu even if ypu don't think that poster has.

It really is as simple as it isn't a relationship because he says it isn't. He doesn't see it as a relationship.

If you turned up at Teaco everyday, wearing a Tesco uniform and stood in the fruit and veg aisle you could tell people you work at Tesco. But unless you have a contract with Teaco, you don't work there. You could say, "But what is the difference? I dress like a Tesco employee, I tell people which aisle they can find items in, I tidy the displays when they need it and im happy doing all pf thoose things. Other than the label of employee, how do I not work at Tesco?"

And you'd be right in the sense that you do perform all the functions and roles of a Tesco employee. But you wouldn't be a Teaco employee unless they also said you were.

You'd just be playing the part of one. Their side of the employer/employee relationship would be missing regardless of whether they let you turn up every day and perform that role or not.

OP you know the Meatloaf song two out of three aint bad ?

There is no need to be defensive in response to our answers - you posted for opinions - the man told you straight - he DOES NOT WANT YOU.

He says this op as this gives him the best of both worlds. He gets a girlfriend and all the benefits of that without committing.

I know all about this as my brother does this. On repeat. He did it to a friend of mine for about 6 years. Went on holiday with her. Brought her to the family home. Very much behaved like a boyfriend BUT never was so she was never allowed to make demands on him. He went off with someone else and she was devastated. She tried to call him out and get people to say he had behaved badly but he had always been honest with her and everyone else. I hate this behaviour in him and that he seems to find plenty of women who over look the truth . When I talk to him and ask him to stop he says why as he ia completely honest. He genuinely believes it’s ok.

you can’t trust words/behaviour that don’t match.

im sorry op…

Whoa this is not ok, he clearly does want her, your post even offended me.

He wants her to sleep with and maybe be a confidante but if he wanted a relationship with her, it would have happened already- it’s been years!