To think we are in a relationship?

[Beingabout]

We are in our late 30s. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers. We had several casual flings with each other throughout our 20s. About six years ago we started seeing each other more often, but he didn’t want a relationship.

Five years ago I met someone else, and given the stance of not wanting a relationship, I went out with him and ended up in a relationship with him. I gave the first man every opportunity to stop it but he didn’t. Anyway, we broke up after a few months and the first man and I ended up back in touch. I made it clear at this point that I was only interested in being back in touch if we weren’t going to be seeing anyone else, which he agreed to.

Since then we’ve become closer and closer. I trust that he’s not, and is not interested in, seeing anyone else. He's supportive and caring (which it’s fair to say he wasn’t in our 20s). He’s thoughtful and kind. We go on holiday together and exchange Christmas and birthday presents. I have started to refer to him as my boyfriend, which he knows about and doesn’t seem bothered about.

He woukd still say we’re not in a relationship. I can’t see how this isn’t a relationship?

You know that this isn’t right or how you want it, Op. you’d love to say he’s officially yours. Why pretend and act nonchalant about it?

The fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship.

That half.

The fact that you have built up this idea that you are together in all but name - it's a delusion, it really is. You might be masquerading a relationship, but you're not in one.

Please really read what people are saying on this thread, they are trying to help.

If he says that he’s not in a relationship then it means that he feels no responsibility to you at all if he decides to “split up” - he wouldn’t even see it as splitting up given that he’s been clear it’s not a relationship.

Dont kid yourself that he wouldn’t. It’s just that it suits him not to leave you at the moment. You’re fine for “right now”, but not someone he’s prepared to clearly commit to for the future.

doesn’t mean he’s not nice to you, but it does mean that he doesn’t at this point in time see a long term future with you. It’s as simple as that.

It's the same in the sense that it isn't a relationship, surely?

Anyway, whatever, it's up to you.

Why have you posted just to argue with people? If you're happy with things the way they are, great.

People on here don't know him or you and can only go by the words you have chosen to use to describe your situation. So there's little point in getting snippy with people if you haven't communicated well enough for a single person to.understand why this not a relationship is actually a relationship.

It actually makes no difference to anyone here whatsoever. People have assumed you are unhappy with it and that is why you have posted and are trying to support you.

That's all.

I don’t know why people have assumed. The question was literally asking how it isn’t exactly the same whether he calls it a relationship or not.

I do say he’s mine. I call him my boyfriend.

Literally just the label then? That’s what I thought.

He talks about the future and makes plans for it. He’s not some player who gets his leg over wherever he can and enjoys the bachelor life.

Anyone can leave anyone at any time. I am confident he has no intention of walking away though, and I’m confident he’s not interested in meeting anyone else.

Thanks for answering. I find this a very interesting thread, and your question and situation an intriguing one.

It feels like because you want to be in a relationship and he doesn't, there is something "missing" there, but at the same time from your replies to other posters it seems that there is nothing about your situation with him that is inherently unsatisfying to you? Is it just the lack of him being willing to call it a relationship that makes you somehow wary? Why? How would you feel if he said "yes OK we're in a relationship and you're my girlfriend", and why? What would it change for you in terms of satisfaction/expectations?

That's not what I said at all. I said: "YOU have built up this idea that you are together in all but name." YOU think that it all comes down to a label.

It's much more than that - if you can't see that then no one on here can help you. Try as we might. And ignore it as much as you do.

You're heading for such heartbreak and we are all trying to prevent that from happening. But hey, horse to water and all that I guess.

Maybe in his mind he considers it a "relationship" when you live with someone, share finances, get married etc and because you don't do that he doesn't consider it a relationship. Which is obviously ridiculous. So when he says he doesn't want a relationship he means doesn't want to live with someone, share finances or get married.

You're definitely in a relationship obviously.

If you asked him directly ‘are you my boyfriend?’ What would he say?

YABU to be asking random strangers on the internet if you're in a relationship, vs asking your partner or whatever he is.

You want to be in a committed & acknowldged relationship. Ask him for his POV. If he still refuses to say you're in a relationship, talk about that. You are both old enough that you can be open and honest with each other instead of getting defensive about this on the internet to strangers. Talk to him. Make it known you need the pair of you to be on the same page. If it's not a relationship to him for some weird reason, don't bury your head in the sand about it. On the other hand, if you don't feel the need for him to say you're in a relationship, why tf are you on here asking a bunch of strangers?

The right person/man for you will never have you going onto an internet forum to ask people for opinions on the situation.

If he’s happy not to put a relationship status on it, then presumably he wouldn’t mind you going and meeting someone who does want to make you his girlfriend?

Because the fact he doesn't call it one and doesn't want to call it one indicates that it isn't one whether you think it is or not. Because it takes two people to have a relationship.

If it's just that a relationship to him means marriage and kids and he just has a really narrow definition of A Relationship then that could be different but, to most people, not calling it a relationship and being adamant you don't want a relationship usually means it's not a relationship. And does imply an emotional limitation.

It isn't a relationship because he says it isn't. He's putting a limitation on it.

There are generally two people in a relationship.

If one of those people says it's not a relationship then it's not a relationship.

So to answer your question, yes, YABU to think you're in a relationship when he's categorically stated that you're not.

When you say he talks about/makes plans for the future, what does he talk about?

I would prefer it, but it wouldn’t actually change anything in practical terms. Which is why I don’t understand his reluctance.

You haven’t told me anything though. I’ve asked what I’m missing other than the label, and you haven’t said anything.

You are on bere asking US if you're in a relationship? You should be asking HIM, and if his answer is anything other than an immediate "yes", you are being taken for a ride.

I think he’d just try and fudge the answer.

I am going to go about this another way because I am not getting through.

He says it is a not a relationship.
You come online to ask people if it is.
He's already told you it is not.

That's what you're missing.

Of course he would mind, as would I.

Well I haven’t asked this at all.